Sex before Exclusivity...Emotional Fallout

[Michelle ma Belle]

I think you did the right thing as well.

 

Granted, there was no 'talk' but given his lack of common sense, decency and ultimately respect never mind the fact that he has a soft spot regarding his ex, you are much better off without him.

 

Let this be a lesson for you moving forward. Don't go giving up your heart along with your vagina until you've at least had some kind of discussion about exclusivity. And more importantly, LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. You mentioned you had a feeling his ex would be an issue and she was.

 

Good luck.

[Space Ritual]

Thank you all for your responses. This is helping me so much.

 

I decided to break it off. Now I am really doubting my decision.

 

Do y'all think I overreacted?

 

This just hurt so much.

 

Of course it hurts, No one and I mean NO ONE wants to receive news like that from someone they are dating.

 

50 year old commodity trader? Oh no, he wouldn't have any narcissistic tendencies now would he?

 

 

Seriously, I am in my 50's I do pretty well myself in the physical contact department, However I know that time is short. So sex is at a premium once we hit 50. I try to hit it as much as I can before the gears grind to a halt down south. lol

 

You did just fine by dumping him. His ex would ALWAYS be in your lives...I mean if she let herself in and crawled in bed with him, who's to say that's not a nightly occurrence once he is away from prying eyes?

 

Well done. Move forward with the knowledge you dodged not just a bullet, but an ICBM

[Lamartine]

Thank you all.

 

In the past year, I had a divorced a death. Both were many months ago, and I've gotten a lot of support and therapy. This is the first time I have tried dating since those two events, and this guy knew it.

 

I don't remember dating being like this before my marriage. While other relationships had their share of problems, I feel like there was always at least some effort not to be hurtful.

 

To me, the concept of "the Talk" is a manner of giving oneself permission to be selfish and to be cruel to someone with whom you think you might fall in love on the basis of a technicality. Is it really that hard to stop f'ing around while you see what happens with the person you are currently f'ing? Maybe I'm old fashioned. Also, I've been out of the game along time and may just not know the rules anymore.

 

Thank you for helping me navigate this hurt.

[Space Ritual]

Is it really that hard to stop f'ing around while you see what happens with the person you are currently f'ing? Maybe I'm old fashioned. Also, I've been out of the game along time and may just not know the rules anymore

 

 

Actually I think in our modern society in the constant pursuit of gratification, technology, coupled with a short attention span,have blurred the lines of acceptable dating behavior for the generation behind me. Validation can be found with the touch of a button or a screen. So since so much stimuli is around us on a constant basis, we tend to look for the next rush in a rush, or we feel we are missing something, and we better get on the bandwagon or fall off and break our ankles.

[kendahke]

Why would he become so emotional connected with me (he says he felt it too), and then let his ex crawl into bed with him.

 

Because his ex hadn't made an appearance at the time you two were saying these things to one another.

 

Also because he's still emotionally involved with and open to her. How is it that she could just walk into his place and climb into his bed? Did she break in and do this? Most likely, no. She either has a key or he got up and let her in.

 

He's giving you lip service and possibly could be using you as a means to lash back at her for the pain she's caused him.

 

I don't think you being hurt is out of the norm. It show extremely bad judgement on his part---perhaps the rose colored glasses got ripped from your face too soon, but be thankful this did happen--you now see that he's messy and hasn't even begun to clean up the mess from his ex. He sort of did you a favor by revealing who he actually is so soon.

 

He says he "believes" that he will not have any more interactions with this woman but won't completely commit to cutting her off. I am leaning towards breaking it off because I feel he was reckless with my heart and health.

 

Unless he is saying "I will not have any more interactions with her. Period. End of story", then he's still emotionally tied to her crazy behind. I think that you would be better off breaking it off with him because he's shown you he doesn't care about your heart and health.

 

I don't think it's an issue of exclusivity--It's an issue of he is pursuing a different course of action and didn't bother telling you that he is. That would have made the playing field level and you'd have had that information on which to make an informed decision about sleeping with him and opening up your vulnerability to him. He knew when he was saying that stuff to you that he was still emotionally involved with her--he chose not to tell you---and your health was involved in that decision. I mean, if he was on the up and up and this was his truth, there is no reason for him to hide or deceive--he'd have laid that out on the table that this was a truth in his life and that you aren't the only one he's dealing with. He just chose to be deceitful.

