This date...

[ZA Dater]

I decided to try OK Cupid again, quite why I have no idea but nevertheless, got chatting to someone who on the face of it seemed to be fairly nice, nothing outstanding but nice enough to meet and see if I liked her more in person. I admit I did actually have fairly high expectations.

 

 

Mistake 1: we agreed on Wednesday, he friend cancelled on her so we changed it to yesterday at short notice.

 

 

Mistake 2:Dinner date. Within 10 seconds I realised this was a mistake more to follow.

 

 

Ok we arrive separately and I meet her at the door, firstly she cannot stop moving and fidgeting and secondly she speech was quite slurred. We sit down and start chatting, any and every bit of lets call it common ground built up over texting simply vanished, it was question after question and very little meat to the conversation, granted she did actually ask me questions and I asked back but there was nothing, no real attraction at all.

 

 

The fidgeting and constantly moving around continued while we sat at the table, its hard to explain all of her movements were rushed, she ordered a glass of wine that was handled in a rush and I kid you not she could NOT sit still at ALL.

 

 

I have a suspicion but I will let others try join the dots, so then there was bathroom break 1, which lasted nearly 20 minutes, this was followed by main course, followed by bathroom break of another 20 minutes, each time she arrived back she was a bit calmer but 5 min later the same rushed moving around fidgeting would resume. Each time the speech became more slurred and less coherent.

 

 

On top of this she ate like someone who had never seen food, I admit my wallet was punished hard this time.

 

 

FYI she is 32 so not exactly someone super young.

 

 

After two hours I called this date quits and we left and again she was bouncing all over the place.

 

 

To be honest I don't take these dates seriously because the quality available on line here based on my experiences is completely abysmal. I am just amazed that in person she just didn't work at all.

[Highndry]

Hmmm....do junkies eat a lot? Sounds like she's on some good stuff. Yuck...

[ZA Dater]

Hmmm....do junkies eat a lot? Sounds like she's on some good stuff. Yuck...

 

 

 

Or she suffers from severe anxiety. I look around and I sometimes amazed by the type of people both guys and girls date, often thinking to myself "you can do so much better" and then I have dates like this and realise that perhaps the standard really is that low across the board.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I decided to try OK Cupid again, quite why I have no idea but nevertheless, got chatting to someone who on the face of it seemed to be fairly nice, nothing outstanding but nice enough to meet and see if I liked her more in person. I admit I did actually have fairly high expectations.

 

 

Mistake 1: we agreed on Wednesday, he friend cancelled on her so we changed it to yesterday at short notice.

 

 

Mistake 2:Dinner date. Within 10 seconds I realised this was a mistake more to follow.

 

 

Ok we arrive separately and I meet her at the door, firstly she cannot stop moving and fidgeting and secondly she speech was quite slurred. We sit down and start chatting, any and every bit of lets call it common ground built up over texting simply vanished, it was question after question and very little meat to the conversation, granted she did actually ask me questions and I asked back but there was nothing, no real attraction at all.

 

 

The fidgeting and constantly moving around continued while we sat at the table, its hard to explain all of her movements were rushed, she ordered a glass of wine that was handled in a rush and I kid you not she could NOT sit still at ALL.

 

 

I have a suspicion but I will let others try join the dots, so then there was bathroom break 1, which lasted nearly 20 minutes, this was followed by main course, followed by bathroom break of another 20 minutes, each time she arrived back she was a bit calmer but 5 min later the same rushed moving around fidgeting would resume. Each time the speech became more slurred and less coherent.

 

 

On top of this she ate like someone who had never seen food, I admit my wallet was punished hard this time.

 

 

FYI she is 32 so not exactly someone super young.

 

 

After two hours I called this date quits and we left and again she was bouncing all over the place.

 

 

To be honest I don't take these dates seriously because the quality available on line here based on my experiences is completely abysmal. I am just amazed that in person she just didn't work at all.

 

Sorry about your bad date, lesson learned, easy to hide behind texting/messaging. I messaged a guy for 3 months online (yeah he didn't wanna meet) and reconnected again after a failed relationship w/another guy. He was suuuper awkward in person and I was turned off the moment he walked in.

