Ultimatum or Not

[nickuk]

Hey all,

 

I've read multiple threads on here but essentially need some advice. I want to keep this short but essentially here it goes...

 

Me and my ex gf were together for 5 years in a long distance relationship. She lives in London, UK and I live in the Midlands UK. Its about a 2hr30 mins journey. Its been fantastic but she broke up with me just over 6 months ago saying she needed space and that she is no longer attracted to me. Shes 26 and Im 29 (going to be 30)

 

Since then, we did NC for a month where she messaged me numerous times and I ignored her. I only sent her a message saying happy birthday during that time but it was towards the end of NC.

 

She basically wanted to get married back towards the end of our relationship but I was so focussed on my career where I kept emphasising that we will do it but all I wanted to do was get my promotion at work (which I DID!) and then go self employed. She also decided that she didnt want to move up to my home town and wanted to stay in London. We always agreed that we would settle down half way between both of our parents. Anyways.. 6 months on, I have lost weight, bought a new car and I have also left my job, gone self employed with alot more money and I now live about 10-15 mins away from her in London.

 

We have met up numerous times and pretty much kissed when we see eachother, had sex a few times initially but we havent recently. I moved to my flat last week and she messaged me asking if I needed a hand. She stayed with me the whole day and then the following Monday she came over for dinner and said that she just wants to help me settle in. I went back home last week to finish my last week at work and she messaged me asking if I was free on Friday because she wanted to pull a sickie at work and study in my flat. She is studying to complete her accounting exams and she has failed them which has also strained our relationship in the past. It is the main reason why I never proposed to her because she always wanted to complete her exams first.

 

Anyways I asked if I could borrow her car for yesterday which she agreed. Came over to my flat, we went to the gym and cooked breakfast. It was really nice and then we went to a furniture store so I could collect a new desk. She has purposely left stuff at my flat too! We kisses numerous times during the day and she even had a nap in my bed in hte morning and cuddled. She gave me a present for my 30th which was a £250 aftershave which I have always wanted. She also started welling up when she gave it and I asked. She basically said that she always dreamt that we would be married and that she would of taken me to NYC for my bday.

 

I know she is dating and she has met someone. Shes been on a few dates with him and I think shes on a date with him today. We spoke about alot of things yesterday about our relationship and what went wrong. She says it was an accumulation of stuff but I boil it all down to lack of communication. She really should have been clear about what she wanted and I would have done it for her. I was so preoccupied with my career because I only ever wanted to have the best for her (financial security).

 

Now I am in limbo and I really really want to marry her and I know she wants to be married. Even when we met up last week she even said this new guy doesnt make her happy like I do and also she doesnt want to start again with a new relationship and she doesnt have time. The following day she goes that change is good and that I am only doing all of this because I have lost her.

 

What do I do? I am thinking of giving her an ultimatum and my friends have told me too but I know she doesnt like the idea of if because I told her that she should have given me one when things were going south instead of throwing our relationship away. Shes so hot and cold, when we are together it is perfectly fine but its just the breakup which puts a downer on any meet up.

 

Also to add, when I ignore her for a day or two, she will message me. Its like she doesnt want to let go of me.

 

What do you all think?

Edited November 12, 2017 by nickuk

[HumanMachine]

Off topic but was the aftershave Aventus?

[nickuk]

Haha! No it wasnt Aventus but it was one from the Creed range which I love.

[Highndry]

Hey all,

 

I've read multiple threads on here but essentially need some advice. I want to keep this short but essentially here it goes...

 

Me and my ex gf were together for 5 years in a long distance relationship. She lives in London, UK and I live in the Midlands UK. Its about a 2hr30 mins journey. Its been fantastic but she broke up with me just over 6 months ago saying she needed space and that she is no longer attracted to me. Shes 26 and Im 29 (going to be 30)

 

Since then, we did NC for a month where she messaged me numerous times and I ignored her. I only sent her a message saying happy birthday during that time but it was towards the end of NC.

 

She basically wanted to get married back towards the end of our relationship but I was so focussed on my career where I kept emphasising that we will do it but all I wanted to do was get my promotion at work (which I DID!) and then go self employed. She also decided that she didnt want to move up to my home town and wanted to stay in London. We always agreed that we would settle down half way between both of our parents. Anyways.. 6 months on, I have lost weight, bought a new car and I have also left my job, gone self employed with alot more money and I now live about 10-15 mins away from her in London.

 

We have met up numerous times and pretty much kissed when we see eachother, had sex a few times initially but we havent recently. I moved to my flat last week and she messaged me asking if I needed a hand. She stayed with me the whole day and then the following Monday she came over for dinner and said that she just wants to help me settle in. I went back home last week to finish my last week at work and she messaged me asking if I was free on Friday because she wanted to pull a sickie at work and study in my flat. She is studying to complete her accounting exams and she has failed them which has also strained our relationship in the past. It is the main reason why I never proposed to her because she always wanted to complete her exams first.

