EnternalFlare Posted November 7, 2017 Posted November 7, 2017 Hello Love Fam! I'm only here to post what I have wrote in my journal in the past 4 months. Hopefully this will reach out to many people on this site and allow them to vent here, or ladies, if you want, hmu Note: All names have been altered to keep them anonymous This is a trilogy of posts 1st post: Background on past "L's" 2nd post: How I met my FWB 3rd post: My Experience Warning: This thread has no filter, it comes in raw. You'll see what I mean. August 31, 2017 – September 14, 2017: Desires or Poison? So… the first weeks of college are about over. While I admit that this has indeed been a long and eventful, it also opens the door for new adventures in the long run. Classes are great, I really feel like I have hit professor gold with this semester (Although as of writing this, I have yet to meet my Art professor). I have no doubt that she (or he) will be a good one as well. EDIT: I have met my Art Professor, she seems pretty cool too. Ok, enough stalling, time for the reason I’m really doing this in the first place. So, yesterday (30th), I had the pleasure of going to another dance. I was expecting it to be like all the other ones; boy I was wrong. The atmosphere felt more like a club than anything, I mean it was cool, but you know, I was not used to everything. What I did like were the girls. Woooow, yeah, they were hot alright. They were grinding up on themselves or some select few lucky bastards who got some. Of course, I want to get in on it too but… I got nothing. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Wow dude it’s just a dance, calm down”. I do understand your view, but this stung more on a personal level than anything. Let me explain, or shall I say rant? 2nd grade, first friend and love, Christine Brooks. Bottled up my feelings for 2 years or so until it got out. Hoping that I’ll get the answer I was looking for, I instead find out that she had a crush on another guy. I was devastated at first, but learned to just except her as a friend. Fast forward a few months afterwards, my close friend asks me who my crush was at the time. I, without thinking, say Sarah Hernandez. It was technically a lie, but overtime, my lie became reality. Next thing you know, I liked her. Stayed my crush for about 4 years until we gotten into a relationship. Yeah, this was during middle school, hormones and all, I didn’t even fully comprehend what it means to being a bf at the time (And in my opinion, I don’t think she did either). Anyways, she dumped me because something about not spending enough time with her (That’s how I remember it). She then proceeded to hop to another bf WHO WAS IN OUR GROUP almost instantly, which was just a dick move. It’s already tragic, but it only goes downhill from here. My entire high school “Love life” consisted of failure. There’s Brittney, who I started liking around 7th Grade, happened to be at the high school I went to. I hung out with her and her group until I finally confessed. She didn’t even take it that seriously. HERE’S HOW I KNOW SHE WASN’T INTO ME: One of her friends jokingly said to kiss. It caught me by surprise, but I was ready to do it, and she could have at least played along because she seemed to be the type. “Nah we’re not going to kiss” she whispers to me as she stalls them. After that day, I never hung out with them again. And for good reason too! It led to some unnecessary drama with my current best friend and seeing how she is now, I’m glad I jumped off that boat. Ok, next on the list… oh Emma! She wasn’t as significant as the others but is still relevant. I liked her for about a year. I finally confess to her via email only to find out that she’s been taken for half that time. If I reacted 6 months quicker, we could have either been dating, or it turning to a rejection story (most likely the rejection). I think you see the pattern here. I did too, which is why I only had small crushes for a while, all of which ended with them having a bf already. Now, for the mother of all bull**** crushes I’ve had: Victoria Lopez. Man, her presence makes me cringe on the inside. She’s a special case. It developed around last winter. I found her cute and was looking back to all my other failed attempts to make sure I don’t mess up. Tell her very soon? Check! Be a bit more upfront about it instead of hiding behind a screen? Check! Make sure she doesn’t have a bf before attempting? Check! All things in place, right? This is guaranteed to work this time… nope. I tell her, and she says “Oh, I think you are a special guy, but I’m not looking for a relationship right now.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but that did not sound like a flat-out rejection to me. It sounded like a “Not now, maybe in the future when I’m in the mood” kind of thing. I waited for a month, which was Valentine’s day. I sent her the big gift. She still said the same thing afterwards. I was under the impression I did not wait long enough, so I waited another month, which was around Prom. I was deciding to ask her out to Prom. But then, I get word that she’s going with another person “as a friend”. Look, if you’re going to Prom, and there’s somebody who likes you, why not consider taking that person instead? You can tell this bothered me and I just wanted to forget about her at that point. Not that easy, for you see, she keeps popping up every now and then. During GradNite, I see her and Johnny hang out alone a lot. That too bothered me and I tried to question her about it, trying to be understanding if they were a couple so I