girlinNYC Posted November 15, 2017 Posted November 15, 2017 I’ve been getting to know someone for a while and really enjoying the friendship we have. I do like him and would consider a future with him if he feels the same way. He comes from a traditional family. Which leads me to what I’m worried about.. My parents have been married for 32 years and up until now they have hardly had issues. Mom is stressed over her parents being unwell and is lashing out at Dad as a result of said stress. It’s driving a wedge between them at the moment and I wouldn’t be surprised if they separate. If they do, and I eventually meet the rest of this guy’s family in light of them being traditional, will my parents’ separation (if it happens) make me look like an undesirable girl for their son to be assosciating with? I know it isn’t my fault and I shouldn’t be penalised for any marital issue my parents have but wpuld super traditionalists see the children of separated parents as damaged goods?
kassy Posted November 15, 2017 Posted November 15, 2017 You are creating problems that don't exist. Stop it. This is a whole post of ifs and maybes. Until any of these things happen you don't need to worry about them. Deal with them if they arise. For now just focus on your relationship with him and see if it really has legs. It's also not like your parents have been married 4 times each. I can't imagine a split after 32 years would be cause for concern. But hopefully even of that happens you'll already have a relationship with his parents and they will know you as a person and judge you based on that. Again. Stop creating theoretical problems. 7
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 15, 2017 Posted November 15, 2017 Some would, most would not. Not sure you'd want the ones who would as potential in-laws would you? I hope your mom can get some help for her stress and it stops affecting your parents' relationship <3.
Author girlinNYC Posted November 15, 2017 Author Posted November 15, 2017 You are creating problems that don't exist. Stop it. This is a whole post of ifs and maybes. Until any of these things happen you don't need to worry about them. Deal with them if they arise. For now just focus on your relationship with him and see if it really has legs. It's also not like your parents have been married 4 times each. I can't imagine a split after 32 years would be cause for concern. But hopefully even of that happens you'll already have a relationship with his parents and they will know you as a person and judge you based on that. Again. Stop creating theoretical problems. I know. It’s irrational. I guess it’s my way of mentally ‘preparing’ for a possible predicament should it arise. I’m mentally drained from her attitude lately that my state of mind is currently pessimistic. Trying to regain optimism.
Author girlinNYC Posted November 15, 2017 Author Posted November 15, 2017 Some would, most would not. Not sure you'd want the ones who would as potential in-laws would you? I hope your mom can get some help for her stress and it stops affecting your parents' relationship <3. They definitely wouldn’t be ideal in laws but I shouldn’t have to sacrifice a relationship for it. The situation hasn’t occurred and I sure hope it doesn’t, but I’m feeling pessimistic lately so it’s probably my mind playing tricks. I’m not on talking terms with mom at the moment so whenever she decides to calm down I’m going to offer an ultimatum of seeing a therapist or else I’m not going to continue a relationship with her.
Versacehottie Posted November 16, 2017 Posted November 16, 2017 They definitely wouldn’t be ideal in laws but I shouldn’t have to sacrifice a relationship for it. The situation hasn’t occurred and I sure hope it doesn’t, but I’m feeling pessimistic lately so it’s probably my mind playing tricks. I’m not on talking terms with mom at the moment so whenever she decides to calm down I’m going to offer an ultimatum of seeing a therapist or else I’m not going to continue a relationship with her. If they are going to be the type of in-laws that would extend a "problem" (i.e. a parental separation or divorce) that you have absolutely no control over as if it taints you, you might want to rethink the possibility of marrying into THEIR family. You are not responsible nor do you really have an input on how your parents marriage will turn out so they'd be kind of irrational to hold it against you as if you did. I agree with kassy that stop creating problems where none exist or worrying about hypotheticals. I'm not even sure that i read that he asked you to marry him yet, right? I think if you worry about walking on eggshells or doing everything perfect in their eyes, your relationship with your guy will suffer and you might grow resentful or ding your self-esteem. I think a guy worthy of a good and confident girlfriend/wife wants one to stand on her own two feet with strength and conviction, especially when she knows she is right--there is no reason to cower because of stuff like this like it's a deep, dark secret or something to be ashamed of. Also you can't prepare for every eventuality--at a certain level you just have to have confidence that when stuff arises you will be able to handle it like an adult and a lady. If he is put off by your parents thing, well then, same goes for him. Just try not to let the negativity rub off on you. That is something concrete that might have them concerned and it's about you and that is something which is fair for them to consider. Good luck 2
Author girlinNYC Posted November 19, 2017 Author Posted November 19, 2017 Thanks for your reply. I knew from the outset I was being irrational hence my post and it’s quite unlike me to think that way. Naturally yours and other repliers logic came to fruition and I didn’t have to worry. My parents have resolved their disagreement. I just put it down to feeling quite pessimistic in the moment and letting it cloud my outlook/logic in general.
