Danie1990 Posted November 9, 2017 Posted November 9, 2017 Hello dear readers, I've been with my boyfriend for about 1,10 year. We met in a funny way: he lives in the same appartment complex opposites my appartment. We got to know each other really fast and soon we spent everyday together. We live just two steps away from each other. I love him as he is so sweet and caring for me. I doubt I will ever met someone who loves me they way he does. We laughed and made jokes all the time. I literally can cry from laughing with him and be 100 procent my crazy self by him. He accept me totally as I am and I trust him completely. But then.. after about a year in the relationship, i got my first doubts. When I had sex with him, or when we kissed each other, I felt more and more repulsed. I like to cuddle him and hold his hand, but I didn't like to do more. He felt and feels like my best friend, like my brother. I hoped my feelings got better and we carried on the relationship. The repulsing when being intimate with him got worse. There where moments I cried after having sex with him and I hated it when he kissed me. Of course he felt rejected and I talked with him about it, but still he was really caring and hoping it got better. It didn't. I felt and feel horrible. Sex with him became a serious issue for me. I started looking at other man on the street and when I felt like having sex, I wanted it, but not with my boyfriend. Of course I didn't cheat on him. It's just like I didn't find him so attraktive anymore. And why? I have no clue. He has a nice body and he looks fine. I'm sure there are a lot of girls out there who are jumping to be with him. Last tuesday we discussed the issue and my feelings towards being intimate with him and my struggles with that and I decided to break up with him. He deserves someone who wants him the way he wants me and he deserves the very best! But now.. I'm crying my head of, I'm so depressed, I miss him, I miss holding his hand, knocking on his door, having coffee's together, chatting togehter, laughing togehter. I don't know if I made a right decision by leaving him. I'm so confused and heartbroken.. and so he is.. Any advice would be appreciated.. Love, Danie. Sorry for my bad english. I'm orginally not from an english- speaking country.
SpecialJ Posted November 9, 2017 Posted November 9, 2017 If you were physically attracted to him to begin with (which I'll assume you were if this didn't happen until a year in), and he has not significantly changed since then (ie made a big physical change, quit his job and gotten lazy because you can support, become abusive), then there's something going on on your end. In long-term relationships, attraction ebbs and flows and sparks fade in intensity, but repulsion isn't really normal. You can explore a few things within yourself... first, are your issues with something specific with him or are you fearful of being vulnerable and strongly emotionally tied to someone else? Which maybe caused you to look for reasons to push him away? Did you have any unhealthy dynamics with family members when you were a kid? Emotional neglect? Do you have sexual fantasies you weren't sharing? You may absolutely just be incompatible, or there's a deeper emotional connection issue that can be addressed. If you are honest with yourself and this really isn't about him and how you fit with him (like, are your doubts real even if you can't quite explain why it's not working, in which case do trust yourself... or are your doubts made up things so you can self-sabotage?), then you may consider working with a therapist for a little while. This may be the wrong relationship, and even therapy may not help you to repair it, but at least it might help you recognize in a new relationship what feelings mean you should break up sooner versus when you should see if you can work things out. And my advice is all based on you thinking he's the right person enough outside of the physical that it's worth figuring this out. Some people would think that after only a year, this is too much effort too soon. You may also want to consider that you're responding to a big change, and you're not actually so upset about missing him specifically, and you should give yourself some time to wait it out and see if you feel better once the shock has worn off.
