How to ask girlfriend about her bad teeth?

[yankeesfan]

I have been dating a girl for several months now and everything seems to have been going just fine. We get along great, she's fun to hang out with, etc.

 

I noticed something a while ago that I just wrote off as stained teeth from coffee or something and just put it out of my mind as not important. A few weekends ago I noticed for the first time in her mouth the tooth to the right of her front big tooth was black/brownish and crusty looking and almost looked fused to the big tooth. I had never seen it before then as I now realize she has done a good job of keeping her lip over those teeth or covering her mouth when she laughs, etc. I saw it again the next day when sitting outside in the sun and remembered how I went to the dentist recently and asked who her dentist was, and she said it was in Mexico where she is from - but she has also said she hasn't been back to Mexico in over 2 years. So that means she hasn't been to the dentist in over 2 years and I am seeing one of her teeth that looks like it is rotting.

 

I am just wondering what the forum thinks about this and how to bring it up to her in some way or ask her about it (really want to know if she is going to get it fixed, but at this point it is not fixed so makes me wonder about her hygeine). In all reality, having a rotting tooth is dangerous if not taken care of, not to mention it is personally a huge turnoff to think about kissing someone who has a dying, dead or at the least, bacteria filled tooth.

 

How can I approach this subject with her when she is obviously self aware of it (considering she has done such a great job of hiding it). She is 21 years old, why are her teeth rotting and she's not doing anything about it, is another question I have that makes me wonder if we should just break up. And if we were to do that, I feel like she would be caught by such surprise that I really should let her know that was a factor.

 

I appreciate everyone's input.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I have been dating a girl for several months now and everything seems to have been going just fine. We get along great, she's fun to hang out with, etc.

 

I noticed something a while ago that I just wrote off as stained teeth from coffee or something and just put it out of my mind as not important. A few weekends ago I noticed for the first time in her mouth the tooth to the right of her front big tooth was black/brownish and crusty looking and almost looked fused to the big tooth. I had never seen it before then as I now realize she has done a good job of keeping her lip over those teeth or covering her mouth when she laughs, etc. I saw it again the next day when sitting outside in the sun and remembered how I went to the dentist recently and asked who her dentist was, and she said it was in Mexico where she is from - but she has also said she hasn't been back to Mexico in over 2 years. So that means she hasn't been to the dentist in over 2 years and I am seeing one of her teeth that looks like it is rotting.

 

I am just wondering what the forum thinks about this and how to bring it up to her in some way or ask her about it (really want to know if she is going to get it fixed, but at this point it is not fixed so makes me wonder about her hygeine). In all reality, having a rotting tooth is dangerous if not taken care of, not to mention it is personally a huge turnoff to think about kissing someone who has a dying, dead or at the least, bacteria filled tooth.

 

How can I approach this subject with her when she is obviously self aware of it (considering she has done such a great job of hiding it). She is 21 years old, why are her teeth rotting and she's not doing anything about it, is another question I have that makes me wonder if we should just break up. And if we were to do that, I feel like she would be caught by such surprise that I really should let her know that was a factor.

 

I appreciate everyone's input.

 

I don't think you can say anything. She's well aware of it and if she's in the financial position to fix it, she will.

[yankeesfan]

I don't think you can say anything. She's well aware of it and if she's in the financial position to fix it, she will.

 

One thing I totally forgot to mention is the 'financial position' part. She regularly talks about all the fancy things she buys and all of her designer bags, this one is $5,000, I want to get this other one that is $7,000, etc. Her dad's black card. She has only talked about this drunk, so I don't want the forum to get the picture that she is totally superficial about all this. My point is just that she has explained her family is well off and paying for her to live and go to college in the US, and I have seen her collection of designer handbags. If money was an issue she could sell one of them and pay to fix her tooth immediately.

 

So it just seems like she must be scared of the dentist or something. And the longer she waits, most likely the worse it will get (and look).

[vanhalenfan]

Really touchy subject as many people can't afford dental visits, and hard to even get coverage through an employer these days. Many people are also sensitive about their teeth appearance. She is probably well aware of it, of course, but just can't afford to fix it.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

One thing I totally forgot to mention is the 'financial position' part. She regularly talks about all the fancy things she buys and all of her designer bags, this one is $5,000, I want to get this other one that is $7,000, etc. Her dad's black card. She has only talked about this drunk, so I don't want the forum to get the picture that she is totally superficial about all this. My point is just that she has explained her family is well off and paying for her to live and go to college in the US, and I have seen her collection of designer handbags. If money was an issue she could sell one of them and pay to fix her tooth immediately.

 

So it just seems like she must be scared of the dentist or something. And the longer she waits, most likely the worse it will get (and look).

 

Sounds like she can afford it, so maybe anxiety is her problem? Honestly, maybe I'm being superficial, but this would be a deal breaker for me and I'd want to know why she hasn't had it fixed if she can afford it.

[yankeesfan]

Really touchy subject as many people can't afford dental visits, and hard to even get coverage through an employer these days. Many people are also sensitive about their teeth appearance. She is probably well aware of it, of course, but just can't afford to fix it.

