Are you always the one dealing with the coward

[Fair]

For me it is the opposite: the older I get, the more I enjoy being alone and the less BS from men I'm prepared to take.

 

As for previously married men, I am yet to meet one that is truly over the ex wife.

 

Absolutely. I think it's quite fair to stop blaming yourself for all the players you meet after a certain age. Because I agree with this... after a certain age, all you meet are previously married or married or separated me who are not yet over their ex!!! It's ALL you find out there after forty!

 

Men won't deal directly with their emotions the way women will. They try to deny/ sweep their feelings under the rug instead and that doesn't make the hurt go away. It DELAYS it. I'm sure men have a much easier time dating previously married women because usually by the time she's ready to leave she's already done the work if she's the one who ends it, and knows she's ready to move on and ready for someone else with a clear slate.

 

I find men are NEVER the ones to end it... it always turns out that the wife left and they're devastated for the rest of their natural lives because they don't know how/ won't deal with it. Men aren't raised in our society to know how to deal with their emotions. So you can't blame yourself for everything... it's not realistic to think that you're the one making all the mistakes all the time.

[Mx12345]

I agree with the OP. It has not been every mini romance for me, but quite a few, yes. In the past four years Ive probably had eight or nine 1-3 month "relationships" and of those 8/9 Ive had to end half because the guy was obviously not as into it as me, but he refused to tell me. Even after I told him that I prefer honesty, and if he wasn't feeling it anymore, to just let me know. Instead he became distant, so I asked what was going on. "Noting, everything is fine." But then more distance. To the point where I said "I'm not getting out of this what I need so I don't think we can see each other anymore." and they agree and we part ways. But its obvious they felt this way weeks before, they were just too much of a coward to say so. Because seeing a girl they only kinda are into while they search for someone else is better than being fully single while they look for someone else. People (men and women who do this) are the ones who are SCARED to be alone. Id rather be single than spend time with someone who doesn't fully stimulate my mind, body and soul.

[kassy]

OP, I suggest you get some counseling. I don't mean this in a rude way. I can't imagine how depressing it must be to feel the way you do about men and life in general.

 

I can't see how you can get a loving supportive relationship with that world view.

 

I'm about to go on a great adventure cycling across Jordan, I booked it when I was single, I was going by myself and joining a tour. I did love being single, I did enjoy my life and have lots of amazing adventures. I'm not making this up for some rubbish reason. The fact that you don't think anyone can be happy when single makes me very sad for you. Did I hope to meet someone to join me on adventures, of course. Was I lonely sometimes, yes definitely. Overall was I very happy and lived my life to the full, definitely.

 

Also in the defence of divorced men over 40, my boyfriend asked for the divorce. Neither of them cheated. He's done a LOT of work emotionally and physically to get himself into a really good space 2 years post divorce. He is also the only divorced guy I've dated in the last 18 months and I've been on somewhere between 150-200 dates. So I also don't know how you can't meet any guys who haven't been married.

 

I know you'll think I'm just making crap up. I'm not. Please go and get some help or you really will just keep repeating your unfortunate dating cycle.

[Fair]

OP, I suggest you get some counseling. I don't mean this in a rude way. I can't imagine how depressing it must be to feel the way you do about men and life in general.

 

I can't see how you can get a loving supportive relationship with that world view.

 

I'm about to go on a great adventure cycling across Jordan, I booked it when I was single, I was going by myself and joining a tour. I did love being single, I did enjoy my life and have lots of amazing adventures. I'm not making this up for some rubbish reason. The fact that you don't think anyone can be happy when single makes me very sad for you. Did I hope to meet someone to join me on adventures, of course. Was I lonely sometimes, yes definitely. Overall was I very happy and lived my life to the full, definitely.

 

Also in the defence of divorced men over 40, my boyfriend asked for the divorce. Neither of them cheated. He's done a LOT of work emotionally and physically to get himself into a really good space 2 years post divorce. He is also the only divorced guy I've dated in the last 18 months and I've been on somewhere between 150-200 dates. So I also don't know how you can't meet any guys who haven't been married.

 

I know you'll think I'm just making crap up. I'm not. Please go and get some help or you really will just keep repeating your unfortunate dating cycle.

