Ten Years- why can't I break away from my ex /fwb

[salparadise]

But during the second session she did say it sounds as though I'm looking for the same feeling I had as a child (parents divorced etc)

 

This is fundamental human nature... to gravitate toward comfort and familiarity. Some personalities are more susceptible, more resistant to taking risks and enduring discomfort temporarily to exact the changes we want to make our lives better. I can relate to it personally.

 

She agrees he has commitment issues-

That's the understatement of the year decade.

 

Like he got kicked out of uni for not turning up . He is clever and very talented so he could have passed no problem. And he hasn't learnt to drive I believe because if he doesn't try ...he can't fail .

 

May be the same with relationships for him i dont know. This is why I felt like deep down he feels something for me he just can't..

Show it. But then maybe I'm just kidding myself so I can just stick around a bit longer.

 

My guess is that he sees you as an object rather than experiencing you fully as person, like a person with fully developed emotional capacity would. You're like a favorite old chair... comfortable, familiar, easy... easily taken for granted, although not exciting like a new chair, and not complicated like a person. He has no incentive to change things up. He's getting what he needs from you, and he doesn't cost him anything. Easy peasy. You're both engaging in this, it's just that he's happy with status quo and you're frustrated and upset that it's not what you actually want.

 

The men I have met or gone on dates with have treated me like human crap as well so I just go back to him as a comfort blanket in a way.

 

Yes, sounds reasonable. It's the pattern, right? You almost certainly need to take some time just being single before you start dating again, and after that don't expect to automatically find Mr. Wright in the first month or two. Realize that you have a history of attaching to the emotionally unavailable, and that could continue. So you have to start owning it... instead of blaming him for not being who you want, take responsibility for changing whatever it is in YOU that keeps you stuck and unable to cast away millstones when it's in your own best interest.

 

I want all of this I really do and yet im acting completely at odds with what I say I want.

 

A decade or three ago I heard of type of therapy called Decision Therapy. The theory posits that we often make conscious decisions that we are not committed to, and retain the underlying or subconscious motivation to change nothing. Decision Therapy was suppose to help you learn to make and be committed to important decisions with no reservations... and when you are, you naturally pursue the new course with vigor, primary energy, and no hesitation.

 

Somehow, I think you need to change your underlying motivation... to choose what is painful and familiar. Your head and heart are pulling in opposite directions. Part of that is fully believing that you are worthy––worthy of being loved wholeheartedly and not settling for a half-life to avoid discomfort. You have to make the decision, even though it's scary.

 

 

Brené Brown - Worthiness and Vulnerability

[Yosemite]

Well he he has said he's told me so many times he doesn't love me or want me and that this is FWB so I can't get angry or jealous or upset. And I have slept with some guys (hardly though) in the ten years and he doesn't get upset about that

 

It doesn’t get any clearer than that. He has straight up told you to your face that he doesn’t want you, doesn’t love you, and doesn’t care when you sleep with other men. You turn your brain into a pretzel trying to convince yourself that that means he has feelings for you…it’s almost like you get something out of being treated very poorly. You need to figure out what that is.

 

This is why I felt like deep down he feels something for me he just can't..

Show it. But then maybe I'm just kidding myself so I can just stick around a bit longer.

 

Hopefully your therapist can help you understand why you want this situation to last longer. The way he treats you should make you feel awful, the fact that it doesn’t and that you want to stretch this out for as long as you can is the source of your problem.

 

And he hasn't learnt to drive I believe because if he doesn't try ...he can't fail .

 

May be the same with relationships for him i dont know.

 

Maybe this is what’s going with you. If you waste your youth with this guy, you won’t have to try at a real relationship and don’t have to worry about it failing.

Edited November 19, 2017 by Yosemite

[Arianacyna]

It doesn’t get any clearer than that. He has straight up told you to your face that he doesn’t want you, doesn’t love you, and doesn’t care when you sleep with other men. You turn your brain into a pretzel trying to convince yourself that that means he has feelings for you…it’s almost like you get something out of being treated very poorly. You need to figure out what that is.

 

 

 

Hopefully your therapist can help you understand why you want this situation to last longer. The way he treats you should make you feel awful, the fact that it doesn’t and that you want to stretch this out for as long as you can is the source of your problem.

 

 

 

Maybe this is what’s going with you. If you waste your youth with this guy, you won’t have to try at a real relationship and don’t have to worry about it failing.

