I'veseenbetterlol Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 A little background: I was late to the party of relationships and I only had my 1st real bf in my mid 20s. I fell hard for my ex and I thought he truly cared about me. Eventually the newness of me seemed to wear off and I felt taken for granted. He wasn't there when I needed him biggest indicator was when he accidentally let out one of animals. I could barely get him to help me look for my family pet and felt extremely alone. My bf is wonderful, he cares about me, respects me and never mentions other women in my presence, which my ex always did. The love seems a lot more grounded. One incident is we went to a party, I have a phobia that if exposed to, I w/draw a lot and avoid the stressful situation. I never make a scene, just make myself scarce. He supported me while my ex got mad at me for something I cannot control. It hurt a lot when my ex treated me so poorly, eventually I had enough and broke off the relationship. W/my current bf, the love came slower, due to me being hurt in the past, but I don't have the highs and lows that I did w/my 1st ex. Is this normal?
d0nnivain Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 The 1st relationship was intense because it was new. It was actually not that great because as you acknowledge your EX wasn't even willing to help you look for your beloved pet when it was his fault. The highs & lows are marks of a dysfunctional relationship. Real, true, long-lasting love is solid, steady & quiet. 3
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 Real, true, long-lasting love is solid, steady & quiet. Yes, with occasional FIRE thrown in! Honestly, OP, your first is your first. All new and unexplored, uncertain, so it 'seemed' more intense, but like d0nnivain says, it sounded dysfunctional, unhealthy as you well realize. 2
kendahke Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 You have to decide which is more important to you: the calm, steady, trusting love you have with your new boyfriend or the pain that your ex brought you that you equated with love, which you mistakenly call "intense". No. That's emotional pain and anyone who loves you doesn't treat you that way. 1
Author I'veseenbetterlol Posted November 15, 2017 Author Posted November 15, 2017 You have to decide which is more important to you: the calm, steady, trusting love you have with your new boyfriend or the pain that your ex brought you that you equated with love, which you mistakenly call "intense". No. That's emotional pain and anyone who loves you doesn't treat you that way. I have decided what's important to me, I wouldn't go back to intensity w/out real love.
BaileyB Posted November 15, 2017 Posted November 15, 2017 Sometimes, we confuse the intensity of the emotions we feel in an unhealthy relationship with love - or "infatuation." It sounds like what you have now is the real deal... a loving, respectful relationship with a good man. Don't dismiss this because you don't feel "the fireworks" like you did during your first, rather unhealthy relationship. There are stats out there that show that relationships that grow slowly over time, tend to last longer and are healthier than those that progress more quickly and intensely. In other words, you've got a good thing. Enjoy it.
Author I'veseenbetterlol Posted November 15, 2017 Author Posted November 15, 2017 Sometimes, we confuse the intensity of the emotions we feel in an unhealthy relationship with love - or "infatuation." It sounds like what you have now is the real deal... a loving, respectful relationship with a good man. Don't dismiss this because you don't feel "the fireworks" like you did during your first, rather unhealthy relationship. There are stats out there that show that relationships that grow slowly over time, tend to last longer and are healthier than those that progress more quickly and intensely. In other words, you've got a good thing. Enjoy it. It prob was infatuation, felt like real love though. I'm so happy to have a steady loving relationship where I don't feel alone.
DKT3 Posted November 15, 2017 Posted November 15, 2017 Toxic relationships tend to exist only in extremes. I once heard that kind of relationship explained as a camp fire. Toxic relationships are like throwing all the wood on at once, it burns hot and very intense, but goes out quickly leaving you with no wood left to burn. Also this tend to be a case of pure physical attraction, and desire. Physical attraction is self explanatory, but desire goes beyond sexual. In my experience, women tend to desire to change, or to want a guy to give what isn't in him to give. I think it's positive that your second BF is what you want, you are ahead of the game there, women tend to date the same guy with a different name over and over again.
PhilHarper Posted November 15, 2017 Posted November 15, 2017 This is almost textbook normal I think. I'm going through the same thing. Didn't start dating until late 20s. Fell head over heels for my first GF. She turned cold a month or two in, began to treat me like crap. We broke up but I went back to her despite knowing how rotten she was to me, despite having experienced a second relationship where the girl treated me much better (but she eventually also lost interest). It was just because of how much I unwittingly invested my ego and heart into this first GF, how passionate I was for a love and reciprocation I could not secure. It left me yearning. On and off for two years with nothing to show for it but a broken heart, bitterness, resentment, but also valuable lessons learned. People who've been through it will warn you and arm you with advice, but until you experience it yourself, you don't truly understand. That rollercoaster ride of a relationship with someone who's just not that into you, it's not worth it. Its purely desire. Its not love.
Author I'veseenbetterlol Posted November 15, 2017 Author Posted November 15, 2017 This is almost textbook normal I think. I'm going through the same thing. Didn't start dating until late 20s. Fell head over heels for my first GF. She turned cold a month or two in, began to treat me like crap. We broke up but I went back to her despite knowing how rotten she was to me, despite having experienced a second relationship where the girl treated me much better (but she eventually also lost interest). It was just because of how much I unwittingly invested my ego and heart into this first GF, how passionate I was for a love and reciprocation I could not secure. It left me yearning. On and off for two years with nothing to show for it but a broken heart, bitterness, resentment, but also valuable lessons learned. People who've been through it will warn you and arm you with advice, but until you experience it yourself, you don't truly understand. That rollercoaster ride of a relationship with someone who's just not that into you, it's not worth it. Its purely desire. Its not love. I never got back together w/him and ended up dating a couple uninterested guys. Those experiences caused me to build walls, which I have slowly been bringing down w/my current bf. I know if I had gotten back together, the heartache would be a lot worse.
Cobra_X Posted November 15, 2017 Posted November 15, 2017 I never got back together w/him and ended up dating a couple uninterested guys. Those experiences caused me to build walls' date=' which I have slowly been bringing down w/my current bf. I know if I had gotten back together, the heartache would be a lot worse.[/quote'] That wasn't the point of his story. The point is that it's very likely that your first relationship felt more "intense" specifically because your BF treated you like crap. If you want a more intense feeling, then find a way to get your BF to be emotionally unavailable and treat you poorly. That will probably turn you on more.
olivetree Posted November 15, 2017 Posted November 15, 2017 You say in your other thread that you can't stop regretting dating your ex. You're too focused on the past, so you're not giving yourself entirely to your new bf. Once you let go of your toxic relationship and focus on what you have now (which is much healthier), you might find the love feels more intense. 1
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