Jdoublenn Posted November 17, 2017 Posted November 17, 2017 Because i finally had the juevos to do it AND it was MY decision, finally. This is kinda long, TIA for the read. I left "T" in Ohio about a month ago. Since then our "dynamic" has been so different--much differnt than out relationship where he was just a mean drunk but would do ANYTHING for me and was the perfect gentleman/boyfriend when he was sober.. Since I got to Ohio, things were just different overall. And since I left, weve still been talking on and off but he's super disrespectful when he's upset about something, and pulls a 180 and is super sweet and great when he wants to be. It's been back and forth this whole months, but these past two weeks the "moods swings", we'll call them, are must more extreme.. as in, only a few days apart. Some recent (summarized) convos to let you know how it goes. T: I wish you never left. I miss you so much ,Id do anything to get you back, please come back. Im so sorry Me: I miss you so much too but it got too sour too quick, i had to go.(insert my explanations of specifics) week later.. T: (drunk, emotional) I cant do this anymore. Were never going to change and we should just stop trying. I dont know what else to do but we just keep fighting everytime we're together and i dont want to do it anymore. Me: So you want to stop talking? --He says no Couple days later... T: I miss you. Im so sorry I'm just lost right now and keep thinking about everything. I don"t want to move on I just want you. Me: So lets start working on our issues. No more fighting. Few days/week later.. T: (drunk and mad about me being out with my friends that night--remember, we're single.. should be noted i don't want to move on or hookup with anyone, but im social and just moved back and i WILL go hang out with friends) "You do this and this and this and never did this and this and this with me! Go get drunk with your friends I don't give a F*CK. You dont want to talk when you're drunk but ill always drop everything to answer your calls.(LIES ON BOTH ENDS) But this is just like you always do blah blah blah.." *Cue* long rant about how awful i am and how everything is my fault because (essentially) I'm too social and wanted to go out and meet/ hang out with people -*with him*- when we were together. "I dont know why were even doing this." He says after our argument. --Arguments are essentially him going off and me just defending everything he says about me because its not even the truth. He exaggerates everything to make me sound so awful, when all i want to do is have a decent convo and talk it out. Next day.. T: Im so sorry i don't know why i did that, I'm just so stressed about everything.. Me: You know what, this has been hard on both of us but i'm tired of letting your drunk anger beat me down. You're so disrespectful and you don't even realize it anymore. I think we need to take some time apart.. im just so tired of all this . T: *throws bit*h fit bc he's hurt and angry...again, rude and disrespectful, and because *I* was the one to out on the breaks *attempting* to make a point and get his attention--didn't work of course. Few days later he starts texting and I reply.. we get on good terms again and he says he's going to work on trying to not get so angry. In this convo he-literal words- texts me "I want you back" and i say i do too.. he asks "really" and i say of course. (But still no plans of us being "together") of course, which will come in later.. Anddd as I'm sure everyone has already guessed... blah blah more dumb s*it happens when he gets sh*tty or drunk, or both, that i let go to far. He's nasty and mean and says just about anything to hurt me. I figure its the last I'm going to hear from him after this convo, for at least a few days (we haven't had silence for more than a day at a time in any of this) My Xanax kicks in after this fight and i just feel so sad, so I write this to him..(even after the awful stuff he says, i sleep better if we don't end on awful terms. Being upset stresses me out and gives me even worse anxiety...) So, several hours after our bad fight Me: "We had a lot of love between us. I know I'm stupid for even thinking this but I hope God brings us back together someday. When we're both older, wiser, and have lived life a bit more. When we're both ready for "forever" and everything it entails. Every ounce of my body knows my heart is betraying common sense here by even talking to you at this point. But sleep well. Hope tomorrow isn't too rough on you with lack of sleep. I truly hope we are both happy one day, no matter where we end up. I'll always miss you." Next day he says he appreciated the message and will always love me too. He starts small talk to which i'm weary of, but true to form, get along again. We had a long phone call where he apologizes for everything and says he cant see past me, only wants me, and wants to work things out. As in, actually do work to learn how we can communicate better. I get all excited(its almost 3am at night and cant sleep so I start looking up stuff online, marriage tips and therapy tips like that, which discuss learning how to communicate in difficult relationships and avoid fighting by learning to step back and see the other persons side, etc. I send it to him the next morning and we have a good talk. I reassure him for the MILLIONTH time, I know we are nowhere near ready to be back together, but we've been best friends for so long and don't know how to be without each either, so