Author Danie1990 Posted November 9, 2017 Author Posted November 9, 2017 (edited) I've been abroad for a while and I hoped i would start missing him a lot. I thought it would maybe resolve things. It didn't.. I made a lot of friends over there and I actually enjoyed my life. Of course I missed him sometimes, but not like, all the time. Maybe that isn't a bad thing though.. It just had the effect of me thinking even more if he is the 'one' to be with in the long run. He visited me a few times and it got me each time like: omg I love it that he's coming, it will be so much fun! And it was everytime, but sexually I was thinking: let's get over this asap. I've had a healthy childhood. The only traumatic things that happend to me before where in two relationships. One of them stalked me for 1,5 years (like the real deal) and the other one made me feel like ****, he was emotionally abusive. I got therapy for both of them and got over it, learned from it, moved on. My current (ex?)boyfriend is a wonderfull guy. He makes me happy and let me feel worthed. He laughs about my jokes not everybody get's. Of course we had our things sometimes. Everytime I got in an discussion with him I got sometimes so upset, as we didn't understand each other on a lot of themes at all (not the serious things like marriage or kids, just the way of looking to things, any theme, from animals, local news to what would you do if..- conversations) and I just couldn't and cant'stand his way of thinking on moments like that (and there were pretty much of them). But at the same time he is the one I laugh with and also have good times with and is the one who drys my tears when needed. My sister is my best friend and besides her I was/am always with him.Though I'm a super social person, I don't have a lot of friends. Its'actually because my sister is my best friend and I actually didn't been single for a long time in my life. Maybe I jumped to fast from one to another. I don't know. I do know that I feel super sad and kind of lost, lonely and scared. Edited November 9, 2017 by Danie1990
SpecialJ Posted November 9, 2017 Posted November 9, 2017 Okay, that all makes sense. Being aligned on world views is very important to some people, and it sounds like your legitimate doubts manifested in losing attraction. Telling you he's not the right person for you to be in a relationship with. You should give yourself a break and keep out of contact with him for a little while, maybe a couple months. I'll bet you see things much clearer then, and you'll know if you did the right thing or still have regrets. In your situation, I'd tell him that you would like to be friends in the future once everyone heals if he is open to that, but you'd also like some space for a couple months and hope he can respect that. And really, cut each other off for that time (but not necessarily permanently). You can love someone and want them in your life but not want a romantic relationship with them. That's ok, as long as he is capable of healing and getting to the same point. But it's up to him too, as many people don't like being friends later on with exes. Good luck, I think you'll feel better with some time
Author Danie1990 Posted November 9, 2017 Author Posted November 9, 2017 (edited) But it's so confusing. When someone say this to me (my dad sad it too) I nodd as I understand it from an outside picture. But don't forget he is my best friend and I care about him. We truly have our good times too. And i'm like: damn, why for gs would you say goodbye to such a wonderfoll loving person in this world full of crappy people? Maybe I wll never find love again? Maybe I let go of this beautifull person and regret it when things are too late? Maybe I will regret it/regret it already and.. I start panicking, crying and feeling SO confused. I keep thinking and thinking about it the whole day. I miss him, but will things be better this time? Will I feel happy then? Will things change? I don't want to hurt him a second time. But I just can't promise there wouldn't be. But then again... i miss him, being with him, romatising things, feeling hopefull, and then I'm thinking of being intimate what's part of an relationship too and i'm like; omg.. i just don't know it anymore. I care about him so much. I don't need to ask him to stay a while out of my life I think. He is a man with honor and respect. We didn't see each other since (what dramatic was with 1000 tears). pff it's so hard Edited November 9, 2017 by Danie1990
SpecialJ Posted November 9, 2017 Posted November 9, 2017 You've written about fear and about how much he loves you and maybe you'll never find someone to love you that much again. Fear is never a good reason to stay with someone, especially since he deserves a woman who loves him the same way, so forcing yourself to stay if you're not feeling that way will inevitably hurt him more. Plus, then you may miss out on meeting someone different (eventually, not immediately) who is a better fit. Cry, vent, mourn, post here. But the only way you're going to get solid answers to your questions is by giving yourself some time (away from him) for your emotions to settle down, and then you'll see how you feel. Be nice to yourself in the meantime, and look for healthy ways to cope with the initial breakup shock (ie spend time with friends, exercise, put time into hobbies you enjoy, etc).
gelite3 Posted November 12, 2017 Posted November 12, 2017 Relationships are complicated and when sex is introduced they can become even more complicated. It sounds like he has some wonderful qualities that would be important for building a healthy relationship. It also sounds like your previous relationships were not very healthy. Although, you say you worked with a therapist and are over your past relationships, perhaps there is deeper healing that is needed. I encourage you to consider speaking to therapist about your struggles related to this relationship, as well as the difficulty that you are having after your breakup. The insight that you gain will be beneficial if you decide to work things out with your ex or if you decide to move on. Some people have found the book, Boundaries in Dating, helpful.
