Peaches90 Posted November 18, 2017 Posted November 18, 2017 Everyday since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend - three weeks ago - I come to this website and want to write about it. And then stop myself because I’m desperately trying to find an answer by myself. But how can I do that when every night all my dreams are about him, telling me how sorry he is and how he doesn’t understand how this happened. I feel like I can’t go on with my life and I can’t focus on anything. I just can’t make sense of anything. So here it goes... We met in the summer. My friend set me up on a date with him. It was at a party and we hit it off instantly. We then went on a second date after a few days and continued seeing each other almost everyday. We would often spend the night at my place and me at his. I got to meet the parents soon and everybody seemed very content with the situation. I never thought things would go so damn well and I would always tell my friends „It’s too good to be true. Something is gonna happen”. I didn’t take things seriously at the beggining and probably neither did him. It went on like this for about maybe 2 more months. He was supposed to go to college in the south (I have to mention that I’m a foreigner in his country) and I didn’t really know what to do about it. But after some discussions we agreed we would like to keep on seeing each other. I kind of panicked at some point after that and told him I’m not sure if I wanna do this (I’m 28 and divorced already, suffered a lot of trauma with my abusive ex-boyfriends; he’s only 20) because I don’t know if it’s a good idea, my plan was to leave his country after one year anyway. I almost broke up with him because I was afraid of getting hurt like I always have but he had this moment of openess and told me he really wants us to be together. I tried breaking up with him before and because I made it clear I was upset and didn’t want to have contact with him for a while, he came to my house after 2 days, telling me he couldnt stay away any longer, he had to see how I was. I was impressed. It showed how much he cared and he was willing to fight for us. To make the story shorter, on my way south, when I was moving to his city to be together, I was in a car accident. Even thogh the car was totalled, I was really lucky nothing very serious happened. My boyfriend was then very distant. He would not text me, only reply to my texts very late or the next day. Always making excuses that he has to study for exams or he’s been busy. In 3 weeks I only saw him once and he had a really good time (at least he pretended to). As you can imagine, I was all alone in a new city with no friends or family, no one to talk to, unable to work for at least 3 months so no job either. Everyday going to and from hospitals and lawyers with absolutely no support from anyone. I decided to see what happens if I don’t text my boyfriend. One day passes, 3 days, one week, nothing! I thought I was gonna lose it but I was already sick of reaching out. I came to a point where I felt embarassed to call him. After almost 2 weeks I decided to confront him and told him we need to talk. He knew exactly what I was about to say. He barely spoke two words but he told me he has a really hard time connecting with people. He suffers from depression and anxiety. He told me he freaked out. That he didn’t want to tell me about it because he was afraid. And that he hoped things would turn around. He said he lost interest but that he always loses interest for everything. I tried to understand so I asked many questions and he kept saying I did nothing wrong. He said his mind is hazy. I understand completely, I had severe clinical depression a long time ago. But I can’t find any logic in ignoring your girlfriend like that. This is not about the relationship. It’s about being human. He didn’t bother to check if I’ still alive in nearly 2 weeks. I can’t get over that. I made huge efforts just to rent a place there. I just can’t forgive him. This is my problem. I feel like I’m torn between understanding that he’s having a hard time and ...not forgiving him. I don’t want to carry this with me, it feels like a burden. I want to forgive him but I feel like I can’t. Like I don’t get it. Can depression make you act out like that? I would never do such a thing. But then again, I’m not him. In the end, I broke up with him because I cannot let him treat me like this. He didn’t have enought respect to talk to me about it, instead he left me hanging. And now it’s all gone like it’s nothing. I remember his face as I was ending things with him. How he kept saying he’s sorry and he should have let me go. He probably didn’t expect me to break up. I don’t know. He knew how hard all of this is for me... I just don’t get it. I had to go back to my home country for medical recovery. My life kinda turned around just because he asked me to move there for him. And he doesn’t even know about it. Sometimes I miss him so much and then I rember how I cried hours everyday for a few weeks. What just happened? I’m afraid I’ll fall into depression again and I don’t know what to do. I can’t go there again.
Author Peaches90 Posted November 19, 2017 Author Posted November 19, 2017 Wow. Just wow. I poured my heart out to a forum with thousands of readers in the hope that I'll get a "Hey, hang on in there" or "Everything will be alright", you know, just a little something, anything. I mean, my post is probably the only one with 0 replies. This is why people get depressed. This is why people kill themselves.
HumanMachine Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 He’s just started at a new college.. college has lots of females.. he wants to be single.
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