Am I overthinking or is he pulling away?

[Highndry]

This guy sound like the most childish, insecure and fickle loser I've ever heard of. As a man, I would be absolutely appalled by my behavior if I engaged in any of that. Wow.

[olivetree]

Run away.

 

This guy has an avoidant attachment style:

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-29315/why-you-should-never-date-an-avoidant-what-that-actually-means.html

[heavenonearth]

Dear OP

I am sorry this happened to you. This guy sounds so freaking manipulative. After you went through all this back and forth with him, he kept blowing you off, and then gaslighted you into thinking it was all your fault.

 

Yes you were insecure. But he dealt with it like a freaking loser. And once the ball was in your court, he ran after you like a little baby.

I am honestly also appalled by his behavior.

 

You are good enough. And you will meet someone who will treat you wonderfully and with respect and Who will hear you out with all the emotions you may have.

 

This guy won’t ever make a woman happy. That’s for sure.

[Mkn1010]

Anyone anywhere who has ever dated someone with avoidant attachment style (including myself) is getting cringeworthy flashbacks right now!

 

You are so much better off without this mess!

[Mx12345]

I have never before heard of an avoidant attachment style before, but now it makes more sense. His ex-fiancé cheated on him and they broke up two years ago. I thought two years was enough time to move past something like that but I guess I was wrong.

 

 

Still keeping strong and thank you everyone for the replies.

[kendahke]

I know it was passive aggressive but I deleted him from all social media (FB, IG, SnapChat.)

 

First off, stop telling yourself this lie.

 

It's not passive aggressive to delete him from social media. It's called EMOTIONAL SELF PRESERVATION. When someone is playing you for a fool like he is, you don't keep giving them avenues to continually bring that mess to you by mislabeling what you're doing. You are being your own worst enemy and are the only person standing in your way as you try to move on.

 

You don't give a thief who has robbed you once the keys to your house, or leave the door unlocked. You are bending over backwards for someone who has proven time and time again that he doesn't deserve any more chances.

 

He also swore he didn't know why it was showing him as active on Match that he didn't even have a paid account. And that I obviously didn't trust him and it wasn't going to work out. It was a long conversation with lots of arguing. Towards the end I was even taking the blame for being insecure and asking if we could still work things out. He said no.

 

Can he sign into the account which has this conversation between him and this other friend of his? Then his account isn't inactive and it isn't deleted. They won't let you retrieve messages unless you're signed into an active account, so there's that.

 

Could he have been hacked and someone created a fake profile? Yeah, but if he can sign into the account, then he wasn't hacked--the whole point of hacking an account is to take control of it and that's done through a password.

 

Those grenades are still landing and blowing up in your lap. One day, you're going to get sick of it and will block him in all ways.

 

15 min before we are to meet (I'm already driving to the coffee place) he texts that he doesn't think its a good idea we meet. he cant get past the fact I'm back on Bumble (hes still on too) and that he doesn't think I'm genuine.

 

If he'd been on block to begin with, you wouldn't be dealing with this insult.

 

That night I go to the game a post a video on IG of the game. He texts me two min after I post the video "hope you had fun on your date tonight" We proceed to argue.

 

You are feeding this dysfunction just as much as he is--is this some game you're trying to win? What's the point? If he cared how he was treating you--if he ever cared, none of this would have gone down and this thread wouldn't be here.

 

Let him weep and wail for having his access cut off--that's no longer your business or your problem.

[kendahke]

Its now been four days. Emotionally I'm a mess. I cried this entire weekend. How could something that started so amazing turn so bad? Why wasn't I good enough for this guy? Why did he keep leading me on? Why did he reach out so much and tell me he missed me? What does he really feel for me? Did he ever really feel anything for me? How can someone who claims to be so religious be so manipulative? I'm 31, is this how its always going to be?

 

People treat you the way they feel about you. Period. Full stop.

[Mx12345]

I fully agree with you, and I normally can call myself a completely logical person. But this has thrown my emotional state for a loop recently. I did delete him from all social media to protect myself. I didn't want to see what he was doing. I thought it would be easier to move on if I didn't know constantly what he was up to. And I FULLY believe he was on Match and knew he was on Match and was probably even sending messages. If he didn't have a paid account and couldn't send and receive messages, he would not have been active as many times as my friend said he was. From the day she first saw him to last time I asked her to check (the course of three days) he was online 7/8 times.

 

 

 

 

At the time when he first returned I thought we could still talk out our issues and make it work, that's why I finally agreed to meet him at the coffee place. After he cancelled on me 15 minutes before we were supposed to meet I did a very good job of keeping him at bay. He reached out to me twice in seven days, but I didn't give in to him saying he missed me. And it was so hard.

 

 

I posted a video to my public IG. Just as I had other photos and videos throughout the week, just trying to live my life as I normally would. Yes, that night I did give in and argue with him. But its so hard when someone is flat out DENYING something you know is true. He SWEARS he was never on Match and not looking for other options so I'm the one who messed things up for us. Its SO FRUSTRATING to have the blame placed on you.

 

 

Yes, I was insecure about things but not until AFTER he started acting distant and then my friend found him on Match. For the six weeks prior we had no issues because I didn't feel I had anything to worry about.