Edited November 22, 2017 by kendahke

[Lamartine]

Thank y'all.

 

I keep thinking that I was unfair to him because we weren't exclusive.

 

It helps to come back and read your responses.

[Lamartine]

So, this guy texted me that he had asked his ex to exit his life, but said he did it for him and not for me.

 

Is that mean?

 

It hurt to read that.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would just cut this man off.

 

It shouldn't take an event like this to cut a "crazy" ex out of his life. It doesn't undo the underlying problem, which is that he's still got unfinished business with her.

[lolablue17]

You are too focused on rules, rights and verbal agreements. You should be focused only on your feelings. You feel very hurt right now. This is a very simple starting point, to clarify your next moves.

 

You are hurt, it means that according to your values and standards, he shouldn't have slept with another woman (any woman), while dating you. Your feelings are the proof of that.

 

Now you can be sure that he has other standarts and values. For him, it's OK to sleep with others while dating you. More to that, he prefer to maintain the option to sleep with others, even if it hurts you. That says a lot about how much he cares about you.

 

Because if I was in his shoes, and I would have done somthing that hurts my loved one so much, I would have tried to fix it, and to make sure that my loved feel safe and happy with me. Because i care.

 

So in the end, it's not a question about "Does he have the right to do it" but "How much does he really care for you?" Not so much, I suppose.

[anika99]

You were right to end it with him and I think you would be doing yourself a huge disservice to reconsider things now. He's got a high drama ex that he is not finished with. He has kids with her and therefore cannot fully cut contact. He did not give your physical and emotional intimacy the same value that you gave it.

 

He is 50yrs old. You cannot teach someone that age right from wrong, they will not suddenly learn new morals and values. He has shown you who he is and any romantic promises he makes now doesn't change what you know.

 

Chalk this up to a learning experience. Don't open up so much so soon. You allowed yourself to be too vulnerable too soon. I'm glad your beginning to feel better since your divorce and since losing a loved one but it takes longer than months to fully process those two traumatic events. You're feeling better but you still have some grieving to do. That's likely why opened up so quickly with this guy. I've been there. Right now you should date mostly for fun. Be open for something more serious but don't rush into things.

[kendahke]

So, this guy texted me that he had asked his ex to exit his life, but said he did it for him and not for me.

 

Is that mean?

 

It hurt to read that.

 

Mean to whom? Her? Who cares?

 

Mean to you? No, it's not mean. He did need to do it for himself and not you. He is the constant in this situation--everyone else is transient.

 

I'd be extremely wary of him going forward. He did say what he said and his behavior is going to have to buttress what he is now proclaiming, and that is born out over the course of time. If you do choose to stick with him, don't be so quick to trust him--he needs to earn that.

 

For me, I'd still stick with leaving him be. I seriously doubt things are over with her and I get the feeling she didn't get that memo and if she did, she most likely will not go along with it. You save yourself a whole lot of trouble by leaving a messy man alone.

Edited November 23, 2017 by kendahke

[Lamartine]

Happy Thanksgiving to you all, and thank you very much for your helpful advice and support during a very difficult few days. May the holidays bring you the happiness you seek.

[NuevoYorko]

Thank y'all.

 

I keep thinking that I was unfair to him because we weren't exclusive.

 

It helps to come back and read your responses.

 

You don't want to have a discussion about exclusivity but you keep coming back to it.

 

So, you weren't in a mutually agreed upon exclusive relationship. So just let that be.

 

What have you learned about this man and his life situation through this chain of events? Whatever that is, this is WHO he is and HOW he functions at this stage of his life.

 

Just as a general rule, don't you find a person who remains intrinsically involved with their ex to be a bad bet? I do.

 

What about how you inherently approach a budding relationship? Have you been open to having sex with others - particularly your ex - during this time? I don't think you have. This seems to indicate at the least a compatibility issue. It's not abnormal to feel like a person who is seriously interested in pursuing a relationship with a particular person will not be spreading themselves around. Not to say it was out of bounds. It's a difference in how people choose to approach relationships. I, like you, will not formally enter into an exclusive relationship very early; that said, if I see that as a solid possibility I won't be having sex with others while I'm in the learning / getting to know part. I don't think I'd be compatible with a woman who approached it like the guy in your situation has.