Highndry Posted November 12, 2017 Posted November 12, 2017 Leave him be. You've already damaged his ego enough, let him find somebody who's appreciative of him.
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 12, 2017 Posted November 12, 2017 Danie1990, as I understand it you love this man, have some differences of opinion on some issues, but not the serious, basic issues that would concern marriage and life together. However, at first you were sexually comfortable with him but over time you began to be repulsed about being sexual with him, though you still enjoyed his company and felt romantic about him? If this is so, then I ask you a hard question, "Has anyone in your life such as a close family friend or a family member tried to cross sexual boundaries with you when you were a child or teenager? Or did anyone in your childhood disrespect your privacy in any way?" I'm asking you this because you are looking at men who are strangers and thinking of sex with them but repulsed by someone who is close to you, though you weren't when you first got together with him. It almost seems as if you may not be comfortable being sexual with someone you know real well. Perhaps someone you know real well overstepped sexual boundaries with you or boundaries not sexual but that affected the core of your being. If that's so, then this could follow you into other relationships and is an issue that is not about this man, but about you. Of course, you may read the above and say, "That's not the case." But, it's just a thought. Since it sounds as if you truly love this man I would hate to see you throw away the possibility of a R with him as true love doesn't come along that often. I'm wondering if you maybe should talk with him and tell him you'd like some time to date him without being sexually intimate while going to a therapist and exploring why you're no longer comfortable with him sexually. In any case, maybe talk with him and tell him you care for him and miss him so much but think there is an issue within yourself and would like to work with a therapist on it but it may take some time. I would be very transparent with him about this. If he loves you, too, as much as you seem to love him, it may be something he'd be willing to work with you on. This doesn't sound to me like a situation where you've gotten bored with him or friend zoned him. It sounds to me as if it's an issue from your childhood. But, I don't know. Obviously, I know very little about you and him, both, and about your relationship so I could be way off base.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted November 12, 2017 Posted November 12, 2017 It is probably more common than people care to admit, and results in a lot of unexplained breakups. It isn't the sort of thing people want to tell someone they care about. I can only speak from my own experience. When it has happened to me, the attraction never returns. As much as you might miss his companionship right now, I wouldn't try to reconcile. If you are still neighbors, it might make it more difficult. You might have to consider making a fresh start and move somewhere else.
kazen Posted November 12, 2017 Posted November 12, 2017 You don't really miss him, you just miss having a boyfriend. Wait til you find another person, you'll forget about your ex instantly.
Author Danie1990 Posted November 12, 2017 Author Posted November 12, 2017 Okay, that all makes sense. Being aligned on world views is very important to some people, and it sounds like your legitimate doubts manifested in losing attraction. Telling you he's not the right person for you to be in a relationship with. You should give yourself a break and keep out of contact with him for a little while, maybe a couple months. I'll bet you see things much clearer then, and you'll know if you did the right thing or still have regrets. In your situation, I'd tell him that you would like to be friends in the future once everyone heals if he is open to that, but you'd also like some space for a couple months and hope he can respect that. And really, cut each other off for that time (but not necessarily permanently). You can love someone and want them in your life but not want a romantic relationship with them. That's ok, as long as he is capable of healing and getting to the same point. But it's up to him too, as many people don't like being friends later on with exes. Good luck, I think you'll feel better with some time Thanks a lot for your time for replying. Means a lot.
