Dumper's perspective: Letter to the girl I dumped...and still love

[Vlad1]

Dear Audrey,

 

I wanted to let you know that it wasn’t you. Don’t think any less of yourself because the problem was me. My depression is to blame. I’ve been depressed because it seems like no matter what I do, I can’t seem to be okay with who I am. I beat myself up a lot when I don’t ‘do the right thing.’

 

And a lot of times, ‘doing the right thing’ is what my parents, specifically my dad would like from me. It’s been hard especially since my brother screwed up and got his girlfriend pregnant, I felt more pressure on me to ‘do the right thing.’ That was one big reason why I moved away to college because I felt I could finally try to figure out who I was as a person and do me. However, after coming back home, I felt like I was back to square one.

 

Nonetheless, I tried to put on a persona of confidence as that’s what I felt like the ideal version of me is: to be some tough, bad-ass guy. But deep down, I would know that my self-esteem was lacking. I could never be secure in my own skin. I would try to live up to other people’s expectations of me but that would only leave me empty inside and wondering ‘who I am really?’

 

Being with you, I really felt like I could relax and be myself. Yes at first, what you saw, was my persona of toughness, but in slowly letting my guard down, I would realize that you loved me for me. And I always wondered how can you do that? How can you love a person like me who can’t seem to love himself?

 

You would tell me the good you saw in me and what you admired, but I typically didn’t see it. Since I couldn’t love who I was, I would direct that love to others, mainly you and my family. I would always tell you that family is very important to me but you also became a very important person in my life. I did the best I could in treating you right and making you happy. When I saw you happy, it would make me happy.

 

It would basically be the same thing for my parents: when I could make them happy or proud, it would make me feel good. The problem was that I couldn’t find happiness in myself.

 

There were many times where I would keep things from you like my internal struggles because I didn’t want you to be burdened with them. You would get upset at times as you genuinely wanted to help but I felt like only I should help me. Slowly but surely, you would have me open up to you. That time you asked me at the drive-thru at Chik-Fil-A if I was depressed was a huge step forward for me when I told you yes. I finally admitted the problem and you didn’t run away! That moment is when I knew that you cared and loved the real me, not the fake me.

 

But then came the issues with my parents. They would keep telling me that you’re not the girl for me. As much as I would try to explain things to them and have them at least get to know you, they wouldn’t budge. I was torn between you and my parents. I tried and tried to make you both happy but I couldn’t.

 

It really did seem like it was one or the other. It became physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting and really took a toll on me. You saw this and continued to try and support me. I couldn’t ask for a better girlfriend. I was scared I would have to let you go so you didn’t have to deal with what I was dealing with. That is why I would break up with you. I didn’t want you to have to go through the pain of not being accepted by my parents.

 

But then I would feel emboldened later on and ask for another chance as I felt I could make it work with us. I would say we should get married. I made the decision to finally move out and get a place of my own. But after all that, the cycle kept repeating: I’d be with you, confident we can make it work, parents would tell me otherwise, I would doubt myself thinking I’m doing something wrong and then break it off with you.

 

Again, this wasn’t because of anything you did but rather it’s because I would lose confidence in myself. Honestly, I still love and care for you. However, I know now that I can’t be in a relationship if I don’t love myself first. This will probably take a while as I have to break away from my parent’s expectations of me. I don’t want you to wait for me as I don’t know how long it’s going to take and I’m not sure I even deserve another chance but do know that I am doing what I can to fix this internal problem I have. I hope you are doing well and I really do hope you finally got that raise at work you deserve.

[Vlad1]

A little background: we were dating on and off for about 1 year and half. We met when she was 22 and I was 24. We have been on NC for almost three months now. Tonight, I had an urge to write up this letter and send it to her. I'm not sure if it's the right move so I figured posting here will help as others can give their suggestions. I still love this girl but I think my depression is keeping us from moving forward.

