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She slept with someone the night before.

DH123

By DH123
in Dating

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted

sexual desperation/strong thirst. Nothing out of place here.

  • Like 1
sdraw108 Established Member

sdraw108

Posted
Posted
He finds out she slept with another guy and then he decides this is the night to dive in, too? Something is totally suspect with this story.

 

I don't feel like re-reading everything, but I didn't think he said that he slept with her after finding out, just that he found out the same night. Hopefully OP will clarify.

 

And that is not a contract on anything. He wasn't owed. He assumed one thing and got burned.

 

Oh, agreed completely. Which is why I said it's for the OP to decide what he's ok with.

 

But it's also important to understand that there isn't a magical moment in time that you can point to and say "that's when it's a contract, and you're owed monogamy". In reality any such obligation is only ever a moral one, and anyone has the "right" to sleep with whoever they like no matter what (at least in most Western countries). That moral obligation arises at different times for different people and/or circumstances.

 

Yes, the OP is not entitled to expect the girl to not have slept with anyone else. You could even say that for a size-able proportion of people, there wouldn't be an expectation of any moral obligation at such an early stage. On the other hand, the fact that she did does say something about what kind of person she is, and the OP is entitled to view it unfavourably.

 

Personally, once I get an inkling that I like someone, I don't sleep with anyone else, even if I don't know where it's going yet. It just seems distasteful to be sleeping around while there's someone that I know is a potential girlfriend, even if she isn't my girlfriend yet. I prefer to date girls who take the same view. Since there are such girls out there, there's no reason I can't be selective on that point.

 

With that said, the OP is already a significant time into his relationship and thinks he loves her. If I were in those shoes, I would let it go, so long as I knew nothing like that was still going on, and felt comfortable that the relationship has trust.

mortensorchid Established Member

mortensorchid

Posted
Posted

So aside from your sleeping at her house without sex before you were exclusive (which is a separate topic of debate), she was having sex with at least one other person before you were exclusive. She was allowed, you had no claim onto her before you were "going steady".

 

Exactly how did you find out about this? Because if I were in the situation I would not tell my new bf once we were going steady "Oh I had sex with Frank the night before I met you".

HiCrunchy Established Member

HiCrunchy

Posted
Posted

At that point it sounded like the whole thing was pretty much platonic.

 

Nope not true. Courting no matter if it had gone physical or not is not just about sex. There are feelings from both parties and actions that cross the boundary of being solely platonic.

 

Why do you think the term “Emotional Affair” exists.

  • Like 2
HiCrunchy Established Member

HiCrunchy

Posted
Posted (edited)

Also even though she didn't break the "official rules" of the relationship "aka being committed to one another", if you find information out about a significant other that doesn't violate the terms of the relationship, but still makes you uncomfortable being with that person, then I can choose to end that relationship because the person will not longer be the same in your mind

 

OP, you have to determine if you can get past this or if it is something that will continue to cause strain your entire relationship.

 

For example, if I learned my bf had a criminal past for example or if he had a lot of partners and for some reason that made me uncomfortable etc...I can choose to end the relationship even tho they never cheated or have never committed a crime while with me. That is my choice.

 

The situation itself doesn't matter. What matters is your heart op. You have to make a choice.

Edited by HiCrunchy
salparadise Established Member

salparadise

Posted
Posted
Nope not true. Courting no matter if it had gone physical or not is not just about sex. There are feelings from both parties and actions that cross the boundary of being solely platonic.

 

They had been dating for two months. He was investing in a relationship with her and holding off on sex... we don't know precisely why, but the usual reason would be that she was feigning demure, making him prove his willingness to invest before sex. Then she bangs another guy and either tells him or allows him to put two and two together. Anybody who doesn't get it, well, I'd question that person's capacity to empathize.

 

In my previous relationship we deleted the profiles after about a month. We didn't have any exclusivity talk, we just were. After we'd been together a year or more the topics of exclusivity talks came up... in the context of couples needing to officially declare exclusivity (just online dating rules BS). So she said, we never had that talk, did we? I said, no we didn't. And she said, well, do you consider us to be exclusive? I just laughed and kissed her and said, I've never felt more exclusive. She said, me too. I said, so we're going steady then ;) We finished our coffee and headed back to the bedroom. It was nice. Congruent.

 

I wish OP would come back and answer the questions... how did he find out, why did they not have sex before then, and how did sex happen after he found out.

joseb Established Member

joseb

Posted
Posted (edited)
They had been dating for two months. He was investing in a relationship with her and holding off on sex... we don't know precisely why, but the usual reason would be that she was feigning demure, making him prove his willingness to invest before sex. Then she bangs another guy and either tells him or allows him to put two and two together. Anybody who doesn't get it, well, I'd question that person's capacity to empathize.

 

In my previous relationship we deleted the profiles after about a month. We didn't have any exclusivity talk, we just were. After we'd been together a year or more the topics of exclusivity talks came up... in the context of couples needing to officially declare exclusivity (just online dating rules BS). So she said, we never had that talk, did we? I said, no we didn't. And she said, well, do you consider us to be exclusive? I just laughed and kissed her and said, I've never felt more exclusive. She said, me too. I said, so we're going steady then ;) We finished our coffee and headed back to the bedroom. It was nice. Congruent.

 

I wish OP would come back and answer the questions... how did he find out, why did they not have sex before then, and how did sex happen after he found out.

 

I agree with you about the fact there shouldn't really be a need to make an official "exclusive" declaration.

I've never been one for that.

On the other hand, no way I'd sleep in a woman's house I was romanticially interested in and at least not try to bang her. If I did that, I'd be sending mixed messages.

 

It's not clear if he considered they were dating at all at that stage....

"We had sex that night and we started dating after then but it really bothers me that our relationship started like that"

 

I too want to hear back from the op to clarify things.

 

Without a bit more info I'm inclined to leave this thread for now...

Edited by joseb
  • Like 1
TheFinalWord Established Member

TheFinalWord

Posted
Posted (edited)
I started dating a girl and it been a couple months and I think I really love her but every once in a while I think about how it started and it really bothers me and upsets me. So I had been coming over to her house and sleeping with her (not sex just sleep) every other weekend and we talked all the time and we had kissed once. Then I go over to her house and find out that the day before she had just had sex with someone else. We had sex that night and we started dating after then but it really bothers me that our relationship started like that. Why did she do it when i was coming over all the time and talking to her and liked her and kissed her. Did she not care how i felt, she said she didnt want me to find out but i did. This is all new to me and i understand she loves me too and i know a one night stand doesn't mean she doesn't want to be with me and that i shouldn't trust her, i just want to talk about it and hear what people say. Thank you

 

Sometimes I wonder if these threads are real. Just through some contrarian scenario out there to see who bites ;)

 

Yeah, that is weird. Technically, she didn't do anything wrong to you, but it feels bleh. There is something call the letter of the law, but there's also the spirit of the law. I would say she violated the spirit of the intimacy. She shared deep intimacy with two guys, for all intents and purposes, at the same time. Though she shared physical with the other before you. At the same time, you're sleeping at her house like a friend, which is strange to say the least.

Edited by TheFinalWord
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