broke up with a girl in order to get her back.

[randzilla]

Ok so yeah the title of this may sound a little counterintuitive. So I've been dating this girl for about two months a coworker(yeah I know not the smartest but I guess the attraction was strong she actually approached me). Our first weeks of dating were awesome nothing but fun times and laughs. So we escalated and started getting intimate which was amazing. So a little while after I don't know if I was getting to clingy or she was fearful of a serious relationship she would get hot then cold some days. I think I gave her to much of my time on top of our dating and late night encounters we also workout at the gym together. So she tells me she's confused so I tell her I care to much to be friends and cut her off. She came back a day later saying she still wanted to date me so we continued. Well know she's beginning to flake whenever she invites me over at night. She will tell me earlier in the day I can come over and when I messaged her later no response. So after a few times of this I got upset. I take my personal time to train her in the gym but me getting hers is a problem apparently and it's not that I just wanna come over for sex I genuinely just want time with me and her to improve upon me and her. So I ignored her a little at work on a day we had previously planned to go to lunch together I told her where not going to lunch together. So feeling like I had been a ******* I reached out and told her hey so we have no communication issues if you wanna know I'll let you know why I'm agitated. To which she wasn't interested in hearing. So I told her we are done...... I didn't want to at all but the constant flakiness straight up ignoring texts is something I don't want to deal with. So input did I deal with this poorly?

[BaileyB]

My personal opinion, for what it's worth...

 

It's been two months. Your relationship has progressed quickly and you are spending more time together than you should, at only two months.

 

And yes, you do have communication problems. This hot-cold dance that she is doing and the games that you are playing with her to try and get her to communicate with you are very immature and not typical of a mature, healthy relationship.

 

Lay it on the line, have an honest conversation with her. Tell her how you feel when she is hot-cold and tell her what you want. If she won't listen to you, then you are done. Only time will tell if this will work out for you, but it won't work out if the two of you don't communicate and continue to play these childish games. Good luck.

[randzilla]

Thank you I totally agree with you. I'm giving her some time now to think haven't bothered her since I told her we we're done. I do want to clear things up with her so she see how I feel about the situation. I'm really into her and I want things to workout.

[ExpatInItaly]

My first guess is that she is seeing someone else too, and that's what is occupying her time and the reason she flakes.

 

Even if she's not, she is not that interested anymore. Unfortunately, I think you need to just let it go.

[act00]

Ignoring her at work is not a good place to start. It's already a slippery slope to get involved with a coworker, and you have to be very careful to maintain a professional and personal divide. Being openly hostile and cold to her at work is not good for the professional relationship (including coworkers) and not good for the personal relationship, either.

 

And this is part of why getting involved with a coworker is a bad idea.

 

You have to maintain a regular, cordial, and unbiased working relationship, despite the crap going on in your personal lives.

 

This game playing of yours is not helping. Instead of dumping her and going cold, discuss how you want to manage your relationship. You not only work together, but you go to the same gym, at the same time, and are together other times beyond that...that's a LOT of time, and neither of you seem equipped to maneuver boundaries or manage this constant togetherness.

 

You states she's running hot-cold while you yourself are pulling the same crap. You are ignoring her at work and being openly cold towards her. You have broken up...as a lesson? As a test? If you break it off, it will make her want you more?

 

We are now on round two of breaking up. How junior high of you. I would be done...granted, I would give it a second try, only to be met with a second breakup, and that would be the end of it. You clearly have no capacity to function in an adult relationship and just break up like a petulant toddler rather than discuss the issues at hand.

 

Grow up, and have a conversation.

 

I honestly don't know how couples can spend every waking moment together. I worked with a couple who sat next to each other at work, of course had the same schedules, same breaks and lunches, and were perpetually joined at the hip. I would seriously want to scratch his eyeballs out with that much "closeness," but it worked for them.

 

Keep work, work. Now that you are apparently broken up, you need to maintain your professional, working relationship with her. Don't be an a**. If she behaves badly, so be it, but don't get sucked into that drama and remain professional and courteous towards her.

 

If you want a grownup relationship, behave like a grownup. No one likes to deal with the tough issues, but you both need to communicate and set up some expectations and boundaries, especially since you work together and go to the same gym at the same time. If she's too immature and unable to manage this, and runs hot-cold, then move on. You're playing games yourself...stop it.

