Seeing an ex at events during No Contact. How to handle it if you want them back?

[whatnowdumpee]

TLDR - My GIGS* ex (25M) and I (23F) broke up just over two months ago. We have been NC for about a month and a half, except for the occasional message from him, which I have either ignored or sent a short reply. I want to date him again eventually, but I'm not sure what to do if we bump into each other this early on? How do you handle interactions with an ex when you have the same friends and are going to all the same events?

 

DETAILS BELOW

 

We were together for almost 2 years. He broke it off because he left a 5 year relationship to be with me, but felt anxious that he has never known what its like to be single or 'on his own'. He felt like he would be leading me on or come to resent me if we stayed together. Fair enough. Our relationship was very solid, open, and relaxed, we talked openly about his curiosity about being single. I have been single most of my early twenties, so the impulse isn’t there for me….. but he has never experienced the single-life himself, and since turning 25 has been quite anxious, (in maybe a slightly irrational way?) that he is somehow missing out on a formative experience.

 

We live in the same city, work in the same industry and have all the same friends, and there are lots of events coming up - birthdays, parties, work events - which we will both be attending, one of which is an album launch hosted by him. I haven't seen him at all these last couple of months, and I feel anxious about going. In one sense I know I should stay No Contact, but in another I feel like I will really regret not seeing his show because he worked so hard on it for almost a year, and a lot of the performances are about our relationship. It seems like a big mistake not to go just for the sake of NC, especially if i'm going to be seeing him at a party a few days earlier.

 

In some ways I want to prove to him and to myself that I am okay, that I'm not an emotional wreck. But I'm also worried that if I see him, especially in this context, that I will be left hoping for some kind of reconciliation, or at the very least quite nervous about how to act. I do really want to be in a relationship with him again at some point, but I also want him to take some time to realize being single isn't all its cracked up to be. It’s been almost 3 months since we’ve been apart. Right now it feels like whatever I decide to do is going to make a really big difference!

 

He has been partying and hanging out with friends a lot for the last couple of months. I always encouraged him to do those things, but he seems to be convincing himself / manufacturing a situation where hanging out with friends is something that happens in contrast to being in a relationship. Perhaps he is just surrounding herself with good vibes to recover from the breakup? Which is what I have also been doing.

 

Basic question is: should I go to show support? I want to see and support his work, but I don't want to look like the desperate ex while the spotlight is on him. He did invite me and my friends to the event on facebook, but i wonder if I don’t go that he will see it as a sign that I have no desire to see him. I have my own event coming up which he is coming to as well.... How should I handle future events where we are both there? I really want him back but I know he needs time, and so do I....

 

Thanks!

 

*GIGS is a contentious label but its a quick way to describe the situation.

Edited November 17, 2017 by whatnowdumpee

[HumanMachine]

You want him back but hardly respond when he reaches out to you? Am I missing something here?

[basil67]

As he's hosting the event, good manners would dictate that you are warm towards him but not TOO warm. Just as you will be when he attends the event you are hosting.

 

There's nothing in any of your story which leads me to believe he's coming back. By the sounds of things, he's out doing what he wants with who he wants, having a great time and not really missing you. During all this, he will likely find a new girl and move on. I really doubt that what you do at this event will make much of a difference.

[Jdoublenn]

Go. Have fun. Be polite but focus on your friends and a good time, rather than him.

[d0nnivain]

You are going about this all wrong.

 

1. If you want reconciliation you must communicate. NC is the worst thing you can do. NC is about healing & getting over somebody. By not talking you are telling the other person that you are done with the relationship. Wanting somebody back is not being done with the relationship

 

2. He wanted out to be single. Let me translate that for you: he is no longer into you. He doesn't really want to be single. He wants to be disentangled from you because your relationship was no longer working for him & he has his eye on somebody else.

 

3. If they are work events, you need to go & hold your head high. Because it will be work & you have to keep your emotions in check, don't drink. Walk around with either plain cranberry juice or ginger ale if you need it too look like you are indulging. Arrive on time decked to the nines. Work the room saying hello to whomever needs to see your face. Give the EX a tight fake smile & a cold greeting but just act like you haven't a care in the world, then leave early.

 

4. For friends social events, skip some of them in favor of making new friends. It's too soon for you to have to endure his presence. Make alternate plans with close pals.

 

5. Unfriend & unfollow him off all social media. You should not have even received this FB invitation & you should not attend.

[determineddumpee]

You want him back but hardly respond when he reaches out to you? Am I missing something here?

 

He messaged me at a time when he was sick and bedridden, about a month after we broke up. I assumed it was just breadcrumbs at the time, to see if I was still clinging to him... Most of the advice I have heard, people say to stay in no contact and be nice but brief. I wanted him to know I was doing well.

[determineddumpee]

You messed up. Move on.

Edited November 17, 2017 by determineddumpee

[d0nnivain]

Your view of NC -- allowing him to be single & miss you is an attempt to manipulate him. You think absence makes the heart grow fonder. It doesn't. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

He dumped you. Anything you do to try to get him back is you chasing him & devaluing yourself.

 

I'm serious. He doesn't want to be single. He wants a different relationship. I promise he has his eye on somebody. If he truly cared about you, he would still be with you. You are chasing false hope & holding on to a dream is preventing you from healing & moving on in your life. Until you accept that he's done & not coming back you won't heal.

 

Again if you have to see him for work, your best play is to look amazing, be aloof but polite & professional. Let him see you act like you haven't a care in the world. If anything will bring him back, that might but it's unlikely. Most likely he'll just think, good I didn't hurt her too badly so now I don't have to feel back about the break up. Even so you need to apply the "never let 'em see you sweat" philosophy.

 

As for social events, I wouldn't go. What are you really gonna do, sit there & watch him flirt with & leave with other women? Yuck.

 

Your best bet is to go off & live your life. Good luck.

[whatnowdumpee]

I think you're right. Thanks!

[Highndry]

I agree with everything d0nnivain said. He broke up with you and he is not interested. You, on the other hand, are pining away for him. You should not be going to the event by any means. You are so emotionally invested in him and the fantasy of getting back together that skipping it is clearly the best choice.

[Been]

Stay away from places you know he's going to be. Its just going to make you feel awkward.