Author Southern Sun Posted November 19, 2017 Author Posted November 19, 2017 Seems to me the best relationships, romantic or otherwise, are those in which both partners are looking to give up whatever power they have. Think it's called grace. Maybe it's more about giving up control...or the need to control.
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 (edited) Maybe it's more about giving up control...or the need to control. To me, control is only one of the things that falls under the heading of power...but control is a good start, for sure! Southern, I posted the above, signed off LS, and these thoughts came into my mind...i truly don't mean to sound preachy but they are so beautiful that I wanted to share them with you. In a sense they apply to the conversation we're having but, imho, they also supersede it.. "Whoever finds his life will lose it and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.' Matthew 10:39 Also, "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." Matthew 16:25 It's all about surrender. Absolute Surrender. Someone gave me an old book by that name many years ago, "Absolute Surrender," by Andrew Murray; was life changing! Wishing you life at its best today; vitality, enthusiasm for what lies ahead! (((((Southern Sun!))))) Edited November 19, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease 1
Steve Mason Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 So one of the great things about these kinds of forums is that you hopefully get an objective view of yourself...we all have a blind spot when it comes to objectively assessing our actions as we always try to make excuses for ourselves... My guess, OP, is that you didn't grow up with a great example of healthy relationship, so you don't really know what that means. From your post, it seems like you don't actually know what it means to love someone. Or how to be in a healthy relationship. In short, love means you are truly connected with and want your partner to be happy. Their happiness is your happiness. From your post, I don't think you see things that way. Is that accurate? 1
Author Southern Sun Posted November 21, 2017 Author Posted November 21, 2017 So one of the great things about these kinds of forums is that you hopefully get an objective view of yourself...we all have a blind spot when it comes to objectively assessing our actions as we always try to make excuses for ourselves... My guess, OP, is that you didn't grow up with a great example of healthy relationship, so you don't really know what that means. From your post, it seems like you don't actually know what it means to love someone. Or how to be in a healthy relationship. In short, love means you are truly connected with and want your partner to be happy. Their happiness is your happiness. From your post, I don't think you see things that way. Is that accurate? Possibly? My parents were in various states of misery (and in a continuous state of push and pull) throughout their marriage while I was at home. They are actually still married and only now have found some sort of contentment. But at least they have found it. From my dad's perspective - happiness was attained in having what he wanted, getting respect (whether or not he deserved it), and being in control. He had multiple affairs. He was demanding and nearly impossible to please. From my mom's perspective - happiness was in keeping the peace, keeping her family together, trying to keep my dad happy by mostly doing what he said, and eventually pushing back and then realizing it wasn't worth it. But how does that mean my definition of love is not as you state above? I can objectively say that I did not see much love in action from my parents.
BarbedFenceRider Posted November 21, 2017 Posted November 21, 2017 Also, as you wrote above, your bonds with "daddy" are skewed to say the least. Do you feel that way with most men? As an attempt to NOT be like your mother? You mentioned control. Your husband mentioned loss of affection on your part? But you had LOTS of affection with AP. You like to use it when you want to? Or you use intimacy when you need to, limiting others as well...
DKT3 Posted November 21, 2017 Posted November 21, 2017 At it's simplest form power in a relationship belongs to the one who cares less about the relationship. Sometimes it's fluid, sometimes it's fixed. I would say in this case it's fixed, you have the power in the relationship. If I remember correctly your AP was your boss, so this idea that there was a power struggle is likely only from your view, it's likely he was in total control 100% of the time.
Author Southern Sun Posted November 21, 2017 Author Posted November 21, 2017 Also, as you wrote above, your bonds with "daddy" are skewed to say the least. Do you feel that way with most men? As an attempt to NOT be like your mother? You mentioned control. Your husband mentioned loss of affection on your part? But you had LOTS of affection with AP. You like to use it when you want to? Or you use intimacy when you need to, limiting others as well... I don't really know of my relational tendencies. I only had a couple of boyfriends before I met my H. And then I had an affair. My H and I have a very different dynamic than I had with my AP. They are very different types of people. If I was forced to compare...my AP is way more similar to my dad's personality (ick). Perhaps I rejected how my mom was with my dad. I don't really know. I am not aware of "using" affection and intimacy. I just know how I feel (and felt with AP). I think how I felt was a result of the dynamic, but I am no psych.
