Mr.positive Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 So me and my girl are not together anymore but were still dating eachother. weird I Know. She keeps telling me to be with other girls but shes the one that I want to be with right now. We had alot of problems in our relationship from the begining but we went through alot of sht together as well, dealing with our issues and what have you. but we still made it through it. After growing so close to this person , Now I have no fn Idea what's goin on. Were lving in 2 different places right now and only see each other once a week or so. We still have sex and as of my knowledge shes not seeing anyone else at the time I'm just very confused. A good friend of ours told us to try this because we really never got a chance to date in the beggining. He said that we are 2 different people now and that we have to get to know eachother all over again. which makes perfect sense. but we were together fo 2 years and now were not it's just really hard. And were probably going to move in together in a month or 2 but I'm Frekin out right now . Any thoughts on this?
Merin Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 After being in an exclusive relationship with someone for 2 years, IMO it isn't possible to then back track (so to speak) to being casual as there is usually one person who is still wanting the exclusive/serious relationship. Your Girl seems that she is wanting to explore other potential Guys and doesn't want to feel guilty in doing so, hence she is still seeing you (maybe as a back up plan incase things don't work out else where) but is essentially free to also date others at her discretion. IMO IF someone really cares and loves you they wouldn't risk loosing you to someone else with this kind of arrangement.. If you're able to be cool with this arrangement then good to go... I know for me there is zero way I would continue to casually date my now Exclusive Boyfriend.. I love him and seeing him on a casual basis with the idea he may be seeing others wouldn't be okay with me, and if he was encouraging me to see others as well, it would indicate to me that he didn't care enough about loosing me... My 2 cent's
Author Mr.positive Posted August 18, 2005 Author Posted August 18, 2005 Thank you. I forgot to mention that my friend is highley intelegent and has done alot of things in his life. She has also told me that she will not see anyone else during this time period.
Merin Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 Originally posted by Mr.positive She keeps telling me to be with other girls but shes the one that I want to be with right now. Now I have no fn Idea what's goin on. We still have sex and as of my knowledge shes not seeing anyone else at the time IME when a person you've been in a relationship with starts encouraging you to see other people, this isn't a good sign... again this would indicate to me that person isn't concerned about loosing you and would also indicate to me there is more than one reason they may be encouraging you to see others, such as it is what they are going to do and it would lessen the guilt if you did so as well.. thats just my opinion. Originally posted by Mr.positive Thank you. I forgot to mention that my friend is highley intelegent and has done alot of things in his life. She has also told me that she will not see anyone else during this time period. In your orginal post you said "To your knowledge" your girl isn't seeing anyone else, that didn't indicate to me that she had told you she wasn't going to see others especially when she is encouraging you to do so... I'm sure your Friend is intelligent and has done many things in his life, I don't question that at all... My point was/is when a relationship has been exclusive and serious it is very difficult to step that far back and have a casual relationship when your heart STILL wants an exclusive/serious relationship with this girl.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 She's having the type of relationship with you that works for her right now. As long as she is having and enjoying this relationship that she wants, and it continues to work for her there is a zero chance that she will even consider going back to the type of relationship she just downgraded you from. It sounds like her feelings for you have been reprioritized, and she has a considerably lower emotional investment in you now. The type of relationship she has ('dating', minimum commitment, sex when she wants it) is a direct reflection of how much (and how little) love she has left for you. Your friend had an interesting idea about the 'getting to know each other again' thing - but one thing to understand is that she could have as easily done this as part of enhancing your existing relationship, and continuing to deepen the bond of commitment between you two. Part of that, is getting to know each other in different ways every day as a part of your existing commitment. Do you really think that breaking up with someone and giving them an emotional downgrade is going to help the two of you 'get to know each other better'? Since when did putting great emotional distance between two people = getting a chance to know each other better? Second chances are risky. The only way a second chance will work is if you put it out of your mind that you are 'getting back together' - a second chance is an entirely new relationship, and a person who walked out of the first chance is not under any circumstances going to come back or stay in a second chance if the factors that ended the first chance are still present. Now, sometimes there are things that you can change or reprioritize that will make the necessary changes - but if those factors that ended the first chance lie in the heart of the person who walked out (they fell out of love with you, or simply no longer wish to go back to what they had with you) - then there is a zero chance of a 'second chance'. I guess it will entirely depend on whether or not your 'friend' has the emotional investment for you still in her heart enough to want to try a second chance. It sounds though, like your second chance is happening now and this is as much as it will ever be. You can wait it out, but as long as she is content this way - you'll be waiting a long, long time, and you'll likely end up losing her completely when she finds someone for whom she has a higer emotional investment in. The question is: do you volunteer to stay in this unhappy situation, or do you let her know that your love for her is simply too great to be able to cope with this type of relationship, and cut your losses?
Author Mr.positive Posted August 18, 2005 Author Posted August 18, 2005 I did not want it to be this way but the last time I asked him for advice and he gave it to me, I didn't listen and thats why I'm in this predicament right now. He only has the best intention for us. I do feel like she dosn't love me anymore. But she did just as many things wrong in the relationship as I did and she puts all the blame on me because of her issues which is not fare to me . I'll admit when I do something wrong but she will not. And she will refuse to talk about anything. Shell always says she wants to talk to me at night but then causes something to happen so we can't talk . Drama etc... I just want to fix everything and forget about it. Just want to be happy with her.
Author Mr.positive Posted August 18, 2005 Author Posted August 18, 2005 Thank you for your help very sorry about the confusion . I'm pretty stressed about the whole thing.
lostinmymind Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 She just sounds immature to me. She doesn't know what she wants, and she needs to go through new experiences to figure that out. This seems like the most common thing I see on LS. Don't let this type of relationship you are having with her continue. It will only hurt you in the long run. Tell her you love her, and that there is only one way you see her in your life...in a committed relationship. You need to go your own ways OR remain as acquaintances. DO NOT position yourself to be a 'guy-friend'. Spend time trying to get over her. It is clear that you see negatives about your relationship. Put your energy into focusing on those. Just because you get over her does not mean you can't someday have a future together. "Right person, wrong time." or maybe you will find out she is just the wrong person all along.
Recommended Posts