Am I overthinking or is he pulling away?

[Mx12345]

Some backstory on me. I used to be a serial dater a few years ago. I was online dating and would go on a few different dates a week. I didn't mind no commitment because I was happy being single for the most part. Something happened to me two years ago and I completely changed. I became guarded and I told myself I would only go on dates that were worth going on and I would not have casual sex, if I was going to have sex it was going to be with someone I was exclusively dating. This led to me only going on three dates in the past two years.

 

 

At the beginning of September I decided to dust off the online dating profile and rejoin Bumble. After a week I was tired of it and the lack of connection with most guys on the site. I did meet one guy though and we hit it off. I was upfront with him that I didn't have casual sex and he was fine with it. He seemed patient about me wanting to take things slow. He was very sweet and would text me good morning every morning. He would also do little kind gestures and I was happy that I had found someone genuine to date after years of f**kboys. His family came into town after we had been dating a month and she shyly asked if I wanted to go to dinner with them and meet them. After that we decided to date exclusively (even though I had not been dating anyone else anyway) and we had sex for the first time too. I began to let my walls down so to speak.

 

 

Now its been two months total of dating and one month of exclusive dating. For the past two weeks or so I feel he is pulling away. Some examples: before we both had a really crazy busy week and hadn't been able to see each other. One night he said he was tired but could he just come over for an hour, just to see me and cuddle since we hadn't seen each other in a week. Last week we hadn't seen each other in a few days. I offered to come over for just a short while just so we could see each other. He said that sounded nice but he really was just too tired. I said ok. In the past two weeks hes only texted me good morning three times. I have texted him maybe 6 times and the other mornings no on texts each other. In the past two weeks twice weve gone the whole day with no communication. That has never happened since we started dating. Before (when we weren't having sex) I would go over to his place to watch tv and eat dinner and after a few hours I would start to try and leave (because I didn't want him thinking I was overstaying my welcome and plus I had stuff to do too) and he would say things like "no, don't leave, stay longer" and I liked that and of course I wanted to stay longer. this past week I went over to his place and almost right after we had sex he started giving the vibe he wanted me to leave, which I hated. He will call me or I will call him at night say 930pm and after a few min he will say he is pretty tired and going to go to bed soon, so we get off the phone. But then I will see him active on facebook until almost midnight (this has happened a few times).

 

 

Overall I'm just getting a really bad vibe where as before I was so happy to have met him and had high hopes (and I NEVER have high hopes.) Is he pulling away? Or am I just nervous because I really like him and that makes me vulnerable?

 

 

I should also mention he leaves on Saturday morning and will be in his hometown on the other side of the country for a week. I'm starting to have really bad anxiety about this. Should I ask him what is going on before he leaves? I know we wont speak as much while he is gone.

[SunnySide0418]

Yes, ask him what he's thinking.

[smackie9]

Obviously he is contacting old friends and making plans to see everyone again and go out and party, etc. This is his priority atm, but it doesn't mean he is "pulling away".

 

Just make a request to spend a night before he leaves. If he rejects that, then don't waste anymore time with him. You have better things to do than be someones part time GF.

[d0nnivain]

It's the holidays. People's schedules get more crowded & he's probably tired. Some of the adrenaline from the newness of the relationship has faded so now he wants actual sleep.

 

 

You can reach out to him if you don't hear from him. On those days when you had no communication that means you weren't doing anything to foster the connection. He was probably wondering if you lost interest.

 

 

Try to see him before he goes home. See how much contact you get while he's away. At the very least you should get a Happy Thanksgiving text.

 

 

You have only known each other for 2 months. Daily contact with somebody that new would make me crazy & I would feel totally smothered. I do not understand why so many people want that.

[olivetree]

It does sound to me like he is losing interest or is settling into how he really is.

You could give it more time to see if anything changes.

If it doesn't, I would just end it on the basis of it not being the relationship YOU want for yourself.

[smackie9]

If you are getting sick of it, call him out on it. Make sure he knows you simply just want the truth...tell him you are not happy with him being distant and short with you...and the tired excuse...you are not buying it.