this might be a good start. I tell him if were still going to be talking so much, we need to work on our "friendship" (the word relationship sets the wrong tone i think) And since he's told me several times he's afraid to jump back in, I am sure to point out several times in out talks, the fact that this is NOT a relationship we're trying to rush to make work, just communication between us in this situation. Im nowhere near about to move across the country again for him anytime soon, and we have too much to work on to even think about that... Not until we do a LOT of mending and working on us first. I add to this convo, "but i have one requirement" he asks "what" and i send: "No more disrespect, no more taking me for granted. I will agree to stop my part in our arguments. Because from what I’ve been reading the two-way argument is as much my fault for responding and defending myself as it is the person who starts it... I’ve been reading a lot... but I think if we make this work(no rush) at any point in the future I will be upfront right now that I will no longer be available to be treated in a way that I find unfair. I love you but I have to do whats best for me, so next time the “end fight” will actually be the end. So lets both be mature and love each other in a healthy way from now on. sorry thats a lot, my mind is just racing. I miss you so much and its been too long .. So if I do anything to upset you, we need to have a talk about it so I can fix it. But no more mean conversations where you lash out .. please Not saying we need to rush to “work things out” either... just that, if we are going to continue to talk and say babe and love you, we are starting fresh today. The past is no longer a factor you get to throw in my face when youre angry. The past is JUST lessons learned.." I know... long message right? He says okay and we continue as normal.. talking everyday but not super often since he works 12 hrs a day and barely has service.. Two days later from him: "Ive been thinking about everything and i think we just need to be single and think about us. I love you so much but i just need to focus on me and my job right now. I don't know what else to say. But ill call you later and we can talk." I replied "ok" He calls me later and I'm pretty defensive and short with him right off the bat... Like "idk about YOU, but ive been since i left ohio. Im not trying to rush back into a relationship as ive said a million times. but im not about to go back and forth with you overthinking and putting words in my mouth." (he claims he thought i wanted to be together again, like now) . What? Its like he stresses out at work and then freaks about everything and its easiest to just push me away--now that he found the power to. So he barely talks this whole convo because half of me is annoyed he's pulling this BS again, but also making a point that his making sh*t up in his head and I've said none of these things. I just wanted a healthy "friendship" of sorts since we were talking everyday. And since he keeps coming back even when he slams on the breaks and acts like he's done. He ends the call saying hes gonna shower and he'll call me later. I texted him: "We can talk tomorrow sometime. I'll give you space to just chill today. Have a good night." Next day I try to make light convo for a few messages and he's acting weird so i just quit. Didn't hear from him that night at all. Or most of the next day. So this is where i put my foot down and send: "I'm done playing this "only around when you want game. I'm done with the back and forth of you overthinking sh*t that I've never even said. I'm just done and it's time for me to move on. Don't text me anymore and don't text back. I need space to truly move on and that starts now. Ttyl" He texts back of course and gets all shi**y immediately, super sh*tty that i was hanging out with friends when i "dont even have a job yet" blah blah blah. I feed into it for a message or two (defending myself) and then just stop. 2 days later he texts me checking in. He found out I had some chest pains and went to the ER.(saw on snapchat) So he wanted to check in on me, and then he sent me one of the most sincere at apologies. One, tbh, I haven't heard in a LONG while from him. T: "You don’t have to reply back but just know I️ always loved you and still do. I️ wish we could be happy together like you were talking about. I️ think about you everyday and every morning I️ click on your name to text you. But I️ guess I️ couldn’t do it. I️ really do wish we could work things out. But I’m sure your done with me. And I’m sorry about everything. The past few days I’ve said some awful things to you. And shouldn’t have I’m truly sorry. And you shouldn’t forgive me. I’m just f-cked up cause I’ve lost you and don’t know what to do." I reply: "It's hard. It's getting harder and harder to forgive you, tbh.. And this is me being honest. And there's things I've done that you haven't been able to accept or move past so you get angry and throw it all in my face and you don't think about how much that hurts me. Yes I dealt with it and yes I let it go,. Then I try and stand up for myself, only to let you do it again. So I think we just need space. I won't be moving on anytime soon and don't want to try, but I can't be "anything" to you--friend, gf, wife--until you learn how to talk and respect me. And I've realized lately you're hurting and stressed and you're not ready to work on yourself. I've been working on myself for a