Oonagh Posted November 12, 2017 Posted November 12, 2017 I've been seeing this guy since August. We really like each other, but our styles of making arrangements are so vastly different that it's starting to threaten the relationship. We're both late 30s. I'm a very organised person (but not to the point of really being anal about it). He is very laid-back, self-employed and he also smokes weed most evenings (I think the weed might be pretty relevant). Anyway, when he asks me when we can next meet up (or I ask him), a typical response from me would be: “I'm free on Friday night, wanna do something then?” His response will typically be: “Yeah, that's perfect.” Closer to Friday (say the night before) he will then suggest we see how our days are going and figure out on Friday itself whether to meet up or not. Then what invariably happens is he will probably call around 4 or 5pm Friday to confirm he wants to meet up, by which time I may well have made other plans. Then he gets really upset. Most recently he almost hung up the phone on me because he was so annoyed. The other thing he does is call me on any particular day around 6pm and say “wanna meet up?” He means like meet up right now. If I am free then sure that's fine. But 9 times out of 10 I've already got plans by then. So again he gets really upset and feels rejected. If he simply made arrangements and stuck to them I'd keep the time free for him. This past weekend he said “let's meet up either Friday or Saturday. Let's play it by ear.” I actually kept Friday night free for him, but he didn't make contact, so I ended up doing nothing on Friday. So I made sure to make plans for Saturday rather than sit around waiting to see if he wanted to meet up or not. As it turned out he did want to meet Saturday and was upset when I already had plans. I'd understand this more if he wasn't into me or if he was seeing somebody else, but he's not. He actually considers this a normal way to communicate and handle a relationship (he's a friend of my brother so I know a fair bit about his relationship history etc). Can this even work?
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 12, 2017 Posted November 12, 2017 Either his weed is affecting him or he is seeing other women. If the other wom(a)(e)n falls through, then he contacts you. YOU ARE NOT HIS FIRST CHOICE, if so.
carhill Posted November 12, 2017 Posted November 12, 2017 It might work for casual association whenever the stars align for a particular social encounter but I doubt it will for any sort of consistent intimate relationship. Your styles regarding time and personal scheduling and communication seem to be too different. If he's an otherwise good time, you can relegate him to the last minute I feel like going out list. Give him a shot when his name crosses your mind.
Author Oonagh Posted November 12, 2017 Author Posted November 12, 2017 Either his weed is affecting him or he is seeing other women. If the other wom(a)(e)n falls through, then he contacts you. YOU ARE NOT HIS FIRST CHOICE, if so. There aren't other women (unless you count the weed as his side chick). This is what he is like. He tries to arrange dates about 3 to 4 x per week, but always with v little notice. He thinks I'm overly organised but I disagree.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 12, 2017 Posted November 12, 2017 There aren't other women (unless you count the weed as his side chick). This is what he is like. He tries to arrange dates about 3 to 4 x per week, but always with v little notice. He thinks I'm overly organised but I disagree. You two are not compatible. Period. His weed has control over him. If he is naturally laid back, the cannabis isn't helping him and he may very well be addicted to his relationship with the weed (the other woman). 1
Author Oonagh Posted November 12, 2017 Author Posted November 12, 2017 You two are not compatible. Period. His weed has control over him. If he is naturally laid back, the cannabis isn't helping him and he may very well be addicted to his relationship with the weed (the other woman). Yeah, it's definitely becoming a problem. I'm taking a long, hard look at myself to see if I'm being overly rigid about making plans. Perhaps a tiny bit. But I hate constant uncertainty and not knowing what I'm doing from one day to the next It's a shame, because I like him a lot
Highndry Posted November 12, 2017 Posted November 12, 2017 This seems like the most basic problem to solve. You simply tell him that if you are to get together, the plans need to be firm several days beforehand because you're not just going to wait around on him and it's obviously causing an issue for him when you have already made other plans. If he wants to be the plan, he needs to commit to it earlier. This is basic human communications 101, not something difficult by any means. 3
kendahke Posted November 12, 2017 Posted November 12, 2017 Yeah, it's definitely becoming a problem. I'm taking a long, hard look at myself to see if I'm being overly rigid about making plans. Perhaps a tiny bit. But I hate constant uncertainty and not knowing what I'm doing from one day to the next It's a shame, because I like him a lot then try to move off of your rigidity for a month and see what results you get then. 1
