Would it be ethical to message another girl while going through a breakup?

[thebiglimp]

my girlfriend of 1.5 years and I are going through a breakup.

 

We decided to make it a slow one, for many reasons including the fact that we have no choice but to live together until next spring due to the housing contract that we both signed. I asked her if it's ok for me to start talking to other people meanwhile and she said it was ok as long as i told her first, but i know her feelings will be hurt.

 

but i'd still like to know if it's seen as being ethical- a. k. a not sleazy- if i do start messaging someone else.

 

i do have someone in mind, do not plan on even meeting her until the breakup is complete, but i'd still like to keep the channel open since it will be 3 months until i can actually see other people.

[springy]

So...are you broken up or not? I don't know what a slow break up is.

[d0nnivain]

You are broken up but you still live with your EX because you can't get out of the lease. You want our permission to talk to other women.

 

 

I don't think what you want is unethical. I do think I wouldn't want to date you while you & your EX still had the same address.

[Frostedflake]

You're together or you're not.

It rarely works out that you can live with an ex. More trouble than it's worth, tbh.

If you're broken up and you want to talk to other people then it's important to discuss a room mate situation/set heavy boundaries.

 

This whole "tell me if you're talking to someone" thing is a SET UP.

It's going to lead to

a) Her getting a rebound and making it a jealous and competitive issue.

b) Her making it difficult for you to go out or talk to this person and make it a guilt issue.

 

You are in no way in the clear to talk to someone until you settle things with your ex and close the relationship completely.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Ethical? I suppose that really depends on your values and morals.

 

Personally, I think the optics of this aren't very good. You're not even out of your long term relationship and you're already trying to get with another girl. Doesn't look good. If I were the new girl you were trying to chat up, I'd have serious reservations. No one wants to be a rebound.

 

How long have you had an eye on this new girl? Why are you breaking up with your girlfriend? Why are you taking 'slow' and still living together? Why the hurry to get with another girl??

 

Too many questions that raise a lot of concerns.

 

 

And for what it's worth, do NOT tell your ex about another girl no matter what she says. There is no winning here. If you're broken up, who or when either of you date is no longer your business.

[thebiglimp]

thanks guys for your insight. it certainly clears up the view somewhat, but there's still a lot of fog, yes.

 

emotionally she's not ready for the breakup, even tho i initiated it already a month ago, both knowing it's the right thing.

 

financially not only are we tied to the lease, but i run my business from home (electronic designer) so packing up and moving out suddenly would be damaging to the work.

 

and though not as much as her, i worry how i will handle the separation when it finally happens.

 

so we decided to drag it out until the spring when we can get our deposit back.

 

we're more like old couples going through divorce right now. we were very close together.

 

so anyways, then i meet this girl last weekend, and she gives me her number even after i tell her i was still going through the breakup.

 

it was more like, 'hey let's keep in touch for later.' gesture on her part.

 

and i'd like to let her know that i was interested, just as she was, and let her know within a common time frame- 3 days or so, instead of 3 months from now when i'll finally be officially single.

 

so that's what i'm wondering if i should do- just text her couple lines to keep the communication open.

[carhill]

OP, here's a thread to read:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/643173-serial-monogamy

 

 

If you're renting, most landlords will re-write the lease. Contracts aren't cast in stone. When I was one, I preferred my tenants to come to me if they were having any relationship/marriage -related housing issues. My goal was to keep the property in good condition and collect rent in a timely manner, both of which can go out the window during emotional upheavals.

 

If the lady in question is cool dating a guy living with an ex and going through a breakup, there ya go.

[Art_Critic]

IMO.. if you want to speed up the breakup and make your life more chaotic then date someone new

 

While dating someone new is a okay I would doubt she will feel warm and fuzzy about it since you live together and share bills.

 

Maybe you should deal with the issue at hand first.. make a clean break

[carhill]

Women IME tend to be more picky about this stuff than men, all else being equal. If the guy is disclosed and is getting his noodle wet, he's generally good to go. If the lady in question here is disclosed and good with things, and you're good with things, then it's all good. That's really all that matters. It's your dating and relationship life. It's not like you're going to go to dating jail or anything.

