End the relationship or stay and work on it?

[Alo]

Hello This is fairly long, but PLEASE, bear with me. I really need the advice as I’m fairly inexperienced in relatonships (basically this is my first emotionally invested relationship).

 

 

I started dating my boyfriend when I was 17 and he was 23. When I was 18, I cheated on him with my ex. I only told him after a year and half. He took it very badly, but in the end he forgave. I promised I would not do it again.

Everything in our relationship was going ok – he is the epitome of the perfect guy. He’s nice, very sexy, always pays attention to me, he’s romantic, funny, we share a lot of the same hobbies and interests. However, when I was 21, I felt that we were drifting apart. He started to have a lot of interest in politics and we totally disagreed on most of the things. We didn’t have the same hobbies, nor the same friends anymore. In that time I fell in love with another guy, who has been my friend for a few years already, but I didn’t do anything as I wanted to be loyal to my boyfriend. We didn’t communicate about a lot of things. I was pissed off that he still lived with his mother (at that time he was 27 and had a job for 2 years). In the last September I told him everything, and we mostly agreed to break up. But I wasn’t ready for a decision like this made in one day – almost the same day I practically begged him to try to make the relationship work (as I knew from my divorced and then happily married again mother that relationships are a ton of work) and we got back together, with a promise that we would try to make everything better, but to have more like a „trial“ relationship for a while, that we will see how it goes.

The year that followed was beautiful. I was still having some doubts, but our relationship was caring, loving, secure. I really felt like this was the guy I could imagine the future with. There was the little voice of selfdoubt in my head, that told me that highschool relationships rarely work that long, and that i’m not even sure if i truly love him…

But in the course of the few months, I have the feeling that everything went straight to hell. My libido was pretty low and it got even lower – I love cuddling and hugging with him, but when it turns to something more (and it always does with him), I don’t really fancy it. Sure, the sex is mostly good, in 70 % of time he puts my needs before his. But honestly, I’ve been imagining someone else for a long time while having sex with him (mostly just random people or actors or anyone atractive enough). We live in different cities, about 2 hours ride, so we see each other only on weekend. During the week I was horny as hell and only thinking about sex, but as soon as I saw him, I was more like… Naaah, let’s watch a movie together? I was on the pill at that time, it might have something to do with that, it might have not.

Sometimes when I told him I love him, the little voice peaked up and asked me: But do you really?

He told me many times: „You are the love of my life. If you ever break up with me, I will never find someone else. I just want you.“ Honestly, it made me feel trapped. I was aware of the fact that people fall out of love all the time and might find happiness elswhere – most of my family is divorced and happily remarried, but that doesn’t put the previous relationships in the bad light, they were beautiful, but it was time for them to end.

Now I know that my bf had some issues about us as well. He was fancying his ex-girlfriend. But then he promised himself that he would not do anything with her and only have me.

Then I went on Erasmus student Exchange. Two days before I was supposed to see him for the last time before the Erasmus, he bought and engagement ring. He didn’t get to ask the actual question, as I saw it and told him almost immediately, that I don’t feel ready for this and that I don’t want to lie to him by saying yes, even though when I was 19 it was mi biggest wish.

It’s probably 10 hours car ride in between us now and we saw each other only once since September. The weekend was nice, I felt happy, sex was very meh as always.

This week I cheated on him again. I told him immediately, he was angry, but told me that we can take a pause in our relationship and talk about it at Christmas. He inclined that we might break up, but he might also forgive me, as I am the love of his life.

I have no idea what to do. I have no idea if I actually want him to forgive me or just let me go. I did a lot of reflection on our relationship.

I miss his hugs, his advice, his laugh. I miss a lot about him. However, there can be days when I think about him in a very distant way and not miss him at all.

I always felt secure and safe with him. When we met, he was a generally sad, but positive person, but nowadays he’s mostly a grumpy man that is happy only when I’m around. I know that sometimes he can be a bit violent, he smashed some items when he was angry, but never in front of me. I could never be afraid of him. But I feel he changed a lot and I don’t know how OK I’m with this change.

Honestly, I feel like he is my best friend, I love him, but more in a friendly way. Not lover way. But isn’t that to be expected after almost 6 years of relationship?