can get over it. She dodges my question and leaves me on read. OMG, this frustrated me too much. Then she indirectly tells me through her friend that I should “leave her personal life alone”. THAT’S IT! THAT’S THE LAST STRAW! I’M DONE WITH YOU! Trying to forget her is harder than liking her right now because SHE’S AT MY COLLEGE! I see her from time to time and I just get reminded of the emotional love roller coaster I’ve had with her and everyone else. Needless to say, the whole situation with her pisses me off. So here I am now, getting into college, seeing new people, and being reminded of what most high school guys should have experienced. I have not had a gf in 5 years. I have not been on anyone’s radar for the life of me. I am still a virgin. I HAVEN’T EVEN KISSED A GIRL! I can safely say, 95% of the people I know has kissed a girl; A REAL KISS! Not the weak ass cheek kisses that Brittney gave me (Although to be fair, they were for me so it’s special). Seeing everyone else getting gf’s, getting action, and making out all the time infuriates me because I never even came close to the luck they had. Potential girls that seem like a good fit have an even better fit while I’m left indirectly shut down. It’s time I change that. This entire rant was for me to get to my point. These experiences have really lowered my self-esteem when it comes to girls. It’s made me needy for love or sexual love. Heck, I’ll even say that’s what got me into porn into the first place! 5 years I have been waiting for an opportunity and every one of them just crashes down. My friend told me to wait until college to go for a gf. The thing is, I’m tired of putting time and effort into a girl only to have the entire setup be pointless. Which is why I’m going to take it one step further. I feel I deserve something for my troubles. So, in the near future, I will wish for a **** buddy. Yes, it will take effort for her, but if anything, I know it won’t be for nothing. You want to know why? I shall have my first attempt for recruitment on the party on the 16th (This Saturday). At the very least, my first goal is to hook up with a girl(s). The second goal is to get to third base (bj). The third goal is to experience sexual intercourse. Finally, the end goal would be to have a recruiter worthy of being “friends with benefits” or a **** buddy. This Saturday will mark the beginning of a new phase in my love life. This is where I will now take getting what I want into my own hands. I will update this Journal either Friday or Sunday (or maybe both) to tell how successful I was. Hopefully, my love experiences will finally pay off in the long run. October 3, 2017: What the F*** happened? Yeah, remember when I said I would update this like 3 days after the last entry? Well, I didn’t forget, it’s just that unexpected things got in the way. It’ll be hard to update this journal on a weekly basis, but at the very least once a month. So, you see the title, right? That’s probably the question everyone has and will be the theme of this entry: What the f*** happened? Let’s start from where we left off. The day after I decided I would go to that party for a **** buddy, I find out that it takes place all the way in Pasadena. That was too far! I don’t know Uber! I always assumed these parties would take place locally! Knowing I wouldn’t be able to make it, I took the weekend as time to plan out my next course of action. I didn’t really do anything about it until that until Thursday. I decided, that I would go to dating apps as strategy. I’ve always thought, since I was younger, that dating apps were stupid and people really should be going out and they’ll meet their love. The fact that I actually used them and have different opinions on them than before just shows how low my love life has gotten. With plenty of experimentation and testing, I’ve chosen three primary apps as my “mains” (Tinder, OKCupid, and POF). I’ll list my opinions on them and other ones here: Tinder: Thought it was stupid at first, with many people I knew showing up on there, but now it’s only slightly less stupid. Bumble: My first choice for this, I thought the fact women get to call the shots would have worked to my advantage, but it makes it way more tedious than it already is. Happn: Only pictures, not much to see. Moving on!!! FWB: Really tried to give this a chance, and it’s ideal for those looking for the same thing. However, the fact that there’s a bunch of other men on the same page and that you can’t message with a free account really drags this one down. OKCupid: Probably the best app on this list when it comes to finding the right person. Nobody answered me though, but I still have high hopes. Down: Seemed promising, didn’t work though. Disappointing. Whiplr: Now this was up my alley! Although, there were only a few people near here. That’s what disappointed me. CMB: Don’t remember anything wrong with this one, I just didn’t see anything in it… Oh wait! The girls on there were ONLY looking for a relationship. That was it! POF: Seems up there with OKCupid, but it’s fairly new to me. Badoo, Clover, and others: Pretty much the same case as CMB. That’s it for my rapid-fire reviews! And as much apps as I did, you’d think I’ve gotten progress in them. Well… there’s very little. What the f*** happened? Let me explain, the matches that I did get from those apps I messaged, but they never replied or carried an actual conversation. So, there was that, my determination was starting to fade. A week and a half of this and I was starting to lose hope. Then, just this last Monday, when I was in my