Physically abusive relationship

[itsatrap]

Hey y'all,

 

I swore I'd never find myself on a forum like this ever again. A few months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of 3.5 years. For the most part, I've kept it to myself. As I've grown up, I've learned to handle breakups a lot better. But I'd really like to get some other's perspective on this.

 

Nearly four years ago, I met a girl at a Christmas party. She was amazing, vibrant, bouncy and overall positive girl. After 2-3 months of dating, it became something serious.

 

After a year and a half of dating, I moved across the country to attend graduate school - the top MBA program in my country. I wanted to make up for my past mistakes and lost time, and put myself in a position where I could provide for both her and I, and what I'd hoped would be our family together. I knew this wouldn't be easy for her and would involve a lot of sacrifices, which I didn't mind making.

 

However, over the course of the ensuing two years some major issues really cropped up.

 

• I flew back across the country nearly 20 times, at significant cost (think 5 figures) to see her, but she only flew to visit me once (she's not of similar means, I didn't expect it to be equal, but I also didn't expect it to be this lopsided)
  
• Coming to visit her came at quite a cost, I missed networking events which would have made my job search easier. It was exhausting (I flew the equivalent of 3.25 times around the planet, and spent 13 days in the air, and 35% of all the weekends during my degree back on the other side of the country)
  
• The one time she did fly out to see me, she got so drunk she tried to give my buddy a handjob in exchange for booze.
  
• She also tried to make out with a bunch of my other friends that same night.
  
• Near the end of my degree, and we were one of very few couples who had managed to make it to the end of my degree, she insisted I come back to see her otherwise she'd break up to me. I was in the middle of interviews with a prestigious company and I knew leaving mid-interviews process would likely cost me a job. It did, I lost out on the opportunity, what would have been about $45,000 in salary by now, and set my job hunt back for months.
  
• She also was physically abusive. She hit me many times (pushing, shoving, hitting, punching), both on my 30th birthday, as well as twice over this Christmas, including on the two trips to Hawaii I took her to this year.
  
• She once made out with a girl in front of me which, bothered me, and when I talked to her about it, she said it shouldn't matter because it was with a girl not a guy.
  
• Whenever she drinks, she's a complete nightmare, nothing good happens.
  
• She was a cutter, and after her mom passed away, this became particularly bad despite how much support I gave her.
  

 

I'll admit, I'm a prideful man. I would consider myself on the path to success. I come from a good (albeit high strung) family. I'm likely going to work for a pension advisory firm which manages about $8B in assets as an investment analyst. It was tough for someone in my shoes to regularly be getting his ass kicked by a 5'5 120 pound girl. Over time, I essentially become an emotionless zombie.

 

On our second trip to Hawaii this year, I hit my breaking point. I'd just left mid-interviews with a prestigious company essentially because she demanded it. While down there, she hit me. I organized our flights back so that she could make it back in time for work, meanwhile I was stuck on later, longer, more expensive red eye.

 

At the terminal, she asks me to change my flight to hers at a cost of $200 bucks. What? They were both overnight flights, we were going to be sleeping anyway. I'd just dropped an insane amount of cash on this trip, including $700/night for a night at the Four Seasons. Here she was asking for more. She starts to cry. FINE. I pay the upgrade charge. But like my bank account, my self-respect and ego was going into overdraft. I felt like I was getting emotionally blackmailed.

 

On the flight, we're on opposite sides of the aisle. There's an empty seat next to me and she asks if she can move. I'm a 6'2 215 pound guy, economy class sucks, the more space the better, and I really wanted the extra space to spread out and sleep. I ask her if she mind staying in her seat. She starts crying.

 

Let me get this straight, I've just taken her to Hawaii for a week, covered most of the expenses, put her up in a 5* hotel, we even spent a day focused on just the stuff she wanted to do, but she's going to cry about this. Why do I even bother? I felt so defeated.

 

After 2.5 years of biting my tongue, hardly saying anything, I was utterly devastated. How could someone who claimed to love me so much do such things to me? My response was not what it should have been.