[ZA Dater]

Sorry about your bad date' date=' lesson learned, easy to hide behind texting/messaging. I messaged a guy for 3 months online (yeah he didn't wanna meet) and reconnected again after a failed relationship w/another guy. He was suuuper awkward in person and I was turned off the moment he walked in.[/quote']

 

 

 

Not a nice experience that either. In the past this whole thing would have irritated me but now it just irritates me because I could have spent the time doing other things.

 

 

What also struck me is how overtly sexual she was on text, which I guess for me had some appeal because of my complete inexperience but when I sat down it was a case of "no ways, not interested at all".

 

 

Sounds like I am being harsh but I truly do try and find good points with people and a part me does actually feel quite sorry for her because anomalies aside there seems to be a nice person but unfortunately my experience of 30 and over suggests baggage and this time being no different.

[GemmaUK]

I would say:

 

Mistake #1 was going back to OLD - you have said over and over multiple times how terrible you find the people on there.

 

Mistake #2 - enjoying the sex talk.

The majority of women - the normal kind - won't talk sexually with a guy prior to even meeting them.

That should have been a red flag and game over. Sounds like your instincts didn't kick in or, if they did you chose to ignore them.

 

Mistake#3 You said you had high expectations

Until meeting anyone from OLD low expectations is the way to go no matter what conversations you've had, go in with low expectations and you'll be less disappointed.

 

Mistake #4 Dinner as a first meet.

Again, something that you already know is not a good move.

Keep it simple.

You said as soon as you turned up that it wasn't going to go well - so just order a main (if you choose dinner as a first meet again) , suggest that, people usually follow suit if you just order a main.

If you did just order mains and the time spent still took 2 hours then you've either picked a high end place where dinner is more of an 'event' and a whole evening out or the service was terrible.

[Chris2016]

Good for being proactive/trying OP. I need to try, something, somewhere ... at least you're trying.

 

My male brain was thinking, the 'sex talk?', nice. No, not nice. In the UK, there was a lady serial killer who used her sexuality to lure men. So, if that's any incentive to trust it's a red flag, that'd be one.

[ZA Dater]

I would say:

 

Mistake #1 was going back to OLD - you have said over and over multiple times how terrible you find the people on there.

 

Mistake #2 - enjoying the sex talk.

The majority of women - the normal kind - won't talk sexually with a guy prior to even meeting them.

That should have been a red flag and game over. Sounds like your instincts didn't kick in or, if they did you chose to ignore them.

 

Mistake#3 You said you had high expectations

Until meeting anyone from OLD low expectations is the way to go no matter what conversations you've had, go in with low expectations and you'll be less disappointed.

 

Mistake #4 Dinner as a first meet.

Again, something that you already know is not a good move.

Keep it simple.

You said as soon as you turned up that it wasn't going to go well - so just order a main (if you choose dinner as a first meet again) , suggest that, people usually follow suit if you just order a main.

If you did just order mains and the time spent still took 2 hours then you've either picked a high end place where dinner is more of an 'event' and a whole evening out or the service was terrible.

 

 

 

OLD is the only real option for me unfortunately I don't have the charm or the circle of friends to try the normal way of doing things. So its a case of make the best of it I suppose! Friend wanted to take my out a few weekends ago to a party, I took the advice of this forum and simply said "look thanks but I don't fit in there, I don't party, I don't dance or drink and all I feel there is like a complete misfit" simply being honest and upfront about that felt good. His whole scene are party people and sure some will say you meet someone but not if you feel awkward at the said venue.

 

 

 

 

2: True but I guess if you have spent so long with nobody being interested it is quite nice, guess I got caught up in that, again the past of me going on dates and getting nowhere I thought I might change tack with this one a bit but again you are completely correct.

 

 

3: If someone comes across well on text I do tend to acquire some expectations because most people don't, the fact it fell apart so massively in person was a huge surprise but again water off a ducks back.

 

 

4: I tried to order mains, she wanted a starter so yes I tried that idea. Worse still actually is there was no offer to split the bill, I always refuse this but most people do offer. Yes I need to keep it simple and try find time for coffee dates.

