Nothingtolose Posted November 5, 2017 Posted November 5, 2017 I ended my relationship with my ex of 3 years almost 2 months ago. We'd been having big issues for a very long time, he kept promising he'd work on certain things (especially his addiction to weed and booze) and it never happened, so I had to walk away. I was technically the dumper, but it was a forced dump. He was doing nothing to improve our relationship and I could no longer wait around for him to change. I was tired of hurting and crying all the time. When I finally called it quits, I still had a small glimpse of hope that he'd wake up, go book the counselling he'd promised, and try to do something to save us. He didn't. His lack of trying and apathy towards our break up has made me developed a hatred towards him. At the start I thought I could be friends, but now I can't stand the thought of him and all the time I wasted, for nothing. He has only reached out over minor things we needed to sort out (returned keys, owed money, shared accounts etc). Every time he did reach out, it made me so angry that he only reached out to talk about this stuff and not to say he missed us or to ask how i was doing. What an idiot I was for 3 years. Now all that stuff is resolved, so he probably will never reach out to me again. It seems like our break up did not affect him at all. I wanted to be the bigger person and keep him on my fb (he never posts anything so there is nothing to see there), but now I think I just want to erase him from my life completely, although I worry it may seem petty. I have no desire to get back together, but his complete apathy towards us makes me feel sick and I hate him deeply for it. How do I move past this anger?
Vanity1 Posted November 5, 2017 Posted November 5, 2017 I was with an alcoholic, cocaine user, weed user,abuser, abondoned on abortion day, cheated on. And like you, he acted like he did not care...and like u I was angry as hell! ...still angry you'll find yourself crying periodically BUT, you get used to it and time heals all, for real. Sit back and go through the emotions, go nuts. And you'll find yourself caring less and less.
todreaminblue Posted November 5, 2017 Posted November 5, 2017 anger often comes from unresolved hurt......when you deal with the hurt and nurture that inner child that feels abandoned and uncared for.......you heal and move past hate.....the adult in us know that people move on people dont or might not care for us like we care for them...that inner child though.....takes longer to heal.....you just have to be there for that child do the things you love to do ..whatever makes your heart happy...hang around people who make your heart happy and loving..... treat yourself to beautiful things..(doesnt have to cost).....a day in the sun on a beach eating apples........a moonlit walk...whatever sets your heart to dream.....see the beauty in the everyday and love it.........dont keep expectations on anyone but live your life with love...hate has no room where love and happiness resides......i wish you peace...deb 3
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 5, 2017 Posted November 5, 2017 Therapy helps. It did for me anyway. Also, I found that listening to Christian music in my car (which was when I was most apt to dwell on my hatred) helped a lot, too. It forced my brain to focus on something a tad more constructive! 3
Author Nothingtolose Posted November 5, 2017 Author Posted November 5, 2017 I was with an alcoholic, cocaine user, weed user,abuser, abondoned on abortion day, cheated on. And like you, he acted like he did not care...and like u I was angry as hell! ...still angry you'll find yourself crying periodically BUT, you get used to it and time heals all, for real. Sit back and go through the emotions, go nuts. And you'll find yourself caring less and less. Sorry to hear that. I'm just now realizing how addicts are capable of completely numbing their emotions - I guess that's why they resort to those things in the first place. 2
amaysngrace Posted November 5, 2017 Posted November 5, 2017 I don't understand why you'd knowingly get involved with someone who abuses substances then be angry at them for using. Is that so you don't have to grow yourself because I'm pretty sure he was a conscious decision you made or did he hold a gun to your head when he made you be his girlfriend?
Vanity1 Posted November 5, 2017 Posted November 5, 2017 I don't understand why you'd knowingly get involved with someone who abuses substances then be angry at them for using. Is that so you don't have to grow yourself because I'm pretty sure he was a conscious decision you made or did he hold a gun to your head when he made you be his girlfriend? Sometimes you don't realize how bad it is because they hide it really well. And when you're not use to be around addicts that's what happens
Author Nothingtolose Posted November 5, 2017 Author Posted November 5, 2017 I don't understand why you'd knowingly get involved with someone who abuses substances then be angry at them for using. Is that so you don't have to grow yourself because I'm pretty sure he was a conscious decision you made or did he hold a gun to your head when he made you be his girlfriend? I knew he smoked weed, and was fine with the occasional use. I also thought he drank socially, like I/ most people do. I didn't realize it was a daily occurance until later in our relationship - to be fair, definitely didn't realize how bad it was and how much it affected him and our life together until I moved in with him a year later. And yes, at that point I should have walked, but he kept promising to reduce, that he was going to go to counselling etc...but it just never happened. He said I was an unsupportive girlfriend for pressuring him...so I tried to wait and give him time so he'd be ready to do it in his own time, but unfortunately the time never came. I'm way more aware now and would walk away if I noticed these red flags at the beginning, but unfortunately i wasn't so aware back then.