 

In a vain attempt to boost my ego, I downloaded Bumble and started swiping. I'm sure like it does for many guys, matching with a hot chick gives you that 30 second ego boost. It's like taking a hit of drugs that gives you some relief from the pain you're going through. I want to make this plainly clear, I never met with anyone on there. Random hookups aren't my thing, heck, I've never even had sex with someone that I'm not dating. What excites me is the emotional connection with the person I love. But for 30 seconds, it made me feel like "I was worth it", at least on a very superficial level.

 

Within 24 hours, someone spotted me on there and told her. In comes the tirade, I'm a cheater, I'm an f*cking *******, etc etc. After 3.5 years, it's over just like that. I tried to explain to her that I was just doing it for the ego boost (which was morally wrong, I understand that and I accept responsibility), and that over the last year or two I've become extremely depressed for the reasons I've outlined above. She tells me I'm just making excuses and it's over.

 

It's all over. No conversation about how we got to this point. Once again, it's all my fault. In the ensuing weeks I got texts from her which made my skin crawl, arguably the worst things anyone has ever said to me. But I take it because I messed up.

 

It's been a few months since this has happened, and on any given day, my feelings swing from extremely relief, to extreme anger, to extreme sadness. Relief to be out of a relationship where my partner takes advantage of my kindness and physically abuses me and I feel like I've dodged a bullet. Anger because she didn't recognize how great she got it, and because she's been airing our dirty laundry in public, and has been hanging out with (and I think ****ing) a guy I used to hang out with, to extreme sadness because I don't know how someone who could love someone as much as she claimed to, refuse to listen to my concerns and worries as much as she did.

 

This whole situation has gutted me. I did so much, wanted to little, and got even less than that.

 

Despite all the abuse, all I've been told is that it's my fault. I admit, there are ways I could have been a better boyfriend. It's been tough to deal with. I've come to realize that the abuse of men is grossly overlooked in today's society, mostly because that's how we're told it's supposed to be. Since when has deliberately hurting someone, regardless of gender, become acceptable?

 

Honestly, I just needed somewhere to vent for a little bit. I've by and large kept this all to myself for the last few months and just needed to put it down somewhere. I just flew back into my home town, and it's all feeling fresh again.

 

Thanks for listening.

Edited November 8, 2017 by itsatrap

[trustyourself]

ugh, I am sorry you went through that.

 

I dated a girl who would do similar things. Drink heavily and get abusive. Slap me, punch me in the chest, even while driving. For no reason at all. I eventually put my foot down and told her if she did anything like that again, it was over. Amazingly she stopped doing it. I guess setting the boundary worked for me and gained a bit of respect back.

 

She sounds like a damaged person, and if she was doing that stuff to your friends in front of you, I cannot imagine what she was doing when you were across the country.

 

As for your part in this, I do think the Bumble thing was a mistake, but if it got you out of this toxic relationship when you didnt have the will to do it yourself, I think it was a blessing in disguise.

 

Amazingly, being in a toxic relationship like this makes it harder to let go. Its like a drug addiction.

 

Stay strong and know you are worth more than that.

[BluesPower]

For a grad student you have a lot to learn...

 

You never, ever, ever accept behavior like this from anyone. EVER.

 

Especially, you never take this from a woman that you are dating.

 

You are a "nice guy" and that is not a good thing. You sound bright enough but just so inexperienced with women.

 

Let this be a lesson to you. If a woman really loves you, she will not act this way. Hell, I tend to be bothered when my new GF offers to pay for dinner or drinks. But then I realize that she wants to help OUR relationship out financially as well.

 

Just say good riddance to this one and count yourself lucky that you got out now instead of marrying her and finding out later that she cheated on you.

 

BTW, you know that she was banging other guys while you were away at school, girls like her always do that.

 

You dodged a bullet...

[Jagged100]

You may have made some mistakes in your relationship but by no means are you to blame for everything that ever went wrong. She sounds a little unbalanced, and I'm going to say the abuse from a male or female partner is never acceptable. It sounds like she emotionally abused you too, and it's clear the damage that's been done.

