Sbla22 Posted November 12, 2017 Posted November 12, 2017 I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 5 months (both 26) Although that could be considered a short space of time a lot happened in that period; we said we loved each other, she gave me the keys to her new house. I met her family and stayed with them for a weekend. We went on a trip together. But we broke up because ultimately we were not compatible - she was still very friendly with her ex boyfriend and other guys and I didn't think she kept good enough boundaries. She was also unwilling to compromise on some of her hobbies - choosing to never put me as a priority and our work schedules conflicted a lot, compounding everything. Ultimately I felt like I put way more effort into the relationship than she did, but it was her that pulled the plug and I think that was because I feared being alone again which I know is a result of my anxiety and self esteem. We broke up last week and I'm trying to get my life in order a bit. I know there is no point being with someone who doesn't love you fully and isn't as invested as you are but it still hurts. I feel like my life has just gone back to reset mode. All the plans I had with her are gone and it's left me wondering what to do. I have a great family and a good job but I don't have many friends. My closest ones moved away but I still see them every so often. So I decided to try and improve my life situation because I feel like this has been a common thing in my last 3 relationships spanning just over a year. I have had 3 relationships of some sort from OLD in the last year. Girl 1: lasted 5 months, she was very insecure (more than me!) and would accuse me of all sorts if I went on Whatsapp for even 10 seconds without talking to her on it...we were never very serious. I broke up with her. Girl 2: lasted 3 months. We were very compatible; same profession, same interests but we didn't have that sexual chemistry and she said I felt like more of a friend in the end which was fair. She broke up with me. Girl 3: this was the girl I broke up with last week. Lasted 5 months. I did love her and would have done anything for her - good sexual chemistry. But emotionally she was never much good, very closed off at times and didn't feel she was ever as invested in the relationship as me. She broke up with me. ---------- Since the last break up I have been going the gym more which has improved my mental health and I have seen a friend for drinks etc so kept fairly busy. I was debating whether getting back into OLD so soon was a good or bad thing. I joined Tinder and POF again as those are the sites I met those 3 girls on. So far I'm not having much success but I know it's been a short span of time. I'm being way more selective with who I swipe to on Tinder and who I message on POF. I do not want to enter a relationship unless It is right for me this time. I can't waste any more time forcing a relationship that isn't right. My worry is that I get so invested in the relationship that when it crumbles I am left with a massive gaping hole. So I have decided that I am going to seriously find my own place to live. I know living at home still at 26 is definitely not the most attractive thing for a lot of girls. I have joined a meet up app and am going to try meet new people and widen my social group as I think this has been a problem for me - I have relied so much on who I am with relationship wise for everything. I have also signed up for a speed dating event in a couple of weeks - never done it before but I'll give it a try. Just wondering if I'm doing the right thing after this break up? I feel like I need to improve myself or I'm going to end up back here again whoever I go out with. Also wondering if I should try a paid dating site? But don't want to waste my money if they're as unreliable as non paid ones.
lovephule Posted November 12, 2017 Posted November 12, 2017 I'd get my own place before paying for a dating service. 1
Versacehottie Posted November 12, 2017 Posted November 12, 2017 I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 5 months (both 26) Although that could be considered a short space of time a lot happened in that period; we said we loved each other, she gave me the keys to her new house. I met her family and stayed with them for a weekend. We went on a trip together. But we broke up because ultimately we were not compatible - she was still very friendly with her ex boyfriend and other guys and I didn't think she kept good enough boundaries. She was also unwilling to compromise on some of her hobbies - choosing to never put me as a priority and our work schedules conflicted a lot, compounding everything. Ultimately I felt like I put way more effort into the relationship than she did, but it was her that pulled the plug and I think that was because I feared being alone again which I know is a result of my anxiety and self esteem. We broke up last week and I'm trying to get my life in order a bit. I know there is no point being with someone who doesn't love you fully and isn't as invested as you are but it still hurts. I feel like my life has just gone back to reset mode. All the plans I had with her are gone and it's left me wondering what to do. I have a great family and a good job but I don't have many friends. My closest ones moved away but I still see them every so often. So I decided to try and improve my life situation because I feel like this has been a common thing in my last 3 relationships spanning just over a year. I have had 3 relationships of some sort from OLD in the last year. Girl 1: lasted 5 months, she was very insecure (more than me!) and would accuse me of all sorts if I went on Whatsapp for even 10 seconds without talking to her on it...we were never very serious. I broke up with her. Girl 2: lasted 3 months. We were very compatible; same profession, same interests but we didn't have that sexual chemistry and she said I felt like more of a friend in the end which was fair. She broke up with me. Girl 3: this was the girl I broke up with last week. Lasted 5 months. I did love her and would have done anything for her - good sexual chemistry. But emotionally she was never much good, very closed off at times and didn't