Lobouspo Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 So tonight I called my girlfriend to say goodnight and she said she was eating and preparing lunch for work tomorrow, yet during this whole time it showed her active on Facebook/Messenger. Also there are times when we're together where she says she needs to go to the bathroom and will always take her phone with her and I check and sure enough she's on FB- Messenger. Is this a huge red flag or am I just being insecure? How so I address it? In the past she's gotten defensive and upset when I've brought it up. It's a sensitive topic because her ex always accused her of cheating, and she swears she has never cheated in a relationship. Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 Omg, social media is ruining us. 20 years ago, people could make their lunch and take a pee without every second of their lives being dissected. Relax! 4
Author Lobouspo Posted November 11, 2017 Author Posted November 11, 2017 Omg, social media is ruining us. 20 years ago, people could make their lunch and take a pee without every second of their lives being dissected. Relax! So are you saying I'm just being insecure?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 So are you saying I'm just being insecure? Yes. That is what I'm saying. 1
jjgitties Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 yup. you are being insecure. i just had a friend ask me if i was offended by something she texted me because i haven't replied in 5 hours. its just cause i have other things i do in my life other than keep replying to texts. what is is with young people and the messenger thing. you do know that there is a setting on the application where you can turn on offline mode permanently so that no one ever knows you are online. what are you gonna do if she turns that on? 3
MidwestUSA Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 So tonight I called my girlfriend to say goodnight and she said she was eating and preparing lunch for work tomorrow, yet during this whole time it showed her active on Facebook/Messenger. Also there are times when we're together where she says she needs to go to the bathroom and will always take her phone with her and I check and sure enough she's on FB- Messenger. Is this a huge red flag or am I just being insecure? How so I address it? In the past she's gotten defensive and upset when I've brought it up. It's a sensitive topic because her ex always accused her of cheating, and she swears she has never cheated in a relationship. Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated Did you know that if an app is open and running, it will look like you're online, even as you're wiping your butt in the bathroom? 4
Author Lobouspo Posted November 11, 2017 Author Posted November 11, 2017 Did you know that if an app is open and running, it will look like you're online, even as you're wiping your butt in the bathroom? I dunno, I admit I am a bit insecure in relationships, and she's really into Facebook. One thing I will say, she's not shy about putting pics of us on Facebook and even tags me in pics we are together. But something in my gut just makes me uneasy. 1
MidwestUSA Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 I dunno, I admit I am a bit insecure in relationships, and she's really into Facebook. One thing I will say, she's not shy about putting pics of us on Facebook and even tags me in pics we are together. But something in my gut just makes me uneasy. Well, if it's it your gut, pay attention. I do find it odd that she has to take her phone to the bathroom. Who does that? Maybe there's a tracker for bowel and bladder habits? But I also know that I was gone to work (nights) and my husband showed as being on Facebook all night, when I know he was either gaming or sleeping. He still showed as online in the morning when I got home, and he was sound asleep. There are people here who are more savvy when it comes to the technicalities of apps on phones. Good luck to you, whichever way it goes. Observe, observe. 1
GemmaUK Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 What has she actually done to make you think she is cheating? If you are generally insecure in relationships as you say then remember that insecurity fuels assumptions. You clearly don't trust her and without trust there is no love. I knows stacks of people who live with their heads in their phones and take them everywhere and when in social situations they struggle to not pick their phone up so will get twitchy and visit the toilet with their phone. One colleague I know sits and works with her phone in front of her keyboard and it gets prime attention when it flashes up or makes a noise. When she walks anywhere it goes with her. She barely ever looks up from that phone. I have another colleague who has actually told me that I should post comments and pictures on FB regularly so that she knows what I am doing each weekend. She skips between work and FB all day long on her work pc. She also has at one point questioned my use of What's app when I downloaded it for a short period of time last year. I downloaded it for contacting one person only who had nothing to do with this colleague. That person knew about it showing online and chose not to download it. I left the app on my phone and thought nothing of it until a few weeks later this colleague questioned me about my relationship with this person who she didn't even know (a family member of mine) asking whether we had fallen out because she had been watching my What's app status and I hadn't been using it - totally ridiculous and completely none of her business! I