Author Oonagh Posted November 12, 2017 Author Posted November 12, 2017 After Friday and Saturday's fail I texted him saying that of course I can't wait to see him again (he'd sounded really upset) but that when he doesn't firm up plans until the last minute I'm v likely to have made other plans. I sent this text at 6pm ish. He immediately texted back with: "How about we get together this evening then. In about an hour x" Sigh.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 12, 2017 Posted November 12, 2017 (edited) Anyway, when he asks me when we can next meet up (or I ask him), a typical response from me would be: “I'm free on Friday night, wanna do something then?” His response will typically be: “Yeah, that's perfect.” Closer to Friday (say the night before) he will then suggest we see how our days are going and figure out on Friday itself whether to meet up or not. Then what invariably happens is he will probably call around 4 or 5pm Friday to confirm he wants to meet up, by which time I may well have made other plans. Then he gets really upset. Most recently he almost hung up the phone on me because he was so annoyed. The other thing he does is call me on any particular day around 6pm and say “wanna meet up?” He means like meet up right now. If I am free then sure that's fine. But 9 times out of 10 I've already got plans by then. So again he gets really upset and feels rejected. If he simply made arrangements and stuck to them I'd keep the time free for him. This past weekend he said “let's meet up either Friday or Saturday. Let's play it by ear.” I actually kept Friday night free for him, but he didn't make contact, so I ended up doing nothing on Friday. So I made sure to make plans for Saturday rather than sit around waiting to see if he wanted to meet up or not. As it turned out he did want to meet Saturday and was upset when I already had plans. I'm sorry, but you are not being too rigid. He is being inconsiderate of your time. Being laid back...what he is doing is asking you to value his timetable and disregard yours. You cannot continue holding off on your plans only for him to change w/o proper notice and at his private whim. His time is not the only time that is valuable. He's asking you to abandon your daily life and expectations so that he can be 'laid back.' I don't consider this simply being laid back. Spontaneity at times is great, but he is putting you on 'hold' w/o any guarantees of action. Edited November 12, 2017 by simpleNfit 1
Author Oonagh Posted November 12, 2017 Author Posted November 12, 2017 I can't remember if I mentioned that he is an old friend of my brother? Anyway, my brother has filled me in on this guy's dating history etc. From what I've learned he has previously tended to date women who are attractive but have no particular career or life plan. He doesn't seem to fully grasp the concept of somebody having a very organised productive life. I've noticed a couple other things as well. I'm really into healthy food and regularly going to the farmers market and so on. He once asked: "So is the food you cook from the farmers market and organic and healthy and stuff?" Why would I be buying loads of food from the farmers market if not to cook it? For decoration? On another occasion he was complimenting me on my furniture. I have nice furniture but we're not talking priceless antiques. He kept asking about it and then asked if it had come with the apartment when I moved on. When I said that no I went out and bought it and paid for it he looked impressed but really taken aback.
act00 Posted November 12, 2017 Posted November 12, 2017 This guy is a fly by the seat of your pants kind of guy. Outside of showing up for work on time (I hope), he doesn't do much. If you can't nail down a time, and you are not important enough to get a defined time, don't waste your time. He can get mad all he wants, but he is pretty much suffering the consequences of his own actions. Until he finds a girl who can be available upon his whim, he's going to be met with this disappointment when women stop waiting and go about their business. Keep doing what you're doing...live your life. If this last-minute planning works for you, okay, but since it's about the only time you get to see him, again, I see no point pursuing this if the only time you get to see him is when you pop up as an afterthought. It's worse when defined plans turn into a maybe. You're concerned about his weed consumption and he's in awe that you actually own your own furniture...is he 19? (yes I see you stated his age) He sounds a bit immature all the way around. I don't think you should keep him. He seems more a child you have to train than an adult.
coolheadal Posted November 12, 2017 Posted November 12, 2017 Yeah, it's definitely becoming a problem. I'm taking a long, hard look at myself to see if I'm being overly rigid about making plans. Perhaps a tiny bit. But I hate constant uncertainty and not knowing what I'm doing from one day to the next It's a shame, because I like him a lot Once you two move in together most of this will stop. Weed is his thing, I am not judgmental and I see your not. I just don't allow it to be smoked in my SUV or house. Got to do that outside not around me. It's a nasty smell, I don't like it, but I will not stop anyone from doing it. Oh yes he's into you 100% not seeing anyone.. He wants to be with you too much I hope you can tell?
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