My GF of 6 years left me 10 months ago and I still haven`t moved on. Is this normal ?

[jwspark85]

Without going into much detail, my Ex-girlfriend of 6 years left me 10 months ago for someone else (one of her male friends with whom ``she felt a connection``). Despite what she did, I still miss her every day, although I know I should have moved on by now.

 

I followed almost every advise given but am still not able to do so -

I went complete no contact with her, did some travelling (both alone and in a group), I tried to take on some new hoobies , became more physically active (gym) etc....all of this was kind of fun at the beggining but proved to be only a short-term distraction from how I felt/feel.

 

I also socialize when I can, but most of my friends already settled down ,have families and don`t have as much time to hang out as before.

Dating other women got also suggested to me a lot , but this is more easier said than done. I am not very picky, but all women around my age (30y), whom I`m only remotely interrested in are in serious relationships. Dating apps and such didn`t prove to be of much help either.

I feel rather lonely most days and the feeling seems to be getting more intense as months pass by. Don`t want to come off as too desperate, but I thought things will get better If I follow every rule in the book post break-up. At the moment it feels more like the opposite.

 

would appreciate any thoughts

[Highndry]

That's a long relationship and I think it's normal for you to still feel this way. The one woman I loved more than any in my life took me years to get over, probably because of the mistakes I made which led to the demise of the relationship.

 

I think as men, as humans, we have to find happiness in being alone, and everything else will take care of itself. Good luck.

[whatnot]

It took 2 years before I was really ready to date after my divorce in '06 (about a ten year relationship)

 

This last relationship....(6 years)....it's been a year and a half. And i'm just now getting lonely enough to where I'm willing to move

 

throw (your) calendar out the window ... you're fine (or you *will* be:))

[chinadiary]

I feel the same way. I don't have any advice I'm afraid. Wish I did. I'd take it myself.

[Raena]

It can take a long time to settle into being single and enjoying it. Give yourself a break, it hasn't been a year yet, you are still finding your way. It took me almost 3 years being single before I realized that I actually enjoy it. The first year I went over the top doing the things you are supposed to do, the second year I relaxed a little and the third year I realized I am just as happy being normal me, I don't have to go do anything extreme to be happy. Now I do things for me, not because I'm trying to heal. You'll get there.

 

I will say it's good to foster friendships, keep in touch with your friends, even if it may be awkward at first.

[Beachead]

Without going into much detail, my Ex-girlfriend of 6 years left me 10 months ago for someone else (one of her male friends with whom ``she felt a connection``). Despite what she did, I still miss her every day, although I know I should have moved on by now.

 

I followed almost every advise given but am still not able to do so -

I went complete no contact with her, did some travelling (both alone and in a group), I tried to take on some new hoobies , became more physically active (gym) etc....all of this was kind of fun at the beggining but proved to be only a short-term distraction from how I felt/feel.

 

I also socialize when I can, but most of my friends already settled down ,have families and don`t have as much time to hang out as before.

Dating other women got also suggested to me a lot , but this is more easier said than done. I am not very picky, but all women around my age (30y), whom I`m only remotely interrested in are in serious relationships. Dating apps and such didn`t prove to be of much help either.

I feel rather lonely most days and the feeling seems to be getting more intense as months pass by. Don`t want to come off as too desperate, but I thought things will get better If I follow every rule in the book post break-up. At the moment it feels more like the opposite.

 

would appreciate any thoughts

 

Hey OP. I don't really have concrete advice for you but I can share and empathize with you as a man.

 

I'd say it's pretty normal to me. It was a long relationship that obviously meant the world to you. How do you just let go and move on like that? It will take time.

 

I'm 30 myself. I concur that many women our age are married, engaged and in serious relationships. I tried online dating for a short period of time but as you mentioned, it wasn't much help for me either. When I was in my early 20's, I though I'd atleast be in a committed relationship by now..but that never happened. In fact nothing went my way in this department and in other parts of life.