journey to walk to Chick fil a, I run into someone from my camp. She happened to recognize me, but I didn’t recognize her (oops). Her name was Leslie. Why is she being brought up suddenly? Well, her significance is greater than you think, but I’ll get to that soon. I invited her to walk with me over there, and she agreed (over going to the library to study). I revealed to her my mission with the dating apps, and she tells me she’s on some too! She decided to help me on my journey and we ended up becoming friends on the dot. That’s… not all that started to happen. We would try to see each other whenever we can, yes, but with each meet up we got, it got progressively more intimate as we went on. It got to the point to where we would have physical contact often. Yesterday was pretty weird though. What the f*** happened? Well, we held hands at the table, we would look at each other in the eyes, and even link arms when we walked. The weirdest part was when we were on an elevator and we hugged affectionately. Afterwards we let go, and she blurts out quietly, “Why won’t you give me a chance???” Whaaaaaaaat??? I pretended that I didn’t hear that clearly, but she didn’t want to say it again (Woah, did she actually mean that? If so, then somethings going on with her…). Later that day, we went up to the roof of the building, alone… and I’ll finish this later. #Cliffhangers #WhatTheF***Happened? Part 2 Sorry about that. It’s almost as if I planned it to cut off like that, but I swear I had to go at that time. Because you were so kind to wait for me, this entire entry is going to be longer than it was supposed to be. Why? Because **** just went down that you are definitely going to be glad you waited for it! What the f*** happened? We’ll get there soon enough. So, where did I leave off? Oh, where we headed to the roof! So, before I had to take her to class, I wanted to chill under the shade, I had changed my mind because I had a boner and I didn’t want her figuring it out. But being the investigator she is, we head up to the roof of the building to talk about it. Once we were up there, I confessed about the boner, and for the remainder of the time up there, I acted weird and avoided specific questions. I didn’t know what was up, so I took that time afterwards to figure out what the f*** happened. My only logical conclusion was that I had caught some sort of feelings for her. I felt I had to tell her that day or it would have haunted my mind for who knows how long. Luckily, we were meeting up later that day, so I could do it! I didn’t do it. I chickened out as the conversation went on, so yeah. Before you become disappointed though, I texted her what I was feeling after I left, because I’ve made the mistake of waiting too many times to have it happen to me again. Our text conversation really turned sexual after I told her. Not to the point where it’s considered sexting, but still pretty steamy. This is where I would have stopped, but there’s more now. (All that’s being told now happened literally 2 hours ago as I am typing) After my class was over (the reason why I left), I went back to my dorm to relax. I get a text saying if she wants to hang out again. You and I both know, that after what had happened the day before, **** was about to go down that afternoon. We meet up like usual and head to yogurt land. It actually felt like any other time we hung out, physical touches and everything. UNTIL, we sat dawn near the fountain. She brings up the conversation we had the day before (It was inevitable). We have a good chat on what my feelings and intentions are. That’s the thing, I didn’t know at the time, but I did know the weirdness started happening when we were at the roof. So, we went to the roof. We talked some more. THEN, she said a phrase that confirms your theories: “Well, usually people try to figure out if the feelings are real by either kissing or a long-term relationship”. Woah… So, of course I chose for the kiss, because I didn’t see the relationship part happening at the moment. I prepared myself, took a deep breath, and went in. Ahhhhhh!!! Ok, here’s how it went down: We kissed that first time, it was just a regular ol kiss. That would have been fine for me, but nope, things escalated. We started to kiss again, but this time it was longer and deeper than last time. We then proceeded to make out and OMG was it amazing. I don’t know how experienced this girl is, but damn! She definitely has done this for a while, because it was tongue action, lip biting, and groping all over. That lasted for a good 30 seconds, and by the end of it, my legs were shaking and I was struggling to keep my composure. I had to process how this happened and layout our scenarios. If I remained regular friends with her, I would have to bury these thoughts away and continue my journey for another 50 years. If I gotten into a relationship with her, sure it would have satisfied her needs, but I did say I didn’t want to commit because of everything that happened in my rant (previous entry). If I make her into the FWB situation that I have been pursuing for so long, not only do I get what I want, but she’ll have something fun to have before matching up to a relationship with somebody on her dating apps. So, we mutually decided to become FWB (Yay!). The only catch is, I don’t know how long it’ll last, and the moment she goes into a relationship, this will disappear. We go towards the elevator, proceeds to grab my already hard cock and make out one more time. Mmmm, this is definitely going to be a sign for the future! So that’s the f*** that happened (no pun intended). This can honestly be on my top 5 list of best days ever. I did nothing in my classes, got my official first kiss with a story that doesn’t disappoint, and I ended up finding what I wanted all along. What’s going to be the point of these logs if I finally gotten what I wanted? I’ll probably update this sooner rather than later, or when something else big happens. Anyways, I’ll see you in the future to tell you stories about this action I’m gonna get. Stay tuned! October 30, 2017 – November 1, 2017: Turns out, it is just poison. I guess you can call this What The F*** happened part 3, but that’ll just be milking the theme. With every hill there is a high point and a low point. What I had experienced in my last entry was my high point, and what you will soon learn that things will only go down from here. Last time, on Dragon ball Z… I had just found the FWB I have been looking for. Had my first kiss with a make out session on top of that. Things looked like it was going to be great! Was it what it was cracked up to be? Find out now! Our first meetup was in the library, we rented out a study room and worked on stuff. During the time though, she was feeling my pants… oh yeah. She was willing to go to the roof again, where we would probably make out again. But I, stupidly, remind her about her paper she was working on (because it was due in like an hour or something). Long story short, we didn’t even go to the roof. Disappointing, but I knew there would be more opportunities… right? The day after rolls along and we hang out by heading to our “Jamba Juice” clone. We sit down afterwards and she has a worried look on her face, so I ask what’s wrong. She tells me that she doesn’t mind the kissing, but me wanting all the good stuff can’t happen because I’m underage. A little background: At the time of typing, there is only 2 weeks until my birthday; she’s 18. I explain to her that many people have lost their virginities before they were even 18. Take my high school friend for example. She’s had sex and bf’s more than I can count, and I always envied her because of it. I’m pretty sure she lost her virginity at middle school, just like some others. Now, I know middle school feels too young, and in my opinion it is, but the point here is that all those cases were illegal, and this one isn’t any different. Of course, she doesn’t have it, and considers cutting it off (That’s where I should have dropped it, more on that later). A week goes without seeing her. I am antsy and a bit upset the entire week. After that make out session, I craved for more, but I couldn’t find the right moments to do so. I see her Monday of next week, and she tells me that she was busy with her sorority and classes. I was totally ok with her being busy because I know they are very time consuming and she at least told me afterwards. We hang out that Monday and Wednesday, but I notice a substantial drop in physical and emotional connection. We didn’t kiss, but we did touch each other albeit not how we used to. On the Wednesday, there was a blood drive, and she had somehow convinced me to draw blood. She went in first and successfully donated blood. I go in and can’t donate because I’m still a minor. And that, my peeps, is the moment that crashed me back to reality. I knew, that this had to be talked about now, or else I will be thinking about it for the rest of the weekend. So, we meet up at “our spot” and talk about the game plan. We both want our first time to be special (oh I forgot to mention, she’s a virgin too). Anyways, we agree to wait until after my birthday to do all of that. I didn’t mind, it was good that we talked it out. I should have made a move right then and there, but didn’t cause I was too focused on the talk. Here comes silence #2. I didn’t see her for another week, despite hitting her up wanting to. Last Thursday, I asked her how busy she’s been nowadays… Guess what she says? “I’ve been around and plus, if you wanted to hang out, you not only have to pay for me in a way, but for my sister”. Ok… I got this text before my class, so I skimmed it and thought nothing of it. But then, after reading it again did I see the issue. During our times out I wanted to be a gentleman and pay whenever we had lunch. Not knowing that by doing this, she had turned it into a norm. When she assumed that I would pay for both of them, red flags happened all around. I checked in with multiple friends about this and they all said the same thing: “She’s a bitch. She’s just using you for money”. All my emotional connections with her just dropped, and I gave her the silent treatment. Unsurprisingly, I felt upset just like last time, but I had to ignore her. I plotted what I would do if I see her again. The gentleman side of me died in our FWB relationship and came the dark side I’d always tried to conceal. I wanted her to hmu for a hangout, where I would hopefully guide her to the roof, pin her against the wall and let all my upset into a lustful, steamy make out session. I wanted to go all out, I didn’t care anymore. I get a text 5 days afterwards. She wants me to buy a mango smoothie with iron. It was time to put my foot down… gently. Told her that I was on a budget and I couldn’t pay for it because of that. THEN, she says “I’ll pay you back”. First off, WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY THAT ALL THE OTHER TIMES?? I have paid for you countless times and the moment I decline, you say you’ll pay me back. I don’t trust it, because I have had friends in the past that say they’ll pay me back but haven’t (You remember