 

I am thinking of counselling, actually, simply because I have no one to talk to... everyone else is married, in relationships whether they're happy or not, and so to the better degree everyone else has their emotional needs met, or at least are not alone.

 

But having even just a friend is next to impossible when everyone is paired up and they don't need you around. Most of us only matter to others if they need us otherwise you're on your own.

 

I believe I said somewhere in this thread I've been single for long periods and loved it. I'm don't have a single phobia. I used to thrive on it. But I'm over 40 now and tired of it and now find that having waited was a mistake. Whether it be friends or a boyfriend... at this age, nobody is available, you get STUCK being alone, and after awhile.. despair sets in..

 

I don't know how old you are, but you seem young and when I was younger, I was full of hope, too. Hopefully you never find out first hand what I'm talking about. I thought I had all the time in the world to find someone.... I was wrong. You have to get them when you're young and even then, luck plays a bigger part than people think.

 

As well, we really don't have as many choices for mates as we think we do. There are very few who will actually be compatible with us... and when the dating pool narrows when you hit forty, you're less likely than ever to find someone compatible, is emotional available, etc. etc.

 

It might sound extraordinarily jaded, but I don't think so. I think it's just a fact. One I'm forced to struggle to deal with.

 

If I'd had kids I wouldn't be so lonely. But having them wasn't physically possible for me. I find it's easy for single people with kids to judge me, but they're NOT alone even if they're single. They have a family.

Edited November 21, 2017 by Fair

[kendahke]

Okay, well I'm just not ready to fall for all this flowery talk. People on these internet chat forums are all the same. You come here saying you'd like to have or need someone in your life and everyone sneers at you when the very fact you're human means you do need someone.

 

I find people on these forums to be full of bravado, all of them declaring their own perfect contentment, lack of need for anyone, everyone wearing a mask to show how above needing someone to love them they are...

 

You may want to stick to your bff's for that.

 

I see everyone here giving you some solid advice.

 

The fact of the matter is: no one owes you a relationship just because you want one. If that were the case, the men you pass on shouldn't be passed up--they are owed a chance, if we're to follow your line of thinking. They need someone to love, too--why not you? No--we all are entitled to our preferences in whom we want as a romantic partner and no one is obligated to give up their autonomy if they do not find someone attractive enough for them. You certainly didn't.

 

When are people going to take the mask off and show some vulnerability.

 

People are reluctant to be vulnerable with someone who is combative and confrontational.

 

It should be easy to do on an ANONYMOUS forum like this one. Here, you don't have to put up a pic, text or call, or make yourself vulnerable in any way... but if you can't do that in this safe environment, it's no wonder OLD so often fails where you actually have to have enough guts to be real about yourselves.

 

I'm not following here--this isn't a dating site. We're a bunch of strangers whose opinions are sought. That's it. Close friends are a better source for what you're looking for. Or a therapist.

 

I did dump the guy on OLD I've been referring him. I stand by the fact that I did meet him even though it wasn't face to face, and that my decision to dump him was the right one despite the fact we never met for coffee.

 

Nor do I wish I had gotten something from him I knew I wasn't going to get. My only gripe is that... yet again... I encountered another selfish coward, who didn't have room in his heart for me but who wanted to see if he could still get what he could get... for his own good, only.

 

As was your right. He was not your preference and you found that out early; but understand: that same mindset can be used on you. If you feel it's your right to dish it out, you also have to accept it when it comes back 'round your way.

[Fair]

"""People are reluctant to be vulnerable with someone who is combative and confrontational.""

 

Perhaps I come off this way... probably do... but I find other people's posts combative sometimes too when perhaps it's not meant. For example, I find yours very combative and confrontational kendhake..

 

It just happens that I don't buy that people are as tough as they like to appear, that's all. It may be an anonymous forum here, but that was exactly my point. It doesn't cost anything on this particular site to stop pretending perfection the way they do on OLD. You don't have to pretend... no one knows you... no one knows your name or has your phone number or has seen your photos.

 

Every time I come here talking about loneliness I feel I'm being treated as weak.. flawed... when there are so many people in my position. Loneliness is now an epidemic. Think about that. And No wonder! No one will be real with one another, admit their vulnerabilities or truly try to connect when given a chance to do so. Even when it doesn't cost anything.