deleted the app that day. One of my ex's was very insecure - it turned into being possessive, controlling, attempting to isolate, abusive behaviour emotionally, sexually and physically - he messaged me one night on FB and because I hadn't bothered to log out of FB (which was a nightmare to use on my phone anyway) it showed me as active at 2am - I was asleep. I didn't touch my phone until 6.30am when I woke up and shoved it in my pocket. The amount of grief and accusations I got over that one was simply stupid. Relying on social media stalking to gauge a relationship is totally unreliable as folk have mentioned above too. I guess maybe What's app is somewhat more reliable going by the example I gave above! I hadn't used the damn thing! Lol! You need to get a grip on why you experience insecurity first off - this is within your control and it's not your gf's problem, it's yours. What has made you insecure in this particular relationship? It's gone as far as you questioning her about cheating so there must be several other factors that lead you to question her about it. Secondly, you need to decide whether it's best to avoid people who are addicted to their phones and social media or just accept that this is how it is with some people these days. 2
Lorenza Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 Well, if it's it your gut, pay attention. I do find it odd that she has to take her phone to the bathroom. Who does that? Maybe there's a tracker for bowel and bladder habits? Who doesn't take their phone to the bathroom? What's so weird about that? Many people read something or play a game while they're pooping. Even my grandma has a stack of sudoku magazines in her toilet. OP, stop monitoring your girlfriend. That's controlling and unhealthy. She might be online on messenger because she's on her phone surfing (the app is usually active whatever you do) or maybe she's chatting with someone. You can't try to control what she's doing on her phone as it's her business. If you can't trust her, then it's not worth continuing this relationship. 3
Author Lobouspo Posted November 11, 2017 Author Posted November 11, 2017 What has she actually done to make you think she is cheating? If you are generally insecure in relationships as you say then remember that insecurity fuels assumptions. You clearly don't trust her and without trust there is no love. I knows stacks of people who live with their heads in their phones and take them everywhere and when in social situations they struggle to not pick their phone up so will get twitchy and visit the toilet with their phone. One colleague I know sits and works with her phone in front of her keyboard and it gets prime attention when it flashes up or makes a noise. When she walks anywhere it goes with her. She barely ever looks up from that phone. I have another colleague who has actually told me that I should post comments and pictures on FB regularly so that she knows what I am doing each weekend. She skips between work and FB all day long on her work pc. She also has at one point questioned my use of What's app when I downloaded it for a short period of time last year. I downloaded it for contacting one person only who had nothing to do with this colleague. That person knew about it showing online and chose not to download it. I left the app on my phone and thought nothing of it until a few weeks later this colleague questioned me about my relationship with this person who she didn't even know (a family member of mine) asking whether we had fallen out because she had been watching my What's app status and I hadn't been using it - totally ridiculous and completely none of her business! I deleted the app that day. One of my ex's was very insecure - it turned into being possessive, controlling, attempting to isolate, abusive behaviour emotionally, sexually and physically - he messaged me one night on FB and because I hadn't bothered to log out of FB (which was a nightmare to use on my phone anyway) it showed me as active at 2am - I was asleep. I didn't touch my phone until 6.30am when I woke up and shoved it in my pocket. The amount of grief and accusations I got over that one was simply stupid. Relying on social media stalking to gauge a relationship is totally unreliable as folk have mentioned above too. I guess maybe What's app is somewhat more reliable going by the example I gave above! I hadn't used the damn thing! Lol! You need to get a grip on why you experience insecurity first off - this is within your control and it's not your gf's problem, it's yours. What has made you insecure in this particular relationship? It's gone as far as you questioning her about cheating so there must be several other factors that lead you to question her about it. Secondly, you need to decide whether it's best to avoid people who are addicted to their phones and social media or just accept that this is how it is with some people these days. You make some good points, thanks. I definitely have insecurity issues in relationships and it's something I have to work on. I just don't get the whole Facebook thing. I don't care what my friends are eating for lunch and I've never felt the need to root my own horn to see how many likes I can get. So it's not just my insecurity about her messaging other guys, but her FB activity in general. We went to San Francisco on vacation and like I said earlier, she now tags me on posts when she takes pics of us together. On one hand her putting me on display reassures me and makes me feel good about us, but I'm also very private and just don't like my life being part of a narrative on the internet.
