thomask48 Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 Background: Been single for sometime but still had occasional dates and flings with no issues finding girls but nothing is really meaningful for me so far until I met this girl. After sometime of having casual flings, I met this girl. We have been dating for roughly 2 months so far. She is a rather independent woman who isn't really looking for relationship when I first met her. After weeks of chatting over text and a couple of dates, we started dating. Initial period was great despite her stating she isnt looking for anything and somehow we started dating. I wasn't hesitant when it comes to initial kisses and holding hands and she enjoyed it at first. However, sometime in - she stated that we are going a bit too fast but she said that we enjoyed what are doing (holding hands, kisses, making out but just not sex) and that got me really confused about the fast progress she was mentioning. She stated that it was because she wanted someone who is not out to use her for body. However, in the past day, she was feeling moody and often feeling hot and cold. I probe a bit but she didnt really wanted to explain and hence I back off with my affection. Eventually she told me about how she had a fwb before meeting me and they were still in occasional contact when the guy wants to meet. She admit that she still had some feelings for him and she is trying to get over the feeling and not let me down. But she didn't exactly state that she wouldnt be meeting him for the benefits anymore since we are dating. I felt kind of confused as what should my next step be. Whenever we are together, dates are fun, she enjoys my company and seeing me. I am fine with the initial no sex period as I legitimately looking for a good r/s with a good woman however I'm in no plans to drop her as of now since she decide to come clean with me. Any help? TLDR: -> Met a girl, good dates so far enjoyed my company and seeing me -> However, still having a bit of feelings with her fwb which she occasionally meet up if the guy wanted to meet and they are not in frequent contact -> Escalated physical attraction until making out only as she told me no sex for now -> Torn between the next move but with no intentions to drop her as I find her being honest is good without hiding anything
d0nnivain Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 She likes some other guy who is only using her for sex. Intellectually she knows he is not good for her but the heart wants what the heart wants. You are her second choice. She can't bring herself to have sex with 2 different men at the same time; in that sense she's a one man woman. You are the "nice guy" who is probably the more sensible choice but he's the one who gets her motor running. Sorry. 2
Ieris Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 I agree with d0nnivain, you're just plan B. If the other guy says he wants her, she will drop you like a hot potato.
Author thomask48 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Posted November 14, 2017 Spot on d0nn, she knows it's impossible for them but somehow I got whirled into this current situation. I have met her parents a couple of times (she said I was special for me to meet them) and this makes the whole current situation more awkward. I understand I'm the fish who has taken the bait but what are some ways to deal with the current situation? Is it morally right for me to hang out with other girls casually even though having the possibility of her really trying to get her mind back straight and focus on me. We are sort of dating exclusively (unsaid terms) with none of us dating any other people with the exception of her and her occasional fwb. I assume she was with him for 7 months in that casual r/s and what she told me was she tried dating other guys in the same period but she couldnt fix her mind on it until she met me.
d0nnivain Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 You can't be exclusive in "unsaid terms" IMO. Exclusivity is a conscious choice the couple makes together. Assumptions create problems. Especially here, it wouldn't surprise me to learn she is still obtaining & providing benefits to the other guy. Again you are the "good guy" the one she's supposed to want because you are relationship material. Unfortunately the other guy is sexier, hotter, more desirable, the classic bad boy . . . something that you are not but something that she wants more than she wants to settle down with you. Even if she sticks it out with you, in your shoes I would always wonder if she settled. You get out of this by telling her what is acceptable to you -- he goes. If she isn't on board with that, walk. If you stick around she's gonna treat you like more of a doormat & wipe her feet all over you before eventually breaking your heart. 1
Author thomask48 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Posted November 14, 2017 I made it clear the moment she told me about it if she had benefits with the another dude - I would leave instantly as to me that's a major deal breaker for me as compared to now. Her response was she took long enough for her to figure out her feelings as she often rather indecisive and she couldn't express what she is feeling for me as of now due to her nature. As for now, I'm not so into her as much but it is morally wrong for me to head out looking for my other options as of now since this exclusivity doesnt seem to exist
d0nnivain Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 Your moral compass is yours alone. I can't tell you where your ethical obligations are. In my life if the person I was dating & I didn't specifically state that we were only dating each other, both parties were free to date others. Not everybody feels this way. You have to be true to whatever your personal code of ethics is. Since you are asking this Q, I suspect that you don't multi-date & it feels weird to you. Accordingly it might be best for your conscience that you only date one person at a time because that is the kind of person you are.
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