 

So personally, I am kind of at a crossroads in my life. I don't have answers. But as HighnDry said, I have found that being good on my own is what makes the most sense given my situation. It sounds depresing but I abandoned hope and let go of the possibility of love. In my mind, I won't see it in this lifetime. This way, I have no expectations. Minimal disappointment. And it got me to ask the question...now what? What do I want to do with my life? Who are the most important people in my world? And how can I make a mark in their lives?

 

Again, that's just my personal plan.

 

Hope that helped.

Edited November 12, 2017 by Beachead

[jwspark85]

That's a long relationship and I think it's normal for you to still feel this way. The one woman I loved more than any in my life took me years to get over, probably because of the mistakes I made which led to the demise of the relationship.

 

I think as men, as humans, we have to find happiness in being alone, and everything else will take care of itself. Good luck.

 

The years of getting over her is kind of what I am worried about. I also feel a lot of regret, guilt not necessarily for the things I did but more for the things I didn`t.

I keep telling to myself that If I had done more she wouldn`t have left and fallen for the other guy.

[stillafool]

After a 6 year relationship it will take a long time to get over it if you weren't the dumper. Maybe 2-1/2 years.

[HumanMachine]

Took me a year to get over my 5y rship. I went for a drink with someone one day and they just blew my mind, completely forgot about my then ex.

 

Keep going, you really don’t know what’s round the corner.

[jwspark85]

Thank you all for your comments, really appreciate the support.

 

Its been almost a year but without exaggeration it feels to me like the break up happened a month ago.

 

Its also difficult to find someone im my social circle who would understand what

I am going through. None of my friends/family members ever went through a long term relationship break up let alone experienced being dumped for someone else, so they can`t seem to grasp how I am still not over her ``after all those months``.So, after a while I stopped mentinioning anything related to the break-up or to my ex and now I just keep pretending I am OK.

[littlesquirrel]

You need your time, don't try rushing things, keep doing what makes you happy and if you'll meet someone who's worth your attention - go for it. We all are different, what works for me, doesn't have to work for you, right? You need to learn to be with yourself. You don't need a woman to be happy.

 

My relationship is a mess right now and yes - it hurts, but what hurts the most? A thought that you lost her or the thought of being alone (lonely)?

[SevenCity]

Took me a year to get over my 5y rship. I went for a drink with someone one day and they just blew my mind, completely forgot about my then ex.

 

Keep going, you really don’t know what’s round the corner.

 

That's the solution. You have to find someone better.

 

I fully agree you need to be ok with being alone but the true healing will only happen when you find a replacement. Only then will you move on.

 

I'm about 13 months from when my ex of 7 years left me and it still sucks but I've been dating a lot looking for something better. Hasn't happened yet, but I've had some nice distractions along the way.

 

As more time passes your feelings for them will weaken but until you find someone better you won't be healed. Many times I wanted to give up looking but I keep pushing through.

[Maldives]

Without going into much detail, my Ex-girlfriend of 6 years left me 10 months ago for someone else (one of her male friends with whom ``she felt a connection``). Despite what she did, I still miss her every day, although I know I should have moved on by now.

 

I followed almost every advise given but am still not able to do so -

I went complete no contact with her, did some travelling (both alone and in a group), I tried to take on some new hoobies , became more physically active (gym) etc....all of this was kind of fun at the beggining but proved to be only a short-term distraction from how I felt/feel.

 

I also socialize when I can, but most of my friends already settled down ,have families and don`t have as much time to hang out as before.

Dating other women got also suggested to me a lot , but this is more easier said than done. I am not very picky, but all women around my age (30y), whom I`m only remotely interrested in are in serious relationships. Dating apps and such didn`t prove to be of much help either.

I feel rather lonely most days and the feeling seems to be getting more intense as months pass by. Don`t want to come off as too desperate, but I thought things will get better If I follow every rule in the book post break-up. At the moment it feels more like the opposite.

 

would appreciate any thoughts

 

I too was in a 6 yr relationship broken up now 1 yr on. no joke I was where u were at till I took a vacation overseas and totally forgot about her even though we work together. that's been my main problem moving on.