 

 

What I left out was the heavy questions on why I don't drink it was a recurring theme basically throughout.

 

 

It is what it was and so be it really. Tomorrow is another day but each time I go on these dates I simply ask myself "why", the reasoning for them becomes less and less relevant for me, I am not going to get laid because I have no game or ability to charm so ostensibly I am just looking for people to spend time with but none of these people actually do any of the things I spend my time doing or am interested in.

 

 

Just feels like I am trying to be someone I am not to try and find some heavily compromised company.

 

 

Life being what it is I am sure I'll just keep doing this in the hope maybe one day there is actually someone amazing or I'll just enjoy being in the friend zone with someone I think is amazing.

[elaine567]

What I left out was the heavy questions on why I don't drink it was a recurring theme basically throughout.

.

 

Because the reason most men do not drink even a small glass of wine or a light beer to be "sociable" is because they are recovering alcoholics.

She no doubt wanted to clarify that.

[kendahke]

Why was it full on dinner for a first meeting and not just meeting out somewhere casual and public for a coffee? At best, €5 and 20 minutes and you're done if she creeps you out that much.

 

Never take anyone on a full on dinner date for a first meeting.

[Highndry]

Because the reason most men do not drink even a small glass of wine or a light beer to be "sociable" is because they are recovering alcoholics.

She no doubt wanted to clarify that.

 

What a load of tripe. I used to drink all throughout my 20's. I decided I wanted to get healthy and completely overhaul my life, and giving up all alcohol was part of the equation. It was a personal choice. I've met many people since who don't drink at all, not a drop, and never had problems with alcohol.

[elaine567]

What a load of tripe. I used to drink all throughout my 20's. I decided I wanted to get healthy and completely overhaul my life, and giving up all alcohol was part of the equation. It was a personal choice. I've met many people since who don't drink at all, not a drop, and never had problems with alcohol.

 

I did not say men who do not drink are all alcoholics but a % will be, and that for most women is something they need to avoid hence I guess the need for ZA Dater's date to clarify more than once and it becoming a recurring theme on the date.

[ZA Dater]

Why was it full on dinner for a first meeting and not just meeting out somewhere casual and public for a coffee? At best, €5 and 20 minutes and you're done if she creeps you out that much.

 

Never take anyone on a full on dinner date for a first meeting.

 

 

 

The reason I general avoid coffee dates is they aren't easy to do in the evening and because I don't drink coffee either, as ridiculous as this sounds only drink water.

 

 

In the past I have found coffee dates tend to end up this being the main topic of discussion.

 

 

I don't tend to look at dates as bad but rather not ideal, take the person as they are and take some learning from the experience. Feel a bit bad that there was not real chemistry at all because while this date wasn't so great it wasn't the worst I have ever had (maybe that's desperation talking).

[Miss Spider]

Did she look the same as the image you got in the pix?

[ZA Dater]

Did she look the same as the image you got in the pix?

 

 

 

For the most part yes she did.

[kendahke]

The reason I general avoid coffee dates is they aren't easy to do in the evening and because I don't drink coffee either, as ridiculous as this sounds only drink water.

 

 

In the past I have found coffee dates tend to end up this being the main topic of discussion.

 

 

I don't tend to look at dates as bad but rather not ideal, take the person as they are and take some learning from the experience. Feel a bit bad that there was not real chemistry at all because while this date wasn't so great it wasn't the worst I have ever had (maybe that's desperation talking).

 

So, OK, you don't have to drink coffee--you can drink tea or bottled water--the message is still the same: don't pay for full on dinner for a first meeting. It's too expensive and a waste of time if they turn out to be a dud. I think this is more the expectation than a full on dinner with someone you don't know, unless you're going on a business dinner with clients.

[joseb]

Because the reason most men do not drink even a small glass of wine or a light beer to be "sociable" is because they are recovering alcoholics.

She no doubt wanted to clarify that.

 

I'm not sure it's most men, but it's definitely a decent percentage. So yes, op needs to clarify that.

 

Generally I'm not in favour of changing yourself to fit in, but is there a reason you couldn't try a light beer, or a small glass if wine...or a coffee even?