 

 

Its so easy for someone to tell you to break off all contact and move on. And I know I will get past this, Ive gotten past way worse. But it takes time and currently its still fresh and it still hurts that I trusted him.

[kendahke]

But its so hard when someone is flat out DENYING something you know is true.

 

that's called "gaslighting". It's a manipulation tactic to make someone feel as if they are wrong when they aren't.

 

He SWEARS he was never on Match and not looking for other options so I'm the one who messed things up for us. Its SO FRUSTRATING to have the blame placed on you.

 

So, ok--he wasn't on match. He DID start distancing himself without explanation before he went on his little vacation, he DID stand you up 15 minutes before he was supposed to meet you for coffee, he DID shine you on about that sports event and he DID stand you up before your holiday party and being on match had nothing to do with any of that.

 

He did a good enough job on his own to mess up things between you two. He was successful in getting you to chuck your dignity and grace in the dirt by chasing after him, but that's as far as your blame in this goes.

 

He can place blame in the middle of the roadway, but it doesn't mean that it's your obligation to go pick it up and shoulder it.

 

Do yourself a huge favor--go to youtube and look up "Derrick Jaxn"--watch his videos.

 

I quote him in my tag line: "People treat you the way they feel about you".

 

How does this dude treat you? That's how he feels about you.

[Nothingtolose]

OP, I feel ya. I've been in similar situations before, and have really learned to trust my gut. I used to think I was being paranoid, overanalyzing, having trust issues...NO! Your gut knows things that your head and heart haven't quite caught up with yet. Lean in to that intuition because every time I ignored my gut, I regretted it badly.

 

Also, read the book "Attached". It will bring you a lot of clarity. This guy has avoidant attachment style, people like that will always keep you at arm's length."He's scared, she's scared" is also a book that opened my eyes in many ways.

[ilovemefirst]

OMG i dated someone just like this. I met him on a dating site and we decided to be exclusive after a month, and then i saw him online and his excuse was, he wanted to make friends. He would keep playing games with me and finally i said i had enough. I finally met someone better and then he came back and claimed he was in love with me and he realized that he cared about me and only me. He kept trying to add me on fb too and then blocked me when i did not accept. He keeps popping back up in my life. I am now engaged and three years later, he makes a new fb account and tries to talk to me. I dodged a bullet there and so did u hun. Let this one go, he seems like he cant be a loyal one.

[Mx12345]

To put the final nail in the coffin to this story, I found out on Monday he has been dating a woman who lives an hour and a half away from our town the ENTIRE time we were together. He actually dated her first starting in August, then dated both of us for September, October, and half of November before we broke up. And hes still dating her, he saw her this weekend.

 

 

A few times while dating there were some instances that now make sense, but at the time I gave him the benefit of the doubt and didn't jump to conclusions. An example of this is when he mentioned going to that town on a Sunday morning to go running. I asked him why drive so far just to go running. He said a male friend lived in the area and it was to go running and see him too. She has a picture of the running spot on her facebook posted that same sunday.

 

 

After I found out, I had no shame. Many people on here had mentioned gaslighting which I had never heard of before. But when I looked it up, it perfectly described what he was doing. Flat out denying something that was blatantly true. So I messaged this woman on facebook, apologized for bothering her but let her know who I was and what was going on with me and the guy. She was very nice. She said him and her were not exclusive, and they had been seeing each other about three times per month since August. in September and October he had been to her place and she had been to his place. She did mention one Friday night he drove up in October (we became exclusive at the very beginning of October) and he would normally stay the entire weekend and vice versa, but this time he had to leave on Saturday afternoon which she assumed it was to meet up with someone else, but since they are not exclusive she did not mind. I asked her if she remembered what weekend this was and sure enough, him and I went to dinner and spent the night that Saturday night. So he left her place to drive back, shower, and have dinner with me. She said he was just up this past weekend but did mention that something seemed off the entire time. And prior to this meeting they hadn't seen each other in almost four weeks, to the point where she thought them seeing each other had run its course but then he contacted her about this past weekend.

 

 

Every single thing this guy ever told me was a lie. Why? He was the one who initiated being exclusive. Why would he do that? I don't think I have ever felt so mislead and lied to in my life. And this guy claims to be super religious! My head is spinning. EVERYTHING WAS A LIE! He acted like he was in love with me at first. He always wanted to spend time with me. He made comments about doing things in the future with me. Hes going to Europe for three weeks this summer and he seriously asked me to go with him for part of the trip. His ex fiancé cheated on him and he would talk about how he hated liars and cheaters. AND HE WAS A LIAR!

[smackie9]

I have a little friend that had the same thing happen to her. he love bomded her, etc....she told me there were times he would go off somewhere, she had a feeling but dismissed it. As she thought about all those times he cancelled on her, now it all made sense...he was seeing another girl. this went on for over 6 months. She was devastated. gosh she never had any luck the poor girl...I think her being so sweet, that kind of guy made sure he picked her type so he can get away with his lies.

 

Why do some guys do that? because they are narcissists. Selfish/self entitled, no empathy...they don't care about anything but themselves.