Redhead14 Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 I’ve been getting to know someone for a while and really enjoying the friendship we have. I do like him and would consider a future with him if he feels the same way. He comes from a traditional family. Which leads me to what I’m worried about.. My parents have been married for 32 years and up until now they have hardly had issues. Mom is stressed over her parents being unwell and is lashing out at Dad as a result of said stress. It’s driving a wedge between them at the moment and I wouldn’t be surprised if they separate. If they do, and I eventually meet the rest of this guy’s family in light of them being traditional, will my parents’ separation (if it happens) make me look like an undesirable girl for their son to be assosciating with? I know it isn’t my fault and I shouldn’t be penalised for any marital issue my parents have but wpuld super traditionalists see the children of separated parents as damaged goods? My parents have been married for 32 years and up until now they have hardly had issues I wouldn’t be surprised if they separate. If they do, First of all, you're worrying about an IF. Secondly, if they do separate after 32 years over this situation, there were probably more/other problems before all this came up. As for whether someone you date would use the failure of your parent's marriage against you, you're also worrying about an IF. Stop creating issues in your mind that have not materialized. Deal with IFs WHEN/IF they occur. If you drive your car fretting that you might have an accident, you will have an accident because you're distracted from the road in front of you. Anxiety is a relationship accident waiting to happen. 1
act00 Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 I fully understand your "what ifs" in this scenario. These potential in-laws seem rather judgmental and closed-minded. I think you need to think long and hard if this is a family you wish to blend with, if you and your boyfriend do, in fact, progress to some permanence. You don't just marry your man. You marry his family, his faith, his flaws...and he yours. You are worrying about things you "shouldn't be" (maybe yes, maybe no), and you are "putting the cart before the horse" as well. It seems silly, but I don't think this fear is coming from nowhere. When you create a life with a husband, you are creating your own personal unit. There have to be boundaries. Your husband needs to have your back and tell his parents what-for as required, as you will do with your family and your parents if they get all persnickety. You will be a unit, your family. They grew up, got married and made their own family with their own rules...now it's your turn. I have had experience with highly religious people who have their views and their values and have been on the as*-end of their judgement. I have been the BLAME and the CAUSE simply because I do not subscribe to their faith...when it's just life crap, basic crap, but in their minds, if I subscribed to this faith, none of this crap would be happening. OP, your own world is being extremelely disrupted. You have aging grandparents, the stresses involved, and the adult children (your mom) having to care for them, and the aruguments between your parents around this...it's a lot to absorb. You also have this issue with your potential in-laws who seem to be highly critical and judgemental, and I don't know where your boyfriend lies in this scenario and if he has the balls to tell them to mind their own business and you are a unit, as a couple, and your parents lives are not a reflection on you. It's not like they have poor values. My grandmother stayed with her husband for years. She grew up in a world where women moved from her parent's home to her husband's home, had babies, stayed at home, religion and marriage, divorce being taboo...he beat the family regularly...all of them. He had affairs, drank to excess, anger, beatings, and some allegations of incest...but she stayed and that's the all important thing isn't it? They stayed married! I do suggest you pay attention and think long and hard about both your boyfriend and his ability to couple with you, protect you, create a boundary, and how his family treats you as a whole. None of this will change with a wedding ring. There will still be strict rules, certain expectations, judgement, criticism, and walking on egg shells, and you will voluntarily be signing up for this, with eyes wide open. Let me say this again. A wedding ring won't make these issues go away. If his family is cold towards you now, it won't change. Not without your boyfriend/husband putting up some boundaries, and this could result in full-out shunning...this happens. He doesn't want to be shunned. Wait until babies enter the picture - baptism, confirmation, other religious rites you don't agree with or want -- oh yes, this will be further conflict. You are putting the cart before the horse. You are worrying about things that don't exist. But I don't think these thoughts came from nowhere, so I think you need to really pay attention to this behavior from the in-laws and religious or traditional beliefs and expectations, cultural expectations, and if you and your guy can pull this off together with healthy boundaries. Pay attention. If your in-laws can't accept you, especially over something you can't control, like your parents divorcing, it's just not going to be an easy life, especially after babies come on board.
