Ten Years- why can't I break away from my ex /fwb

[Arianacyna]

Hi,

 

I am at a really low point and I don't know where to turn any more. I would like some impartial advice from outsiders.

 

This guy and I, we were together for two years around 17/18/19 years of age.

He chased me for two years - romantic gestures, drawings, poems, being there for me etc but when he finally got me it was almost like he just didn't want me.

I loved him so much - I showered him with gifts, was loyal, loving etc.

 

In turn he kept me at arms length. I wasn't allowed to stay over more than two nights a week. I caught him chatting to other girls and he even joined a OkCupid on valnetines day- I found out years later (he wanted friends he claimed) .

 

Fast forward, we broke up but ended up being FWB. We both went to different unis but often met up to hook up/hang out. One night after bing broken up a year he text me to say I was his soulmate, the missing piece of the jigsaw. My heart soared and I arranged we met on the weekend to try again. The next day he called to say he had made a mistake.

 

I had a few flings at uni but nothing serious and I thought if him always.

 

He ended up with a girlfriend. Told me he didn't have one to get me round his house... We hooked up but then he burst into tears and said he had just got back together with her and had just cheated. I went to leave his house and give him a kiss on the cheek to say bye and he recoiled in horror. My heart broke.

 

To my disgust I did see him on and off knowing he had a girlfriend although he marinated they were casual and she knew about me. I don't think she did. My heart was shattered all the time and I just loathed myself. We didn't speak for a year and i missed him my terribly. He gotnback in touch with me and i just went right back .

 

I'm sorry I did that. This was five years ago.

 

Fast forward to now. I graduated. We both came back to our home town. For the past five years we have seen each other most weekends. Been on several holidays abroad. Been to concerts, meals out, events etc. I know his family well. I have sometimes tried to get away from him and have had sex with other guys. I've always told him but he doesn't care at all. I would be devastated if he had (double standards I know)

 

During this time he has continued to tell me he doesn't love me or want me. At his mother's birthday (he invited me) I tried to put my arm around him and he wouldn't let me. He wouldn't dance with me. His family asked me when he was going to make it official.

 

I had had too much wine so just burst into tears and had to go to the bathroom.

 

He just says we are best friends who have sex but for example when I got locked out of my house (lost keys) I asked him if I could go to his and he said no.

 

When I get jealous he tried to meet other girls (to my knowledge he hasn't as yet) he gets very angry and says that I have no right and I need to get over it or leave.

 

If I try to plan things in advance with him he says he can't commit that far in advance and would let me know.

 

Sometimes he can be sweet and we have so much in common. I see him every week, and j call him for hours.

 

He got kicked out of University and fired from one job. He also left another job and hasn't worked for a year or more. Hes pushed a lot of his friends away and I just don't know why hes fine it. Hes clever, talented and creative.

 

When I try to pull away he gets angry I'm acting out and says that we are friends hes never promised anything more so I can't act like this.

 

After ten years of this rollercoaster I am at my wit's end. Ive signed myself into therapy because I don't know why I CANT let this man go.

 

I know I should. But I can't and i dont know why. A tiny part of me thinks this is all a front ans he does love me very deep down and if I just try a little harder I'll get there.

 

Please help - I am getting older and see people settling down.

 

Some days I just weep. I feel so trapped. Why can't I sort myself out?

Edited November 18, 2017 by Arianacyna

[JimmyNYC]

One thing is for sure, his erratic behavior is consistent and will continue. So what does that tell you? Present behavior is indicative of future behavior. You want more of the same stay with him. You feed the rollercoaster. If you want a better, stable, permanent loving and caring relationship you need to move on to someone else. It sounds like that is what you want. He will never give you the relationship you need and desire. My advice is it's time to realize that and move on 100%. That requires going no contact with him. You have to be strong. You must go no contact with otherwise you will continue to fall in this trap. No friendship, no seeing each other 2 twice a year, no texing. Nothing. It's the only way to completely break from him.

