Does this sound like a "he's not into you" scenario?

[biddibom]

So, I met a guy from a dating app in person last weekend (Sat) and I wasn't expecting to see him again. Then the next day he messaged me telling me what a great time he had and left his phone number in the message, asking me to let him know if I want to get together again.

 

It happens that we go to the same community college and we're both pretty busy, so I proposed meeting for coffee at the campus coffee shop between our classes.

 

We had a great 45-minite half-date (hehe) and parted ways. Well, this was on Wednesday.

 

I thought he'd get back to me within the next couple of days, but I didn't hear from him until Saturday. He just asked me how I was doing, and he said he was busy with work and homework. His replies were pretty short and the conversation ended quickly. I told him to let me know when he's free, and he said "ok, hopefully soon.".

 

Well, I probably shouldn't obsess or overthink it, but I noticed he's 'online' a lot on the dating site, and I haven't heard from him yet. I don't like waiting this long to be asked out for a third date... I don't like the suspense.

 

If I don't hear from him by mid-week, I think I will just have to send him a polite message letting him know that I'm going to keep looking, enjoyed meeting him, etc. Thoughts?

[PegNosePete]

Yes it definitely sounds like he's just not that into you. If he were then he certainly wouldn't be wasting time, potentially letting other guys "get in there".

[biddibom]

Yes it definitely sounds like he's just not that into you. If he were then he certainly wouldn't be wasting time, potentially letting other guys "get in there".

Hmm, really? What should I do then?

[sdraw108]

Don't do anything. There's no need to send him a message. Just continue dating others through the app (like he's doing), and forget about him. PegNosePete is completely right. If he's interested, he'd be trying to line up the next date, not sending you brief messages and making excuses about being busy. He's not so busy that he hasn't found the time to be online on the app, right?

Edited November 20, 2017 by sdraw108

[Versacehottie]

Don't do anything. There's no need to send him a message. Just continue dating others through the app (like he's doing), and forget about him. PegNosePete is completely right. If he's interested, he'd be trying to line up the next date, not sending you brief messages and making excuses about being busy. He's not so busy that he hasn't found the time to be online on the app, right?

 

Exactly this bolded. It sounds a little crazy and definitely silly to reach out to send a message to say you are going to keep looking when the guy basically isn't trying to be in touch or set up another date. There is no guarantee that one date will turn into two and two into three. A message from you to him with what you propose to say is kinda like you assumed/presumed it did. It doesn't.

 

Goodluck

[ChatroomHero]

Agree with the other posters, low to no interest. When you first meet someone you put your best foot forward and will generally give the most attention. If right after the first date he's not responding in a timely manner and "too busy" for you, it's not like it will get better. If I was into someone I could be working 95 hours a week and studying 30, I'd still forego sleep to schedule lunch, dinner or a movie with them just to see them and not lose them.

 

 

I wouldn't send a message either. You might think it makes you feel better because in a sense you are showing that you are rejecting him first or letting him know that you know what's going on...but I don't think it accomplishes much.

 

 

Move on and forget about it.

[biddibom]

Exactly this bolded. It sounds a little crazy and definitely silly to reach out to send a message to say you are going to keep looking when the guy basically isn't trying to be in touch or set up another date. There is no guarantee that one date will turn into two and two into three. A message from you to him with what you propose to say is kinda like you assumed/presumed it did. It doesn't.

 

Goodluck

Ok, well we had two dates, and I feel like this is going to be an ongoing game of cat and mouse where I'm being strung along (and finally get a date, maybe) days or even weeks later. So, sending a message puts up a mental boundary for me... I'm someone who likes closure, even if it was brief. As long as the message is perfectly polite and short, I don't think it's a bad idea... that way, I can end it. Maybe that's what I really want to do, is just write him off and end it.

[ChatroomHero]

... I'm someone who likes closure, even if it was brief. As long as the message is perfectly polite and short, I don't think it's a bad idea... that way, I can end it. Maybe that's what I really want to do, is just write him off and end it.

 

 

I don't know that you'll get closure. You'll get a response that he is really busy, still wants to see you, understands if it doesn't work but if you change your mind in the future...

