Riot21 Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 I have been seeing someone for a while now, about four months. I wasn't open to love before due to an ex. I have finally learned to let him go after stuff hat has happened to us in the past. I am now more open emotionally to love someone else. I don't know if this new guy is the one. I feel like I may be settling for him. Do these feelings usually change now that I have let go of my ex and made myself more open to loving someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 If you feel you may be settling, you probably are. Most people are not going to be a great match, but don't accept less than a good match. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Riot21 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 Could I have felt this way because I had not let go on my ex yet? Maybe I'll like him more now that I'm more available? Does love work like that? I like parts of him and there's some attraction there but I feel like I'm settling a little bit. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 As much as people bash the word "rebound" this guy you have been seeing may have been a transitional relationship for you. He's a good solid guy. You started dating because you liked him, not just because you were afraid to be alone but now a few month in you are seeing things that tell you he's not The One. It's OK that you tried it but didn't chose to continue forever. If he's the guy from your other thread you may have initially become attracted to him because of his unmotivated lower energy; he was easier. It's like your works outs -- you warm up first. He may have been your 1st foray into dating after your last relationship but he doesn't have to the man you spend the rest of your life with. Now that you are stronger & more open to love, you may have gone to a different plane then the guy you are currently with. This relationship may have run it's course. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Riot21 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 Like I asked before. Do you usually get the feeling that this person may be the one for you after just a few months of dating? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 Like I asked before. Do you usually get the feeling that this person may be the one for you after just a few months of dating? As a girl, I used to ask my mom how would I know if I was in love. She said you'll just know. I met one of my EXs & upon shaking his hand felt electricity & got the sensation like wow I just met my soulmate / future husband. I spent the next 10 years in a dysfunctional relationship because I thought the university couldn't have been wrong. With the exception of that, any time I met somebody I either knew at the outset that he'd be a good BF but wasn't Mr. Right or it took me a long time (over a year) to even start to think about the guy in those terms. As I got older I'd ask myself the Q -- could I see myself married to him? If the answer was no which is was most often I ended things but even if it was yes, I'd purposefully dial it back & try to analyze with my head before my heart got ahead of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Riot21 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 What do you mean the university could not have been wrong? Did you marry the ex you shook hands with? Just curious as to how much of a feel you can get from just a few months with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 That should have said universe, not university. It's like The Secret, or angels or providence. No I didn't marry the guy I shook hands with. I lived with him for 10 years. I wanted to get married but he didn't believe in marriage. He also spent a lot of time espousing his philosophy of life to me. It didn't comport with my world view & often hurt my feelings but I kept thinking that initial electrical spark meant something. It didn't. It was probably static electricity That experience also taught me not to solely trust my "feelings". There had to an intellectual component to go with whatever feelings I thought I had. Was he treating me well? Did I like him? Is he polite? Objectively are we compatible? Does he show me he cares? You have to go with your feelings. What is your head telling you? What is your heart telling you? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 (edited) Have you considered the thought that if you are this indecisive and hung up on your ex that maybe you should spend some time alone? Time and distance tends to make things more clear... Perhaps, you should spend some time comtemplating what you really want from a relationship and what you really want for your life. To chime in, my mom used to tell me that when things were right, I would just know... I have felt this with other things in my life, when I got my job, when I bought my first two homes... But, I dated a myriad of men and I never had that feeling. I wasn't sure that I believed her, I second guessed myself, and I tried to make it work with men that were not right for me... until I met my current boyfriend. Did I know in the first few dates that he was "the one?" Absolutely not. He was very serious and I wasn't sure about him... I almost let him go... But, there was something about him - a sense of comfort and familiarity, many common interests, common values and goals for life... And, I will say - within about two months I knew we would be together forever. He knew it too... He says that he saw me through a window and he knew that he had to talk to me. He says that he knew early on this would be forever... So, I do believe that when you meet the right person, you will know it. It may not hit you over the head (in fact, beware situations where it hits you over the head because this is often misleading... As Donnivain has shared). But, you will just have a feeling of excitement and comfort - you will know, if you listen to your intuition... Edited November 14, 2017 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 Real love will just hit you like a Mack truck right in the face , you'll know all about it. Butttttt, then again, in your sitch it can also confuse even real love, we can mess with our own heads and hearts and confuse the hell out of the situation and ourselves too, subconsciously telling yourself all kinds of garbage and putting up blocks , women do do that especially. You could just keep seeing him for awhile more , see how things clear for you ,does he know your confused ? Link to post Share on other sites
Mkn1010 Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 I do think your feelings for the new guy could become very strong, but most likely only if you took time out to heal on your own. Something similar happened to me with a guy who just happened to come into my life at the wrong time: I wasn't fully over my long term ex bf. And I never opened up to the new guy and probably was stringing him along. After about 3-4 months, I ended up calling it quits. The funny thing is, he contacted me for my birthday roughly a year later and I happen to be single and we're dating again now and I see him in a COMPLETELY different light than I did last year. So I think the heart's capacity to love while also healing is very limited, especially if your last relationship was traumatic or he was your first bf. In literally 2 dates with the guy now, I have opened up and felt more connected to him than I felt over 3 months of last year when we saw each other previously! They key is taking time out to be alone and let your heart heal and it may or may not be this guy but in future you'll be able to see the potential for love where you're currently blind to it subconsciously. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Riot21 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 I jus don't know how strongly I feel. If I already don't feel we are compatible then... he has good qualities but he's not as motivated as me and doesn't enjoy a healthy lifestyle. He's into music and I'm into sports. He really likes me but I just don't know how compatible we are! How important is that to have? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 Just enjoy the NOW. Why does this guy have to be your happily ever after? Link to post Share on other sites
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