Losing attraction/interest for an over analyzer

[ShyLove]

I have been dating this guy for a little over a month (met online) and I will say he is a very sweet/nice guy, which I actually prioritize over looks. Team nice guy all the way!! haha However, although he is so nice and sweet & although we have similar interests, it has come to the point to where I find it exhausting to talk to him bc he over analyzes EVERYTHING, even if it a joke (obvious jokes at that). There is no just good old light hearted fun conversation bc everything is so tense and serious and its starting to really bother me. At first I just chalked it up to nerves, but I still liked him bc we do talk about interesting subjects.

 

What also bothers me is when he does laugh it is at something that is not even funny, such as when I was describing a point in my life where I was scared bc I was having a health issue. And its not just a chuckle its like a 15 second hysterical laugh (so weird lol) I told him mid story (in a nice way) that it wasn't funny and that it was a scary time in my life so he just stopped but later (he was probably thinking about it all day) back petaled and said he was laughing at the way I was telling the story hmmm lol there have been other similar incidents of the laughing hysterically when nothing is funny but not laughing at a joke and turning that innocent joke into something political and offensive (so backwards lol) so we have that...

 

Then it seems as though he takes everything I say and thinks about it all day to the point where he will send me articles and videos about subjects. One day I said I didn't feel well and him being the over analyzer he is needed to know exactly what was wrong so I told him the truth and said I had cramps haha (I DO like the fact that we are completely honest with each other) so a few hours go by and he sends me articles and youtube videos about cramps and how women view cramps etc...ummm ok

 

Then a few days ago, out of nowhere yesterday he starts sending me videos and articles about my home town. To me I feel like its kind of weird to just sit down and watch videos of a small town ...I think its ok to be curious and research on your own but why send them to me? About 5 videos. I was annoyed but did not tell him so. It just made me think "does he not have anything better to do with his time then sit and research everything I say?" It may sound small but it really is a turn off to me.

 

I really started losing interest when he somehow turned me not liking the vegetables at a restaurant to mean I was losing interest in him LOL wow. He called me back a few hours after eating at the restaurant and asked me if that was the case, even yelling and calling me a liar when I said NO! -again he was probably thinking about it the whole afternoon. Exhausting lol

 

I know this is just his personality but I don't think we are going to mesh well together even though he does plan nice things to do and does let me know he's into me and is very open and honest with me, which I love. But I also want someone who can actually relax ad laugh (when its appropriate) lol He admitted he has been ghosted a lot online and I feel bad but I do understand why.

 

Do I tell him these things or ....? I just feel like I don't want him to change who he is just to date me (which I do think he would really try to change his behavior) but I want him to be himself also. I'm sure someone out there would like it.

 

My friends told me it is what I should expect bc most ppl online are on there bc they are weird, haha...I guess. He is in his 40s like 10 years older than me so I do think his behavior is off or different for his age group.

 

How specific do I get when telling him I don't think this is going to go any further?

[KBob]

I'm no psychologist but it sounds a little like Asperger's.

[smackie9]

I just read the first few sentences. The obvious thing here is, you are not compatible. This is his personality and you find it annoying. This should have been a dealbreaker after the first date...what were you thinking?

[ShyLove]

I'm no psychologist but it sounds a little like Asperger's.

 

Hmmm I have worked with some clients with Asperger's...very interesting. I just chalked it up to him being very smart (has a PHD) and Artsy (bc Artsy ppl area always a little weird and smart and that's why they are able to be so creative) I'll think about this more....you may have a point.I know he has had a rough child hood and has been in therapy previously for a few years but don't know if he has an official diagnosis.

[KBob]

Hmmm I have worked with some clients with Asperger's...very interesting. I just chalked it up to him being very smart (has a PHD) and Artsy (bc Artsy ppl area always a little weird and smart and that's why they are able to be so creative) I'll think about this more....you may have a point.I know he has had a rough child hood and has been in therapy previously for a few years but don't know if he has an official diagnosis.

 

It wouldn't matter either way, your personalities are definitely not going to mesh.

[smackie9]

He wears you down....you can't change that.

[BlueIvy]

I have been dating this guy for a little over a month (met online) and I will say he is a very sweet/nice guy, which I actually prioritize over looks. Team nice guy all the way!! haha However, although he is so nice and sweet & although we have similar interests, it has come to the point to where I find it exhausting to talk to him bc he over analyzes EVERYTHING, even if it a joke (obvious jokes at that). There is no just good old light hearted fun conversation bc everything is so tense and serious and its starting to really bother me. At first I just chalked it up to nerves, but I still liked him bc we do talk about interesting subjects.

 

What also bothers me is when he does laugh it is at something that is not even funny, such as when I was describing a point in my life where I was scared bc I was having a health issue. And its not just a chuckle its like a 15 second hysterical laugh (so weird lol) I told him mid story (in a nice way) that it wasn't funny and that it was a scary time in my life so he just stopped but later (he was probably thinking about it all day) back petaled and said he was laughing at the way I was telling the story hmmm lol there have been other similar incidents of the laughing hysterically when nothing is funny but not laughing at a joke and turning that innocent joke into something political and offensive (so backwards lol) so we have that...

 

Then it seems as though he takes everything I say and thinks about it all day to the point where he will send me articles and videos about subjects. One day I said I didn't feel well and him being the over analyzer he is needed to know exactly what was wrong so I told him the truth and said I had cramps haha (I DO like the fact that we are completely honest with each other) so a few hours go by and he sends me articles and youtube videos about cramps and how women view cramps etc...ummm ok

 

Then a few days ago, out of nowhere yesterday he starts sending me videos and articles about my home town. To me I feel like its kind of weird to just sit down and watch videos of a small town ...I think its ok to be curious and research on your own but why send them to me? About 5 videos. I was annoyed but did not tell him so. It just made me think "does he not have anything better to do with his time then sit and research everything I say?" It may sound small but it really is a turn off to me.