 

I think I realised u need something to jolt u out of ur funk or u can as I've experienced take yrs to forget someone. it also sometimes helps if u find someone else u have feelings fbgor but the trip really did it for me. am I completely over her? probably not but I can tell u this much it greatly jolted me and pushed me out of the compulsive thinking part. try a holiday particularly to Thailand if u can or an Asian country u will be spoiled for choice by the beautiful woman but more so I think the distance away helps distance u away from her and the feelings no joke try it.

[Maldives]

The years of getting over her is kind of what I am worried about. I also feel a lot of regret, guilt not necessarily for the things I did but more for the things I didn`t.

I keep telling to myself that If I had done more she wouldn`t have left and fallen for the other guy.

 

that's a bunch of baloney dude don't beat yourself up. I bet if you really think hard about this she probably didn't really communicate her needs that well. I'm gonna take a guess she was just waiting hanging in there till someone else came along

that's the real reason she left. she didn't wanna work at the relationship and took the easy way out trust me on this aloit of woman do this as a survival tactic. my last ex was the same I was confused for months how suddenly she was just able to do a 180 it was another guy I found out in the end that kind of overlapped wth us. don't believe the bull**** they feed u about it all being ur fault it's much more involved and layered than that. it's usually the two of u that contribute to the demise of a relationship not just u. that's just her way off offloading her guilt for the way she left u. don't buy into there bs please. u seem like a decent guy who is aware of his own faults and shortcomings. if I was to take a guess I bet she never took blame for anything. please don't beat yourself up. it's not the reality of ur breakup please believe me I been thru it many times and was u a long time ago.

[Chi townD]

Dude you invested 6 YEARS into a girl. Yeah! It's going to take a hell of a lot more time to heal up from that versus some guy getting dump from a 6 month relationship.

 

You should be doing NO CONTACT. But! You should be doing NC with making positive changes in your life. That's going to heal you up faster.

[RocketQueen]

I'm female but I don't think heartbreak discriminates

 

I was with my ex for almost 6 years and it took me two years and two weeks to finally have that lightbulb moment and it came as as much of a surprise to me as the break up. It just happened. Something clicked.

 

Try not to over think how long it has been, easy to say, hard to do, I know.

 

It is now almost 3 years and I couldn't be happier. Still single but content.

 

Hang in there. It does get better.

[Jsos91]

If she's leaving you for someone else then it is 100% HER issue and not yours. She will never be totally happy with someone until she can face herself and her demons so I can almost guarantee that this relationship will probably follow the same pattern yours has.

 

Im about 6 months out of being left for someone else but I haven't for a second, blamed myself. I simply reversed things and thought if I was unhappy with her, would it drive me into the arms of someone else? the answer is immediately no, I would have the wherewithal to work it out with my partner and work as a team to fix the issue. If she cant, or won't do that, then she has an issue bigger than the relationship or, she was never as invested as you thought she was.

 

You're not abnormal in your feelings right now, just let them come and go naturally. Don't beat yourself up though, you will find someone who feels about you, the way you felt about her.

[Downanddown]

Hey brother,

 

I am 4 months out of a 6.5 year relationship.

I feel your pain man. I really do.

Not only did I lose the girl i loved but her 2 step kids who I loved like my own as well.

She left me to go back to her ex husband.

Hang in there man. There is light at the end of the tunnel. It's a long journey but you will get there.

Stop the self blame. Everyone makes mistakes!

For me. I focus on the terrible things she did in our relationship and there A LOT. Dig deep , find things that really made you mad. They are there. Trust me.

 

Keep moving forward. Life goes on after a breakup. Just remember that.

[ayoung73]

It’s normal to still have feelings and desires about this person, she obviously meant a great deal to you and you were and aren’t ready to move on. The first woman I loved was Jill Thompson, we dated for five years, 8 if you count the off and on again portion where I had hoped she would commit to a deeper relationship. I loved her for a long time and was the reason many of my relationships after her failed. Even 20 plus years later, I think of her now and then with fondness – so it is not uncommon, however, you do need to commit yourself to moving on.

