Jrugby7 Posted August 19, 2005 Posted August 19, 2005 I'm totally confused today. I have reached a point where i feel like i can move on with my life, without my wife. I went out last weekend and had a great time with some friends, more fun than i'ave had in months. I keep going back and forth, do i stay or do i go. If i stay i will have to deal with this for the rest of my life and it will always be in the back of my mind. Plus if i ever see him it will throw it all back in my face. I do love my wife but after finding out this went on for 2 months, instead of the 1 time she originally told me, i'm having a tough time feeling attracted to her. I feel like if i stay I'm letting myself down and denying myself the chance to meet someone who would be faithful. On the other hand i could leave. One thing i didn't like when i went out last week was the slight urge to go home with a girl. I see all these beautiful women and i just think, why shouldn't i? I would not do that while i am married, just for the record. If i go, i lose any chance at a future with her, i think that will be tough. Another thing i think about is her with other guys, and it kills me. I hate to even think of it. Then i realize, that already happened with a guy that i absolutley hate. I think this was more of a vent post than me looking for help.
agnf666 Posted August 19, 2005 Posted August 19, 2005 I will live with the saying until I die "Once a Cheater always a Cheater" it seems to be the truth. Your wife cheated on you twice. That would to me makes the red flag come out. If you got back together with her then you will always have to think if she is going to cheat agian or not. If she did it twice then there will probably be alot more times it will happen. There is no need to get all caught back up in that mess. Even if she swears to you that she won't cheat I would really think about that. What you need to do is figure out what you want to do? Since her little cheat thing was going on for 2 months then it might be best to get a separation. Then go for a divorce. You will never be happy if you always have to worry who she is with and what she is doing ever waking hour.
Dean3922 Posted August 19, 2005 Posted August 19, 2005 Leaving is the easy way out but staying will require MC and finding out why she cheated on you. Do you really want it to last? If you find that you want to stay with her and she seems committed then go slow. You were disrespected by your wife and your faith in her is toast. It is a hard decision for you so take lots of time and think what you really want and if you even have the desire to forgive her.
Author Jrugby7 Posted August 19, 2005 Author Posted August 19, 2005 To be clear she didn't cheat twice, it was a 2 month affair, but that doesn't matter. I get really upset when we talk and she asks if i'm going to leave. She always says, "will you tell me soon, so i'm still young". What the hell is that? I don't think i have the strength to fight this out. This is wearing me down in all aspects of my life. I feel down all the time, emotionally and physically.
agnf666 Posted August 19, 2005 Posted August 19, 2005 If it is waering you down then you need to get out of this relationship. It will just become more of a mess. You need to either talk with her and straighten this out or bolt. With the comment she made about you makin ga decision. I think she has already made hers with someone else since she is so snappy to get an answer.
Bryanp Posted August 19, 2005 Posted August 19, 2005 It seems to me that she made a deliberate choice to have sex with another man for two months behind your back and put your health at risk for STD's. She deliberately chose to break her wedding vows and inflict great pain on you her husband. It is now your choice to decide if you wish to remain married to this person who did this to you. The bottom line is that she went into the affair with her eyes open and she totally knew the risk. She was willing to have an affair and thought that you in the long run would accept her enjoying her fantasy and willing to live with it. The question is do you really wish to? She made her choice and now you have a right to make your choice also.
sylviaguardian Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 JRugby, Ive said this before, but I'll say it again - you need to give yourself time. I have been in your position for 13 months now and am still confused and change my mind from week to week.You've had your trust an dbelief in a person totally shattered. It takes a long time for the dust to settle to see if there is anything left worth building on. If i stay i will have to deal with this for the rest of my life and it will always be in the back of my mind. Plus if i ever see him it will throw it all back in my face. I am sorry to tell you this but this will happen regardless. Even if you leave, you will have to deal with these feelings. If you leave, you will also have to deal with bumping into him and knowing that your marriage broke up because of him, or possibly even knowing that he took your wife after you left her. I do love my wife but after finding out this went on for 2 months, instead of the 1 time she originally told me, i'm having a tough time feeling attracted to her. I feel like if i stay I'm letting myself down and denying myself the chance to meet someone who would be faithful. Again this is normal. This seems to be what cheaters do. I know you feel like you will be letting yourself down if you stay, but if you stay and it doesn't work, so what? You can walk away knowing you gave it a good chance instead of always wondering. There is no guarantee that your wife won't do this again, just as there is no guarantee that the next person you meet will be faithful. There are no guarantees in any relationship. Sylvia
passing by Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 I am hardly one to give advice on the roller coaster rubber band thing that marriage becomes after infidelity has become an issue. I am at five years post d-day. It still hurts all the time. We always had problems, the infidelity has simply exacerbated them. We are hardly communicative anymore. He seems to prefer it that way. I don't and feel I'm going to have to finally make that decision. Some people seem to be able to overcome a partner's infidelity. It doesn't have to be the death knell in a relationship. Some people forgive each other, really and truly forgive each other, and grow closer because they have forgiven each other. The cheating parner has to forgive the betrayed partner for the things he does in anger and hurt in response. The betrayed partner has to let go of the anger and the hurt and forgive the cheater. This is what I was hoping would happen in my relationship. But my partner won't try. He just wants to withdraw instead of talk. He wants to run away like he always did which is why he cheated in the first place. He wants to respond in anger when I come to him with my anxieties and fears about our marriage. I can't deal with it anymore and it's the saddest thing. I have two boys. If you have no children and are young, move on Jrugby. There are many women out there who would be faithful. At my age, I doubt I will ever have another meaningful relationship with a man. I will grow old alone despite having loved my husband and believed in marriage as a life-long union. I regret trying to hang onto my marrige for all these years. I should have left many years ago.
Author Jrugby7 Posted August 25, 2005 Author Posted August 25, 2005 I had a talk with the W last night about what direction we are going. She wants me to either move forward or make the decision to leave her. As she put it, she feels like she is waiting on the verdict from her murder trial. At this point I'm leaning towards leaving. I think i can have a great life and can figure out what makes me happy if i have some time alone. The hardest part for me is leaving somone i've been in love with for so long. I don't know how i'm going to react to not seeing her and not talking to her everyday. As much as i hate to say it, I love her and i don't want to leave but i think its best for both of us. If i stay, this will always be between us and i wont be able to treat her the way she deserves to be treated. I also don't think i will be able to be truely happy knowing what happened and having to be reminded all the time. I'm excited to move onto a new chapter in life. I'm meeting with a realtor this weekend to maybe find a new place. I'm taking the GMAT to get into Grad school, and I'm checking around the country for a new job in case i want to go that route. All and all i'm still torn. It hurts so much to lose what I've had, and it scares teh **** out of me to move into the unknown. What do i do in the future if i see her? If i see her at a bar? if i see her with a guy?
anon Posted August 25, 2005 Posted August 25, 2005 You what really gets to me? They go out and decide to do this thoughtless insensitive thing, are dumb enough to get caught, drop it in your lap and YOU are the one who has to decide to end the marriage or not. Somehow it just doesn't seem fair. Ending a marriage is such a big heartaching decision to make! Isn't it enough you make the choice to try to work things out with the loser? Now YOU have to decide to break it apart as well? Why don't they have to make the tough choices! Sorry for the vent. It just bugs me, that's all.
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