Miss Spider Posted November 13, 2017 Posted November 13, 2017 I don't think you should avoid dating unless your job search is so stressful you feel you can't focus on anything else, or if you are struggling to make ends meet. If you have enough to see people for the occasional dinner and coffee then go for it. Life doesn't respect your ideal timing. The right person will want to stick by you regardless. (Also, this talk about living off of a single six-figure salary...sure, maybe in Alabama, in 1985.) Depends on where you live, though salaries are adjusted by location. It's quite good here still in Indianapolis. You could easily raise 2 children albeit modestly off 100,000. With a little less than that as a single person I had more than I knew what to do with.
Author Lorenza Posted November 13, 2017 Author Posted November 13, 2017 It's funny how some people think that wanting someone who has their crap together is somehow asking for perfection. Nonsense. There are certain expectations that can and should be met before selecting a partner and everyone has their own wish-list. Don't be unemployed. Check...and reasonable. Don't have exes that are violent/abusive/obstructive around. Check...and reasonable. Don't be in absurd debt b/c you cannot live within your means. Check...and reasonable. Don't live an unhealthy lifestyle. Check...and reasonable. Why should I have to accept your crap?! I shouldn't and won't. I don't bring crap into a relationship, so I am entitled to expect the same. It's not asking for perfection, it's asking for someone who has been and is responsible and compatible. I'm not asking anyone to accept my crap. You're talking as if I'm an unemployed loser who is looking to be a liability, while I specified that I'm studying and changing my job to have a stable one. Guess such outlook answers my question about being looked down on. Most people probably won't even bother to understand it's a state of transition to provide a better life for myself and will just assume I'm not ambitious just cause I don't have lots of money. Thanks simpleNfit, you made me see that clearly.
Blanco Posted November 13, 2017 Posted November 13, 2017 It's about priorities. Most people want the latest iPhone with data plan, new car, nice house, excessive clothing, dining out, expensive hobbies, etc. The reality is, most of it's not needed at all. I know a guy who bought a $500 car and has been driving it for 10 years. He's not impressing people, but he doesn't give a f*** because he's married and has a small child. Most people in this country are financially illiterate. I don't disagree with the final sentence, but that doesn't change that there are places in this country that are wildly expensive to live even if you avoid all of the bells and whistles you mentioned. Aside from that, I like the dual-income household since it ensures that the woman won't have to set her work life on pause for years, slowly becoming less employable with each passing year and making her more dependent on her husband's salary.
Miss Spider Posted November 13, 2017 Posted November 13, 2017 There will always be people who feel that way, L. It's just that person's wish-list, but I assure you it's not on every man's!!!
No_Go Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 Families with SAHM or SAHD can be happy of course, but usually this is a mutual decision in a later point of the relationship (usually it takes at very least 2-3 years from dating to a baby), plus the contribution in a situation like this is very clear. I'd personally be thrilled with a SAHD as a partner (if I can support him and the baby), however, I won't be so thrilled to go through the whole dating ordeal with someone who has his mind preoccupied with ideas about major career switch and constantly worried how to meet ends. I have had a point in my life when I was unstable (low albeit steady salary, unclear in which part of the world I'll land in the next few years), and in that point I made a very conscious choice to completely refrain from dating. Years later, I still think I made a good choice at that time. If that is true then how come the seemingly happiest couples I know are the sahm and the working husband aka nuclear set up? Usually they have a few kids and she's doing some side gig sometimes but otherwise her job taking care of kids. Which is a full time job. He's the main breadwinner. If he makes enough money to support them it's more cost effective to have her stay home than to send them to day care, not to mention better for kids imo 1
Ruby Slippers Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 Loved your post about how it seems so many people are now looking for an employee / economic unit as a dating partner. What a sorry headspace this overbloated capitalist matrix has inflicted upon us all! So many men now ask in the first message or two about my job. How unromantic can you get? I'm in a similar quandary, as I have a health situation that will require surgery soon. I'll be ok, but it's kind of emotional, and I wouldn't want to talk about it to just anyone. I've lost some of my mojo and know I won't really get it back till I'm through this. I've kept my profile up, but I'm only responding to men who seem very solid, worth the effort of giving it a go. Which is fairly rare, by my standards. Do what feels right for you. Intuition never misleads you from yourself and the truth!
Miss Spider Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 People always ask about job, not just prospective romantic partners. One of the first topics out of everyone's mouth is "What do you do?" I almost feel like putting on an air and saying "What don't I do?" It's an annoying question!!! But I suppose it's important. It says a lot about a person and is a good starter because people often identify with their careers a lot. It's important.