 

 

In effect I think it will string you along more. If he responds or messages you now, I think replying that it isn't working and you are going to move on is not a bad thing but I wouldn't send him anything unless he initiates. But that would be just my inclination and probably doesn't matter much either way.

[biddibom]

I don't know that you'll get closure. You'll get a response that he is really busy, still wants to see you, understands if it doesn't work but if you change your mind in the future...

 

 

In effect I think it will string you along more. If he responds or messages you now, I think replying that it isn't working and you are going to move on is not a bad thing but I wouldn't send him anything unless he initiates. But that would be just my inclination and probably doesn't matter much either way.

Yeah, it doesn't matter much... but I don't think I'm going to let him string me on more. I'm going to date as many men as it takes to find one that gives me what I deserve. I deserve a dating life that adds to my regular life, not one that drains me and leaves me confused or feeling let down.

[smackie9]

OK so here's a tip: don't bother with anyone that tells you "I have a lot of studying/ work long hours/being working and studying/have family issues, or anything to do with how limited their time is. Simply say no thank you.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Ok, well we had two dates, and I feel like this is going to be an ongoing game of cat and mouse where I'm being strung along (and finally get a date, maybe) days or even weeks later. So, sending a message puts up a mental boundary for me... I'm someone who likes closure, even if it was brief. As long as the message is perfectly polite and short, I don't think it's a bad idea... that way, I can end it. Maybe that's what I really want to do, is just write him off and end it.

 

I get this and have been guilty of doing the same thing myself with a select few men I had hoped would turn into something more.

 

I agree with what everyone has said, he's not that into you. Sh*t happens. Welcome to online dating where attention spans are fleeting thanks to an abundance of options just a swipe away.

 

If YOU will feel better sending a closure text, then go for it. Not everyone will understand this and they don't need to. You're the only one who matters here.

 

Having said that, if you're not sure you want to be done with him, then don't bother sending him anything and just go about your life. If he reaches out, great and if not, great.

 

Do NOT send your goodbye/goodluck text in the hopes it will put you back on his radar. That's just sad and straight up manipulative.

 

Who the hell wants to have to remind some guy you still exist and are interested?

 

Not me.

 

Good luck.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree he's clearly not that interested. He might get back in touch when he has nothing else going on. I wouldn't be the chump who says yes to that.

 

I also wouldn't message him again. If you must write such a note for closure, write it to yourself or the universe, bid your goodbyes in spirit, and move on.

[dumbass2]

You need to decide first if you are completely done with him or not. If he text you tomorrow and asked you out would you go? If so then don't send him any closure text. If you're completely done and don't want the cat and mouse games then block his number from calls and text and be done with him. He may reply to a closure text from you and that will start the cat and mouse game you don't want. Just ignore and move on as he has shown you his level of interest.

[kendahke]

So, I met a guy from a dating app in person last weekend (Sat) and I wasn't expecting to see him again. Then the next day he messaged me telling me what a great time he had and left his phone number in the message, asking me to let him know if I want to get together again.

 

It happens that we go to the same community college and we're both pretty busy, so I proposed meeting for coffee at the campus coffee shop between our classes.

 

We had a great 45-minite half-date (hehe) and parted ways. Well, this was on Wednesday.

 

I thought he'd get back to me within the next couple of days, but I didn't hear from him until Saturday. He just asked me how I was doing, and he said he was busy with work and homework. His replies were pretty short and the conversation ended quickly. I told him to let me know when he's free, and he said "ok, hopefully soon.".

 

Well, I probably shouldn't obsess or overthink it, but I noticed he's 'online' a lot on the dating site, and I haven't heard from him yet. I don't like waiting this long to be asked out for a third date... I don't like the suspense.

 

 

1. You've only known him 9 days.

 

2. School work loads and deadlines are ramping up like crazy now for everyone in college/university, undergrad and graduate.

 

3. He met you for coffee for 45 minutes

 

4. You've talked to him twice

 

5. Of course he's online on the dating site. He's single and he hasn't made any declaration to you about anything. Expect that you aren't the only chick he's talking to at this stage.