 

Anyways I asked if I could borrow her car for yesterday which she agreed. Came over to my flat, we went to the gym and cooked breakfast. It was really nice and then we went to a furniture store so I could collect a new desk. She has purposely left stuff at my flat too! We kisses numerous times during the day and she even had a nap in my bed in hte morning and cuddled. She gave me a present for my 30th which was a £250 aftershave which I have always wanted. She also started welling up when she gave it and I asked. She basically said that she always dreamt that we would be married and that she would of taken me to NYC for my bday.

 

I know she is dating and she has met someone. Shes been on a few dates with him and I think shes on a date with him today. We spoke about alot of things yesterday about our relationship and what went wrong. She says it was an accumulation of stuff but I boil it all down to lack of communication. She really should have been clear about what she wanted and I would have done it for her. I was so preoccupied with my career because I only ever wanted to have the best for her (financial security).

 

Now I am in limbo and I really really want to marry her and I know she wants to be married. Even when we met up last week she even said this new guy doesnt make her happy like I do and also she doesnt want to start again with a new relationship and she doesnt have time. The following day she goes that change is good and that I am only doing all of this because I have lost her.

What do I do? I am thinking of giving her an ultimatum and my friends have told me too but I know she doesnt like the idea of if because I told her that she should have given me one when things were going south instead of throwing our relationship away. Shes so hot and cold, when we are together it is perfectly fine but its just the breakup which puts a downer on any meet up.

 

Also to add, when I ignore her for a day or two, she will message me. Its like she doesnt want to let go of me.

 

What do you all think?

 

Run. You are being used as an emotional tampon and as a backup plan while she gets comfortable with a new guy. As soon as she feels secure with him, you're OUT. This is definitely not the kind of woman you want to marry. Any woman who says she's lost attraction to you and needs space is not going to magically regain it. It's over.

[nickuk]

Whilst I agree that I am being used as an emotional tampon, why would she say that she doesnt like the new guy and say all the things that she wishes I did alot of this earlier. I definitely need to give her an ultimatum. I want to marry this girl and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Its her exams in a couple weeks and she even said that she will come over after to grab her stuff. She is clinging on to me but not sure when to give this ultimatum. I think in the next few days will be best.

[Highndry]

Whilst I agree that I am being used as an emotional tampon, why would she say that she doesnt like the new guy and say all the things that she wishes I did alot of this earlier. I definitely need to give her an ultimatum. I want to marry this girl and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Its her exams in a couple weeks and she even said that she will come over after to grab her stuff. She is clinging on to me but not sure when to give this ultimatum. I think in the next few days will be best.

 

A woman who loves you and wants to spend her life with you doesn't tell you she's lost attraction, then break up and start seeing other guys. A woman who loves you doesn't need to go test driving other men to know that you're the one for her. Why is she clinging? Because she wants her cake and to eat it, too. Welcome to your role as backup plan and doormat. You are not her primary focus, her own selfish interests are, as well as the new guy.

 

When I read threads like this I am absolutely stupefied that a man would allow a woman to break up with him, then entertain her conversations about the new guy she's dating. Just the mere fact that you allow that has told her you're a major pu**y who can be used and abused. You have set no good boundaries. The only thing you did right was to ignore her through no contact for a period of time. The ONLY conversation you should ever have had with her after she broke up was something along the lines of her begging YOU to give her another chance, and for her to prove herself to you. Nothing like that is happening, and you have, if anything, made yourself look even weaker in her eyes.

[nickuk]

I completely agree with all your comments. She got fed up of waiting and she wanted commitment which I did give. I think I built up attraction but should have kept up NC. I want to give her the ultimatum tomorrow, if she agrees to come over to my place.

[Highndry]

I completely agree with all your comments. She got fed up of waiting and she wanted commitment which I did give. I think I built up attraction but should have kept up NC. I want to give her the ultimatum tomorrow, if she agrees to come over to my place.

 

You are in a difficult position now. You want to marry this woman but she dumped you, is dating others, and you have lost all power. The only option you have now is something along the lines of this, but choose your own words:

 

"I made a mistake talking to you, sleeping with you, etc. after you broke up with me. Unless you realize that you made a terrible mistake leaving me and are wanting me to give you another chance, I do not want to have any contact with you ever again. Please respect that."

 

Then move on. It's the only way forward for you. She needs to feel that loss and know that you mean it. And mean it you have to.