Author Danie1990 Posted November 12, 2017 Author Posted November 12, 2017 Leave him be. You've already damaged his ego enough, let him find somebody who's appreciative of him. Thank you for reply. He's aware our situation is not at his best at the moment. I think it's quit straight forward to say I damaged his ego already enough as we are both in pain. Besides that, he told me I'm the one who builded his selfconfidence up in life.
Author Danie1990 Posted November 12, 2017 Author Posted November 12, 2017 Danie1990, as I understand it you love this man, have some differences of opinion on some issues, but not the serious, basic issues that would concern marriage and life together. However, at first you were sexually comfortable with him but over time you began to be repulsed about being sexual with him, though you still enjoyed his company and felt romantic about him? If this is so, then I ask you a hard question, "Has anyone in your life such as a close family friend or a family member tried to cross sexual boundaries with you when you were a child or teenager? Or did anyone in your childhood disrespect your privacy in any way?" I'm asking you this because you are looking at men who are strangers and thinking of sex with them but repulsed by someone who is close to you, though you weren't when you first got together with him. It almost seems as if you may not be comfortable being sexual with someone you know real well. Perhaps someone you know real well overstepped sexual boundaries with you or boundaries not sexual but that affected the core of your being. If that's so, then this could follow you into other relationships and is an issue that is not about this man, but about you. Of course, you may read the above and say, "That's not the case." But, it's just a thought. Since it sounds as if you truly love this man I would hate to see you throw away the possibility of a R with him as true love doesn't come along that often. I'm wondering if you maybe should talk with him and tell him you'd like some time to date him without being sexually intimate while going to a therapist and exploring why you're no longer comfortable with him sexually. In any case, maybe talk with him and tell him you care for him and miss him so much but think there is an issue within yourself and would like to work with a therapist on it but it may take some time. I would be very transparent with him about this. If he loves you, too, as much as you seem to love him, it may be something he'd be willing to work with you on. This doesn't sound to me like a situation where you've gotten bored with him or friend zoned him. It sounds to me as if it's an issue from your childhood. But, I don't know. Obviously, I know very little about you and him, both, and about your relationship so I could be way off base. Thanks a lot for your time. In the beginning was everything exciting, as in every relationship. By time I got my doubts as my romantic feelings where fading away. We live opposites each other and everytime we spent a nice evening together. I felt the need to sleep in my own bed, in my own room. That happened already really soon in the relationship. That situation made me think as wel: why do I not want to wake up with him? And if I did, i wanted to go to my room and be by myself for a while. Sometimes I had this proud feeling on the street, but sometimes not at all :S. I'm not sure it has something to do with my childhood. I can't remember any sexuall abusive situations. My father is quit dominant, but one of my closest friends as well. He's aware of the situation and tried to explain me that there is a different between love and friendship. At the moment I can't see things clear anymore. When I am with him, I feel somewhere down that I wan't to go and explore life again. When I'm without him (as I'm now) I'm so so so sad and devasteted. I see him in pain and that hurts the hell out of me, but I'm missing his company as well!I'm like: you had your relationships, you have a good person now, why do you make it all so difficult? When I see pictures of us, I'm like; you don't look that unhappy, you look quit happy actually! But I had so many moments I was doubting and doubting.. till I got to the point of breaking up and being depressed and confused now. I'm going back and forward with my thoughts.
Author Danie1990 Posted November 12, 2017 Author Posted November 12, 2017 It is probably more common than people care to admit, and results in a lot of unexplained breakups. It isn't the sort of thing people want to tell someone they care about. I can only speak from my own experience. When it has happened to me, the attraction never returns. As much as you might miss his companionship right now, I wouldn't try to reconcile. If you are still neighbors, it might make it more difficult. You might have to consider making a fresh start and move somewhere else. How long did you stay with your partner since the attraction was gone? What was your experience? Did you regret the break up after..? I thought about finding a new place to live, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that already.