 

I agree, it is a very touchy subject, so I feel really uncomfortable talking to her about it. I guess my next question is: Does it make me superficial or otherwise an awful person if I break up with this girl because she has a rotting tooth and is not doing anything about it even though she has proven to me she has the money to do so.

[RecentChange]

I don't think it's superficial to break up with someone over a hygiene issue.

 

I know I wouldn't be able to kiss someone if they appeared to have an active oral infection

[yankeesfan]

She wants to hang out tonight, but I am kind of not wanting to see her.

 

If I break up with her, should I tell her anything about her teeth, or just not give her any reason and say I just don't want to date her anymore? She says she loves me and stuff, so I'm guessing it will be a tricky breakup without giving her some sort of reason.

[Highndry]

Tough situation. It's one thing to have an aesthetic problem with a tooth like chipped, discolored, missing, etc., but quite another if it is rotting. You are not out of line at all for being troubled by it.

 

It's sad because she says she loves you. She's going to be hurt no matter what you do. The question is: How much do you care for her? If the tooth was fixed, would you then feel great about her? If the tooth was the only issue I had, I would simply tell her I had something important to talk about but I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I would then be honest about the tooth and see about supporting her through the process of getting it fixed.

 

That said, it's NEVER easy to broach this stuff with women as most of the time they are well aware of any physical shortcomings and are loathe to talk about them, and their self esteem can be crushed. My past gf had what I thought was a recurring cold sore on the corner of her mouth and I finally brought it up because I was nervous to kiss her seeing how that's contagious. As gentle as I was about it, she reacted extremely poorly and I paid for that dearly when in fact I don't think I did anything wrong. Proceed with caution.

[RecentChange]

She says she loves you?

 

How do you feel about her? Doesn't sound like you love her. Maybe that disparity is enough to question this relationship.

[basil67]

If it was me, and I really liked them otherwise, I'd raise it with the approach of being concerned for her health. "I've noticed this and I'm a bit worried it might make you sick". Perhaps she simply needs a little bit of support to find a local dentist.

[yankeesfan]

If it was me, and I really liked them otherwise, I'd raise it with the approach of being concerned for her health. "I've noticed this and I'm a bit worried it might make you sick". Perhaps she simply needs a little bit of support to find a local dentist.

 

I think that might be the right approach.

 

She has also lived in this city for 7 years (I've lived in our city for 5 years), so it seems like she should have been more responsible and found herself a dentist.

 

The next thing to consider if I want to talk with her about getting it fixed is that a dental implant can take many months to complete. So if she has to get an implant then she could go several months with a missing tooth, which I think would just be too much for the relationship. I can't honestly tell myself that I would be comfortable introducing a girl with missing teeth to friends or family.

[alphamale]

I've never seen a 21 yr old with bad teeth so i' can't give advice

[Yosemite]

Is it actually rotten or is it stained/discolored? Her breath would be pretty foul if it were rotten and the tooth would most likely be painful for her if it were rotten/infected which makes me think it might be stained.

 

The fact that she’s changed her mannerisms to hide it indicates to me that she’s embarrassed by it so it seems logical that she would fix it if she could. Since money isn’t the reason it hasn’t been fixed, maybe she’s been told by a dentist that there isn’t anything that can be done for it besides a veneer or replacing it with an implant. Maybe those are off the table for some reason.

 

It will be very difficult to bring this up without deeply hurting her feelings.

[FastHands]

Really touchy subject as many people can't afford dental visits, and hard to even get coverage through an employer these days. Many people are also sensitive about their teeth appearance. She is probably well aware of it, of course, but just can't afford to fix it.

 

Surprising how healthcare is pushed and nothing on dental or other areas. I remember one lady in a retail job and she was missing most of her teeth. I was shocked. Toothaches are excruciating pain. I also know the hippocratic oath which most Drs have forgotten while thinking of $$$.

[RecentChange]

.

 

The next thing to consider if I want to talk with her about getting it fixed is that a dental implant can take many months to complete. So if she has to get an implant then she could go several months with a missing tooth, which I think would just be too much for the relationship. I can't honestly tell myself that I would be comfortable introducing a girl with missing teeth to friends or family.

 

Yes and no. You are correct that it can take months, but you do not need to cruise around missing a tooth while it gets worked out.

 

I broke a front tooth in a horse back riding accident - and had to get an implant (well first a bone graft then an implant).

 

They gave me something called a "flipper" it was basically a retainer with a fake tooth attached. This filled the gap between surgeries. In the end I had only one week where I had to be "toothless and ruthless" while things healed.

[dumbass2]

She wants to hang out tonight, but I am kind of not wanting to see her.

 

If I break up with her, should I tell her anything about her teeth, or just not give her any reason and say I just don't want to date her anymore? She says she loves me and stuff, so I'm guessing it will be a tricky breakup without giving her some sort of reason.

 

If you otherwise have a great time with her and can see a future with her, then bring it up in a way that makes you concerned for her health and well being. She can fix it if she wants to, but I think I'd mention it if it was becoming a deal breaker for you and you want to stay together. You can help give her support and go with her to the dentist if she has anxiety about it. Eliminate any excuses she may have and offer full support. If she says no or drags her feet on it, then you did what you could. Can't force someone to do something they don't want. If you did then break up with her, she may reflect back then and see that she needs to take better care of herself because the next man may have an issue with it also.