[nickuk]

Thanks for the advice. It is a difficult position because one day she is hot and the next she is cold. She sends me sexual stuff one day and talks about how she got fed up of waiting. Even yesterday she was like I wanted to be married by 26 which personally is achievable still. She has dated quite a few guys and I have dated a couple girls in the past few months but we keep coming back together. I just need to somehow to get her to commit. She even said to me that she just left like I stopped caring about our relationship and it became too difficult with phone calls and text messages all day. Obviously that changes now that I am nearby, I know she is testing the water with this other guy and using me as a backup but I dont want to be that so an ultimatum is the only way to go. I know she is stubborn and will say no but so be it. I told her that if she was clear and gave me an ultimatum that she wanted to get married and was dead set on it then I would have proposed! I wish I did now... well just proposed at least. I have dithered alot but my mind was not in the right place and I didnt know what to do. Now I know what I want to do with our relationship as I have realised my mistakes but I guess its too late.

[Highndry]

Thanks for the advice. It is a difficult position because one day she is hot and the next she is cold. She sends me sexual stuff one day and talks about how she got fed up of waiting. Even yesterday she was like I wanted to be married by 26 which personally is achievable still. She has dated quite a few guys and I have dated a couple girls in the past few months but we keep coming back together. I just need to somehow to get her to commit. She even said to me that she just left like I stopped caring about our relationship and it became too difficult with phone calls and text messages all day. Obviously that changes now that I am nearby, I know she is testing the water with this other guy and using me as a backup but I dont want to be that so an ultimatum is the only way to go. I know she is stubborn and will say no but so be it. I told her that if she was clear and gave me an ultimatum that she wanted to get married and was dead set on it then I would have proposed! I wish I did now... well just proposed at least. I have dithered alot but my mind was not in the right place and I didnt know what to do. Now I know what I want to do with our relationship as I have realised my mistakes but I guess its too late.

 

She has devalued you, and you know it. Why in the world would you be groveling for her attention right now if you know she's going to reject you? You continue to cling to false hope. It's over.

[nickuk]

Yesterday she pulled a sickie for work which she has never done before, cake round my flat and spent the whole day. We even had sex in the afternoon. Anyways even in the evening we watched a movie. After this, I realised that I might not see her for a while so gave her the ultimatum. She said she doesn’t want it.

 

I’ve deleted her off all social media and she texted me last night saying I’ve made things sour. Wtf!!

[Arieswoman]

Nickuk,

Stop letting her pull your strings.

 

 

She broke up with you, so stay NC and heal.

 

 

NC means just that - no texting or communication of any kind.

[KBob]

Yesterday she pulled a sickie for work which she has never done before, cake round my flat and spent the whole day. We even had sex in the afternoon. Anyways even in the evening we watched a movie. After this, I realised that I might not see her for a while so gave her the ultimatum. She said she doesn’t want it.

 

I’ve deleted her off all social media and she texted me last night saying I’ve made things sour. Wtf!!

 

Prepare to be blamed and made to feel like it's all your fault. Given what's coming and how soft you've been, you need to block her number so you don't cave into her BS.

[PegNosePete]

I just need to somehow to get her to commit.

You should never need to get someone to commit! They should commit willingly, of their own accord. If you need to get them to commit then it's not genuine and you're asking for trouble.

 

 

I know she is dating and she has met someone.

...

We even had sex in the afternoon.

Oh wow. What a classy lady. She's cheating on her new bloke, with you. Has this knocked her off the pedestal that you've put her on, yet? She is a cheater.

 

You need to move on from this relationship. It's over. And thank goodness you didn't marry her, it would have ended in disaster.

[HumanMachine]

Yesterday she pulled a sickie for work which she has never done before, cake round my flat and spent the whole day. We even had sex in the afternoon. Anyways even in the evening we watched a movie. After this, I realised that I might not see her for a while so gave her the ultimatum. She said she doesn’t want it.

 

I’ve deleted her off all social media and she texted me last night saying I’ve made things sour. Wtf!!

 

Block her on everything.. you’ve got a nice new bottle of creed, as it’s not aventus I hope royal oud/smw/viw, now get on the pull..

[nickuk]

You should never need to get someone to commit! They should commit willingly, of their own accord. If you need to get them to commit then it's not genuine and you're asking for trouble.

 

 

 

Oh wow. What a classy lady. She's cheating on her new bloke, with you. Has this knocked her off the pedestal that you've put her on, yet? She is a cheater.

 

You need to move on from this relationship. It's over. And thank goodness you didn't marry her, it would have ended in disaster.