[d0nnivain]

She is playing games. Now she's got you doing it too. You haven't been together long enough for this much drama. It's only been 2 months & this is your second break up. Let this go. Be professional at work but understand this chick is not relationship material; she's too flaky & unreliable.

[Hopeful30]

Bro.... she's not that into you.

[randzilla]

Ok so I reached out I told her I don't think I handled communicating with her well instead of being salty I should've just waited till she was ready to talk. I told her sorry and if she wants to eventually talk just let me know. I think yeah playing games shouldn't be something I have to do but I feel like she should understand my frustration.

[randzilla]

My first guess is that she is seeing someone else too, and that's what is occupying her time and the reason she flakes.

 

Even if she's not, she is not that interested anymore. Unfortunately, I think you need to just let it go.

 

I've had that thought as well. She's told me we're exclusive but as a woman I'd imagine you'd want some alone time with somebody your dating..... she does have two little daughter's so she could just be plain tired but idk.

Edited November 12, 2017 by randzilla
misspelling

[d0nnivain]

Ok so I reached out I told her I don't think I handled communicating with her well instead of being salty I should've just waited till she was ready to talk. I told her sorry and if she wants to eventually talk just let me know. I think yeah playing games shouldn't be something I have to do but I feel like she should understand my frustration.

 

Did you read any of our replies before you did this? We all said walk away. Instead you picked continue to chase.

 

If she has a daughter that is a good reason why she can't devote 100% of her time to you. The kid comes first. Do you understand that?

[Gr8fuln2020]

Ok so I reached out I told her I don't think I handled communicating with her well instead of being salty I should've just waited till she was ready to talk. I told her sorry and if she wants to eventually talk just let me know. I think yeah playing games shouldn't be something I have to do but I feel like she should understand my frustration.

 

I'm sorry, but you already told her that you were open to letting her know why you are upset and she was not interested. Also, you told her that it was over. Now you are going back to her by apologizing for something that I do not believe YOU needed to apologize for.

 

If all you want is her to understand why you are upset, then text, email, leave a voice mail to let her know. She's already told you that she is not interested.

 

TBH, she is not that into you. If she were, she wouldn't be doing this and certainly would not have told you that she was not interested in hearing your concerns.

[OatsAndHall]

I'd just leave it all be at this point. Maintain a cordial, professional relationship at work and that's it. If she reaches out to you, tell her that you don't think it will work out, wish her the best, and continue to be a professional.

 

And, as an FYI, you're in CYA territory now. Make sure that any communication between the two of you is in written form in case HR or your manager gets involved. You'll want to be able to show them a polite text message calling things off and asking to maintain professional boundaries.

[mortensorchid]

Guy, you are a dummy. You are a dummy for acting the way you did with her, and this gal is/was not that interested in you to begin with. I hope the next time you act a little more maturely and be a bit smarter about it.

[randzilla]

Yeah I was really regretting saying it was over I should have held off and just waited to see if she came to me so I could let it be known how I feel instead of just ending it that's why my dumbass sent that. I felt like we were a lot more serious I guess. I helped her through her grandfathers passing and just held her and comforted so I felt some emotional bond.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Yeah I was really regretting saying it was over I should have held off and just waited to see if she came to me so I could let it be known how I feel instead of just ending it that's why my dumbass sent that. I felt like we were a lot more serious I guess. I helped her through her grandfathers passing and just held her and comforted so I felt some emotional bond.

 

And she probably did too...during that time. This is common. People are much more likely to develop stronger emotional, personal connections during a time of crisis, loss. But, for the most part, it is temporary and once that period has past, reality sets in and people start to see the true nature of their feelings.

 

Not your fault here. You should just let her go.

[randzilla]

I am if she doesn't speak to me I will respect that. Looking at it logically if we where having communication issues this early. Then likely it wasn't going to workout. There's a big age gap I'm 33 she's just 20 so most young women aren't sure what they want yet.

[act00]

I am if she doesn't speak to me I will respect that. Looking at it logically if we where having communication issues this early. Then likely it wasn't going to workout. There's a big age gap I'm 33 she's just 20 so most young women aren't sure what they want yet.

 

I've had that thought as well. She's told me we're exclusive but as a woman I'd imagine you'd want some alone time with somebody your dating..... she does have two little daughter's so she could just be plain tired but idk.

