Got off a 3 yr relationship. I want her back but im in a weird situation

[david888]

My ex was a fangirl and read erotica long before she met me in uni. We're both 21 now. Her fangirling died down after we started to date each other. It got sexual (we were each others' first) fast and we enjoyed it. We had exes but nothing serious until this - she even accidentally mentioned that she wanted to marry after graduating. After more time, it got more serious and had a lot of great times but we were both jealous and a bit controlling. It became a bit toxic. After 2 yrs however, she became less jealous and all, and her sex drive died down as well. I noticed and lessed my jealousy but sex became an issue.

 

It was then when I saw her conversation with a girl friend that she's back to fangirling (to a diff celebrity) and had what seemed like sexual comments. I broke up but I asked her back after she said it wasn't sexual. A month later she breaks up as she claims she got tired of fighting and got bored of the relationship but she asks to get back together, as she says her feelings will come back, so we did. I then broke up for the 3rd time (amicable) as I couldnt handle it. She told me to date others and get the sex I deserve and would be fine with it if ever we got back together. She also said the next person she'll date is who she'll marry. A week later i find out she has been maintaining a twitter for months for fangirling and had sexual comments. I confronted her and she owned up to lying to me about her fangirling. I told her I didn't want anything to do with her anymore.

 

But after researching, I realized it's normal for people to fantisize and that I was being immature (didn't tell her that). I want her back now but she's happy with just being a fangirl. No other guy in the picture as she doesnt even reply to people other than her girl friends and me (we used to share passwords). We have the same classes and group of friends. I initiated No Contact right after confrontation but replied to some of her messages (about school). When we're together she laughs at my jokes, but she has said to her friend that there is nothing left between us and that she'd only start dating once her idol has gotten married.

 

She previously told me she wants to be together in the future but after I found out, she no longer does because it's "embarassing". Do i completely ignore her or still reply? Do i avoid her in person? What do I do as I want her back?

[d0nnivain]

I don't really understand how her fangirl hobby effects any of this. Unless she's got restraining orders out against her from the celebrity in question, it's harmless & meaningless.

 

If you want her back, you have to talk to her. Then you two have to both work to fix the problems which broke you up 3x. Frankly at this point I'd let it go. Clearly the relationship wasn't working so why keep doing the same old thing?

[david888]

I don't really understand how her fangirl hobby effects any of this. Unless she's got restraining orders out against her from the celebrity in question, it's harmless & meaningless.

 

If you want her back, you have to talk to her. Then you two have to both work to fix the problems which broke you up 3x. Frankly at this point I'd let it go. Clearly the relationship wasn't working so why keep doing the same old thing?

She did fantasize about having intercourse with him so it hurt me how she's willing to do it with someone who doesn't even know her (idk if she really would though). Though I admit it was childish and immature on my part (as I myself watch pornography) but I realized it too late.

 

Why talk to her instead of continuing with no contact as most advise? May I ask why you think the relationship isn't working? (I omitted the good times we had since the post was getting long; the first two break ups were only for a day and a week, respectively)

Edited November 12, 2017 by david888

[d0nnivain]

I think the relationship isn't working because you broke up 3x. I was with somebody for 10 years. We broke up once . . the last time. I have been with my husband for 12 years; we've never broken up. It's called a break up because your relationship is broken. Having some good times is not indicative of a good healthy relationship.

 

I advised talking to her because you said you want to get back together. Communication is the only path to reconciliation.

 

NC is about healing. It's a state you put yourself in so you can get over a relationship. It is not about making her miss you so you can manipulate her into coming back.

 

If you want to heal, go NC. If you want to reconcile, talk to her. It's an either or proposition. If she doesn't want to talk to you, then you have no choice. Reconciliation is not possible.

[david888]

I think the relationship isn't working because you broke up 3x. I was with somebody for 10 years. We broke up once . . the last time. I have been with my husband for 12 years; we've never broken up. It's called a break up because your relationship is broken. Having some good times is not indicative of a good healthy relationship.

 

Maybe, but the first break-up was due to the spur of the moment - we got back within a few hours. The second was for a week or less then she wanted us back. Do they still count as legitimate break-ups?

 

If you want to heal, go NC. If you want to reconcile, talk to her. It's an either or proposition.

 

Alright, but should I wait a bit for her to miss me a little before talking to her?

 

Thanks so much for the responses!

[d0nnivain]

Yes the other short break ups still "count" because they demonstrate that neither of you know anything about conflict resolution. People who immediately pick break up are extremists. They don't value the relationship enough to treat it gently.

 

I don't believe in waiting to make somebody miss you but given the level of immaturity demonstrated by the impetuous past break ups, I suppose stranger things have happened then that working.