 

if he folds and says ya it's true, he wants out....move on.

[kendahke]

What is he saying, exactly, on Facebook?

 

Hanging out on facebook doesn't require the same amount of energy as it does having a breathing person next to you requiring interaction. Some people just prefer to zone out on social media before they go to sleep. He may be one of those types.

 

Now is the time to own your voice and speak up for what you need out of a boyfriend. It's not enough to say you were waiting til you two were exclusive to have sex to think all the things you need from him in order to be happy and content would automatically fall into place; you're going to have to spell it out to him that you require way more communication/interaction to not feel taken advantage of or neglected. He's not going to read your mind on that. (and you're going to have to listen to him and hear him when he tells you what he needs if there is any hope of this working out. If he says he needs time to himself to wind down or he likes to futz around on facebook before he goes to sleep, then you're going to have to come to a compromise or accept that if you want to be with him).

 

I would definitely speak up for yourself, if you're that concerned; if not, crack open that Bumble profile, bait your hook and drop your line. No sense on wasting your youth behind someone who's not into you the way you feel they should be by this point.

 

And never be taken in by meeting their family---that's really meaningless if their actions don't buttress the natural progression of romantic relationships.

[Mx12345]

I appreciate all the comments. Unfortunately, we had already established we wouldn't get see each other before he left. I have a work function tonight and his flight leaves at 6am Saturday morning, so hes going to spend Friday night packing and going to bed early.

 

 

I REALLY was hoping this distant thing was because he was planning to go home and he had lots of stuff to do before that happened. I guess my biggest issue is the difference from a month ago to today. He was ALL ABOUT ME, and while I liked him too, I was being more cautious and taking it slow. He would text me a little throughout the day (not excessively, but enough) and now we don't speak at all throughout the day. And I'm wondering if hes getting into that settled place in a relationship (which is fine) or if hes pulling away.

 

 

I really like what a previous commenter said about spelling it out for him what I'm looking for and also listening to what his needs are as well. I guess I'm just super nervous that I don't know whats going on with us and hes leaving. So ill have to wait over a week to get some answers.

[olivetree]

If it was me, I would walk away without a discussion because honestly, it seems way too soon to be having serious talks about him putting in more effort.

Plus I wouldn't be that invested.

It's the honeymoon stage... this is as good as it gets!

 

If things are dwindling this early on, I think it's not a good sign of longevity or compatibility.

[smackie9]

people don't get settled after only two months of dating...in fact you should be desperately into each other at this time.

 

I think this whole thing is a bust TBH. If it were me I would have kicked him to the curb by now.

[Mx12345]

So an update. I texted him last night, the conversation went like this after we got through the whole how was your day stuff (which I texted him first btw)

 

 

Me: So is it just me, or is something off recently?

Him: with us?

me: yes, I'm probably overthinking it, but I wanted to ask so I'm not thinking about the entire time you are gone next week.

him: what makes you think something is off?

me; just a vibe

him: well your vibe is off haha

me: ok I just wanted to ask, you've been somewhat distant for over a week and I would hope if you aren't into dating anymore you would say something.

Him: why do you say that?

Me: I'm just really starting to like you and I don't want to get the slow fade.

Him: this conversation is making me grumpy. I like you, I enjoy your company, and I have fun with you.

Me: don't be grumpy, Ive felt a vibe for over a week now, you say my vibe is off, so all is well.

Him: its all good

 

 

 

 

He never gave a reason for his distance! and now I'm afraid to push it.

 

 

Dating sucks.

[olivetree]

So an update. I texted him last night, the conversation went like this after we got through the whole how was your day stuff (which I texted him first btw)

 

 

Me: So is it just me, or is something off recently?

Him: with us?

me: yes, I'm probably overthinking it, but I wanted to ask so I'm not thinking about the entire time you are gone next week.

him: what makes you think something is off?

me; just a vibe

him: well your vibe is off haha

me: ok I just wanted to ask, you've been somewhat distant for over a week and I would hope if you aren't into dating anymore you would say something.

Him: why do you say that?