Popsicle Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 For what it's worth, I've always attracted more men when I was a complete mess. The worse my situation was and the worse I felt about myself, the more men I attracted and the nicer they were to me. The better I felt about myself and the better my situation was, the less men I attracted and they were mean to me. Make of that what you will. I have no idea why. 2
JuneL Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 Maybe experiencing your bad time allows you to be more vulnerable, which is important for building connection. OP: As long as you don't have to depend on anyone financially, there is no need to hold off dating. For what it's worth, I've always attracted more men when I was a complete mess. The worse my situation was and the worse I felt about myself, the more men I attracted and the nicer they were to me. The better I felt about myself and the better my situation was, the less men I attracted and they were mean to me. Make of that what you will. I have no idea why. 4
Chilli Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 Look , mines in a bit of a mess too , but l dunno. l've never really wasted my time dating anyway just met people , even ex w happened like that. gf later , sadly hasn't worked out but , same , any before l was a married. But l mean you can go on with your thing and sorting stuff out , but still be open to someone very special should they pop up, the rest are a waste of time anyway so think of the hassle you'll be saving yourself.
Miss Spider Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 For what it's worth, I've always attracted more men when I was a complete mess. The worse my situation was and the worse I felt about myself, the more men I attracted and the nicer they were to me. The better I felt about myself and the better my situation was, the less men I attracted and they were mean to me. Make of that what you will. I have no idea why. This has been my experience I think 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 I don't understand this post. Why would a woman who is maybe on the financially challenged end of the scale have "the potential of becoming a liability?" It seems like you're taking on way too much responsibility with a statement like that. As somebody who is debt free, and I do mean ZERO debt, not even rent or mortgage, I prefer somebody who is similar. However, that doesn't mean I would rule out a woman who has some debt or has been struggling. It also doesn't mean I'm going to pay her bills, and she would be a fool to think I would. If she was a sinking ship, I would help her figure out a path to sustainability, which could even include bankruptcy if it were the best course of action, but I don't see her as a burden to my finances, they are separate issues entirely. I have married women with debt. I don't have a problem with debt, in itself, it is the nature of the debt that worries me. Is it responsible debt? No problem.
ShyLove Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 For what it's worth, I've always attracted more men when I was a complete mess. The worse my situation was and the worse I felt about myself, the more men I attracted and the nicer they were to me. The better I felt about myself and the better my situation was, the less men I attracted and they were mean to me. Make of that what you will. I have no idea why. haha I was going to tell OP she will probably attract more men in her current state. A lot of men have the "White Knight" or Hero Complex. We see this all the time in our counseling center. I also have male friends that have admitted they like being the "hero". 1
LurkerXX Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 I am going to say that the operative thing here is time or energy. If you are t a point, or have a point coming up in the near future, where your transition is going to be very time or energy intensive, it certainly will not hurt to hold off on dating. It will allow you to go through this transition more smoothly, and allows you to be more kind to your future self. If you are in for a long transition, and have your plan in place, and things are going reasonable well, why not date if you feel like it? 2
Chilli Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 For what it's worth, I've always attracted more men when I was a complete mess. The worse my situation was and the worse I felt about myself, the more men I attracted and the nicer they were to me. The better I felt about myself and the better my situation was, the less men I attracted and they were mean to me. Make of that what you will. I have no idea why. Ahh that's funny , yeah isn't that just life hey, murphys law. Or the one day you don't bother to have a shower and clean up a bit, just throw on any old crap and to race up to the supermarket or something , End up standing next to some honey or talking or something , feel like shyt, look like shyt . 1
snowboy91 Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 Is it always a bad idea to date and put yourself out there if your life isn't settled? I'm going through major changes - looking for a job in a new field, studying. My economical situation is in complete turmoil right now and I'm quite stressed about my situation. Does it mean I need to put my dating life on hold? I don't feel as closed off to new opportunities as I did before, but I fear that men might look down on me for not having my sh** together yet. Which I'd understand. Should I stay on my own until I fix my life? Might take a while... A bit late to the discussion, but this just looks like a normal student situation. Although you said you're in Scandinavia so I know student life is normally better there than here in Aus, and certainly way better than the US. Anyway my point is: Despite students trying to learn a new field and work their butts off to try and afford rent, they still date. Although usually other students, so neither part of the couple really cares if the date has to be the local noodle shop, the uni bar or cheap movie night. (sometimes I wish I could still get away with that...) I say go for it if that's what you want. The person you date should hopefully understand your situation, and should be focused on you as a person rather than your financial situation. But just be wary of how much time and energy it will take up on your part - as they say, you do you
basil67 Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 It's about priorities. Most people want the latest iPhone with data plan, new car, nice house, excessive clothing, dining out, expensive hobbies, etc. The reality is, most of it's not needed at all. I know a guy who bought a $500 car and has been driving it for 10 years. He's not impressing people, but he doesn't give a f*** because he's married and has a small child. Most people in this country are financially illiterate. I think you're reporting from the bubble which is your socio economic area. In the city where I live, house prices have just topped the $1mill mark. But median income is $100,000pa. It takes many years to save for a 10% deposit and by the time it's achieved, house prices have jumped yet again. Rent prices reflect the cost of housing. We have very little in the way of affordable housing schemes. Sure, one could move out of the city to a rural area, however their lower prices reflect the high unemployment. You can do OK if you're a tradesperson, nurse, teacher or shop assistant, but you need that particular skill set to find work. My husband is an IT specialist and can only find work in large organisations in capital cities. In short, for young people/families starting out, two salaries are very much required. It's not just about wasting money on the new iphone.