 

You deserve better, and maybe you should consider therapy to help you deal with the trauma you've experienced. I hope you'll find the peace you need to move on.

[itsatrap]

ugh, I am sorry you went through that.

 

I dated a girl who would do similar things. Drink heavily and get abusive. Slap me, punch me in the chest, even while driving. For no reason at all. I eventually put my foot down and told her if she did anything like that again, it was over. Amazingly she stopped doing it. I guess setting the boundary worked for me and gained a bit of respect back.

 

She sounds like a damaged person, and if she was doing that stuff to your friends in front of you, I cannot imagine what she was doing when you were across the country.

 

As for your part in this, I do think the Bumble thing was a mistake, but if it got you out of this toxic relationship when you didnt have the will to do it yourself, I think it was a blessing in disguise.

 

Amazingly, being in a toxic relationship like this makes it harder to let go. Its like a drug addiction.

 

Stay strong and know you are worth more than that.

 

By and large, I haven't heard anything bad. The only thing I heard was that she was hanging out with a friend of mine who I did not like because he kept on trying to hit on her.

 

Now they're definitely hanging out though and I think part of that is to spite me.

[itsatrap]

For a grad student you have a lot to learn...

 

You never, ever, ever accept behavior like this from anyone. EVER.

 

Especially, you never take this from a woman that you are dating.

 

You are a "nice guy" and that is not a good thing. You sound bright enough but just so inexperienced with women.

 

Let this be a lesson to you. If a woman really loves you, she will not act this way. Hell, I tend to be bothered when my new GF offers to pay for dinner or drinks. But then I realize that she wants to help OUR relationship out financially as well.

 

Just say good riddance to this one and count yourself lucky that you got out now instead of marrying her and finding out later that she cheated on you.

 

BTW, you know that she was banging other guys while you were away at school, girls like her always do that.

 

You dodged a bullet...

 

Definitely a nice guy, definitely not inexperienced 3x3+ year relationships. I am just not good at dropping the hammer.

 

With respect to cheating on me, I'm not entirely sure. I know most of her friends, and she hangs out with a lot of my good buddies when I was away. There was no evidence of it, but I'm not ruling it out.

[Downtown]

Trap, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., emotional instability, verbal and physical abuse, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, cutting, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you -- are warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I not suggesting that your exGF necessarily has full-blown BPD (only a professional can determine that). Rather, I'm suggesting she might be a "BPDer," i.e., a person whose behavior is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum.

 

She was a cutter.... this became particularly bad despite how much support I gave her.

The APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5) lists "self-harming behavior such as cutting" as a symptom for only one mental disorder: BPD. That is, of the 157 disorders identified, only BPD has "cutting" listed as a defining trait. Moreover, many studies have shown that self harm like cutting is strongly associated with BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, found that

Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but

the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder

. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma.

See

J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004

.

She also was physically abusive. She hit me many times (pushing, shoving, hitting, punching.

If your exGF is a BPDer, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. And this is why one of the 9 defining symptoms for BPD is "Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger." See 9 BPD Traits at NIMH.

 

Accordingly, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

Whenever she drinks, she's a complete nightmare, nothing good happens.

"Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors" is another one of the 9 defining symptoms. It therefore is common for BPDers to abuse drugs or alcohol.

 

Despite all the abuse, all I've been told is that it's my fault.

BPDers have such unstable, weak egos that they often feel like they don't know who they really are. To the extent they have a lasting self identity, it is the false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." This means that you will be allowed to play only two roles: that of "The Rescuer" and "The Perpetrator." Significantly, both of those roles "validate" her false self image of being "The Victim" because, if she were not a victim, you wouldn't be trying so hard to rescue her or to persecute her.

 

A BPDer will perceive of you as "The Rescuer" for a while, usually during the courtship period. When her infatuation starts to fade, however, you will increasingly become perceived as "The Perpetrator," i.e., the cause of her unhappiness and every misfortune. This means that she will believe every problem is your fault. In that way, she is able to continue thinking of herself as "The Victim."

 

Here she was asking for more.