 

As well, you sound as if I rejected that guy on OLD out of spite when it was just simply something that had to be done.... and now suggest I should expect Karma as a result of my behavior. 'don't be surprised if it comes back at you" is what you said.

 

Combative and confrontational .... those words coming from you sound like you're just projecting your own flaws onto me....

[mortensorchid]

I wish I knew the answer for you, I am or have been in a similar situation with just about every man I have ever been with. Except they are the ones who break it off because they think I'm crazy, they throw me over for a trashy girl aka someone they feel superior to or who is a lot of drama, or does it via text / email rather than face to face or a phone call even; or is just never interested in me at all.

 

If I knew the answer for you (or anyone else) who posts a whoa on this forum, I promise you, I would tell you the answer. But I don't have that answer. All I can say to you or anyone else is that we have to keep moving forward and try and never give up.

 

I'm realizing lately that I suffer from a certain amount of PTSD from past hurts (dating and so called "friend" related, but we all go through those things). I'm trying to get things out of me and go forth with things. "Don't give up" someone says in me, the other says "Give up". I can't be so weak, I have a suit of armor around me, I'm hard as a rock. And so are you. Move on from these horrible people and realize these people do not deserve you.

[kassy]

I am thinking of counselling, actually, simply because I have no one to talk to... everyone else is married, in relationships whether they're happy or not, and so to the better degree everyone else has their emotional needs met, or at least are not alone.

 

But having even just a friend is next to impossible when everyone is paired up and they don't need you around. Most of us only matter to others if they need us otherwise you're on your own.

 

I believe I said somewhere in this thread I've been single for long periods and loved it. I'm don't have a single phobia. I used to thrive on it. But I'm over 40 now and tired of it and now find that having waited was a mistake. Whether it be friends or a boyfriend... at this age, nobody is available, you get STUCK being alone, and after awhile.. despair sets in..

 

I don't know how old you are, but you seem young and when I was younger, I was full of hope, too. Hopefully you never find out first hand what I'm talking about. I thought I had all the time in the world to find someone.... I was wrong. You have to get them when you're young and even then, luck plays a bigger part than people think.

 

As well, we really don't have as many choices for mates as we think we do. There are very few who will actually be compatible with us... and when the dating pool narrows when you hit forty, you're less likely than ever to find someone compatible, is emotional available, etc. etc.

 

It might sound extraordinarily jaded, but I don't think so. I think it's just a fact. One I'm forced to struggle to deal with.

 

If I'd had kids I wouldn't be so lonely. But having them wasn't physically possible for me. I find it's easy for single people with kids to judge me, but they're NOT alone even if they're single. They have a family.

 

I'm glad you are thinking of counseling as it sounds like you are in a terrible space. Hopefully it will help you.

 

I'm 36 (37 very soon) so not much younger than you. And also have single friends your age and older who do not feel the way you do. I'm not saying you are wrong or weak to feel this way. I am just saying I think you need some help out of this funk. So well done for posting here.

 

I don't have that issue with friends either. Maybe you need to meet some more people? It's sounds like you are really in a rut. What do you do for fun? Who do you do it with?

 

I have 3 friends who have decided they wanted kids and hadn't found the guy yet and one adopted 2 children and two went the artificial semination route. All are very happy with their decision and have wonderful families. Two are now no longer single. Could adoption be an option for you?

 

My friend who adopted lways wanted to be a mum and when the right guy hadn't come along decided she wouldn't let that stop her have the kids as she believes the right guy can come along at any point and at 43 she didn't want to wait any longer for the kids. She now has the kids and a wonderful partner. My friends have made me realise this is in fact true and while not my dream way of having kids it's certainly something I will do myself if it comes to it. They get a lot of joy from their kids and are great mother's.

 

I really feel for you. You sound defeated. Please get the counseling and at the very least try to find a way back to friendships if nothing else. Single life can be lonely but it doesn't have to be.

 

Again what are your interests and hobbies?

[Shining One]

You must be hot to make a statement like this because I see guys cheating left and right who don’t wanna commit

How are they cheating if they are not committed? Cheating is the violation of a commitment.