I really started losing interest when he somehow turned me not liking the vegetables at a restaurant to mean I was losing interest in him LOL wow. He called me back a few hours after eating at the restaurant and asked me if that was the case, even yelling and calling me a liar when I said NO! -again he was probably thinking about it the whole afternoon. Exhausting lol

 

I know this is just his personality but I don't think we are going to mesh well together even though he does plan nice things to do and does let me know he's into me and is very open and honest with me, which I love. But I also want someone who can actually relax ad laugh (when its appropriate) lol He admitted he has been ghosted a lot online and I feel bad but I do understand why.

 

Do I tell him these things or ....? I just feel like I don't want him to change who he is just to date me (which I do think he would really try to change his behavior) but I want him to be himself also. I'm sure someone out there would like it.

 

My friends told me it is what I should expect bc most ppl online are on there bc they are weird, haha...I guess. He is in his 40s like 10 years older than me so I do think his behavior is off or different for his age group.

 

How specific do I get when telling him I don't think this is going to go any further?

Just end it, you guys are clearly not compatible. You don't like his personality. What is there to tell him? He can't change who he is.He is who is, like you are who you are.

[Highndry]

I don't think you really need to go into too much detail, just let him know it's not a match for you. I will say you sound like a great gal, and have been very patient with him.

 

When I was reading your story it kind of reminded me of my ex gf and some of the challenges I had with her. She had almost no sense of humor whatsoever, which bothered me. The only time I ever saw her laugh was watching tv, but it was very, very infrequent. She took everything so seriously that it cast a pall over the relationship, and she was the same in that she would overanalyze everything, and personalize things to where I was just begging to move on and forget whatever it was. I'm happy to not have to deal with that anymore, and in hindsight we were a poor match.

[ShyLove]

I don't think you really need to go into too much detail, just let him know it's not a match for you. I will say you sound like a great gal, and have been very patient with him.

 

When I was reading your story it kind of reminded me of my ex gf and some of the challenges I had with her. She had almost no sense of humor whatsoever, which bothered me. The only time I ever saw her laugh was watching tv, but it was very, very infrequent. She took everything so seriously that it cast a pall over the relationship, and she was the same in that she would overanalyze everything, and personalize things to where I was just begging to move on and forget whatever it was. I'm happy to not have to deal with that anymore, and in hindsight we were a poor match.

 

Thank you for the complement And thank you for your answer it was actually very helpful!

[amazonrambo]

I'm no psychologist but it sounds a little like Asperger's.

 

I never quite understood Asperger's properly..

[LadybugLucy]

I, too, thought it sounded like Asperger’s.

 

Can you have a long conversation, face-to-face, and explain to him how you feel about everything? Tell him that you don’t feel comfortable with his constant over-analyzing and almost obsessing about every conversation?

 

This behavior would wear me out, but if I truly liked the guy I would want to at least make it crystal clear that his behavior does not make you comfortable.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

He wears you down....you can't change that.

 

Yes, if he wears you down, there is nothing you can do. He will always over analyze and that behavior will get worse. I dated a guy like that and I couldn't take it anymore after a couple weeks. His neediness, controlling behavior, the need to overanalyze everything and jealousy really got to me. I didn't develop true feelings for him (a total blessing) and something in the back of my mind made me turned from him. The together time wasn't fun and I felt forced. If you feel like this now LEAVE, things will not get better, just worse. He sounds abusive and not healthy for you. Him getting mad about the veggies sounds like something similar. I suffer from a condition and occasionally I take pills that make me sleepy, he thought I was losing interest. He actually thought I was always losing interest.

Edited November 14, 2017 by I'veseenbetterlol

[GemmaUK]

This is wearing you down already.

If you stick around how to you propose to change anything so that it doesn't wear you down?

Will you reduce your sense of humour somehow or learn to equally over analyse?

[ShyLove]

To be clear I already decided before writing this post that I am not interested, I just wanted to know how much I should tell him.

 

And our first two dates (out of 4 or 5) were actually quite enjoyable. He didn't laugh much but I thought it was just nerves and we got to know each other's journeys. He was over analyzing but he was over analyzing his past and how he worked on himself to get over his abandonment and other horrible issues as a child to getting a PhD and becoming quite successful. Working in the psych field that was of interest to me. Actually all of the dates but the last one were pretty fun.

 

However, the behaviors (the videos and vegetables) started in the last two weeks.

 

I realize it was a lot to read so it may have been unclear what question I was actually asking lol Highndry gave the helpful answer.

 

Thanks.

Edited November 14, 2017 by ShyLove

[kendahke]

To be clear I already decided before writing this post that I am not interested, I just wanted to know how much I should tell him. .

 

Don't go into detail. He will over-analyze that. If he keeps pressing for why, then tell him "because I said so"--because answering the why will trigger him to researching why you are wrong and bombarding you with more unwanted literature.

 

He can be a nice guy all day long, but he's not compatible with you. He will age you before your time by wearing you down.

[O'Malley]

Don't go into detail. He will over-analyze that. If he keeps pressing for why, then tell him "because I said so"--because answering the why will trigger him to researching why you are wrong and bombarding you with more unwanted literature.

 

This. I'd also advise you to end things over the phone and be as brief as possible, as he's already yelled at you over reasons that had no grounding in reality. I'm concerned that he might become angry and lash out when you don't agree with his views.