BeeT Posted November 18, 2017 Posted November 18, 2017 On Tuesday morning I confronted my boyfriend and said he had been distant and he responded by calling me. He told me he is not in a good place right now, needs professional help. It also transpired that he had lied to me about taking drugs recreationally, when he said he hadn't. He said he was no good for me, but refused to break up with me. Both of us cried on the phone, he said he'd always loved me. In the end I simply told him to fix himself and then come back to me, and he promised he would. I hung up. On wednesday I texted him saying 'let's get coffee sometime.' I left it open, I knew he would not reply but wanted him to know I was open to meeting whenever he had started recovering. I was not expecting a reply but he replied almost immediately, saying that he was going to fix himself and then come back to the only person he loved. He didn't know how long that would take and didn't expect me to wait but he said he'd be there when he was better. Thursday afternoon he texted me asking to meet. We met in starbucks. I kept my poker face and my emotions in check. He said he had not slept since Tuesday. He said he'd made appointments to see the doctor and gone to class today (first time in weeks). I told him I was angry for being lied to, I would need time to work through having my trust broken. I told him I cannot date someone who does drugs. I said choose drugs or me, and told him to contact me when he'd sorted his act out. Then maybe if I wasn't still single we could try again, but I made no promises. I walked out of starbucks and left him. An hour later he texted me asking to meet, saying he'd made up his mind about what he would do. He said he'd see two different doctors, one for counselling, one to get medication to help him sleep and antidepressants to help function. He said he was going to come off of drugs. But he also said he loved me to pieces and could not do this without me. He said he'd never find someone who loved him like I did again. I agreed to help him, but only as a friend, I said i needed time to rebuild trust and we could not start over again until he had started recovering and getting better. I said if there was any hope for us then we'd have to start all over again because everything before was based on a lie. Yesterday he texted me asking me if I was around, I said I was home. In a moment of weakness I asked him to come to mine, because I was upset and desperately wanted comforting. This was a mistake. He came over. He said he'd been to the doctor and got sleeping medication and that the doctor also wanted to prescribe antidepressants. If he took MDMA or drugs with these he would likely die, so the doctor said he had to be put on a programme first (I presume to ensure he doesn't take drugs again). He said the doctor looked worried, he said he wasn't sure if he could get better and that he wanted to die. I got very upset, I was upset at being lied to, upset I still loved him despite all this. He said he'd never lie to me again, he said we should try again after we both recovered from this. However towards the end he went back to what he was saying on Tuesday and said that I should not have him in my life, that I should not want him. I told him to just end it then, and told him he'd never see me again. He said he thought I should end it, I said I did not want to. I asked him what he wanted and he simply said 'to die' and left. I texted him after saying I would not ask to see him again and would only see him if he asked. He said the best thing is for him to be far away from me, but that he was ****ed and was not in a right state of mind to make that judgement. I told him I wanted to help, I wanted to be there, but if he never wanted to see me again I'd leave forever. He said it is up to me. I said we cannot be boyfriend and girlfriend right now, I said I would be there for him if he wanted, but that I needed time to heal and he needed to recover and sort his life out. I said maybe we could try again then. He did not reply. I sent him one final text this morning, saying I would only meet him again in public and not in either one of our homes, that I wanted to help and that I would not text him again now until he contacted me. I was not expecting a reply to this, and he has not replied. But I wanted to say it, because everyone else has abandoned him and I cannot do that. I don't want him to die and I want him to get better, but I cannot be with him the way he is now and when I am feeling betrayed like I am now. I am not going to text him again now until he gets in touch asking to meet. If he sends a 'how are you' text I will likely not reply. Thank you if you read any of that. If anyone reading has been in a similar situation, or has any advice I'd appreciate it. Don't give me a 'just drop him', because I cannot do that to him just now in such a vulnerable place. When we were happy together everything was good, and he is a wonderful person. I get the feeling this is only temporary, and I believe that with all my heart, but I know a relationship cannot work right now, and I have accepted that. Once time has passed we could try again- we have both said this. Just yesterday he begged to still be with me. When he contacts me again (and I know he will), what should I do?