Author Danie1990 Posted November 12, 2017 Author Posted November 12, 2017 Relationships are complicated and when sex is introduced they can become even more complicated. It sounds like he has some wonderful qualities that would be important for building a healthy relationship. It also sounds like your previous relationships were not very healthy. Although, you say you worked with a therapist and are over your past relationships, perhaps there is deeper healing that is needed. I encourage you to consider speaking to therapist about your struggles related to this relationship, as well as the difficulty that you are having after your breakup. The insight that you gain will be beneficial if you decide to work things out with your ex or if you decide to move on. Some people have found the book, Boundaries in Dating, helpful. Thank you for this helpfull tip. It makes sense what you say. My partner can be really clingy and insecure at moments. He is scared when I go out with a friend (and I don't have a lot of them) and wants to do everything together. When I say I need some time alone, he's like; why? and have those sad and big eyes. I couldn't stand that by time as it felt like some memories in the past (the stalking- ex started with this kind of behaviour before things got more and more out of controll and became dramatically in the end).
authenticwspots Posted November 12, 2017 Posted November 12, 2017 First time here. Dated a girl for 4 months very good chemistry and passionate love making. She dropped hints on me that I wasnt really into her as much as she was into me. I reassured her that I was several times and was trying to help her go slow through the divorce process and moving slowly. She told me this week that she was fearful of her kids and that she couldnt go through another bad breakup and said she needed to get a clearer head. I felt the connection was very real and we had spent a considerable amount of time at each others house. I even met and hung out with her three boys. I have three kids almost grown and out of the house. Her children are 5,6, 13. She has since distanced herself from me. Her husband had sex with 125 hookers and yelped reviewed them online. Is she broken? Scared? Should I give her her space or keep reassuring her that I want to be with her? I feel very hurt and I miss her and her kids and cant seem to stop obsessing over how we got to this point? Confused and needing some advice on how to proceed....
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 12, 2017 Posted November 12, 2017 Thank you for this helpfull tip. It makes sense what you say. My partner can be really clingy and insecure at moments. He is scared when I go out with a friend (and I don't have a lot of them) and wants to do everything together. When I say I need some time alone, he's like; why? and have those sad and big eyes. I couldn't stand that by time as it felt like some memories in the past (the stalking- ex started with this kind of behaviour before things got more and more out of controll and became dramatically in the end). ^^^^ This. A clingy person is a turn off to most people. I can see how that would put the chill on your desire for him. Also, in another post you wrote, you said that you'd lost romantic feelings for him. And your dad has sensed this is just a dear friend for you rather than a bf. It does sound as if this is a person who is no more than a very dear friend to you that you're missing a lot. Would be great if you could move away from him.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted November 13, 2017 Posted November 13, 2017 How long did you stay with your partner since the attraction was gone? What was your experience? Did you regret the break up after..? I thought about finding a new place to live, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that already. It was probably over within a week. The ick feeling was just too strong to ignore. As close as we had been, I couldn't hide the fact that I didn't want him to even touch me anymore, and I didn't want him to know. Like most breakups, the transition to a new routine without your ex can be difficult. However, when you lose attraction towards your partner, it seems to be easier once you get past that initial adjustment and loss. It begins to feel like more of a relief than anything else, and when you start to meet other people who you feel a strong attraction towards, it will confirm that it was the right decision for both of you.
snowboy91 Posted November 13, 2017 Posted November 13, 2017 OP has given lots of info, not quite all has sunk in but here's my 2c anyway. I think what's going on is there is some incompatibility from a relationship viewpoint. You're highly compatible as friends, but not in a romantic relationship, especially since you don't really want to have sex with him. I'm in a slightly similar situation so I get it. Think from a different perspective - assuming you are in the relationship, you are going to be turned off by this guy. Is that the relationship you want to be in? You may need some space from him in the meantime but if he is truly your friend, in the long term he will understand I hope.
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