GemmaUK Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 I think you missed my question so I'll ask again. What has she done to make you think she is cheating on you? You make some good points, thanks. I definitely have insecurity issues in relationships and it's something I have to work on. I just don't get the whole Facebook thing. I don't care what my friends are eating for lunch and I've never felt the need to root my own horn to see how many likes I can get. So it's not just my insecurity about her messaging other guys, but her FB activity in general. We went to San Francisco on vacation and like I said earlier, she now tags me on posts when she takes pics of us together. On one hand her putting me on display reassures me and makes me feel good about us, but I'm also very private and just don't like my life being part of a narrative on the internet. As for the underlined part, well, if you don't want your life all over FB ask her not to post pictures and tag you. This is a perfectly reasonable request as it concerns you and your privacy (You can also change your settings though to always allow or check with you first before a tag is opened up and visible by all. Doing this would mean you taking responsibility rather than her - and I suspect you would not want to change your settings due to that). Problem is that with your insecurity when she stops doing that you're likely not to like it - see the bolded part. She probably can't break even can she? Let alone win (which is not what relationships are about). Damned if she does, damned if she doesn't. That is all down to your insecurity. I get the feeling you would rather have the option to control her behaviour over her phone usage - which is simply controlling and will get worse over time as soon as a different assumption springs into your mind. There is a difference if when in your company (on a date/sitting with you talking) she has her head stuffed in her phone all the time and doesn't put it down - that's rudeness which you shouldn't be tolerating and letting it continue if you've not addressed it or not split up with her but you don't say she is doing that which makes me think she isn't. If you are both out and about and soon to be meeting others that is different again if she is texting someone to keep in touch for times and where you'll be meeting - that's not rude.
Author Lobouspo Posted November 11, 2017 Author Posted November 11, 2017 I think you missed my question so I'll ask again. What has she done to make you think she is cheating on you? As for the underlined part, well, if you don't want your life all over FB ask her not to post pictures and tag you. This is a perfectly reasonable request as it concerns you and your privacy (You can also change your settings though to always allow or check with you first before a tag is opened up and visible by all. Doing this would mean you taking responsibility rather than her - and I suspect you would not want to change your settings due to that). Problem is that with your insecurity when she stops doing that you're likely not to like it - see the bolded part. She probably can't break even can she? Let alone win (which is not what relationships are about). Damned if she does, damned if she doesn't. That is all down to your insecurity. I get the feeling you would rather have the option to control her behaviour over her phone usage - which is simply controlling and will get worse over time as soon as a different assumption springs into your mind. There is a difference if when in your company (on a date/sitting with you talking) she has her head stuffed in her phone all the time and doesn't put it down - that's rudeness which you shouldn't be tolerating and letting it continue if you've not addressed it or not split up with her but you don't say she is doing that which makes me think she isn't. If you are both out and about and soon to be meeting others that is different again if she is texting someone to keep in touch for times and where you'll be meeting - that's not rude.[/quote Thanks you give me some things to think about. The primary thing was going to the bathroom with her phone. Sunday she went to the bathroom. We have dinner, I noticed she gets some messages doesnt respond to them She said the bread she ate made her sick and she goes promptly to the bathroom with her phone again. I dunno...me being insecure? Maybe. Her acting a little sketchy? Maybe. She doesn't bury herself in her phone when we are together, and is good about being affectionate and focusing on me. So no real complaints there. I hear what you're saying on the Facebook posts. I guess I'd rather her take pics of us and post it on Facebook. At least it shows she's not hiding me
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 (edited) Sunday she went to the bathroom. We have dinner, I noticed she gets some messages doesnt respond to them She said the bread she ate made her sick and she goes promptly to the bathroom with her phone again. I dunno...me being insecure? Maybe. Her acting a little sketchy? Maybe. She doesn't bury herself in her phone when we are together, and is good about being affectionate and focusing on me. So no real complaints there. I hear what you're saying on the Facebook posts. I guess I'd rather her take pics of us and post it on Facebook. At least it shows she's not hiding me Does she ever respond to messages in front of you? Edited November 11, 2017 by CautiouslyOptimistic
Author Lobouspo Posted November 11, 2017 Author Posted November 11, 2017 (edited) Does she ever respond to messages in front of you? Sometimes she does. Not always though. Sometimes she will do it in front of me while we're on the couch where I can see. Sometimes she will get messages on her phone and not even check them. Edited November 11, 2017 by Lobouspo