 

Don't think of whether you're being "fair." The only person you need to be fair to is yourself. I would see this as a very inauspicious start to a happy future if I were in your shoes. You have been through enough hurt lately. Why sign up for the probability of more.

 

Take care of yourself and I hope you have warmth and joy ahead for your holidays.

[Slowlydrifting]

Tricky situation. You were at the beginning stages of dating. He had the balls to tell you what happened. I don’t know if any of their kids are together but if yes, you can expect them to maintain some sort of relationship. Even if they are step kids. That’s tough. I have a better relationship with my ex and I need whomever I date to accept that or I can’t pursue a relationship with them further. Obviously it has to be stated that it won’t happen again if you both choose to be in a committed relationship. Good luck!

[Lamartine]

None of his kids are with her: he has a son with his ex wife, and she has three sons with her ex husband. He has no reason to maintain ties with her. I'd probably feel more comfortable with this if he hadn't misrepresented who she was. After our first date, we went to his house for a drink, and she was there. He introduced her as a friend who used his placed sometimes because she had been displaced by the hurricane (we live in Houston). He insisted that she was just a friend. I wish he hadn't told me about it, honestly. And I just can't help but feel that, had he really been interested in me, he wouldn't have jeopardized things by letting her have such ready access to his house and bed. That being said, I am wondering quit a bit whether I overreacted. He says he has cut ties with her, but it is hard to trust him since he insisted previously that she was "just a friend."

[kendahke]

it is hard to trust him since he insisted previously that she was "just a friend."

 

He lied when he didn't have to do it.

 

It leaves you wondering, in the future, what else will he lie and mislead you about?

 

Lying is a form of manipulation. He didn't have to lie or manipulate: all he needed to do was be truthful, if right was so on his side.

[BaileyB]

No, he made a choice when he allowed her to stay in his bed and have sex with her. He could have made another choice: to ask her to leave or to call the police. The fact that he didn't do that, speaks volumes.

 

I would end it with him for three reasons - he lied to you and told you that she was a "friend," he does not seem to be willing to take responsibility for his decision to have sex with her (telling you, SHE let herself into his home, SHE crawled into his bed... as if, he didn't have any control of the situation), and also because his exwife has some significant mental health issues and this relationship is going to be drama, drama, drama going forward...

[Mkn1010]

The reason I don’t want to debate exclusivity is because I accept that he was free to have sex with others. Just because he can, though, doesn’t mean he should. I guess I just feel that if he cared about me like he said he did, he would have chosen, out of free will and not obligation, not to do something that was sure to hurt me.

 

I would feel exactly the same way you do and it's entirely valid, regardless of the lack of exclusivity talk!

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear what happened. If you want exclusivity and he is giving no guarantees, then take a step back, stop having sex with him. I know you like him and you wanted him but he is not offering what you want so you need to be tough in this situation.

 

It sounds like he is still in a casual kind of relationship with his ex. Saying she crawled into bed with him kind of absolves him of responsibility, but he didn't need to sleep with her. Having said that, he probably cares about her and they've had sex before so it probably didn't seem too big a step to him. Of course it is a huge step to you and you feel he is cheating.

 

As you do want exclusivity, it is probably best to withdraw from this relationship and find someone who is seeking the same as you. This guy sounds a bit casual, as if he's not on the same page as you. He may be happy to have casual relationships with a few women, not just you and his ex. Instead of feeling hurt, extract yourself from the situation and don't give him any power over you. That is the way to regain your self-esteem. Some people are just not interested in monogamous relationships - maybe he's not ready for one.

[Lamartine]

Thank you all. This has been awful. I thought that I had met someone I could trust. I've had a hard time getting out of bed or the last few days. I blame him for what he did, but I also blame myself for potentially being too hard on him. If anyone has any tips on how to make this hurt less, I would love to hear them. This has been such an incredible help.

[Lamartine]

Ugh. I screwed up. I texted him telling him that I feel like I treated him unfairly because I was so hurt and could we please talk.

 

I feel like such an idiot.

 

And he didn't respond, so the wound is re-opening: clearly he cared less than I thought. This getting back into dating again is so hard. And so painful.

 

I just keep beating myself up for the whole thing. For the first time in a long time, I felt I had found a man who understood me and with whom I could speak honestly. And I screwed it all up.

