I'm not sure where to go from here

[thelatinking91]

So I'm not entirely sure where to go from here... I'm not sure if anyone can relate to my situation but I'll do my best to describe what I'm going through... I've been having a string of bad relationships due to the fact that I feel like I'm in love with a girl I've never actually dated. We were friends once a long time ago when we were teenagers, but we've actually never dated. What happened was we were introduced to each other by a mutual friend of ours because she was the new girl in our high school, and from there we ate lunch with each other. She was really shy with me, often times turning beat red when we talked and almost always was whispering and her voice was cracking a lot. I thought she was kinda cute, but I wasn't head over heels for her quite yet. She had a protective brother who soon learned that I was hanging out with her quite a bit, but that's not what killed our friendship. She wanted a boyfriend really bad and at the time I just wasn't ready and I declined her offer to be her first boyfriend, which she took huge offense towards since she was very picky on who she wanted to date.. here's where I started to fall for her. We eventually went to different high schools when a new one opened up (I transferred there to be with my best friends) and believe it or not, I wanted to keep contact with her and I tried looking her up to remain friends when I came across various online forums about her.. see she was a blogger who wrote a lot online and is actually a very popular blogger who's name if you looked up, would most likely point to her. I started to read her blogs, and various online journals she kept and I fell in love with her personality. I felt like I made a huge mistake and I wanted to get back into her life. Well, I should have taken the hints that she was very upset towards me and very hurt from being constantly blocked on MySpace when it was big, but nonetheless, I kept trying.. it wasn't until 2010 when we both started college that she finally opened up to me via an online message. She was tormented by the rejection, and felt that I was completely fake and wanted very badly to move on but couldn't if I was in the picture. Instead of revealing that I do love and like her, and the feelings she had were reciprocated, I didn't. I was scared to death that she'd reject me. Well when I tried one last time to get back into her life by starting over as friends it blew up. She was exceedingly upset and actually threatened me. So I messaged her online via Facebook when it started to become a thing that I was deeply sorry that I was gonna do my best to just drop the whole thing and move on. And that's what I tried to do. See I started to date other women, but they never would last because sadly I was longing for it to be with her. These relationships were always doomed, and funny thing if the girl I liked saw me with these girls she would always look hurt and then gossip about who I was with! Eventually she kinda disappeared and after 3 years of virtually no contact, during 2013, I met my current girlfriend. She was at first everything that I've always wanted. I started to feel happy, and I thought I'd move on. Well, I made the mistake of looking up the other girl one day and I realized that I still had deep feelings for her.. and there has been a few times from then until now that I've bumped into her. In an almost sadistic way, I LOVED her negative attention.. just knowing that she looked at me and continues to gossip about me makes my whole day, and even at times, my ENTIRE WEEK! I just can't get over this girl. I've virtually hadn't talked to her in person or online for OVER 7 years! I was devastated when I found out she had gotten married last year because I was determined in finally confessing my feelings to at least get closure, and I couldn't, I didn't want to after that. Feeling this attraction for her has caused me to end my current relationship at least 5-6 times in the 4 years that I've been with my current girlfriend, and has even gotten me to want to seek out what else is there in the world. It sucks! I'm currently seeking counseling in hopes to make a right step in the right direction, but I don't know what else to do. I mean this girl had several things in common with me and at the same time enough differences to make the relationship never boring! I admire her intellect and trust me I had tried focusing on just the negative aspects of her.. I was able to hate her for a little, but I constantly relapse and wish I could be with her again. I think part of me still has some hope due to the fact that despite her getting married to this guy, she still acknowledges me, and would even gossip about me with him... her tone of voice even changes (she actually has a sweet n' soft voice when she's with him and with friends and family but when she notices me, her voice goes into that whispery cracking voice that she had when we had lunch together those many years back). I'm not sure exactly all what to do here.. and I do feel that I owe it to my girlfriend and myself to finally find a way to move on. Thanks for reading and I do hope to hear back from people on here.

[snowboy91]

I hate to burst your bubble, but it's been 7 years, she's now married, and it seems like the last contact you had with her wasn't great. Even if you got in contact with her it's going to be a massive uphill battle to convince her you're not trying to stalk her. Moving on would be the best option here, as hard as it is.

 

If you're seeing counselling talk to them about it and tell them what you feel you need to do.

[d0nnivain]

You need to remind yourself that at best this other girl was a childhood crush. She may forever be the one that got away but you are not in love with her nor is she in love with you. She's married. Game over. Never confess your feelings to her. Close the door to the past with her & concentrate on enjoying your relationship with your GF

[thelatinking91]

Thanks for the responses. I know that she was a childhood crush.. but to be clear, I think I'm more in love with her journals and blogs than I am actually with her. I feel that they enhance her beauty in my eyes knowing all the similarities we do have. I think that's exactly what I plan on telling my counselor and go from there.

[smackie9]

Speaking as a person of someones long time obsession (almost 40 years)......I beg of you to let go and move on. Please forget about her. Christ I have been trying to shake off this guy for decades. What you are doing and how you feel about this girl in not right. Please for the love of god, MOVE ON.

[rickwman]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Honesty and understanding each other's expectations are very central to an honest and trusting relationship. Maybe you are seeing 'red flags' that are warning about your future with her. Seeking a counselor, pastor or minister that can offer you wise and long-term, effective advise is a wise thing to do. Love, respect and enjoy your current girlfriend and stop being double minded about the other girl. If she's in your future let it happen naturally and don't ruin your current relationship in order to hope for another one that might be the one for you. I'll pray and stand with you that your future is bright with the woman that fulfills your needs and if your current girlfriend is the one in your future, God bless you both!