long time now, and tried to start working on us, but I can't make you do your part. So until you're ready, I just can't be pulled back and forth anymore. Just know I feel the exact same way about you. I think of you all day long. I wish I got the texts you think about sending. But I know the texts eventually lead to you being mean and I just can't let myself be beat down anymore. So let's keep on this break. Not like before, But an actual one. And if/when you decide you're ready to try, start working on yourself. Maybe find a therapist who works after hours. An hour a week won't kill you, and I promise you'll learn so much. Or just talk to someone. Ashley or whoever, while you're still in Ohio. Be HONEST about your feelings bc you know she won't judge you. Get some insight and try to start thinking about your future. But until you are TRULY ready for me, and to work on our communication and issues, whether for friendship or more later on, I have to be the strong one and walk away. It kills me everyday and I barely had the balls to say it the other morning... but I have to stick to it. As much as I would love to hear from you... you aren't ready and I finally admitted it to myself. And maybe you never will be ready for me, but I can't make you do any of these things that *I* need to be happy with US again. So here's my piece. Please know I love you so much. But I have to love myself more, and respect myself if someone else can't..." So i acted strong, and have stuck to it, but it SUCKS. i want to be with him, point blank. If he proposed to me(which he discussed many times in the past but I didn't feel we were stable enough in our relationship to take that next step), I'd accept for sure. But it was so toxic back then... and now in a differnt way, again. So I know I just need to cut it off and try to move on. Maybe God has different plans; maybe we'll find ourselves back together one day, but sticking around for all this BS isn't healthy for me or fair to either of us. So i can finally say. I did it and I'm sticking to it. I guess its not "true" NC because he texted me today to check on me (i have Costochronditis and got a chest xray today). But i kept it short and sweet and was nothing more than platonic with him (even though my stupid heart wanted to hear his voice, talk, see his nice side a few more days. I know it wont last and Im wasting my time letting it continue.) I've never been this strong in my life. All the guys I fell for in the past ended up leaving ME, high and dry of course, so i had no choice but to cope and move on. But I want to be strong here, even though the feelings are still 100% there. He was my best friend and SO good to me for so long. We pretty much lived together our whole relationship because he moved in with me at like the first month. SO im learning to be myself again! I wont hole up at home and wait for life to get better. Im getting out, seeing friends, meeting people. But as many of you know, even with NC, you just cant seem to get them out of your head. Sorry for the long story friends.. Writing all my thoughts out has always been my therapy of sorts , so it definitely comes out on this forum!! Anyone else in my shoes right now? You love them and you want it to work, but you're strong enough to realize that you need to take a break from it all and really heal, or nothing will ever really change.
NopeNah Posted November 17, 2017 Posted November 17, 2017 Yep..I've been there,except mine has 'moved on' fast. Common theme between our situations; ALCOHOL. Your,ex,my ex have drinking problems. They hate themselves and blame everyone else for their problems. If I were you I'd stay away for a year and see where he's at.. By no means wait on him for a year,get to living a life without him,but watch from afar(If you want). He will go down further with his drinking. Take care of your health and go NC for at least a few months,so you can heal more. Let him know that's what you're doing if you want..But all of the back/fourth texts are just circular conversation and false promises(manipulation). 1
OptimismHopeTrust Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 This is hard. It is a cycle that may keep going round and round. Drinking can be a downward spiral. It is hard to be in a healthy relationship with someone who has struggles with alcohol. Before there can be a healthy relationship, there has to be sobriety. This is just truth. If you read your post from the beginning, consider what you would say to someone if they wrote what you wrote. The answers are in your heart, you just need to listen. It is hard to move away from this when you care deeply for someone. You have found the strength to be on your own right now. Stay strong! You may need to spend time with just YOU so that you can heal and be restored. You are also giving him a gift because he needs to face the reality of his challenges and make a decision about how he wants to live his life. He is not capable of being in a healthy relationship right now because he has to deal with his own issues. Don't be hard on yourself. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Look in the mirror and know that the person looking back deserves love and respect. You should not have to live each day wondering if it will be a good day or a bad day. This is not what a relationship is all about. You should feel loved, respected and cherished. Don't compromise. Stay strong! I wish you well. 1
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