Chubby2 Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 We've been living together 6mths, going out 2 1/2 years. We Love each other to bits, but she says she's stuck in neutral as I can't commit to marriage and kids... Comes down to whether I see my partner as the mother of my children, and being together for the rest of our lives, but sadly after 2 1/2 years I know this isn't the case. Reasons: many - but mostly because as a partnership I don't think we have what it takes, we both need another to get us through most things, and neither of us could carry the other when it comes to rasing a family. I know I'd have to support her immensely and I just don't think I could cope with that and I don't want to enter into something I know I can't handle.... Am I doing the right thing?
lostinmymind Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 Yes, you are definitely doing the right thing. Never commit to something unless it's what you absolutely want. I would continue to think about things though, and keep in contact with her (don't string her along though). You may just need some time on your own. Committing to the rest of your life is scary and should not be taken lightly. Do what you think is right and do what you think will benefit both of you in the future. You may have to undoubtedly hurt her (and yourself), but people heal and learn from things like this. Good luck.
sundrop Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 I'm oing through the same thing with my ex. I wanted more and he was honest and could not give me more, Marriage, kids ec. I ended up ending the relationship, the hardestest thing I ever did, I think for both of us. I was really upset with him at first, but now respect him, because he was honest with me and loved me enough to let me go. It hurts like hell though.
Author Chubby2 Posted August 18, 2005 Author Posted August 18, 2005 Thanks you guys...still got the deep feelings of woe...how will she cope, she's so sweet & lovely...
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 The most encouraging thing my therapist said to me was to keep believing I'm doing the right thing (marriage separation).
sundrop Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 Chubby, This is the hardest way to break up with somone, you still have feelings for her and she does for you. You are going to have those feelings, and then you will doubt yourself for doing the right thing. My ex broke up with me about this time last year, fr the same reasons you are breaking up with yours. I begged for him to take me back and he did after a few months, but then this year, I began to think about a future and we were stuck where you are now and I had to end it this time. He tried to tell me and I thought maybe just a little while longer it will change, he will change his mind. I guess I was just dragging out the inevetable. I didn't understand why, when he frist broke up with me, we were doing so good, why? Now I know..... It hurts like hell. But he just had my best interest at heart. (I still hope he changes his mind) He told me he understood my decision, but didn't want me to leave, so now I am doubting my decision. But if this is how you truely feel dont doubt it. In the long run she will respect you for you letting her go, if she wants a family of her own. She will be mad as hell and angry, probably say hateful things to make you feel bad. So just be prepared, but know in your heart and tell yourself everyday that you are doign whats best for the both of you. ANd when its over, give yourself some space for one another.
Author Chubby2 Posted August 19, 2005 Author Posted August 19, 2005 Thanks Sundrop your experience certainly supports my thoughts, its just so hard to let my mind rule my heart....it sucks big time and I'm the one making it happen....god I hope she sees it that way....but yeah, at least she gets to open up a whole new future without wasting any more time on me....its so sad though.
strangelove Posted August 19, 2005 Posted August 19, 2005 Im sorry to see you are so sad Im not going to play twelve angry men here like I usually have to. But you just seem so sad Have you sat down and discussed it with her? Have you considered perhaps seeking out some counselling, a good one would be able to help you work through these issues. I only mention it cause you seem so sad. I have an off and on friend down the street he has a few kids. He lives in a 2 bdrm. His wife or girlfriend is there. I guess he seems to manage though. I kind of shrug him off at times, maybe seeing id like kids.. Its time to sit and chat with him. find out what his secret is. In any case you have to do what is best, but theres always other options..other forks in the road. ciao
lindya Posted August 19, 2005 Posted August 19, 2005 Reasons: many - but mostly because as a partnership I don't think we have what it takes, we both need another to get us through most things, and neither of us could carry the other when it comes to rasing a family. I know I'd have to support her immensely and I just don't think I could cope with that and I don't want to enter into something I know I can't handle.... Wow...that's one of the most honest and insightful things I've ever read here. It's a total no-blame, straight-to-the-heart-of-the matter approach. Very rare to see that. Now that you've identified this fear, would it be possible to discuss it with your partner so that the two of you can identify what the weaknesses are in the partnership - and whether it would be possible to improve on them? Or have you already made up your mind about this relationship? If you have, then it wouldn't be fair to create false hope by pretending you're willing to talk things through, and it could lead to a blame-game developing. You're not in an easy situation. Best of luck with it.
Mr.positive Posted August 19, 2005 Posted August 19, 2005 Originally posted by lostinmymind Yes, you are definitely doing the right thing. Never commit to something unless it's what you absolutely want. I would continue to think about things though, and keep in contact with her (don't string her along though). You may just need some time on your own. Committing to the rest of your life is scary and should not be taken lightly. Do what you think is right and do what you think will benefit both of you in the future. You may have to undoubtedly hurt her (and yourself), but people heal and learn from things like this. Good luck. I agree. Things like this are not easy. You do have to work hard at relationships though and build eachother up if they are weak in certain areas
Author Chubby2 Posted August 22, 2005 Author Posted August 22, 2005 Hi everyone, thanks for your support and replies, it really helps....she's away on business this week, so I couldn't bear to drop this on her on over the weekend.... Also, I've had a slight reprieve, as just putting thoughts to words has helped clarify the sitation and how much I love her. I thought why make it a self imposed ultimatum if there are still things to think through?...I think what Lindya is saying is a very valid....thank you so much. I do want to discuss it with her now, rather than just taking my assessment as the right answer. I have also considered not having children as an option, but then I feel I might be missing out on a huge part of life....but if I had them, I'd be streesed out to the max with coping, which wouldn't make for a good dad.....ahhhh life!!! Will let you know my thoughts as they start to settle....any other ideas greatfully received....thanks guys. Chubby
sundrop Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Good to hear from you Chubby, Glad you are thinking things through before you make a decisio you may regret. Best of luck to you.
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