 

Shes not with this new guy and she even said herself that she barely knows him but I know that once she got comfortable then she would have left me to hang. Relationships are a funny thing and we spoke yesterday how she has a tendency to lock up her feelings and not tell me whats on her mind. We have met up 4 times over the past 10 days, more over the past 6 months than we did before we broke up. It all boils down to communication and if she communicated with me then things definitely would have been different. Why would someone pull a sickie, buy you a birthday present, cook you breakfast/dinner if they have no feelings for you. I am going to go NC and completely cut her off.. if she comes back grovelling them I can evaluate it then but I know it wont happen so I need to move on.

[PegNosePete]

Shes not with this new guy and she even said herself that she barely knows him

And you believe that?

 

we spoke yesterday how she has a tendency to lock up her feelings and not tell me whats on her mind

I rest my case.

 

Why would someone pull a sickie

So she has no problem lying to her boss either. She has no moral code. She has proven time and time again that she is not an honest person. Yet you think she is being honest with you? You can't trust this woman as far as you can throw her.

 

Yes, you need to move on. BLOCK her in every day possible.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

she broke up with me just over 6 months ago saying she needed space and that she is no longer attracted to me.

 

So was this the real reason she broke up with you or not? She gave other excuses later on, so I wasn't sure.

 

If the breakup was just about issues of distance or feeling underappreciated, those issues can be worked on now that you are closer. However, if she is no longer attracted to you, that would be almost impossible to come back from.

 

Perhaps she is the exception to the rule, which might explain why she still has sex with you occasionally. However, I would question that because her other behavior suggests that she has a more selfish agenda.

 

She has made it pretty clear that she is desperate to get married above anything else, and I get the feeling that she might be feeding you enough breadcrumbs to keep you around as a backup while she searches for a man she really wants.

 

The truth is some people can settle down with someone, knowing their partner isn't attracted to them or in love with them, but it is very risky.

 

For example, if you were to marry her and she genuinely isn't attracted to you anymore, there is a huge possibility that she will lose interest in having sex with you. It will either become a tiresome chore or you just won't get any for months/years. Sounds like fun?

 

Consider whether you willing to make such a huge commitment and financial risk with someone so inconsistent and high risk?

 

I know you still have strong feelings towards her, but please think it over carefully.

[nickuk]

So was this the real reason she broke up with you or not? She gave other excuses later on, so I wasn't sure.

 

If the breakup was just about issues of distance or feeling underappreciated, those issues can be worked on now that you are closer. However, if she is no longer attracted to you, that would be almost impossible to come back from.

 

Perhaps she is the exception to the rule, which might explain why she still has sex with you occasionally. However, I would question that because her other behavior suggests that she has a more selfish agenda.

 

She has made it pretty clear that she is desperate to get married above anything else, and I get the feeling that she might be feeding you enough breadcrumbs to keep you around as a backup while she searches for a man she really wants.

 

The truth is some people can settle down with someone, knowing their partner isn't attracted to them or in love with them, but it is very risky.

 

For example, if you were to marry her and she genuinely isn't attracted to you anymore, there is a huge possibility that she will lose interest in having sex with you. It will either become a tiresome chore or you just won't get any for months/years. Sounds like fun?

 

Consider whether you willing to make such a huge commitment and financial risk with someone so inconsistent and high risk?

 

I know you still have strong feelings towards her, but please think it over carefully.

 

Thanks. Over the past 5/6 months I have made some radical changes. I’ve lost so much weight where I’m a size smaller in everything. Got a new wardrobe, new job, relocated to London, New Car and I’m now self employed. All the things I told her I would do but she needed to give me time. On the attraction point. I’m not sure because would she still sleep with me and also she has made comments that I now look so much better and she’s acknowledged that I’ve lost weight.

 

I’m going to go NC and see what happens but I’m going to move on. I’ve put in so much time and effort into us. I think I’ve proved more than enough that I love her and I can fulfill my promises. It’s her turn to do the chasing if she wants to.

[nickuk]

Hey All! Just an update, I gave my ex gf the ultimatum and I have sent her stuff back via post but I also shared some links which were downloaded onto my laptop. The weirdest thing from the last time we met is that she wanted me to meet one of her close friends+bf. It felt like it was going to be a double date so I declined saying it would be awkward but why would she have suggested this? She has messaged a few times over the past week but I have been on a date and went home for a few days. I think she is confused and isn't happy atm.. I am finding it a little difficult at the moment because she is totally out of character at the moment. Hopefully it gets easier with her not being on my social media.

[HumanMachine]

You gave her the ultimatum.. yet you’re still hearing from her? I’m confused..

[nickuk]

You gave her the ultimatum.. yet you’re still hearing from her? I’m confused..

 

Yes its because I had her exam revision videos which I have shared with her and now done. She just messaged me saying thanks so that should be it.