basil67 Posted November 5, 2017 Posted November 5, 2017 I don't know where this 'forced dump' idea came from (you're not the only person to say it) but there's no such thing. You ended it, so you were the dumper. And you dumped him for very good reason - so don't be shy about owning it. You did good! When you dump someone, the sharing of feelings is over. For the dumpee, it's not uncommon to hide any hurt or sorrow. I mean, you've been dumped so what's the point of discussing feelings with the person who dumped you? It could also be about him preserving whatever dignity he has left. That said, he might also be feeling a great sense of relief now that it's all over and he can continue with his lifestyle of choice. 1
amaysngrace Posted November 5, 2017 Posted November 5, 2017 I'm way more aware now and would walk away if I noticed these red flags at the beginning Then thank him in your heart since being with him helped you grow. That's how you get past the hatred. You realize he wasn't the one you're suppose to be with or raise a family with, you accept that he is who he is and you can't change another, and you recognize the relationship taught you something very valuable about yourself moving forward. A lot of times relationships are just a stepping stone to get us someplace higher. Find your gratitude to get past the hate.
warp123 Posted November 5, 2017 Posted November 5, 2017 (edited) It happened to me with a cheating girlfriend that i had. First it was hate because she cheated on me. Now, its neutral, any kinds of memories and feelings are deleted, shes just a stranger. I couldnt care less about her existence. Hate is just a stage, give it some time. Edited November 5, 2017 by warp123 1
Author Nothingtolose Posted November 5, 2017 Author Posted November 5, 2017 It's funny because today he did reach out just to check in and ask how my course is doing, and how work is etc. I responded in a polite manner, but the truth is, it did not make me feel any better. Seeing his name on the screen just made me feel really sad again. He caused me a lot of grief during our relationship, took me for granted, and still hasn't taken any accountability for any of it, never thought to even apologize for the things he promised he'd do and didn't...I'd love to receive a msg along the lines of "you know what? I did mess up. I'm sorry I made false promises and could not give you what you needed." - but that is just too much to expect from an immature person. I'm going to have to find a way to move on without the apology/acknowledgment that I know I'm never going to receive.
Highndry Posted November 5, 2017 Posted November 5, 2017 It's funny because today he did reach out just to check in and ask how my course is doing, and how work is etc. I responded in a polite manner, but the truth is, it did not make me feel any better. Seeing his name on the screen just made me feel really sad again. He caused me a lot of grief during our relationship, took me for granted, and still hasn't taken any accountability for any of it, never thought to even apologize for the things he promised he'd do and didn't...I'd love to receive a msg along the lines of "you know what? I did mess up. I'm sorry I made false promises and could not give you what you needed." - but that is just too much to expect from an immature person. I'm going to have to find a way to move on without the apology/acknowledgment that I know I'm never going to receive. You dumped him, yet you're looking for an ego boost from him. Haven't you ever stopped to consider that you may have crushed his ego and hurt him tremendously? The last person I'd go sharing my feelings with is my ex-girlfriend. As others have said, there's no such thing as a "forced dump." When we love people we love them "warts and all" as they say. There's nothing wrong with breaking up with somebody because they have substance abuse issues and it's affecting your life and you don't see a future there. But once you end it with somebody, that person owes you nothing. Those feelings of anger and sometimes hatred are a natural response to extreme pain from loss, but usually they're reserved for the dumpee. I really don't understand it from a dumper's perspective.
Author Nothingtolose Posted November 5, 2017 Author Posted November 5, 2017 You dumped him, yet you're looking for an ego boost from him. Haven't you ever stopped to consider that you may have crushed his ego and hurt him tremendously? The last person I'd go sharing my feelings with is my ex-girlfriend. As others have said, there's no such thing as a "forced dump." When we love people we love them "warts and all" as they say. There's nothing wrong with breaking up with somebody because they have substance abuse issues and it's affecting your life and you don't see a future there. But once you end it with somebody, that person owes you nothing. Those feelings of anger and sometimes hatred are a natural response to extreme pain from loss, but usually they're reserved for the dumpee. I really don't understand it from a dumper's perspective. Maybe you've never been in this position then. I loved the guy, and did not want to dump him. But by staying in the relationship the way it was, I was essentially abandoning myself and my values. I could have stayed, but I would have been miserable if things didn't change. He wanted to stay, but wanted to stay on his terms, and not have to change. I never wanted an ego boost. I just wanted him to acknowledge that he made promises that he could not keep. Saving us was in his hands, and he knew what he had to do, but he chose not to.
BC1980 Posted November 6, 2017 Posted November 6, 2017 The only way to feel no hatred is to reach a state of indifference, which can take quite awhile in some cases. It took me about 2 years to feel nothing. I'm not saying my anger was at 10 for two years straight, but I would experience random waves of anger. It gets less and more intense as time goes on until it runs its course. But you have to stay NC and actively work to move on. If you're still doing stuff like creeping on social media and playing the victim, you won't move on.
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