 

6. There is no reason on earth why you can't call him and ask him out on a date and pay for it, too.

If I don't hear from him by mid-week, I think I will just have to send him a polite message letting him know that I'm going to keep looking, enjoyed meeting him, etc. Thoughts?

 

Do. Not. Leave. That. Weak. Sauce. Message. Nothing smells more desperate than telling someone you already know is super busy with school that you're going to keep on looking. Just keep on looking. Why does he need to be notified about it? That's manipulative and wrong.

 

Could it be low interest? Yeah, it could. It could also be he doesn't know you from a can of paint and right now, there are more important things on his priority list than a girl he met 9 days ago who doesn't lift a finger to reach out to him. From what you've written, he's the one who has been contacting you, not the other way around. You're sitting back waiting to be waited on, as if you have no agency in any of this. That might be adding to why he seems uninterested--because you apparently can't be arsed to initiate.

Edited November 20, 2017 by kendahke

[TheFinalWord]

So, I met a guy from a dating app in person last weekend (Sat) and I wasn't expecting to see him again. Then the next day he messaged me telling me what a great time he had and left his phone number in the message, asking me to let him know if I want to get together again.

 

It happens that we go to the same community college and we're both pretty busy, so I proposed meeting for coffee at the campus coffee shop between our classes.

 

We had a great 45-minite half-date (hehe) and parted ways. Well, this was on Wednesday.

 

I thought he'd get back to me within the next couple of days, but I didn't hear from him until Saturday. He just asked me how I was doing, and he said he was busy with work and homework. His replies were pretty short and the conversation ended quickly. I told him to let me know when he's free, and he said "ok, hopefully soon.".

 

Well, I probably shouldn't obsess or overthink it, but I noticed he's 'online' a lot on the dating site, and I haven't heard from him yet. I don't like waiting this long to be asked out for a third date... I don't like the suspense.

 

If I don't hear from him by mid-week, I think I will just have to send him a polite message letting him know that I'm going to keep looking, enjoyed meeting him, etc. Thoughts?

 

You planned date two, I would let him reach out and plan date three. Otherwise, try not to get hung up like watching when he is online and creating scenarios about what he is or is not doing. I definitely would not send another message, especially about moving on as there is nothing to move on from. It's nearing the end of the semester and close to Thanksgiving. He's probably buried in school work. Its possible he has low interest, or he could be dating some other people. If he's in college, that's one of the advantages. You have almost a once in a lifetime opportunity to mingle with tons of singles.

 

At worst, he's dating others. You should do the same. At best, he's interested but swamped. In either scenario, you should use these college years to date as much as possible. Know there will be those you are interested in, that don't reciprocate and vice versa. Eventually you'll meet someone where the interest is mutual.

[Whodatdog]

Why are you wanting to end something that never got started in the first place? Texting him something about that puts you in the needy catagory, and it will only make him think he's glad he didnt go on that 3rd date with you.

 

Make yourself more important than that, just tell yourself its his loss that he didnt want that third date. And find someone who does.

[Versacehottie]

Why are you wanting to end something that never got started in the first place? Texting him something about that puts you in the needy catagory, and it will only make him think he's glad he didnt go on that 3rd date with you.

 

Make yourself more important than that, just tell yourself its his loss that he didnt want that third date. And find someone who does.

 

Exactly. Closure is hilarious when you have been on two minor dates and met through a dating app. If i was on the receiving end of a text like that, I would just think the person was nuts and glad I didn't get further involved. If you are really "over" it, you would do as whodatdog and lots of other are saying, just simply move on, no need to announce. Why do you think two dates from a college guy implies anything more? No one needs closure over this.

 

You don't need his input or reaction to have "closure"--you give that to yourself by simply dating others and putting him out of your mind. I agree that he will just probably claim busy or not respond. Doubt you will get any answer that suffices or appeases you. And it certainly won't "hurt" a person who has low to no interest in you.

[biddibom]

You don't need his input or reaction to have "closure"--you give that to yourself by simply dating others and putting him out of your mind. I agree that he will just probably claim busy or not respond. Doubt you will get any answer that suffices or appeases you. And it certainly won't "hurt" a person who has low to no interest in you.

