Devestated out of the blue

[Jennakay08]

Hello I did not know where to really turn so I went looking for forums to kind of vent to. To make a really long story short, my now ex left me almost a month ago. We have a child together which is making things so much harder.

 

It was so out of the blue that I think I am still in the denial stage of everything. I think subconsciously he was ready to end things who knows when, I say that because about a year ago this time we were in search of a new house, he got everything ready to get one in a year and succeeded in that goal, I could not be on the mortgage because I had a point on my credit score, so of course the house is in his name ONLY. We moved in end of May early June and this was our dream home. I used to ask him why can't we get married and he would say "I'm buying a house with you, this is way bigger for me".

 

Well fast forward to a few months living in the house, he suffers from bi-polar and borderline personality disorder and things started to get rough for him, way more down spells way more emotional out bursts and yet I dealt with it because he had a terrible childhood and anyone that had that childhood would suffer the same. Not to mention I am madly in love with him and look past all that crap. So he started seeing a psycologist and doctor he got on some meds and things seemed to be looking up for us as a family.

 

Fast forward again 2 months later and he wanted us both to get new cars, so we went and purchased new cars, I did in my name and he did in his name, all the while something his psychologist said had been ringing in his head the whole time. He had been sleeping on and off the couch for 3 years for one reason or another. His psycologist said something of the nature "that may just be your subconscious telling you you dont belong together" dont quote me on that but something to that nature. So instead he thought it was a good idea we go get into more debt instead of talking through this with me.

 

Well a week goes by with our new cars, and I come home one day and he is sitting on the couch looking almost guilty, it was not like a normal "down" he had with bi-polar, I asked him what is wrong and he said nothing it will pass.I left it alone until the next day. Next day came and he basically told me what the psychologist said and that he didnt know what to think or believe about it but that we had to be done. He did this via text WHILE I AM AT WORK. The job I took doing what I love making less, because he assured me that we would be okay financially because of him.

 

So he tells me he is insistent on this decision and that is that. That I can stay in the house until I save up and find something. Well turns out living with me still was driving him crazy and he decided to pay my bills so I can save to move out. I'm now in my new place, tonight is really hard for me. I am lonely and devastated, he is so cold, its like I mean nothing to him. So badly I want him to realize the mistake he made. It is even harder that we have to have contact for the sake of our daughter. I hate this I wish I never trusted him not to do this. I hate that I was so dependent on a man, I was always an independent person. I let down every wall I ever had for him.

 

Anyways if you made it through this post thank you for reading. I just need to know how to move on. I just want to be over it already, I hate this pain. It did feel good writing this all out.

[sweetgirl75]

I am sorry for what you are going through. It is tough to go through a break up. No contact helps but since you have a daughter together that is really not entirely possible. No contact helps with the healing process. I guess limited contact will help get over him. Time will help too. I have had good support from this forum with things I have gone through. I hate that he put you into more debt with a new vehicle purchase. Maybe they will adjust his medication and he will come around and act better. I am hoping he will for the sake of you and your daughter so you can be a family together.

[Highndry]

It is impossible for you to see right now, but if he has Borderline Personality Disorder and is Bipolar, he just did you a huge favor. Those people will never be happy in a relationship. Do yourself a favor and heal, and find somebody who has the love for you that you deserve, not some emotional roller coaster ride from hell. I know, I just went through that nonsense with a presumably BPD woman.

[Jennakay08]

Thank you I know, it was a roller coaster and wish I could tell myself that. I wish I could hate him but I can't. He's so cold too, like I did something wrong here, like I didn't support all his damn mood swings. I'm just taking it all personally, rehashing what I couldve done differently. I wish there was some warning or this was a year ago when things were rough, he's self destructive and when things got good didn't think he deserved it or something.

 

I just miss him terribly, my weak moments Don't seem to be getting better, it's like an every other day basis. I feel like I'm going crazy here, but hoping it's all normal in a break up. I've never loved someone so much before, I've never let a man see all of me like I did him. I don't think I will ever have trust in a man again, ever.

[Downtown]

He suffers from bi-polar and borderline personality disorder.

Jenna, I agree with Highndry that your unstable H likely did you a favor by leaving. Having both of those disorders means that he likely is struggling with strong emotional instability. Moreover, that particular combination of disorders is not uncommon. About 70% of men suffering from full-blown BPD also suffer from a co-occurring mood disorder such as bipolar or major depression. About 37% of them have bipolar specifically. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

So he started seeing a psychologist and doctor he got on some meds and things seemed to be looking up for us as a family.

As you likely realize by now, meds can reduce bipolar mood swings but will not make a dent in BPD. Whereas bipolar is caused by body chemistry changes that can be treated with meds, BPD is believed to arise from a genetic over-sensitivity and lack of emotional skills -- neither of which can be modified by meds at this time.

 

I just need to know how to move on. I just want to be over it already, I hate this pain.