basil67 Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 I know I wouldn't mind dating someone in this state of ongoing change, but in Scandinavia everyone is so carrier-minded and expects you to have your life in check. That is someone commonly mentioned on dating profiles: "I'd like to find someone who's done studying and has been working for a few years now". It's like they're looking for an employee. Assuming we're talking about someone who's, say, older than 27 I don't see anything wrong with this. It's not like he's saying that he wants a particular income level - he just wants someone who is able to share his lifestyle with him. Someone who's not caught up in study and who has a job. It's about compatibility.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 (edited) I'm not asking anyone to accept my crap. You're talking as if I'm an unemployed loser who is looking to be a liability, while I specified that I'm studying and changing my job to have a stable one. Guess such outlook answers my question about being looked down on. Most people probably won't even bother to understand it's a state of transition to provide a better life for myself and will just assume I'm not ambitious just cause I don't have lots of money. Thanks simpleNfit, you made me see that clearly. Not sure what you're seeing, but I, in no way suggested that you were a loser. I simply explained why I feel the way I do and how extremes do (often in relationships) pose as liabilities to a healthy relationship. I also did not speak of the degree of ambition. For you to even post such a topic clearly indicates that you are very aware of the pitfalls involved in dating someone who doesn't have their crap together. You heard my side and you hear others. Simple. Loser??? You're projecting. I never suggested that you were. Using adjectives like "turmoil" is hardly a characteristic people would be looking for in a partner. Why would anyone want to be with someone who is in such crisis? Edited November 14, 2017 by simpleNfit
Buriall Posted November 15, 2017 Posted November 15, 2017 are you looking for STATUS? because if making money is your only objective, you will spend rest of your life doing the work you hate only to have status in the society. And thats just STUPID you dont need much to survive. Place to sleep, food to eat and clothing to wear and to me that means im the richest man. Enough is as good as a feast, this is my motto
Vyliss Posted November 15, 2017 Posted November 15, 2017 Don't worry about getting your ducks in a row. As someone else said, life usually gets harder and more stressful the older you get. Besides men don't care if a woman doesn't have her financial situation in order - in fact it's a myth that men care at all about your financial/career situation. Women are the only ones who care about that. What men do care about is that you're working towards something and you have goals/ambitions/dreams. If you come across like you want a free ride, guys will of course be turned off by that. It's more about your personality, how you make men feel, how nurturing/caring and fun you are that matters. You're worth more than what your degree says about you (or bank account) - that's what will make men flock to you. 1
Chilli Posted November 15, 2017 Posted November 15, 2017 Nah ,don't believe the white night thing at least there's no way that's it for me. Women that are use to hard knocks are often far better people and more fun ,even often better looking and dress better too for some reason, or maybe it's just my tastes but whatever. And they can be tough as nails through the hard times too, they aren't gonna run at the drop of a hat like some spoil brat, they'll be right there with ya and have your back. The worst women l've met , life through this is, even back before l was married or since, are the well to do types, pretty well every time. 1
Chris2016 Posted November 15, 2017 Posted November 15, 2017 (edited) Timely thread. I'm in a similar situation. I was recently laid off after 15 years of work. I'm also a struggling guy (can't get dates). I too feel that being unemployed is certainly not going to help. But, being employed didn't help either, so ... If there's a silver lining, I'm focused on finding a job and surviving, and less focused on my struggling no-love life. But, I think I'm going to starting mingling/socializing (meetups?) and exercising again, which I had put on hiatus. Edited November 15, 2017 by Chris2016
Popsicle Posted November 15, 2017 Posted November 15, 2017 Ahh that's funny , yeah isn't that just life hey, murphys law. Or the one day you don't bother to have a shower and clean up a bit, just throw on any old crap and to race up to the supermarket or something , End up standing next to some honey or talking or something , feel like shyt, look like shyt . Haha it's totally Murphy's law! What's sad is that I consider the men that I attract when I'm a complete mess higher quality, but I'm usually in such a horrible mental/emotional state because of my situation that I don't function well in the relationship and all sorts of things go wrong. And then when I'm in a good state/situation, I attract less men and those are of lower quality. Life is so cruel. lol
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