 

Finding another woman isn’t the answer, comparing yourself to your friends or other people isn’t fair, everyone has a different life path, circumstances vary, and it sounds like have things to work on. Live by yourself, you feel lonely because you believe you should be settled down and you didn’t want your relationship to end. Focus on yourself, get you together, get into shape, join a club, if you’re religious – join a small group, talk to your pastor, find a new hobby…something other than your ex.

 

I’ve been married for 16 years, my mother died two years ago, which meant I had to go home. The word got around and I got a call from Jill and she asked me to meet her for a drink, I did. We talked, and as I looked at her beautiful face I realized this, I will always have a soft spot for this woman, but I didn’t love her anymore, I felt an overwhelming love for my wife and our life we had built. I say this as an example of hope, had I clung to this woman’s memory I would have never accomplished the things in my life, and I never would have met my wonderful wife…who, by the way, I married at 34, had my first child at 36! Don’t box yourself in, you are unique and will find the woman who compliments your walk! Keep talking and reaching out, I am praying for you!

[jwspark85]

thinking about the months that passed I guess its a combination of things, which made it harder for me to come to terms with what happened.

 

First of this was the only long term relationship I ever had. I had some short ones before that but nothing really worth talking about. So, sometimes I wish I had gone through this in my 20s, at least to prove that I could rebound.

 

This is also somewhat linked to my social life, which is very different from what it used to be a year ago. By pure coincidence I had several of my friends leave the city I live in for various unrelated reasons. The ones I have left, as I mentioned already, understandably dont have much time to spend hanging out with their single friend due to settling down and related responsibilities. There were also other couples, which me and my ex used to hang out with, but who basically broke contact following our break-up .

So, in a year I went from a quite busy social life to an almost I am legend type of existence. All is not bad, but you just dont get to meet or spend as much quality time with people to make up for the appartment which is half-empty.

 

Anyway, thanks for the advise. I know I probably have to be more patient, do my best and hope things will turn for the better.

[sdraw108]

I simply reversed things and thought if I was unhappy with her, would it drive me into the arms of someone else? the answer is immediately no, I would have the wherewithal to work it out with my partner and work as a team to fix the issue.

 

I completely agree with this. People who break up because they've already found someone else are toxic and broken and ultimately you should be glad that you were given the gift of having the relationship end. It's a totally self-centered and selfish act, that enables the dumper to have an easy transition period while they swap their feelings for you for feelings for the other person, whilst causing maximum suffering to the dumpee. You need to ask, what kind of person would do that to someone they love? I personally wouldn't treat my enemies like that, nevermind my loved ones.

 

I'm in a similar situation. My girlfriend of 4 1/2 years left the country last week to be with someone she'd been cheating on me with for 3 months. Obviously I'm still in the very early stages of grief and pain, but I remind myself that someone who is capable of that is not someone I want to build a future with. I am thankful that this happened without us being married or having children together.

[tks]

I am in a very similar situation as well. I dated a girl for about six and a half years and she left me for someone else. I still struggle at times with the situation. However I am so grateful that this happened now before we got married or had kids. Then it would have made it that much harder for me to get over it. What you have to realize is that this was going to happen eventually.

 

With that being said I still feel guilty for some reason. Is there something more that I could have done to fix this. I still always wonder what if. And I usually wind up with, there was nothing I could have done. The issue is not with you. It was with her. Any girl with respect is not going to have a new relationship set up prior to leaving you. She was planning this while she was dating you. And that is what hurts. While you are putting in the effort to fix the relationship she was forming one with someone else. You have to eventually realize that this is not a person you want to be with. You must have more respect for yourself.

 

Really time is the only thing that can help you heal. Since my breakup over a year ago I have done so much traveling and reconnected with old friends. This really helps and let's you to form new relationships. I am closer with my family now more than ever before. I also started dating again. The girl I am now dating neither one of us wanted to enter a relationship. We weren't looking for one and we were both very cautious. But at the end of the day we do what it takes to make each other happy.

 

6 Years is a long time. You're still sorting everything out. Just know things will work out for you. Focus on yourself and learn to be a little selfish for once.