Me: I'm just really starting to like you and I don't want to get the slow fade.

Him: this conversation is making me grumpy. I like you, I enjoy your company, and I have fun with you.

Me: don't be grumpy, Ive felt a vibe for over a week now, you say my vibe is off, so all is well.

Him: its all good

 

 

 

 

He never gave a reason for his distance! and now I'm afraid to push it.

 

 

Dating sucks.

 

Speaking of bad vibes...the bolded part gives me one.

The part that follows sounds like he's just having a good time with you, not super reassuring.

I can see why you're still uneasy.

[Buriall]

Speaking of bad vibes...the bolded part gives me one.

The part that follows sounds like he's just having a good time with you, not super reassuring.

I can see why you're still uneasy.

 

I also thought about that..why is he grumpy becasue this girl is talking about her feelings?

 

he sounds like a little b____ with those questions.. its like hes having fun while this poor girl trying to explain her feelings..

 

NO OFFENCE!!!

[I'veseenbetterlol]

So an update. I texted him last night, the conversation went like this after we got through the whole how was your day stuff (which I texted him first btw)

 

 

Me: So is it just me, or is something off recently?

Him: with us?

me: yes, I'm probably overthinking it, but I wanted to ask so I'm not thinking about the entire time you are gone next week.

him: what makes you think something is off?

me; just a vibe

him: well your vibe is off haha

me: ok I just wanted to ask, you've been somewhat distant for over a week and I would hope if you aren't into dating anymore you would say something.

Him: why do you say that?

Me: I'm just really starting to like you and I don't want to get the slow fade.

Him: this conversation is making me grumpy. I like you, I enjoy your company, and I have fun with you.

Me: don't be grumpy, Ive felt a vibe for over a week now, you say my vibe is off, so all is well.

Him: its all good

 

 

 

 

He never gave a reason for his distance! and now I'm afraid to push it.

 

 

Dating sucks.

 

This is not a good sign, he is just dismissing your feelings. I have been w/several guys who acted distant then dismissed my feelings. After some digging I found out they didn't want a relationship. I think its time to move on, dating someone like this will only hurt you w/their distance. There are guys out there who will be interested in you.

[LoverOfDance]

This reminds me of my relationship that just ended a month ago. We knew each other for four months and dated for 3 months. I'm honestly having flashbacks. At first he was excited about me and then things started to die down. Sometimes he would go two days without saying Hi.

 

I'm really hoping for your sake that your guy is nothing like my ex. I don't want to tell you to leave but I feel inclined to say something and tell you that I see orange flags, as in close to red flags. I don't want to say it but I think you might get hurt. But maybe that's not such a bad thing. We learn a lot from getting hurt. I'm not sure what advice to give you but I hope you make better choices and handle your situation better than I handled mine..

[greymatter]

It's probably best to not have conversations like this via texting.

[Highndry]

it's probably best to not have conversations like this via texting.

 

+1000

 

.

.

.

.

.

[Mx12345]

I️ know conversations like this shouldn’t happen over text but I️ am losing my damn mind over here!

 

Friday night I️ called him, I️ thought it would be nicer than just texting. I️ called him to say I️ hope he had a good trip the next day and be safe and all that good stuff. He didn’t answer but texted me right away saying he was on the phone with his sister and could he call me in a few min. I️ said yes. He didn’t know this but I️ had actually just parked my car and was going to be walking a few blocks to meet friends for a drink. So I️ decided I️ would wait in my car till he called so I️ wasn’t walking and talking or if he called when I️ got to the bar it would be loud. 10 min passed, then 15. So I️ get out my phone to get on social media till he calls. I️ see he has posted a snap on snap chat of his dog five min ago! Wtf? I️ decide to just start walking to the bar. He calls me and we have a 20 second conversation. He said he was busy packing and it seemed like he wanted off the phone. He asks if he can call me the next day as he didn’t have much planned the day he arrived.

 

Yesterday came and went. No call, no texts. But he has been active on social media all day, so very obviously he isn’t doing anything keeping him too busy to at least send a text!