[stillafool]

So you've wasted 10 years of your youth on a guy who has never thought enough of you to make you his girl. You will get over this when he has asked another girl to marry him and they move on with their life. I hope you won't grow bitter at the time and youth wasted over a man who never wanted you for more than a FWB.

[Whodatdog]

Look at yourself 5 years from now...10 years from now....is this where you will want to be? He has no feelings for you, no respect for you. You have no respect for YOURSELF. If you did, you would end this right now.

 

End it.

[chinadiary]

Please, use my example.

 

I've had three 10 year relationships. First 2 were violent with drink problems. Instead of leaving quickly I took s**t for years. Recent ex wasn't violent but was a commitment phobe who made promises and consistently forgot or broke them.

 

I'm now in my 50s. Alone and heartbroken.

 

Find a NICE guy and ditch the loser, or you're gonna end up like me.

[starrysweetstars]

Look at yourself 5 years from now...10 years from now....is this where you will want to be? He has no feelings for you, no respect for you. You have no respect for YOURSELF. If you did, you would end this right now.

 

End it.

 

So none of you guys think that deep down he feels something but he's a bit messed up and can't express it ?

[starrysweetstars]

Please, use my example.

 

I've had three 10 year relationships. First 2 were violent with drink problems. Instead of leaving quickly I took s**t for years. Recent ex wasn't violent but was a commitment phobe who made promises and consistently forgot or broke them.

 

I'm now in my 50s. Alone and heartbroken.

 

Find a NICE guy and ditch the loser, or you're gonna end up like me.

 

It's no reflection on you - when you love someone you want to help them. But I know what you mean.

[chinadiary]

So none of you guys think that deep down he feels something but he's a bit messed up and can't express it ?

 

 

 

Quite possibly. And my recent ex did love me, but being with him meant my needs were never met. I wasted 10 good years on him, when I could have been finding someone to grow old with.

 

You're wasting time on him. Women have a sell by date that is a lot earlier than a mans. You don't have that much longer before you've wasted your good years on someone that will never reciprocate.

[Arianacyna]

I don't know how to end this....

 

I sort of want to explain myself and get closirem but I imagine you would all say just start ignoring him?

 

I don't think he has any idea of all the pain he has caused.

[Arianacyna]

Quite possibly. And my recent ex did love me, but being with him meant my needs were never met. I wasted 10 good years on him, when I could have been finding someone to grow old with.

 

You're wasting time on him. Women have a sell by date that is a lot earlier than a mans. You don't have that much longer before you've wasted your good years on someone that will never reciprocate.

 

 

I've just been waiting on this. Hes got lots of issues obviously with his inability to keep a job and being kicked out of uni and cheating on his girlfriend ...

 

He says he wants to meet another girl but he hasn't actually done this in the five or six years since leaving university.

[HumanMachine]

I've just been waiting on this. Hes got lots of issues obviously with his inability to keep a job and being kicked out of uni and cheating on his girlfriend ...

 

He says he wants to meet another girl but he hasn't actually done this in the five or six years since leaving university.

 

So you’re essentially waiting for him to find somebody else. Whatever floats your boat I guess..

[Arianacyna]

So you’re essentially waiting for him to find somebody else. Whatever floats your boat I guess..

 

Well no I mean... He has said he wants to meet someone else/he doesn't want me. But his actions... He hasnt gone out with anyone, hasn't dated anyone and hasn't had sex with anyone else :/ so I just thought he might feel something for me deep down.

 

But maybe.... Not from the results on this thread

 

I guess I was asking if this was a possibility/what people thought so thanks for honesty I guess

[usa1ah]

I don't know how to end this....

 

I sort of want to explain myself and get closirem but I imagine you would all say just start ignoring him?

 

I don't think he has any idea of all the pain he has caused.

 

I don’t think he even cares that he has caused you pain.

[chinadiary]

I don't know either I'm afraid. I am awful at ending relationships too.

 

Looking back,it is SO clear when I should have walked. You would not believe my stupidity with my recent ex. The chances he had and failed to make good on.

 

Is moving away a possibility? It makes contact hard, and if you think he won't take the initiative to be with you, it might work. It's what I've had to resort to.

