Things are getting serious, but I'm really on the fence

[Flash23]

So I'll try to make this as short as I possibly can. My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 years. And I absolutely would jump in front of a train for her. When we first started dating we both had TONS of fun; always getting into some kind of trouble and just enjoying each others company. Over the years, she has gained a ton of weight (like 80 pounds) and I have kind of grown physically unattracted to her. I've also always been more of the book smart one and she's not so much (and actually kind of always liked that we balance each other out, but I wish sometimes I was intellectually challenged more) I've been starting to think about a long-term future with her, and something about all of it just makes me hesitant. Another thing that really bothers me is sometimes her maturity level. She grew up the middle child always having to take care of herself because her parents were always fighting, so she's one of those responsible "fighters" who never gives up, but her decision-making in every day life is sometimes extremely poor. And I always feel like I have to pick up the pieces and it just leaves me exhausted sometimes. I think because of her traumatic childhood she's kind of developed a child-like outlook on things. I sometimes see a small child in her that wishes she could go back. And I sometimes feel like I'm really the only stable person in her life she can turn to.

 

I've been questioning the relationship for a while, because it seems the thrill is gone and there's not much to look forward to anymore. I just don't get excited like I used to and I don't feel like I'm growing or being challenged and honestly sometimes I feel like I'm the one dragging it along. She has had weight issues all her life (she was bullied in school) and numerous times in our relationship she has said she will lose the weight and she has actually been hitting the gym pretty frequently but we go out to eat and she orders stuff she knows is bad for her. She just doesn't really have great self-discipline. And I don't know what else to do. I sometimes find myself not as interested in the sex, or looking at other women occasionally (I know it's terrible).

 

We have been living together for about 7 months, and her family life is freaking awful (although her family loves me, me and her brother are pretty close too) So I would feel extremely bad if I put her in a rough situation on her own. I've always been kind of protective, (not in a jealous way, just to take care of her) and I feel like we sometimes need each other too much, and I sometimes feel like it's not healthy for either one of us. I really do miss her whenever I go out of town for work, but it's more of a "I miss my comfort zone" type thing.

 

But with all that being said I truly truly do have a special place in my heart for her. We have always had more of a super close friends type relationship. Even if we weren't dating, I would always be there for her no matter what. She's the peanut butter to my jelly and we just have that special bond that only comes once in a lifetime. We've traveled by car cross-country together, and have been through so many ups and downs, so this is not a relationship I'd just throw away on a whim. I just don't know if a relationship/marriage is the best thing. She really does give all of her effort towards me in the relationship, but sometimes I feel it's a one-way street, because there's always that "what if" in the back of my head. And it won't go away.

 

I just need some outside clarity or advice on what I should do. I see me and her being life-long friends either way, so that's what makes it so hard. She is so much more unique and honest than any other girl I've ever met, and like I said I really do love her. I'm just questioning if a relationship is the right answer. I want her to be happy, and she deserves to be with someone who will find her attractive and jump all over her lol. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Edited November 20, 2017 by Flash23

[Flash23]

Anybody? haha

[SpecialJ]

You're basically saying you don't feel in love with her right now because you've lost physical attraction to her, both as a result of her weight gain and because she isn't challenging you. So there's both physical and emotional reasons you're not feeling as sexually connected to her right now.

 

I'm not sure how old you are or how many relationships you've been in. If you haven't had too many relationships in your life, it's possible that you've been learning what's important to you (that you want a partner who is on the same intellectual and emotional maturity level as you), and it's just not the case here, in which case you should consider leaving.

 

On the other hand, it could be possible that you're trying to find reasons to disconnect from her because you're so turned off by her weight gain, so you're looking for "flaws." 80 pounds may be a lot, but can you appreciate that she is really putting in effort? Some people won't even do that, so at least she's trying, which says good things about her and that she also wants it (and isn't just doing it for you).