 

Now it’s this morning, again he’s been on social media all morning. But no call or text. I️ know I️ have the ability to call or text him, but as the person on vacation I️ don’t want to bother him.

 

I’ve had so much anxiety these past few days. I️ don’t know if I️ can go a whole week like this. The smart side of me says something changed two weeks ago, I️ don’t know what, and this is it, move on. But I️ really like this guy and I’m also the type of person who likes closure. I️ don’t even need to know the reason he changed his mind at this point, I️ would just like him to dump me so I️ can move on.

 

I️ think I’m mostly venting at this point, it’s just so confusing to have someone basically worshipping you one week and you feel like you are falling for them, and then the next week you don’t even mean enough to them to get a proper “this isn’t working anymore” conversation. They just become more distant until you just give up on them.

[kendahke]

Speaking of bad vibes...the bolded part gives me one.

The part that follows sounds like he's just having a good time with you, not super reassuring.

I can see why you're still uneasy.

 

I agree. I was going to guess that he may be one of those people who suffer from separation anxiety, but this line about being grumpy because you want clarification is a huge red flag in my book.

 

He considers you an option. A guy who was 100% down with you would have reassured you that that wasn't the case, he was sorry if you got that impression and that he'll make it up to you when he's back.

 

Proceed with caution with him--I don't think he's as into this for the same reasons you are.

[kendahke]

But I️ really like this guy and I’m also the type of person who likes closure. I️ don’t even need to know the reason he changed his mind at this point, I️ would just like him to dump me so I️ can move on.

 

Stop this destructive thinking--this puts you at the mercy of others capriciousness.

 

You don't get closure from others. You give it to yourself by taking actions which protect your esteem from damage. YOU dump him. Being on vacation doesn't mean anything--people make time for those people and things that are important to them no matter what.

 

Ignoring you is him lobbing grenades at your self esteem. They're landing in your lap and blowing up. You need to cook them and chuck them back to him where they belong because his whole attitude is funky.

[Lorenza]

This relationship is already making you unhappy and giving you loads of anxiety. This guy has definitely pulled away and he's dismissive of your feelings. I can guarantee it will only get worse.

 

My ex was like that - he was uninvested, unwilling to hear me out or put any effort into the relationship, but he would sometimes come to enjoy what I could offer him.

 

It all started off the same way - he stopped being as exciting, stopped texting, could go days without contacting or meeting me. But would act clueless (or angry) if I brought it up. It all degraded to me being some kind of booty call for that guy and I had a terrible year filled with misery and high levels of anxiety. Until I gathered my courage and broke it off with him.

 

Don't give other people this kind of power by letting them decide what they want to do with you. You have a will of your own and don't need to wait for someone else to pass the judgment.

[LoverOfDance]

He's doing "that guy thing where they act all aloof and distant until they get us to break up with them" - Monica from Friends.

 

Guys do this a lot. My ex did it too. I believe it is because they are too cowardly to end things. After reading your last post, I think you have two options.

 

Option 1 - You can refuse to give him what he wants (a break up) and see other men while you are seeing him until you find Mr. Right. A lot of ppl will say that this is immature and wrong but he deserves it if you ask me. He chased you, made you fall for him. Now that he has pretty much gotten everything from you including sex, the new toy is not as shiny or interesting anymore.

 

Option 2 - Give him what he wants, break up with him, move on and save yourself the constant anxiety and pain - you don't deserve any of it. Leave it to the universe to serve him what he deserves. This is the option I would choose. I wish you the best.

[Mx12345]

Another update:

 

 

We have talked a little since he has been gone and it has been nice conversations. He has said multiple times that he misses me and he even asked if we could see each other the night he gets back which would be Saturday.

But last night I was dealt a major blow. He had met one of my really good friends the week before he left and I had also sent him some of his FB profile pix when we first started dating to show her what he looked like. Ive talked to her about him and she is completely aware that Ive been on edge about us for two weeks now. So yesterday afternoon she sent me a screen shot of his Match.Com profile. It said he had been active within the past 24 hours. When we decided to be exclusive he specifically said he deleted all the dating sites he was on. I was crushed.

