I have a girlfriend for almost two years, but I can’t stop thinking another friend

[DmbPf22216]

So I have a girlfriend currently and I love her so much. We have started dating around 2 years ago and I can’t stop thinking of our future. But I also can’t thinkin about one of my best friends. This bestfriend happens to also be my girlfriends best friend and I actually like her before my girlfriend (she turned me down but played with my emotions like crazy).

 

Skip to now, she has had 3 boyfriends and i have been with my girl friend this whole time. My problem is I find myself wanting my bestfriend. I can’t stop thinking about her, sexually, and subconsciously putting all these pieces together in my head to make it seem like it makes sense. I’m not sure if it’s just sexually or if it’s actually actually real feelings.

 

I know for a fact I love my current girlfriend but she isn’t very similar to me in a lot of ways. Some people say it’s good for a two people in a relationship to be different and some say it’s good to both be similar.

 

Please someone help, I want to talk to my girlfriend about it because I’m feeling a lot of guilt on my shoulders but I just want these damn conflicting feelings to go away and just have my feelings for our bestfriend to go away.

 

I just want an answer on what to do but I know for a fact won’t be able to do anything about this, I’m too scared. I just want to be my current girlfriend for ever, be more attracted to her and have more things in common so we can just be happy together. But that’s a fantasy and nothing else. Or maybe it’s in the future.

[coolheadal]

Then talk to her about it then. Get it off your chest!

[maxi105]

hello DmbPf22216,

 

do you love your girlfriend "for a fact" as you say or are you trying to convince us (and perhaps yourself) how much you do love her and ought to love her; because its very easy to get caught up in the expectations of love, especially after a relationship settles down after a period of time.

 

I'm not trying to spoil your post here, but from what little you do say here it sounds like there is still a connection with this other girl and I cant help thinking that if you had a chance you wouldn't reject any time to be with the other girl even in a friendly way that might lead to more if she were more willing to enable your attention and affections for her.

 

if it were me, I wouldn't talk to your girlfriend about anything (at this stage), because this is either a fantasy that is going nowhere - as this other girl has already turned you down and then played with your head; or just take some time away from your girlfriend to have a think about whether she really is the sort of person that you honestly want a relationship with.

 

i think it might not hurt if you were to physically go away somewhere for a short time and have your own space so you can examine your own feelings about this situation properly.

 

if you cant get away somewhere in a different location, then is it possible to not see your current partner for a week (or 2) and come back to asses things after that.

 

i think if you take both girls out of the picture completely for a while. it may help to clear your mind.

 

I cant help feeling that there is a side of you that wants this other girl more than you might openly admit too, although it could also just be you obsessing about her because you like her and your head is trying to figure out why she doesn't want you (but its all got a bit mixed up emotionally), but either way; I cant help feeling that the sort of personality that this other girl offers is probably what you are secretly looking for or hoping might change about of the girl you are with; hence your previous attraction to her friend and wanting the friend in your head again....its really what you prefer in girls i think, and that you are feeling guilty that your partner may not really be enough for you - and you can see that very clearly in the friend!!!!!!

 

does it matter that this other girl has had 3 boyfriends whilst you have been faithful? you are clearly monitoring this other girl because are always thinking about her...yes; you have been faithful, but I wonder if you are as truly happy at present with your current partner as you are writing about to us.

 

also, if you know you won't be able to do anything with what you want people to advise you on, I'm not sure what the point of posting is.

 

you say you want to know the answers, but unless you start looking for the real reasons behind how you are feeling and how that affects others, then I don't think you are ever going to be able to move forward with this; and the guilt, obsessive thoughts will only build more and get more intense until you end up hurting someone or having to deal with a few home truths.

 

I am not sure if your girlfriend is the one you hope she will be, forever I'm afraid!

 

if you want to try to sort things out then you need to face the reality of it all and remember that you cannot change your girlfriend unless she wants that for herself; i cant help feeling that you want the girlfriend to be more than she actually is, and that the guilt is coming from the facts that her friend is the sort of personality that really attracts you more than your long term girl.

 

sorry this isn't more positive, but its what I feel from your post. I could be wrong and you may be very happy and contented; but I'm not hearing that you sound like someone with a solid, confident, secure relationship, from your post.

 

maybe if and after you have stepped back from all this and if you still have these feelings for the other friend, then maybe you need to accept that it is your heart saying that you and your girlfriend are just not the perfect fit you're looking for - for the longer term.

 

just remember, its better to be kinder and let someone go who you are not really happy with if that's what you realise as happening; rather than struggling on because the person you are currently with is a lovely person and so kind and caring etc...because in the long run you will hurt them - whilst holding them back from meeting someone who could show them proper love that is true and sure of itself...not something that has to TRY to be more loving or try to be improve or prospects of a slightly under-whelming personality etc...

 

well. that's my take on it. i do wish you well, even if it doesn't sound like it; but more than that, i wish you greater honestly and self-reflection and that you actually DO find the courage to do something about how you are really feeling (whatever that turns out to be).

 

because whatever you do decide to do, you have to do the right thing and honest thing, even if it isn't the thing that you thought you'd have to say to a partner.

 

by the way, only the other girl will know if her feelings for you have changed and there could be a chance for you both, but if that isn't changed and she still doesn't show an interest in you and you still want more from your girl than you are getting, then maybe see that as a time to go solo and let your girlfriend find someone that is more compatible.

 

ok, best wishes, although it may not come across like that, but if you really want answers:

 

only you can answer this one if you give yourself honest time and a chance to reflect on how you really feel about love and what it means for you.

 

take care, maxi.

[BaileyB]

With all due respect, it doesn't sound like you love your girlfriend very much, when say that you "want to be more attracted to her and have more in common" and admit that you wanted her friend first and you still fantasize about her friend. That's not a forever love.

 

How old are you? I'm assuming that you are quite young, in which case the chances that you will stay with your current girlfriend forever are probably pretty small. I think you need to consider the fact that you may need to have some more dating experiences.

 

And no, I would definitely not tell your girlfriend that you are hot for her friend unless you want to 1. Break up with your current girlfriend or 2. Change the relationship you both share with her friend forever.

 

And, I hate to say it but don't be having fantasies that you can break up with your girlfriend and date her friend... most women won't do that to a friend - date their ex-boyfriend (especially when it's a long term boyfriend or a painful breakup). So, that ship may have sailed already, my friend...

[rickwman]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Honesty and understanding each other's expectations are very central to an honest and trusting relationship. Love, respect and enjoy your current girlfriend and stop being double minded about the other girl. You wouldn't want your girlfriend to have fantasies about other guys? I'll pray and stand with you that your future is bright with the woman that fulfills your needs and if your current girlfriend is the one in your future, God bless you both!