feel she was ever as invested in the relationship as me. She broke up with me. ---------- Since the last break up I have been going the gym more which has improved my mental health and I have seen a friend for drinks etc so kept fairly busy. I was debating whether getting back into OLD so soon was a good or bad thing. I joined Tinder and POF again as those are the sites I met those 3 girls on. So far I'm not having much success but I know it's been a short span of time. I'm being way more selective with who I swipe to on Tinder and who I message on POF. I do not want to enter a relationship unless It is right for me this time. I can't waste any more time forcing a relationship that isn't right. My worry is that I get so invested in the relationship that when it crumbles I am left with a massive gaping hole. So I have decided that I am going to seriously find my own place to live. I know living at home still at 26 is definitely not the most attractive thing for a lot of girls. I have joined a meet up app and am going to try meet new people and widen my social group as I think this has been a problem for me - I have relied so much on who I am with relationship wise for everything. I have also signed up for a speed dating event in a couple of weeks - never done it before but I'll give it a try. Just wondering if I'm doing the right thing after this break up? I feel like I need to improve myself or I'm going to end up back here again whoever I go out with. Also wondering if I should try a paid dating site? But don't want to waste my money if they're as unreliable as non paid ones. Well you sound like you are doing pretty well/decent for what you have gone through and the time frame (1 week). I'm glad you are working out/exercising. That's one of the best things you can do. Bolded: reset mode is a good thing. When I read your post, I see many ways that you are open to exploring and changing things up--that's growth and you will benefit from it. Also calling it "reset" signifies getting yourself back to a neutral place and then a happy place with a better life in place so you can be more successful as a whole person (in happiness, in other things) which will lead you in the right direction. Personally, I think making new real friends should be a top priority. You mention insecurity and sounds like there is clinginess involved in these past relationships. If you have a busy and full life and other close people in it (peers, close friends), you will round out your life and be less dependent, i.e. less insecure and anxious, when your next relationship comes around. Also it makes you more attractive to other people. If a guy has little going on in his social life but his new gf, that puts you at a disadvantage already. Personally, I think it's a little early to get right back on the dating apps. Mainly because of how you will characterize those interactions and if there is a chance that you will continue to see interactions that don't work out with success in a classic sense, you might likely see yourself as a dating failure, especially if you are a sensitive person who can't do casual. Plus the base of your own life (not involving people you are dating) hasn't changed yet. Put those changes in place: place to live on your own, some new friends, more new hobbies--all of which require effort and your time, money, energy is finite. And when your self-esteem is truly built up a bit more and some things have changed for you then put yourself out there for dating. I'd say 3 months approximately--depends on how hard you work on getting your other stuff in order. You need to feel like you have more to offer a person in a relationship than just your desire to be with them. To the other person, this can feel smothering. Anyway, if you were truly in love with your most recent ex, you probably won't be in the best headspace to date. Goodluck 1
Els Posted November 26, 2017 Posted November 26, 2017 I would strongly recommend that you focus on getting your own place. If you have a good job, what is holding you back? Is there an ill family member that you need to care for?
mortensorchid Posted November 26, 2017 Posted November 26, 2017 Keep moving forward (going to work out, get your own place, work on your job/career, see others, etc.), but don't join a dating service and don't attempt to get back with her. You are ripe picking for a rebound relationship and you need to readjust to being alone for a bit - at least a year or so. Also, why did you break up with this woman? If you want to share that is. Or did she break up with you?
kendahke Posted November 26, 2017 Posted November 26, 2017 I was debating whether getting back into OLD so soon was a good or bad thing. No. Because you are on those sites for all the wrong reasons and you're going to attract all the wrong women because of that. You're still fragmented from this break up--your laundry list proves that. You need to get those issues resolved first before going on a dating site at the wrong time only to attract the wrong women and being stuck in the emotional mire because you're rushing into something to keep from being alone. My worry is that I get so invested in the relationship that when it crumbles I am left with a massive gaping hole. That's because you're rushing into wrong relationships for wrong reasons to keep from being alone. So I have decided that I am going to seriously find my own place to live. Concentrate on doing this. Leave everything else off that list til well after Valentine's Day 2018. Just wondering if I'm doing the right thing after this break up? I feel like I need to improve myself or I'm going to end up back here again whoever I go out with. Yes, you will end up back here if you don't stop rushing and forcing relationships with the wrong women because you can't stand your own company. Also wondering if I should try a paid dating site? But don't want to waste my money if they're as unreliable as non paid ones. No--because you're not in the right head space to be considering dating right now. No woman is going to land in your life from a dating app to save you from yourself and the defrag program you need to be running on your life right now.
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