 

If you really dont want to, don't. Im just curious (see, it makes people curious!)

[GemmaUK]

I'm not sure it's most men, but it's definitely a decent percentage. So yes, op needs to clarify that.

 

Generally I'm not in favour of changing yourself to fit in, but is there a reason you couldn't try a light beer, or a small glass if wine...or a coffee even?

 

If you really dont want to, don't. Im just curious (see, it makes people curious!)

 

Yeah, it would make me curious too.

Maybe only meet/date people who don't drink OP, though from my experience those who don't drink also ask other non drinkers why they don't drink - maybe it's something you have to accept as being a question.

 

Coffee shops don't just have coffee - there's hot chocolate, fruit teas, decaff coffee with just the same amounts of taste variations as regular coffee. They also do a huge variety of snacks and even lunch type meals so the focus doesn't need to be on the drink if you don't want it to be (maybe this is why you only ever choose to go for dinner?).

 

Op, are you set in your ways over food also? Is that maybe another reason why you choose to go for dinner rather than any other type of date?

[ZA Dater]

I'm not sure it's most men, but it's definitely a decent percentage. So yes, op needs to clarify that.

 

Generally I'm not in favour of changing yourself to fit in, but is there a reason you couldn't try a light beer, or a small glass if wine...or a coffee even?

 

If you really dont want to, don't. Im just curious (see, it makes people curious!)

 

 

 

I think the answer to this question is two fold.

 

 

One being I don't really like alcohol and the other being unfortunately I just see the hugely negative impact it has on society at large and this almost dependence on it to have "fun". Another reason is alcohol blurs judgement and again my first experience is few people can actually drink a moderate amount, the goal always seems to drink too much.

 

 

It certainly does make people curious and yes I guess its something I have to live with but I do think with me a lot isn't as it seems so the way I come across tends to make people even more curious simply because I do not make any attempt to fit in at all.

 

 

People ask me why I don't go to club, my answer is I simply don't enjoy that environment and eyebrows are raised, but why, simply because I don't that's usually how the conversation progresses.

 

 

Most of me really think the dating world is about doing things you don't like in the hope you might someone you do like by doing things you don't enjoy but pretend to enjoy.

 

 

In this girls case I did see the good in her but that's tempered by the large amount I don't like, she isn't a bad person just doesn't click with me but few people do so I wasn't hugely surprised nor did I feel that bad the next day either.

 

 

Granted I think all of this is easier with a large circle of friends but the truth is I cant make guy friends for exactly the same reasons I cant make girl friends either.

[ZA Dater]

Yeah, it would make me curious too.

Maybe only meet/date people who don't drink OP, though from my experience those who don't drink also ask other non drinkers why they don't drink - maybe it's something you have to accept as being a question.

 

Coffee shops don't just have coffee - there's hot chocolate, fruit teas, decaff coffee with just the same amounts of taste variations as regular coffee. They also do a huge variety of snacks and even lunch type meals so the focus doesn't need to be on the drink if you don't want it to be (maybe this is why you only ever choose to go for dinner?).

 

Op, are you set in your ways over food also? Is that maybe another reason why you choose to go for dinner rather than any other type of date?

 

 

 

Very hard/impossible to find these people. FYI for all, South Africa has one of the highest drink dependent societies in the world. Alcohol really is integral to society here.

 

 

I agree about coffee shops, completely agree but do you go for coffee in the evening?

 

 

Dinner has become something convenient for me but after this last one I don't think I am going to do a dinner again!

 

 

I don't mind being asked the question, they just generally don't accept my answer.

 

 

Each of these experiences are simply learning ones, the problem is I am not really getting any closer to anyone I actually want from an intellectual point of view.

 

 

I actually tried to make this date a more interactive one than dinner but she wanted dinner so we went with that.

 

 

There was another problem on this date, one I had not encountered before she wanted to know all about my friends and the things I do with them and this isn't that easy when you have precisely two friends.

 

 

All of that being said, its a beautiful day here today and there are many things to be thankful for, far more than there are to complain about. I am comfortable with who I am and just so long as I get wowed sometimes then I can live with the lack of dating and connection and everything else that comes with it.