greymatter Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 I’ve been getting to know someone for a while and really enjoying the friendship we have. I do like him and would consider a future with him if he feels the same way. He comes from a traditional family. Which leads me to what I’m worried about.. My parents have been married for 32 years and up until now they have hardly had issues. Mom is stressed over her parents being unwell and is lashing out at Dad as a result of said stress. It’s driving a wedge between them at the moment and I wouldn’t be surprised if they separate. If they do, and I eventually meet the rest of this guy’s family in light of them being traditional, will my parents’ separation (if it happens) make me look like an undesirable girl for their son to be assosciating with? I know it isn’t my fault and I shouldn’t be penalised for any marital issue my parents have but wpuld super traditionalists see the children of separated parents as damaged goods? I second the above poster who said you are creating problems that don't exist. Why waste mental energy pondering the "what ifs"? 1) It sounds like you are not even at the stage with him yet of talking about the two of you as a couple and 2) half of the people out there (including me) have divorced parents and this is not the 1950s. If your guy didn't want to be with you because of some antiquated notion that he has to be with a woman whose family of origin is still together, or you are "damaged goods" than you are better off without him. But he has said no such thing and it doesn't sound like you are even a couple yet? I don't mean for my words to sound harsh (my friendly tone is not coming through, I'm afraid). I just think all of this worry about what could happen is not healthy to focus on.
BaileyB Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 You are creating problems that don't exist. Trust me, you will have enough problems in your life... You don't need to create more. IF, you start dating this guy... And IF, your parents separate... And IF, you decide to marry this guy... And IF, your "future in-laws" have any problems with your family... Well, I wouldn't worry about what they think. You are not responsible for your parents. Nobody has any business passing judgment on your family. No family is ever perfect. Including their family. I hope your mom gets help for her stress. Best wishes. 1
dude360 Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 You are creating problems that don't exist. Stop it. This is a whole post of ifs and maybes. Until any of these things happen you don't need to worry about them. Deal with them if they arise. For now just focus on your relationship with him and see if it really has legs. It's also not like your parents have been married 4 times each. I can't imagine a split after 32 years would be cause for concern. But hopefully even of that happens you'll already have a relationship with his parents and they will know you as a person and judge you based on that. Again. Stop creating theoretical problems. What Kassy said. Stop creating fictional problems. Just focus on the here and now. 1
mortensorchid Posted November 20, 2017 Posted November 20, 2017 DOn't let whatever your parents are going through affect what you are doing, either with this or any other person out there. Know how many people I have met who said that their parent or parents' behaviors caused them to not want to get married / have children and then they marry someone else right after dumping someone? Or use that as an excuse? No, you don't do that. And in your case it has no affect on you and this woman, let alone any other. 1
Author girlinNYC Posted November 23, 2017 Author Posted November 23, 2017 I second the above poster who said you are creating problems that don't exist. Why waste mental energy pondering the "what ifs"? 1) It sounds like you are not even at the stage with him yet of talking about the two of you as a couple and 2) half of the people out there (including me) have divorced parents and this is not the 1950s. If your guy didn't want to be with you because of some antiquated notion that he has to be with a woman whose family of origin is still together, or you are "damaged goods" than you are better off without him. But he has said no such thing and it doesn't sound like you are even a couple yet? I don't mean for my words to sound harsh (my friendly tone is not coming through, I'm afraid). I just think all of this worry about what could happen is not healthy to focus on. Completely agree with you. It's all good now, parents have resolved their issue. In the moment I was feeling quite unusually pessimistic which lead me to post. Thanks for your insight.
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