[Arianacyna]

I don’t think he even cares that he has caused you pain.

 

Really? Even though we've been doing this on and off for ten years? He can't feel nothing... or enjoy it - can he?

[Arianacyna]

I don't know either I'm afraid. I am awful at ending relationships too.

 

Looking back,it is SO clear when I should have walked. You would not believe my stupidity with my recent ex. The chances he had and failed to make good on.

 

 

Is moving away a possibility? It makes contact hard, and if you think he won't take the initiative to be with you, it might work. It's what I've had to resort to.

 

Well I rent my own place and I have a job I love here- a good set of friends, my family etc. I can't blame him at all because I do need to be stronger but I cannot break away and it's almost like he won't let me.

[chinadiary]

Really? Even though we've been doing this on and off for ten years? He can't feel nothing... or enjoy it - can he?

 

Probably not enjoy it. But he will be in total denial about what he's doing, for sure. No one likes to accept they're an *******. My ex still refuses to accept any blame for all of his broken promises. He refuses to remember them so he doesn't have to see how wrong he was. Convenient.

[chinadiary]

Well I rent my own place and I have a job I love here- a good set of friends, my family etc. I can't blame him at all because I do need to be stronger but I cannot break away and it's almost like he won't let me.

 

 

Because his needs, to some extent, are being met.

 

You have to be able to prioritise your own happiness. How about some counselling? I'm considering it, to help me with the ending of my relationship.

[Arianacyna]

Probably not enjoy it. But he will be in total denial about what he's doing, for sure. No one likes to accept they're an *******. My ex still refuses to accept any blame for all of his broken promises. He refuses to remember them so he doesn't have to see how wrong he was. Convenient.

 

Sounds like we are/were in similar situations. How did you finally summon up the courage to leave? How did you go about it?

[chinadiary]

I'm still trying. It's been dragging to a messy end for months. I'm still sending pathetic messages. He still loves me but won't change.

 

I moved away. It's good because I'm not seeing him, but I'm still in a big mess. It's heartbreaking, isn't it?

 

I've been thinking about counselling for a week or so. But my salary isn't as high where I am now, which makes the additional expense hard.

 

Please don't be where I am, when you get to my age (50). What a bloody waste of a life.

[salparadise]

He sounds like the classic emotionally unavailable man to me. He is non-functioning emotionally. The fact that he's been using you for sex and hasn't dated others, yet has not developed feelings for you is pretty strong evidence. You said he chased you for two years, but then didn't want you once he caught you shows that he only wants what he can't have. He probably doesn't have the ability to be other-focused. It could be narcissism, but there isn't enough to posit that theory. He just doesn't feel.

 

As for why you can't quit and move on... continuing to sex him all the time is a big part of it. Sex keeps normal people attached and causes us to fall in love. Wanting what you can't have may also be a factor for you. And there's the pain, which causes a kind of trauma, similar to PTSD, that keeps us stuck.

 

I think your only hope is to fully integrate the realizatoin that this isn't healthy for you, and that you're wasting your life one day at a time with this guy. You need to get away from him, and for God's sake quit sleeping with him! You need to become even more indifferent about him than he is about you. Have you considered moving away and getting a fresh start? Ten years is a long time! You don't want to waste another ten years. You have to do something proactively to reagin your independence, focus on making a life, and finding a man who can love wholeheartedly.

 

I know you probably realize most of this. It's easier to say than do. What does your therapist have to say about it?

[Arianacyna]

He sounds like the classic emotionally unavailable man to me. He is non-functioning emotionally. The fact that he's been using you for sex and hasn't dated others, yet has not developed feelings for you is pretty strong evidence. You said he chased you for two years, but then didn't want you once he caught you shows that he only wants what he can't have. He probably doesn't have the ability to be other-focused. It could be narcissism, but there isn't enough to posit that theory. He just doesn't feel.

 

As for why you can't quit and move on... continuing to sex him all the time is a big part of it. Sex keeps normal people attached and causes us to fall in love. Wanting what you can't have may also be a factor for you. And there's the pain, which causes a kind of trauma, similar to PTSD, that keeps us stuck.

