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What are the hardest days/times when going through a break up?

Nothingtolose

By Nothingtolose
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Buriall Established Member

Buriall

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You will heal in time and forget all of this happened one day and you ll be ready to risk gambling again with someone new...or die trying

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chinadiary Established Member

chinadiary

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You will heal in time and forget all of this happened one day and you ll be ready to risk gambling again with someone new...or die trying

 

 

 

I'm a lot older than most people on this site. I don't want to have to deal with this s**t as a retiree so I've decided it's time I say no more. I'm not breaking my heart over men again.

 

It's such a waste of a life. I survived cancer only to deal with this?

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wishyouneverleft Established Member

wishyouneverleft

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I'm a lot older than most people on this site. I don't want to have to deal with this s**t as a retiree so I've decided it's time I say no more. I'm not breaking my heart over men again.

 

It's such a waste of a life. I survived cancer only to deal with this?

 

I agree, if this doesn't work in this relationship, I'm done. When you invest yourself so much into a relationship, the time it takes to truly heal and the loss in productivity in the process just isn't worth it.

Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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Exactly. Much as I'd like to find someone to grow old with, I can't go through this again. I'll settle for peace of mind and being alone. Sitting, checking to see if he's got in touch, not knowing how I'll make it to bedtime, let alone through tomorrow, the week, month, year, until I feel better.

 

WHY do we allow ourselves to feel like this? Do this to ourselves?

 

Hope. Companionship. Family. Children. Someone other than yourself who'll have your back, help you up when you fail, stand by you through good and bad. Fear of growing old and alone. I know those are my reasons atleast.

 

Unfortunately, I think I've reached my threshold as well. Too much rejection, too many heartbreaks. When I was 20, it still hurt but it was fine. There was plenty to learn from rejection and heartbreak when you don't have any experience. I grew from it. But now, it just feels redundant and damaging. It impacts the rest of my life and I am tired of feeling like a broken person whose perpetually stuck in the healing process for the rest of their life. I wanted love and happy moments. But it seems almost everyone in this screwed up world is only interested in furthering their own agenda, at the expense of destroying others. The energy and time it costed trying new people out, only to watch them walk away despite everything shared together is not worth it for me anymore. It's a waste of my life as well.

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chinadiary Established Member

chinadiary

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Hope. Companionship. Family. Children. Someone other than yourself who'll have your back, help you up when you fail, stand by you through good and bad. Fear of growing old and alone. I know those are my reasons atleast.

 

Unfortunately, I think I've reached my threshold as well. Too much rejection, too many heartbreaks. When I was 20, it still hurt but it was fine. There was plenty to learn from rejection and heartbreak when you don't have any experience. I grew from it. But now, it just feels redundant and damaging. It impacts the rest of my life and I am tired of feeling like a broken person whose perpetually stuck in the healing process for the rest of their life. I wanted love and happy moments. But it seems almost everyone in this screwed up world is only interested in furthering their own agenda, at the expense of destroying others. The energy and time it costed trying new people out, only to watch them walk away despite everything shared together is not worth it for me anymore. It's a waste of my life as well.

 

 

EXACTLY. I'm no wimp. I fought for 2 years to survive cancer. But this is one time too many heart breaks.

Buriall Established Member

Buriall

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Posted
I'm a lot older than most people on this site. I don't want to have to deal with this s**t as a retiree so I've decided it's time I say no more. I'm not breaking my heart over men again.

 

It's such a waste of a life. I survived cancer only to deal with this?

 

 

What is love?

 

is love pleasure, desire? experience, memory and so on??

 

how does one find out...??

wishyouneverleft Established Member

wishyouneverleft

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Every day, whenever I'm alone with my emotions. Meditating, resting, waking up, working, sometimes its worse than others.

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sdraw108 Established Member

sdraw108

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The worst time for me is late at night, when I finally have to put away all the distractions (TV, computer, books, etc.) and attempt to sleep. Or when I've just finished a movie that managed to keep me distracted and then the end credits come up and I think, "now what?" and the thoughts come flooding back.

 

Mornings aren't great either. That moment when you wake up from the bliss of ignorance that comes from dreaming, and have to remember reality again. Other nights the dreams themselves are the problem.

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Nothingtolose Established Member

Nothingtolose

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Reading all of you guys' responses, it's almost like I can feel your pain. It's all so brutal. I see people who've had one or two relationships in their lives, maybe one big heartbreak, then that's it, on to their happily ever after...and then there's people like me/like us, who have had their heart broken so many times they stopped keeping track. Are we just bad at love, bad at life? Are we perpetually drawn to individuals who are incapable of loving fully? What's the deal?