HumanMachine Posted November 18, 2017 Posted November 18, 2017 I think you’re being selfish. This guy needs help and support, not to be messed around. Either stand by him and support him through this tough period or leave him alone for good so he can heal on his own. 1
Author BeeT Posted November 18, 2017 Author Posted November 18, 2017 But I told him I wanted to help him and he has not replied to me. Yesterday he asked me to help and I said I would...seeing me get upset must've taken its toll
HumanMachine Posted November 18, 2017 Posted November 18, 2017 But I told him I wanted to help him and he has not replied to me. Yesterday he asked me to help and I said I would...seeing me get upset must've taken its toll You said you would help him as a friend right now. Can you imagine the thoughts that put into his head? He loves you and wants to change, and has even admitted to needing help and all you can do is be there as a friend? You need to say you’ll get back with him and work together through this or walk away completely, no friends.. it won’t do him any favours. 1
alterest Posted November 18, 2017 Posted November 18, 2017 Look, your ex already have so much preassure on him and you keep putting him in stressful situations like your ultimatum. Don't do that... Addiction is pretty hard and evolves too much of our mental health. If you want to support, offer your support and let him decide if he want it or not. You can keep your communication with him, as long as you don't hurt yourself or him, but take that in a soft way. I know it's hard that kind of thing but you have to know that it take a long time until his recover... Maybe months, maybe years. You don't have to wait for him, but if you choose to wait you need to have patience and you have to know that you two may not end together. And that friend thing only work after long time since BU occurs. You only keep as "friend" if you want to help him, but you should let him know that you have interest in him. Offer your help, say that you want to cross through this trouble with him and leave the guy alone. If he reach you, you talk, if you want to reach him do it but if he act like a rude/cold person don't take it personal, he is crossing a terrible path. If you think that you have no mental health to do that, just go into full NC and move on. But stop to put pressure on him.
manfrombelow2 Posted November 18, 2017 Posted November 18, 2017 BeeT, I understand every bit of your feeling right now, and no I am not going to tell you to "drop him". I am only telling you to calm down, give yourself and himself the time and space you both need. Yes, basically just do the No Contact thing. I am myself also going through a very hard and fresh breakup now, that's why I am here. But I told him I wanted to help him and he has not replied to me. Yesterday he asked me to help and I said I would...seeing me get upset must've taken its toll
Author BeeT Posted November 18, 2017 Author Posted November 18, 2017 I sent him so many messages today, saying I'm there for him, I'll see him, I love him, I will be his girlfriend and work through with this. I told him if he didn't want me I'd respect that and take it as goodbye and would not see him again in the last message I sent. He read all of them and didn't reply to any... I guess he does not want me. So I must respect his wishes and leave him alone. Going full nc, haven't blocked but I want to. I guess he just doesn't want me. Things were never going to get better between us anyway and now his silence just confirms that thighs never will.
manfrombelow2 Posted November 18, 2017 Posted November 18, 2017 You did all you could, and now, listen to me, you should stop. Apart from his issues (if there were really any), you should understand that when a person wants to stop with his/her partner, he/she could use all the reasons/excuses in the world. For now, just stop all contacts with him, this is the only thing that's good for the both of you, for now. I sent him so many messages today, saying I'm there for him, I'll see him, I love him, I will be his girlfriend and work through with this. I told him if he didn't want me I'd respect that and take it as goodbye and would not see him again in the last message I sent. He read all of them and didn't reply to any... I guess he does not want me. So I must respect his wishes and leave him alone. Going full nc, haven't blocked but I want to. I guess he just doesn't want me. Things were never going to get better between us anyway and now his silence just confirms that thighs never will.
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