GemmaUK Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 Thanks you give me some things to think about. The primary thing was going to the bathroom with her phone. Sunday she went to the bathroom. We have dinner, I noticed she gets some messages doesnt respond to them She said the bread she ate made her sick and she goes promptly to the bathroom with her phone again. I dunno...me being insecure? Maybe. Her acting a little sketchy? Maybe. She doesn't bury herself in her phone when we are together, and is good about being affectionate and focusing on me. So no real complaints there. I hear what you're saying on the Facebook posts. I guess I'd rather her take pics of us and post it on Facebook. At least it shows she's not hiding me Well, I can't see anything here to imply she is cheating on you. Over eating can and will make a person feel sick. She is a social media/phone junkie and you already know this she isn't texting when with you and replying, rudely whilst with you. For all you know she is replying to friends telling them what a great night she is having with you or chatting about stuff important to them. She could also be chatting with them saying it's a relief as so far on this date you've not accused her of cheating again (it sounds like you have done so on more than one occasion) and things appear normal. You know that she loves her phone so either you accept it or move on to someone else like you who isn't interested in phones and media. If she is cheating or wants to cheat she will do so - if it's in her nature - but she will do so via any form. Something that can make a person feel like cheating is when the get accused of it time and again. They're guilty already of something they haven't done so they may as well do the thing they are supposedly guilty of.
warp123 Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 Theres women that say they love their husbands but still they cheat on them, because they are able to separate sex from love. THEY EXIST. So uploading photos together doesnt mean much. Now... She ignores phone messages in front of you while dining but then goes twice to the bathroom WITH the phone? Come on!! I would be suspicious too. 1
KBob Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 Who doesn't take their phone to the bathroom? What's so weird about that? Many people read something or play a game while they're pooping.. 70% of my LoveShack time. 3
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 70% of my LoveShack time. Thank you for that visual, KBob. 3
MidwestUSA Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 Who doesn't take their phone to the bathroom? What's so weird about that? Many people read something or play a game while they're pooping. Even my grandma has a stack of sudoku magazines in her toilet. Good lord! Unless I'm vomiting, I'm never in there more than forty five seconds (yes, I timed myself). Yes, that includes hand washing. I'll assume your entire generation needs more fiber. 1
Lorenza Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 Good lord! Unless I'm vomiting, I'm never in there more than forty five seconds (yes, I timed myself). Yes, that includes hand washing. I'll assume your entire generation needs more fiber. Oh no, people are different and have different habits, how weird is that? If someone doesn't take 40 seconds in the bathroom like you do, they must be not normal. And probably up to no good if they take their phone with them, like OP girlfriend. Maybe even cheating! Actually I'm a vegan and have no trouble with fiber. And I know many people of different generations who enjoy a good long toilet time. Doesn't mean they're in there doing shady things with their phone. OP girlfriend is probably just taking a poop while checking her Facebook or Instagram feed. If someone gave me crap (pun intended) for that, I'd feel they're being petty and controlling. As adults we don't need our partners to parent us about our toilet or social media habits.
MidwestUSA Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 (edited) Oh no, people are different and have different habits, how weird is that? If someone doesn't take 40 seconds in the bathroom like you do, they must be not normal. And probably up to no good if they take their phone with them, like OP girlfriend. Maybe even cheating! Actually I'm a vegan and have no trouble with fiber. And I know many people of different generations who enjoy a good long toilet time. Doesn't mean they're in there doing shady things with their phone. OP girlfriend is probably just taking a poop while checking her Facebook or Instagram feed. If someone gave me crap (pun intended) for that, I'd feel they're being petty and controlling. As adults we don't need our partners to parent us about our toilet or social media habits. Well that's the last time I borrow your phone. Someone bring back newspapers! Edited November 11, 2017 by MidwestUSA
Lorenza Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 Well that's the last time I borrow your phone. Someone bring back newspapers! Don't worry Midwest, your phone is also covered with bacteria, even if you don't take it to the toilet 1
mortensorchid Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 Yes you are being insecure. THe app is running no matter what you are doing or saying. You could be sleeping and it's running, so CALM DOWN and let it be. This bears nothing on what is going on during your relationship.
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 I think the messenger app is mostly accurate when it comes to activity. I take my phone to the bathroom during dates and give friends date updates via the messenger app.
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