 

 

So last night I decided to call him and tell him about it. I said my friend found him on Match and that I thought we were exclusive and could he give me an explanation. Right away he said he had just had a conversation with his friend who is a girl about this. She has texted him and then mentioned she saw him on Match and he responded he thought he had deleted his profile and then he said he just thought he would deal with it when he returned home. I asked if everything else between us was ok. We then had a conversation where he said he feels like he is walking on eggshells and I'm making him out to be this bad person and hes not. And how this time period is supposed to be fun but hes constantly watching what he does on social media because ive been calling him out on it (in the conversation I mentioned that he ignored me but was posting on Snapchat and that he says hes going to bed but is on facebook all night.) I know I need to take responsibility for this. I shouldn't be watching his social media like a hawk. I admit this to him as well. Finally I said he was obviously having doubts about us and I didn't want to date someone who wasn't sure if they wanted to date me. He signed and got grumpy and said he didn't want to have this conversation while he was away. He said I was picking at him trying to find reasons to end things. It was super late, around midnight and he said he needed time to think and he would talk to me when he got back. I was ok with this.

 

 

After we hung up he sent me a screen shot of a texting conversation with the girl he said was his "friend." She said something like "looks like the universe is trying to bring us together even more, I saw you on Match. He tells her "I'm on Match?" and she says "yes I saw you on there earlier." First the conversation did NOT sound like a girl who is a friend which pissed me off. Maybe like someone he once went out with before. I also found her on his FB and hes liked all her pictures as recently as the last week of October. BUT the main thing I saw in this conversation was he had it with her at like 8pm. He tells her surprisingly that he didn't realize he was on Match. When my friend sent me the screen shot it was around 4pm, and he had been active in the past 24 hours. I don't know how Match works but it seems to me he was on Match within 24 hours prior to having the conversation with the so called friend.

 

 

After I put the pieces together I now realize this is not going to work. Too many shady tendencies. Ill still talk to him when he returns if he wants but only to tell him I'm no longer interested in dating. I am sad, because I hadn't opened up to anyone like I did with him in so long. I trusted him and feel like my trust has been broken. When I finally did go to bed I slept better than I have in almost two weeks.

[olivetree]

After I put the pieces together I now realize this is not going to work. Too many shady tendencies. Ill still talk to him when he returns if he wants but only to tell him I'm no longer interested in dating. I am sad, because I hadn't opened up to anyone like I did with him in so long. I trusted him and feel like my trust has been broken. When I finally did go to bed I slept better than I have in almost two weeks.

 

Your gut new this was wrong and I agree with you.

Only thing I would do differently is send him a message now (rather than wait) that this isn't working for you and you're moving on.

[Mx12345]

I have another update. I think I'm mostly just confused and venting and hurt and sad, so I'm sorry if I am using this as a release.

 

 

I didn't wait until he came back after Thanksgiving. I asked my friend to see if he was active on Match anymore and over the course of the next two days he was online several times. I know it was passive aggressive but I deleted him from all social media (FB, IG, SnapChat.) It was still a day before he was going to be home, but he called me after he saw I did that. Said I was an amazing person, but this was just too intense for him. He also swore he didn't know why it was showing him as active on Match that he didn't even have a paid account. And that I obviously didn't trust him and it wasn't going to work out. It was a long conversation with lots of arguing. Towards the end I was even taking the blame for being insecure and asking if we could still work things out. He said no.

 

 

Two days later I got back on Bumble, part of me was bored, part of me was being petty, part of me thought getting back out there would make me forget him. I got on Bumble at 4pm in the afternoon. at 10pm he sends me a screenshot of my profile and starts accusing me of never liking him to begin with, I was looking for a reason to end things so that's why I was accusing him of being dishonest when we said we were exclusive. He couldn't believe I was back on Bumble so quickly. I told him "you are obviously back on Bumble too, does that mean you never cared about me?" He said he only got on bc his friend saw me on there and told him. Firstly I never met any of his friends so how do any of them recognize me from a dating site? By the end of the conversation he wanted me to come over. I told him I wasn't looking for a causal hookup. He said he wasn't either. I told him if he still felt the same way in the morning we could talk.