 

I remember back when exW and I split up, she did have a small modicum of respect not moving the new guy into the house until I was out of it. That's an example of how a woman can handle things. What was I going to do about it? Kill them? Sue for injured pride? Yeah, nothing. Exactly. So, do what you do. If your ex wants to make your life miserable, well she can. Women are good at that!

[d0nnivain]

If you don't know how you will react to the break up / separation when you are finally no longer under the same roof as your STBX, you have no business trying to date somebody else because you are not emotionally ready.

[thebiglimp]

ugh i'm not really looking to date someone while i'm living with my ex, out of respect for her, and also the next person who i definitely would like to offer my full commitment.

 

but say a situation like the last weekend happened, which it did, wouldn't it be better between me and the new person for me to send a message sooner than later?

 

rather 'hi from last weekend. hopefully i'll see you around.'

than 'hi from 3 months ago. im single again.'

[HumanMachine]

How would you feel if she starts to another guy during your “slow breakup”?

[thebiglimp]

probably nothing much. it's my decision to break up and i'm sticking with it, so.

 

her friend antagonizes me and tried to get a guy to mingle with my ex last weekend at a bar when i was there and i didn't feel any jealousy.

[d0nnivain]

I'm a firm believer that if things are meant to be they will work out. I'd do nothing with respect to the girl from last weekend. When you are fully single, if it's meant to be she will pop up again. At that point you can tell her you were in the process of moving out & didn't want to give her false hope. She should respect you for not making any moves before you were free to do so.

[carhill]

Here's an old guy tip. Women in general aren't sitting around pining for a guy who's working through a breakup. They've got guys knocking their door down. They know how to cull the herd. It's highly likely this woman in question will be solidly in a committed relationship in three months. That could be with you if you choose to put this ex stuff in the past and take steps to move on.

 

If you're asking if it's ethical to simply message someone and explain your relationship situation and express your interest, sure. It's just electrons. Will such messages, even if repeated, influence a potential dating opportunity down the road? IME, no. Dating windows close fast for most normal guys. Snooze, lose. Most women on these boards, and I did a thread on this when I was separated years ago, won't date a separated/divorcing guy or the non-married version of that, yours qualifying since you're living together. Some will. I dated some who would but they preferred someone free and unencumbered financially and emotionally. Makes sense to me.

[Arieswoman]

The big limp,

When I was single and using OLD I got loads of msgs from guys who put themselves down as "separated". Quite often they were still in the marital home "waiting for the divorce to come through". As soon as I found out, they got told to hit the bricks. However, I did tell them they could contact me when they we actually divorced and living alone. I never heard a thing.

 

 

Women with any self-respect don't want to be put "on the back burner" waiting for a guy to sort themselves out.

 

 

Who can judge if it's "ethical" or not? The point is that it's selfish and manipulative.

 

 

Get yourself sorted and move on.

[thebiglimp]

whats funny is the girl i met this weekend, we talked on tinder almost 2 yrs ago before i met my ex. neither of us realized that at the moment but we kinda ended up having a moment there.

 

she stopped talking to me on tinder tho. i remember that also.

[elaine567]

It is not going to work and the best thing you can do here is to arrange to move out ASAP.

She is NOT going to be OK with you dating other women, as "emotionally she's not ready for the breakup", to do so would be entirely cruel no matter what she says.

 

Your are going to have to pack up and move your business anyway so do it sooner rather than later.

[d0nnivain]

whats funny is the girl i met this weekend, we talked on tinder almost 2 yrs ago before i met my ex. neither of us realized that at the moment but we kinda ended up having a moment there.

 

she stopped talking to me on tinder tho. i remember that also.

 

 

See . . . it's part of meant to be theory . . . she already came back twice. Maybe 3rd time is the charm. But you have to wait until you are fully disentangled from your GF

[thebiglimp]

thank you. they are all very sound advise and what i knew to be the right thing.

 

my focus should be tying up my work and the current relationship.

Edited November 20, 2017 by thebiglimp