If she is a BPDer, she has such a terrible feeling of emptiness that NOTHING is likely to make her happy for more than a few days. With my BPDer exW, for example, a very expensive gift usually would produce happiness for a few days -- or a week if it cost me several thousand dollars. Then she was right back to "What have you done for me lately?" A BPDer is a bottomless pit of need. Hence, trying to make her "happy" is as pointless as trying to fill up the Grand Canyon with a squirt gun.

 

Because a BPDer is emotionally unstable, it is impossible to build up a store of good will that you can later draw on during the hard days. A BPDer's perception of your intentions is dictated by the intense feeling she is experiencing at this very moment. The result is that your attempts to build up a lasting store of good will and appreciation (for your many sacrifices) is as futile as trying to build a lasting sandcastle beside the sea. It will be washed away by the next tide of intense feelings flooding her mind.

 

After 3.5 years...I've become extremely depressed.... an emotionless zombie.

Trap, if you really have been in a relationship with a BPDer for over 3 years, consider yourself lucky that you're only feeling "depressed" and like a "zombie." Because BPDers usually are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

Indeed, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. This is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

I'd really like to get some other's perspective on this.

Trap, if you ever feel inclined to reunite with this woman, I would suggest that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you have been dealing with. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy).

 

At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question.

 

I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as cutting, physical abuse, and temper tantrums.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If those descriptions ring many bells and raise questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Trap.

[amaysngrace]

Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu.

 

Jeez I thought everybody understood that

[itsatrap]

Trap, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., emotional instability, verbal and physical abuse, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, cutting, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you -- are warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I not suggesting that your exGF necessarily has full-blown BPD (only a professional can determine that). Rather, I'm suggesting she might be a "BPDer," i.e., a person whose behavior is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum.

 

The APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5) lists "self-harming behavior such as cutting" as a symptom for only one mental disorder: BPD. That is, of the 157 disorders identified, only BPD has "cutting" listed as a defining trait. Moreover, many studies have shown that self harm like cutting is strongly associated with BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, found that

Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but

the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder

. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma.

See

J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004

.

If your exGF is a BPDer, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. And this is why one of the 9 defining symptoms for BPD is "Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger." See 9 BPD Traits at NIMH.

 

Accordingly, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

"Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors" is another one of the 9 defining symptoms. It therefore is common for BPDers to abuse drugs or alcohol.

 

BPDers have such unstable, weak egos that they often feel like they don't know who they really are. To the extent they have a lasting self identity, it is the false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." This means that you will be allowed to play only two roles: that of "The Rescuer" and "The Perpetrator." Significantly, both of those roles "validate" her false self image of being "The Victim" because, if she were not a victim, you wouldn't be trying so hard to rescue her or to persecute her.

 

A BPDer will perceive of you as "The Rescuer" for a while, usually during the courtship period. When her infatuation starts to fade, however, you will increasingly become perceived as "The Perpetrator," i.e., the cause of her unhappiness and every misfortune. This means that she will believe every problem is your fault. In that way, she is able to continue thinking of herself as "The Victim."

 

If she is a BPDer, she has such a terrible feeling of emptiness that NOTHING is likely to make her happy for more than a few days. With my BPDer exW, for example, a very expensive gift usually would produce happiness for a few days -- or a week if it cost me several thousand dollars. Then she was right back to "What have you done for me lately?" A BPDer is a bottomless pit of need. Hence, trying to make her "happy" is as pointless as trying to fill up the Grand Canyon with a squirt gun.

 

Because a BPDer is emotionally unstable, it is impossible to build up a store of good will that you can later draw on during the hard days. A BPDer's perception of your intentions is dictated by the intense feeling she is experiencing at this very moment. The result is that your attempts to build up a lasting store of good will and appreciation (for your many sacrifices) is as futile as trying to build a lasting sandcastle beside the sea. It will be washed away by the next tide of intense feelings flooding her mind.

 

Trap, if you really have been in a relationship with a BPDer for over 3 years, consider yourself lucky that you're only feeling "depressed" and like a "zombie." Because BPDers usually are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

Indeed, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. This is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

Trap, if you ever feel inclined to reunite with this woman, I would suggest that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you have been dealing with. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy).