 

I've thought about all replies on this thread and why I can't leave this alone. I have been doing this since I was 17. Im now 27. Ive never had an adult relationship. I don't know how to meet men or be around them.

 

I've been told I'm attractive and good fun etc and shouldn't have a problem meeting someone. But i think I'm petrified to do this without him. In a way. I feel very silly.

[usa1ah]

Hi

 

What just drop him after ten years with no explanation?

See hes not all bad he has helped me out as a friend before. Hes lent me money, I've called him when I'm having a bad day etc... I don't know.

 

I just feel like wrenching myself away would be a bit mean but also really hard? Coz over the ten years he has sometimes been there.

 

Actually even writing this now it sounds ridiculous...

 

Although with him trying to or dating other girls...Well he he has said he's told me so many times he doesn't love me or want me and that this is FWB so I can't get angry or jealous or upset. And I have slept with some guys (hardly though) in the ten years and he doesn't get upset about that...so I can't either -_-'

 

Yes, drop him.

 

The only way you will find someone is to let him go completely.

 

You are still tied to him but he isn’t tied to you. That is why he can careless when you occasionally sleep with another guy.

 

Break things off with him completely.

[chinadiary]

. I feel very silly.

 

 

 

Don't feel too bad. I'm a LOT older than you, and I've done the same thing. If you go through the hell now, you have time to make good. A husband. Children.

 

I wish I was you. You have time to put it right.

[Yosemite]

 

I've been told I'm attractive and good fun etc and shouldn't have a problem meeting someone. But i think I'm petrified to do this without him. In a way. I feel very silly.

 

You can’t let fear rule your life. That’s all it comes down to.

 

You know that this isn’t right for you, you know that you should stop, but fear is preventing you from moving forward. Well the only way to get over fear is to do what you’re afraid even though you’re scared. People who are in treatment for a fear of heights, go to high places/altitudes while scared repeatedly until they can do it without feeling fear. For you, you’ll have to pursue healthy relationships while feeling fear until you can do it without feeling scared.

[stillafool]

Well no I mean... He has said he wants to meet someone else/he doesn't want me. But his actions... He hasnt gone out with anyone, hasn't dated anyone and hasn't had sex with anyone else :/ so I just thought he might feel something for me deep down.

 

But maybe.... Not from the results on this thread

 

I guess I was asking if this was a possibility/what people thought so thanks for honesty I guess

 

No, he's too lazy to go out and find someone else so he uses what is available to him - YOU! Once a girl comes along that he wants to be his gf/wife he will walk away from you. He has warned you. Listen to him.

[Vivir]

Arianacyna,

 

Your situation is a horrible one, mostly because of two syndromes: he doesn't want you (in the way that you want him), but he won't let you leave, you're projecting your feelings and/or ideas about "love" onto him, and neither of you are good at closing the door on whatever this is you're doing. You have been in it so long that you're having a hard time seeing your way out of it. And I do believe you when you say you want out. And there are ways to get out. You will have to be *willing* to feel a lot of negative feelings, face a lot of your denials head on, and ultimately say Goodbye to this young man who has been a part of your life for so long.

 

Something similar happened to me. I fell in love for the first (and only?) time at 19 with a good friend from college. In three years, we broke up twice, and at the end of the second break up, I allowed myself to be demoted to friend with benefits (FWB). We were long distance for a number of years and I basically allowed myself to remain in the status FOR YEARS in a thoughtless kind of way. It was a long process (for me) and a long time coming for me to say Goodbye, but I finally did. By this, I mean, I ended everything - even the "friendship." We do not speak at all anymore, and I do not miss him, though I wonder how he is and if he is OK. By the time it ended, of course, he had been in and out of several long-term relationships, finished a graduate degree, moved to a different city... I mean, he was really living life.

 

I hope you don't mind, but I would like to go through your post point-by-point.

 

You said, "This guy and I, we were together for two years around 17/18/19 years of age.

He chased me for two years - romantic gestures, drawings, poems, being there for me etc but when he finally got me it was almost like he just didn't want me.

I loved him so much - I showered him with gifts, was loyal, loving etc."

 

This sounds to me like someone who was engrossed in The Chase. When said Chase was finished, he became bored. It also could be that he chased for so long that he gave up just as you came around...

 

You said, "In turn he kept me at arms length. I wasn't allowed to stay over more than two nights a week. I caught him chatting to other girls and he even joined a OkCupid on valnetines day- I found out years later (he wanted friends he claimed)."

