Lack of Experience

[DanB123]

Hey guys, I am in the early 30's and have never had a girlfriend or even been on a date.

 

Growing up I had many friends and would categorize myself as someone that people enjoyed hanging out with, male and female. I grew up in a household in which my parents showed little emotion with me and never would bring up girls or dating and to this day still have never talked about the subject. In high school I took that as my parents were not accepting of dating at least at that age.

 

In college I was concerned about rejection and while I went out alot with friends I was just always the good friend to girls and nothing more. At that time I was also concerned about what girls would think if I told them I never had a girlfriend and just stayed in the friend zone.

 

After college I went into medical school. As a close-knit class my apprehension about my classmates finding out I still have not been in a relationship and the rumors that would be talked about kept me from pursuing anyone in my class in addition to the rigorous program that kept me from finding girls outside my class. In medical school I was popular and everyone enjoyed hanging out with me. To date, I have never had a girl show interest in me to my knowledge. I consider myself a decently attractive guy and in good shape with a large circle of friends.

 

Another issue is that I live a very transient lifestyle in which I am always moving to a new area in the near future and do not put any effort into dating. Right now I plan on moving to another state within 6 months and see no point in pursuing anyone at this time.

 

My biggest problem is that I do not try to find a girl and focus my time and effort on my career or hobbies. My concern is if I started to date how many girls would show me any interest if I tell them I have never been with a women at my age. While I dont want to generalize, I have a feeling that most girls would reject me immediately. However, I am only getting older and the longer I wait the harder it will be to find someone. Do I not bring up my total lack of experience and hope they never catch on?

 

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated!

 

Thanks

[Imajerk17]

I think you are getting a few steps ahead of yourself. You don't need to tell a woman you just met about your dating history. A lot of people don't even like to hear about exes.

 

Besides, the only way to get past this lack of dating experience that you feel is holding you back is to put yourself out there. Meanwhile I would be willing to guess that there are at least a few women in your social circle who would have happily dated you--inexperience or no, and are bummed that you never made a move.

Edited November 12, 2017 by Imajerk17

[coolheadal]

I did the same thing in my 20s dated in my late teens then stopped in my 20's to focus on my career goals and work. You know when your ready Dan! But remember look around you and make sure you not leaving out anyone who's could be of interest too you. Don't do what I did block and never look back. I now look back so many women smiles and winks..

[healing light]

Hey Dan,

 

I can somewhat relate to this scenario, but I'm a woman. I went on to study Chinese medicine in a 5.5 year program that was very intense, etc. but primarily I didn't make dating a priority because of serious health issues and the few men I liked were unavailable to me in some way. Was also very sociable and well-liked in college, generally perceived as attractive, intelligent, etc. so only a handful of close friends knew how inexperienced I was.

 

I'm 32 and just had sex for the first time yesterday. When I met my boyfriend in late August by chance, I dismissed the idea that anything would develop since I wasn't looking to date (I always had in my mind that I would wait until I was healthier, etc.). But something inside told me to just be open-minded about the possibility of seeing him again and to have fun with it, not to take it too seriously/not put pressure on any outcome. So I decided to see him and not build it up in my mind with the idea that I would reveal my situation gradually when it felt appropriate and be completely upfront about it should he ask me to be in a relationship with him. This is contrary to my open nature of feeling like I need to "confess" everything right away to someone expecting something of me, but I realized that I wouldn't be telling strangers off the street my personal history or health problems so I would let him know when it felt right in terms of the depth and intimacy of our conversations.

 

Anyway, he ended up bringing up the exclusivity talk about date 4 or 5 so I was completely forthcoming over things I had hinted about previously and it didn't phase him in the least. He was surprised because I think people have stereotypical images they conjure up when they hear about virgins or those who haven't been in relationships, etc. But my inexperience was a non-issue for him (prior to him I had last been in a relationship when I was 18). He had already gotten enough of a sense of my personality by that point to feel comfortable in proceeding with me.