 

At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question.

 

I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as cutting, physical abuse, and temper tantrums.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If those descriptions ring many bells and raise questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Trap.

 

Wow, I'd really like to thank you for providing such a thorough, detailed response. This was what I was hoping for.

 

Maybe I should add a few more details

 

• In high school, one of her closest friends died.
  
• During university, she was sexually assaulted, and apparently the therapist she saw asked her what she could have done to stop it. She perceived this as victim blaming and refused to see a therapist again despite her current situation.
  
• She had a history of body image issues, as well as eating disorders.
  
• About two years ago now, her mother died after being diagnosed with cancer for the second time. Since then, she's been more emotional than ever, and was more and more dependent on me to keep her even keeled. I encouraged her to see a therapist in order to address these challenges, and create a long term strategy to improve her mental health, because I, frankly, was having a hard enough time handling my own challenges. She refused, no matter how many times I encouraged her to go.
   
  

 

Frankly, the last part of the issue is a huge problem. She lives at home with her now retired Dad, who's about as perceptive and supportive as a brick. Like most men, he's not intuitive to her feelings, and doesn't know how to help her which compounds the issue.

 

Overall, I'd have to say you're likely right on the money. It's unfortunate she refuses to get the care she needs... but I was not in the position to flush my career and limited energy I had down the drain for someone who can't help themselves.

 

With respect to reuniting with her, after looking at your reading your list, number 1 is right on the money. She sees things as black and white, and hates my guts now, and won't speak to me.

 

Overall, I'd say she easily exhibits 16 out of 18 signs of BPD on a fairly consistent basis. I understand that we all show a degree of BPD, but she REALLY shows some signs, and it might be worth having a conversation about it.

Edited November 9, 2017 by itsatrap

[Highndry]

Downtown is a wealth of knowledge. He helped me to understand what I was going through. Consider yourself lucky that she left you. You will do SO much better, trust me, especially with your education and career. There are top notch women out there for you, not that emotional vampire and freeloader.

[Downtown]

In high school, one of her closest friends died. During university, she was sexually assaulted.

Trap, if she is a BPDer, she is so immature that she lacks the emotional skills needed to handle those very stressful life events. It is unlikely, however, that they are the source of her underlying issues. Although the cause of having strong persistent BPD traits is not yet established, the current theory is that it likely is caused by a combination of genetics and early childhood environment. By "early," I mean "typically before age five."

 

She perceived this as victim blaming and refused to see a therapist again.

As noted earlier, a BPDer perceives herself as "The Victim." Moreover, she is unable to trust others for any extended period of time. Because this includes therapists, it is rare for a BPDer to seek therapy -- much less stay in it long enough to make a real difference.

 

She had a history of body image issues, as well as eating disorders.

Eating disorders apparently are common among BPDers. In 2010, the first longitudinal study on this subject was published, assessing the prevalence of eating disorders over 10 years in a large and well-defined sample of full-blown BPDers. It found that 54% of 290 borderline patients had a history of an eating disorder at the time of their admission to the hospital. By the time of their 10-year follow-up, this prevalence rate had declined to 20%. See Table 1 at Int J Eat Disor 2010.

 

 

She sees things as black and white, and hates my guts now, and won't speak to me.

BPDers can flip -- in less than a minute -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). And they can flip back again just as quickly. These rapid flips arise from "black-white thinking." Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). The result is that a BPDer has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships.

 

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away).

 

Overall, I'd say she easily exhibits 16 out of 18 signs of BPD on a fairly consistent basis.

Does this include sign #3 (irrational jealousy) and sign #9 (fear of abandonment)? I ask because, although you've not mentioned either of these behaviors, I've never heard of a BPDer who doesn't strongly exhibit both. One of the key features of a pattern of BPD behaviors is a great fear of abandonment.

[Chi townD]

Well, the moment she started to hit you, you should have been out the door. Women expect men not to hit them in anger, why is it so hard for men to expect the same? Women are just as violent, if not more so then men. No one deserves to get hit.

 

Be thankful you got out of that crap.