 

I have been going on a few dates. None of them have been terrible, most were decent, some were even a great time. Yet I've had no desire to see either of them again. With some I could pinpoint that I felt no attraction or that there was something personality-wise that wasn't right...but there were a couple of guys who were attractive and nice, yet I just felt no excitement about pursuing anything, and if I never heard from them again I wouldn't care. I just feel numb to all of it.

 

I gave so much to that relationship. We even went to counselling. All those nights of fighting, and tears, and promises...all for nothing. It's like we swam to exhaustion and ended up dying at the shore. And now he won't even reach out to ask how I'm doing. I see so many success stories of relationships who went through hell and came out stronger in the end, but we failed. He failed to fight for me when I needed him to, almost as if I wasn't worth fighting for. How absolutely insane that two people can share a life that way and then become complete strangers. If the end of a 4 year history can hurt like this, I can't even imagine the stories I read on here about relationships of 15, 20 years falling apart...you guys are absolute heroes for surviving this kind of pain.

sdraw108 Established Member

sdraw108

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Are we just bad at love, bad at life? Are we perpetually drawn to individuals who are incapable of loving fully? What's the deal?

 

In my experience very few people are mature enough to be willing to put in significant effort, and make sacrifices, to make a relationship work. No relationship will ever be perfect, particularly as the years go by and the issues emerge. The ones that make it work are the ones that have the strength of character to put in that effort to overcome the problems, and to compromise and find a middle ground.

 

For me, love means caring enough about someone that you'd be willing to make those compromises (which invariably means sacrificing something) instead of just bailing. But it seems to me that to most people love just means that the other person is fulfilling some need or want i.e. it's about themselves rather than the other person. So they aren't willing to sacrifice anything and instead spend their lives chasing their fantasy of the "perfect partner" that actually doesn't exist.

 

I'm 35 and just come to the end of my 3rd major relationship. Looking back on them, there were signs (red flags, if you like) in the early stages in all of them that should have told me it wouldn't ultimately work out, but I stuck with them anyway because I'm one of those rare (from my perspective) people who does try to sacrifice and compromise, and who prefers to make a relationship work (as long as there is love) rather than abandon it. I've decided now to be more ruthless. It's better to end a potential relationship early if there are red flags, than waste years of your life and suffer at the end of it. Hopefully that will increase my chances of finally meeting a person who shares my values.

 

But it certainly is easy to despair and think that there is nobody decent out there. That isn't true, but finding that person sure is a lot of hard work.

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wishyouneverleft Established Member

wishyouneverleft

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Reading all of you guys' responses, it's almost like I can feel your pain. It's all so brutal. I see people who've had one or two relationships in their lives, maybe one big heartbreak, then that's it, on to their happily ever after...and then there's people like me/like us, who have had their heart broken so many times they stopped keeping track. Are we just bad at love, bad at life? Are we perpetually drawn to individuals who are incapable of loving fully? What's the deal?

 

 

 

From my past experience, it is me. I chose that person, I ignored my intuition, and something drew me to this destructive individual. Just like in the past when I was young and stupid, women were drawn to me because of what they were attracted to due to, checklists, upbringing, trauma, etc. Just like I'm to blame for my successes, I also have to accept and carry responsibility in our failures in life and self reflect to see what can we do to improve.

chinadiary Established Member

chinadiary

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In my experience very few people are mature enough to be willing to put in significant effort, and make sacrifices, to make a relationship work. No relationship will ever be perfect, particularly as the years go by and the issues emerge. The ones that make it work are the ones that have the strength of character to put in that effort to overcome the problems, and to compromise and find a middle ground.

 

For me, love means caring enough about someone that you'd be willing to make those compromises (which invariably means sacrificing something) instead of just bailing. But it seems to me that to most people love just means that the other person is fulfilling some need or want i.e. it's about themselves rather than the other person. So they aren't willing to sacrifice anything and instead spend their lives chasing their fantasy of the "perfect partner" that actually doesn't exist.

 

.

 

 

I agree. My ex had had so many relationships. And he was so unwilling to compromise. I would never let go while there was love. He was old, crotchety, grumpy. But I loved him and would have given anything to be with him.

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Nothingtolose Established Member

Nothingtolose

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From my past experience, it is me. I chose that person, I ignored my intuition, and something drew me to this destructive individual. Just like in the past when I was young and stupid, women were drawn to me because of what they were attracted to due to, checklists, upbringing, trauma, etc. Just like I'm to blame for my successes, I also have to accept and carry responsibility in our failures in life and self reflect to see what can we do to improve.

 

I agree with you - I take full responsibility for being drawn to the wrong individuals, which is why I'm doing a ton of work on myself this time around, from counselling, to books, to meditation, to starting a business, you name it...I want to build my confidence and self-esteem to never want to be with a fixer-upper again, or emotionally unavailable people etc, which I always fell for because deep down I did not believe I was worthy of better.

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