regret Posted August 20, 2005 Posted August 20, 2005 my husband and I have been married for almost four years. the summer before we got engaged I got drunk at a party one night and kissed a co-worker. my husband found out about this about two months ago and I don't know how to make him believe me that it was something I honestly regret. I was still in college and he lived a few hours away. He doesn't believe me that it was only a kiss, but thinks that I must have slept with the guy. I didn't! But I don't know how to convince him of that or how to convince him that it really was a huge mistake and that since then I have been faithful and take my wedding vows seriously and will be faithful to him until the day I die. Throughout the past two months we have had major highs and major lows in our marriage. Some days are wonderful, we spend the entire day with each other and he really seems to be happy with me. We have made love more in the last two months than we have in our entire four year marriage. But then there are the down days where he wants nothing to do with me, won't even look at me barely, and they usually end in us laying in bed at night with him rehashing the entire story. Yes I cheated on my husband when we were dating, but it was only a kiss and we weren't engaged or married, and I didn't sleep with anyone else. I feel like he is making it out to be much more of an "affair" than what it was. It's like he is treating it as though I did sleep with someone else. How do I set his mind at ease and make him see just how much he and my marriage mean to me?
whichwayisup Posted August 20, 2005 Posted August 20, 2005 How did he find out? Did you tell him or did somebody else? Cuz to me, that should have been left in the past. It was SO long ago and really doesn't matter now...Yet obviously to him it does. Don't down play it but just keep on confirming and telling him how much you love him and how happy he makes you. That you don't want to be with anybody else but him and he has no reason to be jealous. Understand his pain, reaffirm that is was in the past and has no place in your lives now. You say though, been married 4 years but at times he's not been so nice to you. Maybe seeing a marriage counsellor will help? Would he be open to that idea? (Don't bring this up right away as he will react to it...But bring it up if he still is making an issue out of it. And if the communication flow isn't happening.)
Author regret Posted August 20, 2005 Author Posted August 20, 2005 Long story, but the quick jist of it is he is a network engineer and we have an entire computer network set up in our house. He gave me shared access to some files that he didn't mean to give me access to. I found instant messages between him and my best friend prior to us getting married that were kind of racey. I emailed another friend about them asking her opinion and in the email mentioned very vaguely my infidelity which this friend knew about. He recently realized that I had been on his network and so he went all through my computer and found the email. Our marriage has been through the ringer since day one. Three days after we were married he got a phone call from his boss who proceeded to lay him off from his job. That sent him into a major depression for over a year. Our son was born almost two years after we got married and when he was just a couple months old, my husband got that call any child dreads. His father had a stroke while driving and was in a coma. He has battled with that for a year and a half now. Just when things started to look up for us a little, this came out. Yes, my husband and I have had a few major fights where we end with not speaking to each other for days, but we had just started to work through that when this was revealed. We had finally agreed that fighting like that wasn't us and wasn't healthy for our marriage. Now we don't fight, he just gets distant from me. I keep trying to tell him how much I love him and am devoted to him, but I broke his trust and he can't seem to believe me now.
RecordProducer Posted August 20, 2005 Posted August 20, 2005 Originally posted by regret my husband found out about this about two months ago We have made love more in the last two months than we have in our entire four year marriage. it was only a kiss and we weren't engaged or married, and I didn't sleep with anyone else. Very interesting. The knowledge of the kiss actually got him going. It's ridiculous that he treats it like an affair. You were not even engaged and it was just a kiss and you were drunk. You did make a mistake but it was more than 4 years ago. Just tell him to stop next time he starts. Tell him that you won't hear one more word about it. Leave the room when he starts talking about it.
whichwayisup Posted August 20, 2005 Posted August 20, 2005 I found instant messages between him and my best friend prior to us getting married that were kind of racey. Okay, so ... Not that two wrongs equal a right but flirting and being "racey" with YOUR bestfriend ... before marriage. You kissing some guy BEFORE being engaged/married. Not a big deal unless you each make it a big deal. How did he react when you called him on that one??? I think if he can't get over that "kiss" from so long ago, bring up the IM situation. Sounds like you both need some councilling to get the marriage back on track. (Many) men seem to detach and go become distant when things get rough...It's just how they deal with it. Hopefully though when he's ready to talk, he will talk? If he doesn't then that's a problem. He went through alot of changes between the loss of his job and the health of his father. Ofcourse he is going to be depressed, so much to deal with too. Here's a suggestion. Get a babysitter, plan a fun night out. Just go and have FUN. Laugh, be silly, very laid back. Maybe shoot some pool or see a sporting game (baseball or even an upcoming hockey game in the fall!!) something that will make you both spend one on one time together, away from home and the daily grind of life.
Author regret Posted August 20, 2005 Author Posted August 20, 2005 ok, so my husband got the email address of my friend I emailed regarding the situation and yesterday emailed her asking for details. She called me to let me know that he emailed her and she emailed him with what she could remember. He gets home from work last night and won't even speak to me. Our son just started daycare two days ago and is having a hard time adjusting. So he was up last night until 3am crying. I stayed up with him trying to comfort him and when he finally fell asleep I sat on the couch with him all night because he wouldn't let me lay him down. Today my husband has laid in bed until 2pm and when he got up my son and I were on our way out for a little while. I told him we were going and his only response was a very sarcastic "see ya" . He wouldn't even say good bye to my son. I love my husband dearly, but he is blowing this way out of proportion. He is acting like he just found out that I had a major affair. It was just a kiss. There is a part of me that wants to tell him how much I think he is over reacting to this and that he is treating it like something much worse than it is, but I know that won't help the situation. I have come to realize that he over analyzes everything in his life. His dad's stroke, being laid off, this. It's all made into a mountian when it's really only a mole hill.
Sal Paradise Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 He doesn't sound like that great of a guy but beyond all that..... To many people cheating is cheating. I'd leave my girlfriend if she kissed some other guy (being drunk is no excuse). It doesn't matter if it was "just" a kiss, or just an emotional affair, or just a one night stand. It doesn't really matter whether you view it as a big deal or not. Its how they view it. Thats why you should discuss this early in a relationship and find out where the person stands. And whether or not you two are seeing eye to eye on what is and isn't infidelity. Personally I'd consider his Instant messages cheating as well, so he's certainly no angel. Sounds like there are some huge problems in this relationship on both sides. I think councelling is needed.
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