Wow, you misunderstand what I have written entirely if you think I'm trying to "hurt" this person.

And there's nothing wrong with thinking two dates with a person deserves a mutual understanding that it won't lead to anything more. Some people experience emotions more intensely and are highly sensitive... like myself. In order to move on from these experiences I like to honor the time spent with a "goodbye" instead of just leaving it hanging.

[Versacehottie]

Wow, you misunderstand what I have written entirely if you think I'm trying to "hurt" this person.

And there's nothing wrong with thinking two dates with a person deserves a mutual understanding that it won't lead to anything more. Some people experience emotions more intensely and are highly sensitive... like myself. In order to move on from these experiences I like to honor the time spent with a "goodbye" instead of just leaving it hanging.

 

I apologize for using the word "hurt". I put it in quotes because I meant it to incorporate make him regret or feel a loss like his chance with you was slipping away or perhaps it's a last ditch effort by you to garner a reaction or make him step up to a date or "feel" something. Perhaps you can say what reaction you expect him to have?

 

Idk, I still don't agree that it's the right move and there is nothing to gain by doing it. His silence or refusal to set a date says basically everything you need to know--it's not that important to him. But it seems like you've gone from "thoughts?" to convincing yourself that it's good thing to do. Let us know how it turns out if you want to and good luck moving forward.

[LivingWaterPlease]

biddibom, don't send the message. Listen to what almost all of the posters have written about it as they have your best interests at heart! Sending that type of message is something you do with someone you've been in a relationship with, not someone you've casually met up with a couple of times.

Edited November 21, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[kendahke]

Wow, you misunderstand what I have written entirely if you think I'm trying to "hurt" this person.

 

Substitute the word "hurt" with either "impact" or "manipulate", because that's what was meant.

 

I'm curious, though: what result are you going for when saying this to him?

 

To shame/guilt him into asking you out (manipulation)?

 

To make him reorder his priority list for someone he doesn't know (manipulation) when there are more pressing matters in his life he needs to focus on this week?

 

Why would you want to go out with someone with whom you have to go to these extremes?

 

And there's nothing wrong with thinking two dates with a person deserves a mutual understanding that it won't lead to anything more.

 

Maybe... maybe not--but it's the unrealistic expectation assigned to this thought that's the problem.

 

Unrealistic expectations are future resentments under construction.

 

Some people experience emotions more intensely and are highly sensitive... like myself. In order to move on from these experiences I like to honor the time spent with a "goodbye" instead of just leaving it hanging.

 

Two dates that lasted less then 6 hours total was the time spent.

 

You can't chill for a couple of days while he gets through his school workload?

 

When you last talked to him, he said this:

 

I told him to let me know when he's free, and he said "ok, hopefully soon."

 

That was left open ended and nebulous. He's doing what you asked. He's not blowing you off. He's not free--that's why you haven't heard from him.

 

If you want direct answers, you have to ask direct questions or make direct requests. He can't read you mind.

 

You are treating him like you two have been seeing each other for 3 months and he's doing the rubber band on you--that's not at all what is going on according to what you wrote.

 

This is all a bit extra here, as if there is no understanding of where all college/university students are right now, this week, with workloads, assignment completions and tests to study for and take. Then it's traveling to see family for the 4-day holiday weekend. Aren't you in college, too? Don't you also have tests and work that needs completing by tomorrow and family to go see, too?

 

Right now, completing his work by deadline tomorrow is his priority, not someone he met 10 days ago. If he hasn't reached out to you by Wednesday 11/29 for the next date, then yeah, he's not interested in you.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Am sure you don't mean it this way, biddibom, but to me, if you send the message it looks as if you're mortified he didn't ask you out again and are trying to regain your self respect, dignity, whatever, by having the last word because you want it to appear as if you're rejecting him, rather than him rejecting you.

 

IOW it may look to him as if you feel rejected.

 

Those are strong words but am in a hurry so can't think of a better way to put it. I know that's not your intention and but is one of the reasons I wouldn't send it.

Edited November 21, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease