Zordan Posted November 8, 2017 Posted November 8, 2017 Hello, I'm new here I'm in a relationship with a woman for 1,5 year now, I'm 31 male and She is 32. The relationship is a bit messy, She had psychological issues (not psychotic mental illness, but anxiety, depression and not otherwise specified personality disorder which resembles dependent personality disorder, just not meeting the full criteria and is milder) which has been diagnosed and have been treated by psychiatrist. Since We got together Her condition improved dramatically, got off anti depressants, Xanax by Her doctor and personality disorder also improved somewhat. Problem is I became a father figure, kind of. Since She was not independent at all I had to teach Her how adult life works - paying bills, saving money, job applications, how to handle difficult people since She was extremely short tempered and impatient in the beginning with everybody, etc - Despite the improvements I got tired of the relationship. We do not have anything in common, literally. No hobbies or valuable time spent together, She has almost no friends either. The thing in Her for me is that She is a very good and nice person, one of the most good hearted person I met so far. She deserves a good life and love. But this is seemingly not enough if there is nothing else, even If I thought otherwise in the beginning. Quality and quantity of sex is also poor. She seems not interested in sex at all, So I think We do not resonate there either (I don't think it's totally Her fault). Everyday life is a struggle, living with Her is like living with a teenage girl, She skips chores, get bored with obligations and sometimes just sleeps and naps when there are things to do just because She got "tired". I do almost everything, I pay for everything and I do 80% of the chores and other obligations too. Anyway, breaking up seems impossible for me. Not because there are financial obstacles (Since the flat is mine, She just moved in and every furniture etc is mine 100%) but if I dump Her, Her life will collapse like a house of cards. She could rent a flat and live on Her own (She now has a stable, good job at last) but I know Her, She would quit and move back with Her parents and everything would go downhill from there (Her parents are not easy ppl). My conscience would kill me, But i can't keep on suffer anymore either, I have one life after all. Also She would be furious and broken at the same time, I'm a coward. I can't make myself breaking up and I'm suffering for 3-4 months now with this. I'm getting desperate, I need some advice or anything which could help to make this move. /Sorry for my bad english, it's not my native language/ 1
HumanMachine Posted November 8, 2017 Posted November 8, 2017 Have you tried communicating with her? Give her ‘the talk’.. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 8, 2017 Posted November 8, 2017 Give her a realistic deadline -- at least 2 weeks. She has options: her own place or mom & dad. Her choices are not yours to make. Just don't think she'll be gone in 24 hours.
Art_Critic Posted November 8, 2017 Posted November 8, 2017 If it were me in your shoes I would set her up in a new flat, it seems you are the one with the issues with her so the breakup you will be the initiator and as such you should make it so her life doesn't collapse like you say. Time to put your big boy pants on and deal with it in a proper manner.
CaliBabe Posted November 8, 2017 Posted November 8, 2017 Ultimately, you need to do what is best for yourself. God gave you your life to live. Not your neighbor, not your siblings and not hers. Maybe this will be just the jolt she needs to be present in her own life. She is an adult. Either way, you need to live your life for you. Find happiness. Find that zest for life. Find a woman you are wild about. A woman that makes you feel alive. That you LOVE to be around and have sparks flying in bed. I mean doesn't the idea of that sound amazing? You can have that. Choose it. 1
Author Zordan Posted December 27, 2017 Author Posted December 27, 2017 Hello People, It's been a while since I posted So I give a quick update. I still did not break up with Her sadly.. I had an attempt which was fueled by anger during an argument but I backed down quickly because I had a remorse immediately. The relationship is getting worse, the guilt and sadness is consuming me. She acts like everything is OK. I don't think I could do anything to get Her break up or understand the reasons for a break up, She thinks the ****ty sexual life and completely different personalities and life is completely normal. The most likely scenario is She would NOT want to move to a separate apartment, and She would most likely move in with Her parents instead. Even if I aid her financially. They live in a different city 60km from Me, She can't drive so I should transport all Her stuff to Her pensioner parents. Her parents would most likely try to convincing me to stay with Her (or have a very awkward conversation with me, they are helicopter parents, if you get me). They love me after all, and They are sure We will marry soon. It would be very awkward. I know I should man up and do it anyway, But I'm not having the guts to do so. The worst part is Her parents and other relatives haunting, calling me and stuff like that and She going nuts over the breakup.
Els Posted December 27, 2017 Posted December 27, 2017 A long time ago, the SO broke up with an ex gf who had been threatening him with suicide if he did. He said he stayed with her a few years longer than he wanted to because, same as you, he was so afraid of what she would do to herself if he broke up with her. She's still very much alive now and it appears the breakup was the kick in the behind that she needed to get her life back on track. You cannot possibly know for sure what she would or wouldn't do if you broke up. It's entirely possible that breaking up with her would be the best thing you could do for her future, because then she would have to learn to function without you as her crutch. Even if she does otherwise, you bear no responsibility for what she chooses to do - it's not like you impregnated her or anything like that. Just do it gently and give her a reasonable amount of time to leave.
Author Zordan Posted January 13, 2018 Author Posted January 13, 2018 Hello, Well, I did it. I broke up. I'm facing all the expected outcomes. The everconsuming guilt, a bit regret and overwhelming sorrow, but I know it's the right choice on the long run. She is completely desproyed and desperate, pushing Me to bring the relationship back. I don't know how to deal with this. It hurts very bad and I feel sorry for Her, I did not want to hurt Her... 1
PegNosePete Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 Well done for doing the right thing. It's not easy in this circumstance. But in the long run it is the right thing to do. The best way to deal with it now is to be strong but compassionate. Be very careful not give her any mixed signals whatsoever. Don't let your feelings of guilt lead to conversations which will confuse her or give her false hope. You need to let her know that you're sorry she is in pain but the relationship is over and you are not going to change your mind. You need to tell her that you didn't mean to hurt her but you weren't happy in the relationship and you couldn't continue. You need to tell her that you hope everything works out for her and she manages to find happiness, but the relationship is over and you can't be there for her any more. You should NOT let your guilt talk to her. Don't tell her that you still love her, that you'll always be there for her, that she'll always have a place in your heart, etc. Saying that stuff might make you feel better but it will be a lot worse for her in the long run. You need to save that kind of talk for your diary, or the "Coping" forum here. You need to make sure all the practicalities are sorted out (stuff exchanged back, her living situation is settled etc) and then you need to go NC, for her benefit. 3
Whodatdog Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 Either you ended things when you did, or you would end up living with her the rest of your life. Doesnt seem to be much of a choice to me.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 Hello, Well, I did it. I broke up. I'm facing all the expected outcomes. The everconsuming guilt, a bit regret and overwhelming sorrow, but I know it's the right choice on the long run. She is completely desproyed and desperate, pushing Me to bring the relationship back. I don't know how to deal with this. It hurts very bad and I feel sorry for Her, I did not want to hurt Her... Most decent people do not enjoy hurting other people, so you're very normal in that regard. Just remember, you matter too.
preraph Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 Zordan, you hit it right on the nose. You did become a parental figure to her, and that is an automatic sex killer. Who wants to have sex with their father figure or daughter figure, even if the lines are a bit blurry? It truly is a quick way to turn the romance right off. It's a common problem in marital counseling because it's fairly common, for example, that one person is dragging their feet helping with housework, so the other one ends up feeling like the parent who has to clean up after them and rightfully feels disrespected, and it's a total sex killer. Lots of couples end up at the counselor because the husband resents and resists helping with housework but doesn't understand why she doesn't want regular sex anymore after cleaning up after him like he was five. And it happens in the reverse as well. Anyway, despite your best intentions, because you were kind enough to support her with her mental illness and also because as you say she is maybe lagging behind in maturity, you have come to this place. You know, long-time addicts, once they get clean, are often many years behind in maturity, and I suspect a similar thing happens to someone who's had mental illness sometimes. So now you're raising her. The truth is she'd probably be better off on her own having to conduct her own life. It would be nice to still have you as a person to advise her, but I'm afraid the romance is over. You've taught her a lot, but still she seems she'd rather not take control of her own life. Of course, she can't change overnight, but necessity of her having no other choice would no doubt hurry the process along. And if she breaks down instead, it's still not your fault. She has to take charge of her life sometime. Before you tell her it's over and move out, tell her psychologist and maybe family members if they are good for her so that she has some support. If she's stopped seeing a psychologist, she shouldn't, so you should still tell the last one in case she reaches out to them.
healing light Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 Whatever you do, stay broken up!! There’s no reason you should be miserable the rest of your life out of obligation. Breakups will hurt and involve guilt and pain the vast majority of the time, but they’re necessary. It’s a part of life and you can’t spare her from it. You’re doing both of you a favor in the long-run, as she deserves someone crazy about her. You’re cheating both of you if you decide to stay.
Recommended Posts