 

Before I met him, I had always wanted to be with another guy who didn't have that much experience but knew that was unrealistic at my age. I did know several guys who didn't get into their first relationship or have their first sexual encounter until their late 20s and one until he was around 34. The latter one is now engaged and the other ones I referenced are now married. So, know that there are obviously still women out there that might find your inexperience to be endearing or even desirable. You never know until you put yourself out there.

 

I think it's as big of a deal as you make it. If you are respectful, a good listener, have a sense of humor, etc. a partner will greatly value those qualities over how many women you've had in your bed or in the past. I wouldn't wear it like a big sign or disclaimer on the first date, just casually talk about it when it feels appropriate to you or the level of conversation flows in that direction when you're ready. I wouldn't lie about it, either.

 

Good luck!

[Quagmire243]

I'm 32 and in the same position. Never had a serious relationship. Just a date here and there. All I can do is try to get dates. I'm not going to mention my inexperience. If it shows and she wants someone with more experience, I'll just have to take that experience onto the next one.

[JEG88]

I used to be in a similar situation for a lack of dating/social experience.

 

I am a pretty intense introvert and have had notable social anxiety since I was a kid. It's always been hard for me to develop and sustain social relationships, let alone romantic ones.

 

Not until I joined the workforce after grad school have I really learned by trial and error to be better at socialization and dating. I have a long way to go, yes, and most of my dating experience has been OLD so far.

 

Don't call out your inexperience. Most women will pick up on it without you saying anything. Don't overthink it and just be yourself around women. If they like you, they will work with you.

[Flamblu]

Slow down there. First, experience is unimportant. Every relationship is unexplored and different, and past experience won't do you any good. Just be yourself. If you just want sexual experience, get a hooker lol! Kidding aside, just act normal around the ladies. Ask as many as you can out on dates. Some will, some won't. Don't fret the no's. Happy Hunting!

[act00]

I think your hardship is not being available and local and in the area long-term...transient. That's going to pose a bigger problem than anything. When first dating, an intense history of past dating is not a requirement. If someone pushes and prods, I don't see this as a good sign. The past is the past. No one likes to deal with baggage. You have a good excuse with your intense schooling and the fact you are required to move frequently as a reason you have not had a long-term relationship and little dating. Not being firmly planted in the area with plans to move in six months is the bigger issue.

 

You need roots. It's time to settle to one location and stick. I don't see how you're going to develop anything with a woman if you're going to be moving in 5-6 months. I don't plan on moving. I am planted here, and moving would pose major hardships. I would do it with a stable man with a stable income of whom I am married to, but would not consider even dating someone who is destined to leave, let alone the crapfest of working around his busy schedule.

 

Stabilize your life. If you date, be clear you might be moving to Texas or Germany some six months from now...are you in it? You need roots. At some point you're probably going to have children, and moving household every six months is just unreasonable. Military folks move frequently enough...years, not months...and it's difficult, but these men/women who married into it, know the protocol. But moving every six months is not reasonable. You need to establish yourself and plant some roots.

[Highndry]

You're obviously an amazing guy, you're a doctor for crying out loud. I have huge respect for you and others who attain such lofty goals. I don't think the lack of a serious relationship thus far is a huge issue, it's easily explained by your dedication to your field.

 

That said, if I were you my concern would be the complete lack of any intimacy or sexual experiences. I would focus on trying to date and get comfortable being intimate with women. Kissing, touching, all those little things which lead to sex. You can't get anywhere without those baby steps, and there's going to be a learning curve for you.

[kassy]

I would suggest you start online dating, you're moving in 6 months so just focus for now on going on dates and having fun, and making out, and sex if you want to and the opportunity arises. You aren't too old. And you have reasons for your singleness.

 

Don't focus on it. Don't tell them too soon. And just think after 6 months of dating you'll have covered some of the intimacy stuff and dating stuff. So well on your way to building your confidence to start afresh with fewer hangups when you move.

 

For the right person your lack of experience won't be an issue.

 

Dating a new person is different each time from my experience, so it's always a bit new. Just go get out there and you'll work it out and catch up in no time