 

 

The next morning he messages me that he misses me. We agree to meet in the late afternoon to talk because I have an event to go to. Throughout the day we text a little. two hours before we are to meet he confirms the place we are meeting. 15 min before we are to meet (I'm already driving to the coffee place) he texts that he doesn't think its a good idea we meet. he cant get past the fact I'm back on Bumble (hes still on too) and that he doesn't think I'm genuine. I try to talk him out of it, I don't even care about Bumble, I want to talk and try to make this work. He says I'm too dependent on having a relationship (keep in mind I had been on three dates in two years prior to him but he was on multiple dating sites.) He says its the nail in the coffin for us. I tell him "can you promise you wont reach out to me anymore, I need time to get over you." he says he wont.

 

 

Two days pass. We are not on each others social media by my IG is public. I see he has liked 6/7 of my old pictures in a row. Then he texts me "why couldn't this have worked?" I told him he promised he wouldn't contact me. He says hes trying but its hard, he misses me. We message a bit back and forth but I stay strong. He messages me again the next day, saying he tried, why cant I try. I say I DID try, but my guard is back up and a few messages isn't going to be enough for me to trust him again. I say if he is ready to not be on dating sites and date me and only me, then for him to message me. he says he knows he misses me but he never says anything else.

 

 

Five days pass. Its hard. I miss him so much. But I'm trying to be strong and get over it. I keep replaying everything over in my head. What else could I have done? Where did it go wrong? Did I really mess things up? Then I'm like NO! Hes a jerk. Hes not who you thought he was.

 

 

On the 5th day he messages me casually asking how my half marathon went the day before (he remembered I was running.) Its very casual. When we were good, I had got us tickets to see a basketball game. His hometown was playing my hometown. The game is that night and I'm going to take my sister. When hes asking about the race I didn't think he even remembered I had got us the tickets and the game was that night. Sure enough he says "have fun at the game tonight." and I dont respond.

 

 

That night I go to the game a post a video on IG of the game. He texts me two min after I post the video "hope you had fun on your date tonight" We proceed to argue. I tell him we ended bc he was still on dating sites and broke my trust. he says he was never looking for anyone else and I was insecure and that's why we ended. He tells me how amazing I am and how hes been moping around missing me.

 

 

The next day I did something I shouldn't have. But I was thinking how he has always been the person to reach out to me, so maybe I should show him I am interested in trying again too. I asked him if he would like to go to my company holiday party, its the next night (he was originally my plus one when I had originally RSVPd.) He says yes right away and we talk about what time and meeting and whatnot. The next day the party is at 6pm and I am supposed to pick him up at 5:30pm. At 1pm he texts me that hes been thinking and he doesn't think he should go. That he feels like a last min invite that I couldn't find anyone else to go with. I tell him he was always my plus one and after we ended I was going to go alone or just take a girlfriend. He says he just doesn't feel comfortable. I tell him I cant have him do this to me anymore that I am blocking him. So I block his number and block him on IG. I don't block him on facebook bc we are not friends and also he doesn't ever contact me on there. Sure enough after a few min he sends a message, that he thought I would learn for this situation and that I'm just going based off my emotions. That's he frustrated that I'm not seeing his point of view. I say that I learned he was a disingenuous person and I didn't want anything to do with him and to please not contact me or I would block him on FB too. I notice a few min later he has blocked me on FB. As I'm getting ready for the party I see he has requested to be my friend on FB. I delete the request. Later that night when I got home I see that he has not blocked me on FB but he has blocked my ability to send him a message on FB.

 

 

Its now been four days. Emotionally I'm a mess. I cried this entire weekend. How could something that started so amazing turn so bad? Why wasn't I good enough for this guy? Why did he keep leading me on? Why did he reach out so much and tell me he missed me? What does he really feel for me? Did he ever really feel anything for me? How can someone who claims to be so religious be so manipulative? I'm 31, is this how its always going to be?