those hypocrites?). While I have her in another conversation that I know she can’t ignore, I ask her if she want to hang out, for her to text me (I was done chasing, wanted her to do it this time). Her response: “Uh no, not into that thing so yeah”. What thing? Did I imply that I wanted to only kiss and do stuff to her (even though I want to)? If so, then I understand. Was it just hitting me up when she’s free? Because she’s done that at the very beginning, but hasn’t done it recently. Nevertheless, I ask her, and she says she wants to talk. Finally, I knew, she was gonna call off the entire thing. It honestly was a sigh of relief and I was ready to move on. So, contently go to meet her with a positive look on things and peacefully end things… is what I wished happened. I go to meet her, and, like I predicted, she calls it off. Boom! Done… nope. At that moment I realized she was a bit bitter. What I mean is that she did not smile AT ALL. Of course, in usual breakups, nobody smiles or even thinks happily. I made light jokes like the place we sat looked like an office and even greeted her with a random surfer hand pose, NOTHING. My usual self had no impact on lightening up the mood. I needed closure from all of this, because if I don’t, it’ll be stuck in my mind and be weird if I bring it up in the future with her. Here’s a kind of Q and A. It is not in order, so I apologize if the order doesn’t make sense. Don’t remember exact quotes but I’ll fill it in to the best to my ability. Key: Q = Question A = Answer C = Comment () = Internal thought Q: What made you change your mind? A: I was talking to my friends and “sisters” (anonymously), and I want to wait for the right person to do it with. Plus I’m more into a relationship and you wanted FWB. ---C: I was actually considering it. I wanted to see how this went and then make it official. ---A: That’s not how I roll. I rather go into a relationship rather than your way. Otherwise it would be about just sex and stuff and not lust. ---C: (“That’s actually a valid point, but it can still be about lust too” is what I wanted to say, I just nodded.) Q: How come you didn’t answer me back to tell me when you were busy? A: Sometimes my phone is off or I don’t check it. If I am busy, I just don’t check. You don’t know when I’m busy, I don’t know you want to hang out, You just hit me up not knowing that. ---C: That would have been good to know earlier, you know. Just for like future reference. ---A: Also, another thing, you text me like “I’ll be at the study room in 10 minutes”, I could be busy! ---C: You should have told me then! It takes like 10 seconds! I would understand, then you could just tell me when you’re free. ---A: I just don’t answer the texts. Q: Do you regret doing this at all? A: Sort of. Just because I was mostly busy with my sorority and school. ---C: Well, it’s good that you prioritize. C: I’m just glad that I can take what I learned and apply it to the next relationship. A: Well, you didn’t really learn anything in a way. You need to know how a girl is feeling, like if she stays silent and doesn’t want to talk. ---C: (Didn’t say anything, just nodded, but wanted to say **** you.) C: lol, I need to get the stupid questions out of the way now (still didn’t budge, wow…) Q: Was our kiss at least on par with your last bf? You could also say it doesn’t matter. A: It doesn’t matter. I don’t compare kisses. I don’t compare anything. ---C: Fair enough. Q: You still on the dating apps? A: Yeah, but I don’t check it. Why does it matter to you? ---C: It doesn’t! I was just wondering. That was pretty much all the significant questions and comments made. You read it right? Notice how she shoots down every ounce of light-hearted positivity I try to bring into the conversation. Also, she had a sassy attitude with every answer she gave (If you want to, read it again with that in mind, that’s what I dealt with). I did not like that at all. After all of the negativity, I try to go for a formal or friendly handshake. She just walks away without saying bye. I EVEN SAY BYE TO HER AND SHE JUST IGNORES ME. I officially deem her worse than the Victoria situation. At least she was nice and kindly told me the truth (except for a few occasions) This girl is just a bitch. I was just hurt afterwards. Not because it ended, but the way it ended ruined all my better judgement of her. She could have answered more reasonably and kinder, but she just laid into me the entire time. So, what’s the plan now? Let me start off by saying that for me, love and desires are poison. Every time I think I found a really nice girl could start something with, she turns out to either be taken, or have serious baggage that somehow flings itself at me. I would probably stop looking for a FWB or even a **** buddy, but this is just only one terrible case that was a waste of time. I know that out there, there is a FWB that really is nice, looking for the same thing I am, and not a total bitch. My search is being put on overdrive to find the one. After this case, it has only grown my passion to find one who’s right for me. Will I ever update this journal? Only if something significant happens, but don’t expect another one for at least another month, or heck maybe this year for that matter. The main purpose of this was to vent out my frustrations of my love life. Nothing is really going to happen anytime soon, I’m sure of it. And if it does happen, I’ll be sure to let you in. With that being said, it’s been a pleasure venting here. See you in my next big adventure!
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