My experience (with my BPDer exW) is that there are several reasons why it is especially painful to leave a BPDer spouse. The primary reason is that walking away feels like you are abandoning a sick young child who, despite his periodic tantrums, dearly loves you. It feels that way because a spouse having full-blown BPD typically has the emotional development of a four year old. This is why a BPDer often exhibits the purity of expressions, exuberance, and emotional intensity that otherwise are only seen in young children. Moreover, although a BPDer is able to love very intensely, it is an immature form of love that falls far short of what is required to sustain a mature adult relationship.

 

A second reason is that, whereas narcissists and sociopaths will manipulate you with deliberate lies, a BPDer usually believes most of the outrageous allegations coming out of his mouth. Because his feelings are so intense, he is absolutely convinced they MUST be correct. Moreover, that sincerity and conviction usually will be obvious to you. Hence, because you know he loves you and truly believes most of his allegations, you mistakenly assume that -- if you can only figure out what YOU are doing wrong -- you can restore the R/S to that wonderful bliss and passion you saw at the beginning.

 

A third reason -- especially for excessive caregivers like me -- is that a BPDer relationship gives us an opportunity to experience the intoxicating feeling of being the nearly perfect person who has ridden in on a white horse to save our partner from unhappiness. Unfortunately, our desire to be needed far exceeds our desire to be loved. We therefore are strongly attracted to a child-like person who can project vulnerability across a crowded room. Indeed, if you ever see a Marilyn Monroe movie, you will see a BPDer woman who could project enormous vulnerability right off of a flat movie screen.

 

A fourth reason is that, because a BPDer so completely mirrors the best aspects of your personality and your preferences, you both mistakenly believe that you have found your "soulmate." Hence, even when you later start to question that belief intellectually, you still have to fight against the intense feeling that he is somehow perfect for you -- and is destined to be your lifetime mate. This, at least, is what I experienced when leaving my exW.

[Jennakay08]

Well you hit the nail on the head. Thank you for that, it truly helps me see that I deserve so much better. Does this mean he can't form any true relationship because of his disorders? I think I always felt bad because he couldn't help having this disorder, who can blame him? I wanted to be there and never give up on him. I feel bad that it's not his fault, but will he ever be happy you think?

[Downtown]

Does this mean he can't form any true relationship because of his disorders?

No. The vast majority of BPDers -- even those with the full-blown disorder -- are high functioning people. Published statistics suggest 2/3 to 3/4 of full-blown BPDers may be high functioning. This means that they typically hold jobs and generally get along fine with coworkers, clients, casual friends, and total strangers. None of those people is able to trigger the BPDer's fears of abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment.

 

Hence, with the vast majority of BPDers, the strong BPD symptoms usually appear only when someone (e.g., a casual friend) makes the mistake of drawing close to the BPDer. This is why it is common for high functioning BPDers to excel in very difficult jobs such as being a social worker, teacher, surgeon, professional actor, or salesman. And this is why most BPDers can be considerate and friendly all day long to complete strangers -- but will go home at night to abuse the very people who love them.

 

Will he ever be happy you think?

Yes, most likely. As noted above, the vast majority of BPDers are high functioning folks who are very productive members of society. Like other adults, they typically enjoy helping people and obtain much satisfaction from being productive. Their two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- usually are not triggered as long as nobody makes the mistake of trying to form a close LTR with them.

 

I think I always felt bad because he couldn't help having this disorder, who can blame him?

Of course, he is not responsible for acquiring the disorder -- or for his intense feelings. He should be held fully responsible, however, for the way he chooses to act on those feelings. This means it is important that you allow him to suffer the logical consequences of his bad choices. Like a young child, a BPDer will learn how to acquire more mature emotional skills only if he has an incentive to do so. Hence, if you continue to enable his bad behavior by protecting him from those logical consequences, you will continue to harm him by destroying the incentives he otherwise would have to acquire such skills and become more emotionally mature.

 

I wanted to be there and never give up on him.

If he suffers from full-blown BPD, your presence in his home is a double-edged sword that likely is hurting him as much as it is protecting him. Trying to help a BPDer by loving him is as counterproductive as trying to heal a burn patient by hugging him. Drawing close in intimacy is painful to BPDers. Although they typically crave intimacy like nearly ever other adult, they cannot tolerate it for very long because their sense of self identity is so fragile that they quickly start feeling like you are controlling or suffocating them. They may feel like they are losing themselves and disappearing into your strong personality.

 

Yet, when you back off to give him breathing room, your action will be just as painful to him. This predicament arises due to the position of the BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort him and assure him of your love, you will start triggering his engulfment fear, making him feel like he's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give him breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering his abandonment fear. Sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

[BluesPower]

Jennakay08, as hard as this if for you, and as bad as you feel about the decisions that you have made, I am here to tell you that with time, it does get better.

 

And I am also telling you that your H did you a favor and even though it hurts now, you will realize this in time.

 

I know because I have lived it. Life, kids and marriage are hard enough to navigate with out the additional stress of this type of illness.

 

Some people that are BPD (and a lot of bi-Polar people) can manage it and even thrive. But, some cannot. I am thinking that your H was one who can not.

 

I lived and took care of a wife with these types of issue as well as good drug abuse thrown in for good measure and it was a nightmare.

 

Take your time and heal OP, soon you will realize how much better off your are...