 

Ariana, you and me and many others must learn to trust our instincts. There may be many reasons to keep a person at arm's length. There may be reasons that he didn't want you or any other person staying over for more than two nights a week. But joining a dating site for "friends" is as ridiculous as you think it is. You have to learn to trust your instincts.

 

You said, "Fast forward, we broke up but ended up being FWB. We both went to different unis but often met up to hook up/hang out. One night after bing broken up a year he text me to say I was his soulmate, the missing piece of the jigsaw. My heart soared and I arranged we met on the weekend to try again. The next day he called to say he had made a mistake."

 

This is terrible. Although this ship has sailed, Natalie Lue of baggagereclaim.co.uk advises her readers to never allow themselves to be demoted from partner to FWB. He might have been feeling sentimental here, but he acted very irresponsibly in regard to your feelings - the feelings of his "friend" that I am sure he knew had all of these wishes and hopes and love for him. He made a "mistake." That is fine, but there are consequences for our actions. This would have been a perfect time to end this entire thing and try your best to move on with your life without him taking up space.

 

You said, "I had a few flings at uni but nothing serious and I thought if him always."

 

when we have deep affection for someone, this is normal. You're trying to "move on" but you're not going as far as you should... Sleeping with others is not moving on. It is covering a wound with a bandaid laced up with poison. Presently, you should definitely try to uncover WHY he has such a big piece of your heart and mind. What makes him so special? For me, I knew my ex and he had all of this cool stuff under his belt (he joined this famous organization, he graduated from a prestigious university, grew up in and lived in a dynamic city, had this awesome career, etc.)... I realized that I thought it made me "better" just to know and be associated with someone like him. It took me YEARS to uncover that I actually felt this way. And then it took me some time to realize that if it did nothing for me directly, it meant nothing to me at all.

 

You said, "He ended up with a girlfriend. Told me he didn't have one to get me round his house... We hooked up but then he burst into tears and said he had just got back together with her and had just cheated. I went to leave his house and give him a kiss on the cheek to say bye and he recoiled in horror. My heart broke."

 

Oh my. So, in this short paragraph, he lied to you to get what he wanted. He used you, knowing how you feel for him, for sex. He had a changed of heart after he got what he wanted. Then he treated you as if you were the one who had done something wrong to him as opposed to the other way around. "He recoiled in horror." I know that your heart was broken at this point, and I am sorry this happened to you. This, too, would have been a great place to disappear from his life for good.

 

You said, "To my disgust I did see him on and off knowing he had a girlfriend although he marinated they were casual and she knew about me. I don't think she did. My heart was shattered all the time and I just loathed myself. We didn't speak for a year and i missed him my terribly. He gotnback in touch with me and i just went right back.

I'm sorry I did that. This was five years ago."

 

So, he turned you into an other woman (OW), and you allowed that to happen. It was a serious mistake, I hope you will never repeat, as such a thing can be soul destroying... I am curious. What happened in the year that you all did not communicate? Unfortunately, I assume nothing at all was learned by you or by him based on what you wrote next...

 

You said, "Fast forward to now. I graduated. We both came back to our home town. For the past five years we have seen each other most weekends. Been on several holidays abroad. Been to concerts, meals out, events etc. I know his family well. I have sometimes tried to get away from him and have had sex with other guys. I've always told him but he doesn't care at all. I would be devastated if he had (double standards I know)"

 

Congratulations on your graduation It seems to me that you two have enjoyed much time together. But he doesn't view things the same as you, and you shouldn't expect him to. You and he are individuals... still, one of you - most likely you - will get very hurt because of this series of events...

 

"During this time he has continued to tell me he doesn't love me or want me. At his mother's birthday (he invited me) I tried to put my arm around him and he wouldn't let me. He wouldn't dance with me. His family asked me when he was going to make it official.

I had had too much wine so just burst into tears and had to go to the bathroom.

He just says we are best friends who have sex but for example when I got locked out of my house (lost keys) I asked him if I could go to his and he said no."