[saradanielle]

You seem like a wonderful guy who has some issues, but what makes you different is that you acknowledge your flaws. If I was the girl you wrote this too I would forgive you and maybe start things off again as friends. It takes a lot of courage to own up to what is going on with your life. I personally think if its meant to be she will be willing to listen and work things out with you. Best of luck!

[Been]

Are you going to send that letter to her?

[JuneL]

That's a very genuine letter.

 

Why did your parents not like your ex-girlfriend?

[Vlad1]

I have not sent this letter to her yet but I'm beginning to think I should. Any suggestions on what would be best? Should I just send it to her as one long text? Send her an email? Write the letter by hand and mail it to her or drop it off at her place?

 

Also, there are a few reasons my parents weren't fans of her. They would tell me things like she is the reason I stopped going to church, I'm out of her league and can do better, she came from a broken family so I'm just trying to save her. Since I feel like I have no agency of my own, I would ponder these things. I would always think to myself: are these things true? Am I settling? Am I just trying to save her in some misguided attempt that if I save her, I save myself? Day in and day out, I would struggle internally if I was doing the right thing? I miss her terribly and love her but should I be given another chance? I've already broken up with her 3 times because of these reasons and every time I come back, I feel I can do better and make it work. How many more chances do I even deserve?

[ExpatInItaly]

That's a nicely-written letter, but I would not send it.

 

If you dumped her, it's going to hurt like hell for her to read all of that. You've admitted you have dumped her three times. Let the girl go.

[JimmyNYC]

I agree with ExpatinItaly. Don't send it. It's been 3 months of NC. It's just going to open up wounds for her. If you really care about her don't send it. At least ASK her first via email if you could send it to her if she is interested in knowing what was going on with you. Don't just send her that long letter out of the blue. It would be weird and possibly hurtful to her.

[CeciliaCylara]

I think it was very well thought out letter. As someone who was dumped by a depressed partner, one of the most important things I wanted was him to apologize and acknowledge what he put me through. I love and cared for that man, but his continual neglect took a beating on me. He was also obsessed with pleasing his parents and being the rock in his dysfunctional family. It hurt me so badly knowing he chose his self-image more than me.

 

You've taken steps to changing, be proud of that. It takes a lot to admit you are wrong, and how you've been living is wrong, especially when the toxic environment is your own parents. I'd send it, but don't assume that she's ready to talk to you. This was a very traumatizing experience for her that shot down her self-esteem a lot by being rejected by the person you loved the most. She needs time to rebuild herself. If she does reach out, you need to step up and show her how committed your are to change. The good thing is you have enough insight at your age that the earlier you recover, the easier your life later on will be. My ex is 32 and I'm 23. The chances of him changing are bleaker in comparison unfortunately :\

 

You are depressed, but you are not the depression. Remember that. Let this fuel you as work on yourself and be true to yourself.

[1fish2fish]

How well did she handle your breakup?

 

I was dumped by someone once with similar issues as you. Had I received this letter 3 months into post dumping NC, it would have set me back to square 1.

 

If you truly care about her and her well being, I wouldn't send it. Maybe after more time has passed and she's allowed to fully heal, OR if your paths cross at some point in the future, you can summarize the contents of your letter in person.

[OpenBook]

I agree with the other posters - Don't send it. Let her go. And get the hell away from your parents!! You've got some things to figure out on your own.

[SpecialJ]

If she's still hurting, there's too much hope for her in this letter. You say don't wait, but if she's still pining, this will still give her hope that it can work out. If you are thinking about sending it, I agree that you should ping her first to ask if you can send a detailed apology that is not intended to be a step towards reconciling the relationship (if she doesn't answer, she's not ready to talk about it), and then if you send it, you really have to play up that your intent is to apologize and clarify that she's great the way she is, and that you're taking steps to improve but still can't make decisions about the future and don't know if or when you'd be ready.

 

I think what's difficult is that at 22, 23, a person is more likely to still feel like they have time to wait, whether consciously or not. If she's already taken you back 3 times, she might do that in spite of herself if you give her hope. This could still work out one day, if timing allows (slim chance but not impossible), but there's a better chance if you both get over it first.