lericenciel Posted November 6, 2017 Posted November 6, 2017 5 years ago I met a girl abroad. We were both 27. She was the hottest girl I had ever met. We connected really well too. It was perfect. We hung out every day and when I was about to fly, I threw away my ticket. I ended up staying with her for 5 months in Korea. During that time we encountered lots of issues. I was young, innocent and very judgemental about love and relationships at that time. As I had only been in 2 long term relationships, I didn't understand the choices, baggage and sexual histories that she had gone through. I had explained my whole life and past relationships to her. At that time, I had no shame or secrets and answered everything truthfully. I really wanted her to reciprocate. She didn't. She did odd things like: 1) she talked about her own exes, sexual/relationship happenings but explained the story as if it were about her friends. Gradually I caught on that she was talking about herself. When I enquired further, she refused to explain. she peaked my curiostiy and then shut up shop. I was judgemental and she wanted to give a pristine image. Her refusal to explain antagonised me even more. 2) she would leave her apartment with lots of stuff from her exes. I would open a book and her exes photos would fall out, old roses she kept, letters etc. In those 5 months in a different country, I basically cabin fevered without a job and lots of free time. We often had fights, I couldn't let it go. I was stuck in the apartment. I did something really stupid one day. I looked into her facebook and emails etc. At that time it was totally justified. She kept me in limbo and I needed answers. I found out a lot of stuff that made me understand her better, but I also found out a few things that made me even more paranoid. After I left Korea to return back to London, we kept up the relationship long distance. I kept her log in info and checked in on her occasionally. It was almost like a form of security for me. One day I found out that she lied to me when she said she was hanging out with a girlfriend, when actually she hung out with a guy. I was totally deflated. She lied to me. Instead of breaking up with her, I gave her a chance, but we both grew distant. Whenever she stopped talking with me for periods of time, I knew that she was dating another guy. I lived my life quietly, waiting for her, and in mourning. She would call me back out of the blue, sounding sad and I knew that she must have broken up. This happened a few times. I was saddened every time. She found out that I had been looking through her online stuff and we broke up. I thought, for good. I felt bad for spying in the end. Some time after, she came back to me and understood why I was so paranoid. We tried long distance again, however, gradually, our communication became mundane and just less. We couldn't trust each other anymore. I learned about tinder and so forth. I started dating and it felt great. I realised that as I had always been in long terms, I had never really dated casually. In the times that me and the korean girl broke up, or not contacted, I was dating away. I gained a lot of experience and confidence. Whilst I felt that I was finally getting over her, I didn't meet a single girl that measured up to her. One day, last May, she suddenly turned up on my doorstep in London with her suitcase, asking to try again. I had just ended a short 3 month relationship and I was single. I let her in, surprised, and we got straight back together. She stayed with me for 3 months before leaving back to korea. I then went to visit her for a week, and we seemed to be going great. ... This weekend I slept on Friday and didn't pick up her calls. She accused me of cheating on her. She confessed proudly that she looked through all of my emails, facebook, etc and began sending me photos of all the conversations I had with other girls. I didn't feel that I needed to justify myself to her anymore. I offered to break up for good this time. Our hearts are both like stone now, as we have shown that we have no trust or respect for each other. 5 years later, it seems to be her turn to hack my accounts. It is clear that without trust, we can never work. Now, this morning, she's messaging me asking for understanding and that she never really wanted to read my online stuff. She is asking for us to stay together and keep trying, to work through it. What should I do?
PegNosePete Posted November 6, 2017 Posted November 6, 2017 What should I do? You should do what you should have done long ago! she talked about her own exes, sexual/relationship happenings but explained the story as if it were about her friends. Gradually I caught on that she was talking about herself. When I enquired further, she refused to explain. she peaked my curiostiy and then shut up shop. I was judgemental and she wanted to give a pristine image. Her refusal to explain antagonised me even more. 2) she would leave her apartment with lots of stuff from her exes. I would open a book and her exes photos would fall out, old roses she kept, letters etc. THIS is the point you should have said "look it's been great getting to know you but I don't think we're compatible as a couple. I've bought a new ticket and I'm leaving tomorrow. Goodbye".
Ieris Posted November 7, 2017 Posted November 7, 2017 @lericenciel ~ You've given it a few tries already and it just doesn't look like it's going to work so I think you should move on...
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