 

I call bull****. I do not have sex with my best friend. If I did, and I saw how emotional he or she got, I wouldn't treat him or her in such a manner. You're crying and running off to the bathroom, and this grown man is hunching up his shoulders like Hey, I don't know what is wrong with her now. You're getting locked out of your house and he won't call a locksmith, won't let you come over for shelter even... He is treating you like he told you what was what and since you didn't leave, he assumes you are OK with it. He is getting most of what he wants at your expense, and you have allowed him to do this. He doesn't seem to think very highly of you, not enough to respect a friendship boundary or to make you his partner, and seems constantly to be on the prowl for someone better. This is where you MUST learn and then ACT in such a way that you respect your own boundaries, like you think very highly of yourself, that you will be your own partner and ACT accordingly. You may even have to fake it til you make it, until you learn to do this automatically. It is not easy, but it is possible.

 

You said, "When I get jealous he tried to meet other girls (to my knowledge he hasn't as yet) he gets very angry and says that I have no right and I need to get over it or leave."

 

So, when you try to pull away and leave, he is also gets angry... interesting. Why do you think this is? Don't ask him, as he is not likely to be able to answer this question. Answer it for yourself. Come up with the most plausible answer. Think of what you want the answer to be and then the antithesis of this answer. Consider all of these things.

 

You said, "If I try to plan things in advance with him he says he can't commit that far in advance and would let me know."

 

He cannot commit that far in advance... that is indicative of someone looking for something better to do or someone "better" to spend time with. The only time I cannot plan things in advance is when my work schedule is erratic. But that's me. I doubt that he has the same reason, as below you said he is unemployed currently.

 

You said, "Sometimes he can be sweet and we have so much in common. I see him every week, and j call him for hours."

 

Commonalities are secondary values, not primary ones. What are your values? Does his values seem to match your own? Are you simply trying not to be lonely? He has proven that when he is not being "sweet" he could care less about how his actions and behaviors affect you. What is he really doing for you? Is he helping or hindering you?

 

You said, "He got kicked out of University and fired from one job. He also left another job and hasn't worked for a year or more. Hes pushed a lot of his friends away and I just don't know why hes fine it. Hes clever, talented and creative."

 

He is a grown man. You can only do so much to "help" him - especially if he won't or can't recognize a problem or problems. It is possible the other areas of his life (like being unemployed) are negatively affecting how he is interacting with you, but because this has been going on for so long, I don't think that is the case. You will not be able to "save" him from what happens in his life, the decisions that he makes, etc. In fact, you must worry about helping and saving yourself, the one person over whom you can exert control. You are the person you will never be able to divorce.

 

You said, "When I try to pull away he gets angry I'm acting out and says that we are friends hes never promised anything more so I can't act like this."

 

Actually, you can. End of. Leaving any relationship is not a democracy! You do not need his permission or his blessing to bow out. He cannot say, "Oh, I told you what the deal was... you didn't leave, for years you allowed me to dump my bull**** on you and I must ALWAYS be able to do this...and you must take it all with a smile! NOW AND FOREVER!!!" Yeah, right. People come to their senses and bow out. He is being ridiculous. He should be happy you aren't raging out on him! He should be glad you aren't taking revenge or treating him in a way similar as to how he has been treating you. If you simply stop, he is getting away clean and easy.

 

You said, "After ten years of this rollercoaster I am at my wit's end. Ive signed myself into therapy because I don't know why I CANT let this man go."

 

You can let him go. You just have to want to do so bad enough.

 

You said, "I know I should. But I can't and i dont know why. A tiny part of me thinks this is all a front ans he does love me very deep down and if I just try a little harder I'll get there."

 

Again. You can. You just have to want to bad enough. ALSO... This last sentence is what is keeping you STUCK. You and he are individuals, yet you are assigning him your feelings.. you are projecting them onto him. He does NOT feel the same thing(s) that you feel. His actions have spoken very loudly over time. You have put in an extraordinary effort, yet you feel drained and at your wit's end, because (you are giving everything and) he is taking and not giving back anything whatsoever.

 

What do you think would happen if you refocused this extraordinary effort toward yourself? Why don't you try it out for an hour just to see?

 

Many of us who have posted on your thread or read your story don't want to see you waste your youth on this (or any other) unavailable relationship.

 

How does one break free?

Edited November 21, 2017 by Vivir

[stillafool]

 

I've been told I'm attractive and good fun etc and shouldn't have a problem meeting someone. But i think I'm petrified to do this without him. In a way. I feel very silly.

 

Petrified to do what without him? Pursue another relationship? What would he have to do with that? I don't think it is fear holding you back as much as you are determined to make someone love you who doesn't.