Author Southern Sun Posted November 21, 2017 Author Posted November 21, 2017 At it's simplest form power in a relationship belongs to the one who cares less about the relationship. Sometimes it's fluid, sometimes it's fixed. I would say in this case it's fixed, you have the power in the relationship. If I remember correctly your AP was your boss, so this idea that there was a power struggle is likely only from your view, it's likely he was in total control 100% of the time. Oh, I agree that AP had the control. I think it was others who mentioned that the power went back and forth between us. I tried to take it back in various ways, but those methods resulted in temporary change.
DKT3 Posted November 21, 2017 Posted November 21, 2017 Oh, I agree that AP had the control. I think it was others who mentioned that the power went back and forth between us. I tried to take it back in various ways, but those methods resulted in temporary change. With my wife, we are both alpha type personalities. In her affair, he was very beta, and while she says she knew there was no way she could be attracted to him long term, she enjoyed that dynamic until she didn't. My take away was, her affair only being her second romantic relationship, she enjoyed the new dynamic until she realized she didn't like a weak man. Point being, maybe having the affair with a dominant man made you realize that you really don't enjoy having a beta man. Hopefully, you don't have an expectation of your husband somehow become more dominant. It won't happen.
Author Southern Sun Posted November 21, 2017 Author Posted November 21, 2017 With my wife, we are both alpha type personalities. In her affair, he was very beta, and while she says she knew there was no way she could be attracted to him long term, she enjoyed that dynamic until she didn't. My take away was, her affair only being her second romantic relationship, she enjoyed the new dynamic until she realized she didn't like a weak man. Point being, maybe having the affair with a dominant man made you realize that you really don't enjoy having a beta man. Hopefully, you don't have an expectation of your husband somehow become more dominant. It won't happen. I think too much of either isn't great. Yes, I was drawn to his alpha qualities, but I think he is SO alpha he leans towards jerk. I tend to be more alpha than my H, which I don't like (all the time, anyway). I appreciated that my AP brought more dominance to the table than I do naturally. It helps with sexual attraction. But over time, I think that could hurt an R just like too much of anything can. He was SO much his own guy that he really didn't know how to contribute to a relationship. I would end up feeling hurt and alone most of the time. He could be sweet but mostly I felt "hot" and objectified rather than deeply loved. I did like feeling that he had things under control. He had a plan. He could make a decision. He was going to DO something. I felt safe in a weird way. He typically didn't get his feelings hurt. Things were pretty black and white. But my H...he listens to me. He actually WANTS to protect me versus that false feeling of safety I had. He does think I'm hot but truly loves me. Maybe he has a hard time making decisions, but he gets there. I am trying to learn how to not be SO like myself all the time. I don't know. I'm tired of making comparisons.
DKT3 Posted November 21, 2017 Posted November 21, 2017 I think too much of either isn't great. Yes, I was drawn to his alpha qualities, but I think he is SO alpha he leans towards jerk. I tend to be more alpha than my H, which I don't like (all the time, anyway). I appreciated that my AP brought more dominance to the table than I do naturally. It helps with sexual attraction. But over time, I think that could hurt an R just like too much of anything can. He was SO much his own guy that he really didn't know how to contribute to a relationship. I would end up feeling hurt and alone most of the time. He could be sweet but mostly I felt "hot" and objectified rather than deeply loved. I did like feeling that he had things under control. He had a plan. He could make a decision. He was going to DO something. I felt safe in a weird way. He typically didn't get his feelings hurt. Things were pretty black and white. But my H...he listens to me. He actually WANTS to protect me versus that false feeling of safety I had. He does think I'm hot but truly loves me. Maybe he has a hard time making decisions, but he gets there. I am trying to learn how to not be SO like myself all the time. I don't know. I'm tired of making comparisons. Doubt equals comparison, you are NOT committed to fixing your marriage. I think you fear it being the same ole thing. So you compare, wishful that your husband would somehow gain some of the traits that you found attractive in OM. Until you let go of the idea that you can have that from a man who isn't capable of giving it, you will compare and ultimately ruin reconciliation. I don't think you're look for your husband to make small attainable change, more of you wanting a personality transplant. It won't happen, and honestly it unfair to expect. He is who he is, maybe you simply can no longer accept that after having a more dominant man.
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