 

She's 20 with two little daughters?? Dude, this young woman has issues, and she has to grow up herself with babies to raise. You are the very last of her issues right now. Did she grow up in a vacuum and not know where babies come from? Where is(are) the father(s)?

 

You do realize that if you continue this relationship with her, you will be these girls' father (stepfather) with all the money and emotions, driving, planning, making sure homework is done, extracurricular activities, science projects, slumber parties, cleaning up vomit, wet beds, paying for braces, groceries, clothes, shoes, learner's permit, driver's license, field trips, extracurricular activities? You get that, right? Are you embracing fatherhood with this woman? Or are you just freaking out she doesn't have enough time for you? She has children to raise and an income to worry about in order to keep these children housed with food and amenities.

 

You do realize that when you f*ck with her, particularly at work, you f*ck these two little kids who have to deal with mommy being stressed out?

 

And you're doing this at work. You're cold to her at work, and blowing her off at work. There's a nice big ball of job insecurity right there.

 

I don't know if she's playing games so much anymore. I wonder if she is truly unable to extend the level of time you expect. She's 20 with two babies...this is not an easy-breezy life where she can just drop everything for a date or easily revamp her time to accommodate you...she has to deal with the care of two children just to get a date, and these kids should be her priority, not you. You can be incorporated, but you have to embrace fatherhood...they are a package deal.

[randzilla]

She's 20 with two little daughters?? Dude, this young woman has issues, and she has to grow up herself with babies to raise. You are the very last of her issues right now. Did she grow up in a vacuum and not know where babies come from? Where is(are) the father(s)?

 

You do realize that if you continue this relationship with her, you will be these girls' father (stepfather) with all the money and emotions, driving, planning, making sure homework is done, extracurricular activities, science projects, slumber parties, cleaning up vomit, wet beds, paying for braces, groceries, clothes, shoes, learner's permit, driver's license, field trips, extracurricular activities? You get that, right? Are you embracing fatherhood with this woman? Or are you just freaking out she doesn't have enough time for you? She has children to raise and an income to worry about in order to keep these children housed with food and amenities.

 

You do realize that when you f*ck with her, particularly at work, you f*ck these two little kids who have to deal with mommy being stressed out?

 

And you're doing this at work. You're cold to her at work, and blowing her off at work. There's a nice big ball of job insecurity right there.

 

I don't know if she's playing games so much anymore. I wonder if she is truly unable to extend the level of time you expect. She's 20 with two babies...this is not an easy-breezy life where she can just drop everything for a date or easily revamp her time to accommodate you...she has to deal with the care of two children just to get a date, and these kids should be her priority, not you. You can be incorporated, but you have to embrace fatherhood...they are a package deal.

 

We talked about this. I have one of my own in talks we've had I told her I would. Told her I want me and her to be a good example of how a couple should treat each other. We knew each other a while before we even started dating. So she saw thru social media and work functions that I am a good father and that is what caught her eye and made her want to date. I'm understanding I always tell her when she has to cancel cause her daughter's are sick/etc to not worry about me they are way more important. My frustration was that say instead of just telling me hey I've been crazy with my kids I don't have time tonight/I'm tired she would just leave me in the dark. She could've just sent a quick text and I would've understood. Removing my feelings seems she's just not interested I thought maybe she's playing hard to get/ trying to not come off as needy.

[ShyLove]

Im sorry but Idk why guys in their 30s and 40s (my guy friends included) who date young 20 somethings expect them to have a mindset of a 35 year old woman. She's 20. She herself probably doesn't know why she's acting this way bc 20 year olds rarely know themselves or life in general. They usually aren't good at resolving conflict either and that's why she has the care free attitude and would rather just let it be instead of hearing what you have to say. And since she has 2 kids she probably didn't have time to enjoy being a teenager and having her share of fun times with friends so that puts her in a whole other category. She will text you, and may even claim she wants to rekindle things again but I don't see this lasting. Especially after turning 21 and going out with friends chasing young good looking guys who will only use her for sex. I hope you aren't the one at home during that time taking care of her two kids lol

 

Jokes aside, I hope I'm wrong but I see and hear these stories sooo much through guy friends and at work (I work in a counseling center).

 

Good luck and take care

[randzilla]

Lmao I'm a handsome and fit 33 year old. But yeah I know exactly what your saying with that and already having kids at a super young age I'm sure she was limited as far as having fun living the life most teenagers/young adults live.