 

It also sounds like you're in a rut since moving in together, and you're craving variety to the routine. That doesn't necessarily mean finding a new partner and leaving the relationship, but it does mean you also need to put in some effort to figure out how to keep things fresh.

 

Other things to consider: 1. the spark usually doesn't just stay forever. Having it fade after 3 years is normal enough, and in very long-term relationships, it usually comes and goes -- but is on both of you to maintain. Are there novel or possibly intellectual pursuits and activities you could try together that may make things more exciting and make you two feel more connected? 2. It is HARD to find that "special bond," someone who you trust and love and is the "peanut butter to your jelly." How do you prioritize sparks and strong sexual attraction against having someone you connect with and can trust? 3. It's totally normal to look at other women, but love in a closed and monogamous situation (which this may not be, but I'm assuming) means choosing not to ever act on it because the fun and novelty isn't worth hurting or upsetting your partner. Have you two spoken about preferences and fantasies and if there's a mutually acceptable way to spice up your sex life? 4. People usually don't change drastically, so maybe the most important thing to consider is if she NEVER changes, and just is who she is, can you accept that and love her for it?

 

Don't worry about what breaking up would mean in terms of her and her family being terrible. That stinks, but it's not your responsibility. If you stick around to "protect" her but know you can't regain the attraction and don't want to be with her, it will be FAR more damaging to her in the long-term.

 

Lastly, she doesn't deserve to be taken for granted. Maybe you should also think about if you really care and want what's best for her versus if you're mostly concerned about your comfort zone and how she makes you feel. If it's the latter, then are there ways you can change your own attitude from what can she do for me to make me feel more to, how can I be a more present partner who appreciates what I have? (If not, then maybe you do want to leave the relationship.)

 

I know I didn't give you an answer, but hopefully I gave you some of the right questions to figure this out and a couple additional possible ways to address tackling this.

 

For what it's worth, I'm very petite and my last boyfriend started gaining a lot of weight late in our relationship... something I'm not usually attracted to at all and probably would have made a difference to me if he was that way when we'd met. It was more like 40 pounds than 80 pounds, but when I felt emotionally safe with him I was kind of shocked to find it didn't matter that much. I was still attracted to him, though I'd still rather he lost it from a health perspective. But it was piling on because he was making bad eating choices, and I never really figured out a good way to talk to him about it so I mostly didn't because he had mentioned a couple times that he was well aware of the gains. I didn't want to give him a complex on top of it, as he'd also struggled a bit with his weight when he was a kid.

Edited November 20, 2017 by SpecialJ

[chicagogem]

You obviously care a lot about her and value the relationship you have with her, and I think you’re wise to think through these things before jumping into the commitment of marriage or dissolving it completely. Relationships are difficult and go in and out of many seasons. Do you have a close family member you could talk through this with? Or even a counselor might help you be able to make sense of the struggles you’re having and how much importance they should have when making your decision. Wishing you all the best in your decision and relationship with her!

[CaliBabe]

Is it possible to try to work on the relationship first before breaking up with her? Maybe go to couples counseling, work on the weight issue, maybe get some new scenery and go on vacation? Give it all you've got before you decide to leave. Wishing you lots of luck.

[Been]

Your a coward. I'm just telling you like I see it.

You've dated her for three years and she put on 80 pounds and now all the sudden your losing attraction for her and yet I'll bet you've never had a discussion about her weight with her.

You stated the "spark" is gone. What have YOU done to keep the spark going? After all it is a two way street.

You stated she isn't very smart. And it bothers you. It took you THREE years to realize that?

She gives you her all and it still isn't good enough. Then I ask what is?

Then you admit to checking out other women when your with her-how much more disrespectful can you be? And yet you CARE so much for her.

You love someone through the good and bad times. Your also suppose to love someone for WHO they are.

Man up. Break up with her. Stop taking the cowards way out by trying to pick some flaw of hers to use as an excuse.