 

I think your only hope is to fully integrate the realizatoin that this isn't healthy for you, and that you're wasting your life one day at a time with this guy. You need to get away from him, and for God's sake quit sleeping with him! You need to become even more indifferent about him than he is about you. Have you considered moving away and getting a fresh start? Ten years is a long time! You don't want to waste another ten years. You have to do something proactively to reagin your independence, focus on making a life, and finding a man who can love wholeheartedly.

 

I know you probably realize most of this. It's easier to say than do. What does your therapist have to say about it?

 

 

Wow what a detailed reply, thank you so much for this.

I have only just started with her so onky two sessions .

 

Initially she was confused as I said I go on regular holidays, meals, family events etc - she couldn't really grasp what was going on.

But during the second session she did say it sounds as though I'm looking for the same feeling I had as a child (parents divorced etc)

 

And during my timeline of life the older I got the more events were focussed around him and ive lost my way a bit. She agrees he has commitment issues-

 

Like he got kicked out of uni for not turning up . He is clever and very talented so he could have passed no problem. And he hasn't learnt to drive I believe because if he doesn't try ...he can't fail .

 

May be the same with relationships for him i dont know. This is why I felt like deep down he feels something for me he just can't..

Show it. But then maybe I'm just kidding myself so I can just stick around a bit longer.

 

The men I have met or gone on dates with have treated me like human crap as well so I just go back to him as a comfort blanket in a way.

 

I want to understand why I can't get past this. I see my friends settling down, having kids and getting marriedm.

 

I want all of this I really do and yet im acting completely at odds with what I say I want.

[usa1ah]

Hun, I hope you learn how to let him go.

 

Then I hope you find someone that will show you what true love and happiness really feels like.

 

There are some real men out there that are looking for someone just like you.

 

Yes you need to stop all contact with him.

 

You need to block any means he has to contact you.

 

If he notices that you have gone no contact, just ignore what he says or does. I don’t believe he is capable of loving you by what you have posted. You have wasted enough time with someone that can’t or won’t return your affection.

[Captivating]

I think the problem is that you did not establish boundaries/ standards to go by in a relationship. Make sure that you communicate this clearly up front with the boys you start dating in the future. Perhaps, he does not "respect" you because you don't seem to respect yourself. You should have put your foot down right when he started to chat with girls online and make it clear that it is not acceptable.

 

After that ... he could do whatever, I mean WHATEVER and you were fine with it. WHY ?

He is a user and manipulator. Not a catch by any means !!!! Is he a narcissist?

Drop his ass !

 

Do not put up with this ! In his eyes you might be EASY .. I know you are a loving girl, but have self-respect, do not let anybody use you as a doormat. The way you think of yourself has a lot to o how others treat you, so dig in and self reflect !!!!

 

Please find a man who treats you right with respect. Do not settle for anything less than that ! OK ?? You deserve it, don't you ?? HUGS !!!

Edited November 18, 2017 by Captivating

[Arianacyna]

Hi

Hun, I hope you learn how to let him go.

 

Then I hope you find someone that will show you what true love and happiness really feels like.

 

There are some real men out there that are looking for someone just like you.

 

Yes you need to stop all contact with him.

 

You need to block any means he has to contact you.

 

If he notices that you have gone no contact, just ignore what he says or does. I don’t believe he is capable of loving you by what you have posted. You have wasted enough time with someone that can’t or won’t return your affection.

 

What just drop him after ten years with no explanation?

See hes not all bad he has helped me out as a friend before. Hes lent me money, I've called him when I'm having a bad day etc... I don't know.

 

I just feel like wrenching myself away would be a bit mean but also really hard? Coz over the ten years he has sometimes been there.

 

Actually even writing this now it sounds ridiculous...

 

Although with him trying to or dating other girls...Well he he has said he's told me so many times he doesn't love me or want me and that this is FWB so I can't get angry or jealous or upset. And I have slept with some guys (hardly though) in the ten years and he doesn't get upset about that...so I can't either -_-'