[Versacehottie]

Ugh. I screwed up. I texted him telling him that I feel like I treated him unfairly because I was so hurt and could we please talk.

 

I feel like such an idiot.

 

And he didn't respond, so the wound is re-opening: clearly he cared less than I thought. This getting back into dating again is so hard. And so painful.

 

I just keep beating myself up for the whole thing. For the first time in a long time, I felt I had found a man who understood me and with whom I could speak honestly. And I screwed it all up.

 

ok, well what's done is done. You just need to move forward from here with your actions and thoughts. So first, I read the newer posts on your thread and it sounds like you are having regrets and wondering if you've been too hard on him. IMO, no you haven't as long as you weren't harsh or irrational in your delivery of that message but yeah it's fine to feel as you did & content of what you did.. The real problem is that you are not committed to that train of thought so you will waffle back and forth because you are in limbo about your feelings about the event and what you should do and how it makes you feel. IMO, you need to get clarity on that. Also IMO once you tell someone it's done, especially as a woman, you need to stick to that--and/or make sure he works awful hard to get back into your life with proof and a track record of good behavior in whatever the issue was (we know in this case what it was). So it's too soon and not enough (any!) proof that he can be the guy you want so no backtracking on your decision.

 

You need to decide what it is that you want: to me, it sounds like exclusivity at this point and once you have reached this level with someone. You can be unsure that you want it with him but going forward I would throw that out to him as what it would take to get back together because at this stage it's what you expect from someone you are dating (anyone! you can reach this stage and having learned from this know what you want--even if you never go exclusive with him because you also might realize he is not capable of being the bf you want because of his issues).

 

About him: no, I agree with kendake. It's not mean at all that he said he cut it off with her for himself (not you). That is a statement of maturity and growth. Now, that said, it's just a statement. You need to see if he can back that up in his behavior of how he conducts himself for himself and with you.

 

BTW, i'm not convinced going forward with him at all is a good idea. He does seem emotionally tied to her (regardless of their current status) and hasn't had the best behavior with you. Not sure you should take the risk with him that he will be able to fulfill what you need. No matter what you need proof and a track record that he can and will do it. Don't roll over so easy--it won't help you; you may get to keep dating him but you will create a guy who doesn't respect you as much as he should. Hold strong for what you want and need. If he can't give it to you, someone else will--precisely because you hold yourself in the regard that you are so deserving. Good luck and don't let this devastate you in any way, be glad you found this out now before you were further invested and entrenched with this guy. I think it' smart to look for the silver lining in things to get yourself through hard times or especially things that you are taking hard. Losing him might not be a loss at all. He hasn't yet shown that it will be.

[Lamartine]

Versacehottie--That is excellent advice. If you are not a therapist or an advice columnist, then you may have missed your calling!

[Dis]

Lamartine, I'm so sorry for all the hurt you have been going through

 

You sound like such a sweet person and I wish you would believe what the rest of us do, that you deserve better and to get far, far away from this guy

 

Like many posters here, I've experienced betrayl, just as you have

 

What seperates us from our pain is learning from our mistakes. If we dont, we becomes our mistakes. I fear your continued communication with this guy will only serve to cause you more pain. I can actually predict it based off of what you've said about him

 

It doesnt matter too much whether you were exclusive or not, he hurt you early on, he's still tied to his ex (because he wants to be. Dont believe a word about him cutting her off, its BS), because he has different values in approaching new relationships than you, because he has poor boundaries with other people, because he's only telling you 50% of the truth (theres more that you dont want to hear, trust me), because he knows how difficult things are for you right now yet he went ahead and did something that would cause you more pain...etc etc etc

 

Now, does the above sound like something/someone you feel safe with, someone you trust, someone you can move forward with?

 

I dont think so...

 

You need to take care of yourself. You come first right now. Now is probably not the best time to consider dating if you're going to entertain a guy such as this one. Your picker is off.

 

When I first came on LS I underestimated the posters here but their advice is spot on so please believe us when we say cut off contact now and never look back. Block him.

 

Take care and keep posting

 

P.S- As another poster mentioned, google "love bombing"

[Lamartine]

Thank you to all of you! I find mustered up the strength to block him. I would not have been able to do it without your encouragement.