Also I’ve been a total bitch to him. Cheated on him twice, emotionally manipulated him a lot of times, blamed him for mistakes that he couldn’t avoid in any way. White lies are definitely one of my sins in the relationship. That all happened while he was the epitome of loving man, never breaking his promises or my trust. Never lying to me (but maybe omitting a few times).

I have no idea what to do. He has been my life companion for a long time, but is it time to let him go? I don’t want to hurt him even more than I already did. But would that be with staying or leaving? Are my emotions actually manipulated by being on Erasmus that is known for causing this problems? Or has the distance actually made me realise the little faults in my relationship that I was trying to gloss over to not dissapoint anyone?

 

I would be grateful for any insight…. Thanks.

[StephenV]

Why do you keep cheating on him?

 

It sounds as if you need to be single for a while - you've hurt this man a lot. IT would be sensible to end this relationship, yes.

[Lobouspo]

If you care about this poor dude, let him go. He really deserves better

[Trip2TheSky]

I think the best way to not hurt him anymore is to let him go before you end up leaving him with nothing but lasting emotional damage that could easily tarnish future relationships he could ever have in his future.

 

Think about the emotional turmoil you caused this man and take no offense when I say that if I was a guy, you'd be out in the cold whether you could hold your own or not.

[Miss Spider]

end the relationship

[LovelyRose]

Hello This is fairly long, but PLEASE, bear with me. I really need the advice as I’m fairly inexperienced in relatonships (basically this is my first emotionally invested relationship).

 

 

I started dating my boyfriend when I was 17 and he was 23. When I was 18, I cheated on him with my ex. I only told him after a year and half. He took it very badly, but in the end he forgave. I promised I would not do it again.

Everything in our relationship was going ok – he is the epitome of the perfect guy. He’s nice, very sexy, always pays attention to me, he’s romantic, funny, we share a lot of the same hobbies and interests. However, when I was 21, I felt that we were drifting apart. He started to have a lot of interest in politics and we totally disagreed on most of the things. We didn’t have the same hobbies, nor the same friends anymore. In that time I fell in love with another guy, who has been my friend for a few years already, but I didn’t do anything as I wanted to be loyal to my boyfriend. We didn’t communicate about a lot of things. I was pissed off that he still lived with his mother (at that time he was 27 and had a job for 2 years). In the last September I told him everything, and we mostly agreed to break up. But I wasn’t ready for a decision like this made in one day – almost the same day I practically begged him to try to make the relationship work (as I knew from my divorced and then happily married again mother that relationships are a ton of work) and we got back together, with a promise that we would try to make everything better, but to have more like a „trial“ relationship for a while, that we will see how it goes.

The year that followed was beautiful. I was still having some doubts, but our relationship was caring, loving, secure. I really felt like this was the guy I could imagine the future with. There was the little voice of selfdoubt in my head, that told me that highschool relationships rarely work that long, and that i’m not even sure if i truly love him…

But in the course of the few months, I have the feeling that everything went straight to hell. My libido was pretty low and it got even lower – I love cuddling and hugging with him, but when it turns to something more (and it always does with him), I don’t really fancy it. Sure, the sex is mostly good, in 70 % of time he puts my needs before his. But honestly, I’ve been imagining someone else for a long time while having sex with him (mostly just random people or actors or anyone atractive enough). We live in different cities, about 2 hours ride, so we see each other only on weekend. During the week I was horny as hell and only thinking about sex, but as soon as I saw him, I was more like… Naaah, let’s watch a movie together? I was on the pill at that time, it might have something to do with that, it might have not.

Sometimes when I told him I love him, the little voice peaked up and asked me: But do you really?

He told me many times: „You are the love of my life. If you ever break up with me, I will never find someone else. I just want you.“ Honestly, it made me feel trapped. I was aware of the fact that people fall out of love all the time and might find happiness elswhere – most of my family is divorced and happily remarried, but that doesn’t put the previous relationships in the bad light, they were beautiful, but it was time for them to end.

Now I know that my bf had some issues about us as well. He was fancying his ex-girlfriend. But then he promised himself that he would not do anything with her and only have me.

Then I went on Erasmus student Exchange. Two days before I was supposed to see him for the last time before the Erasmus, he bought and engagement ring. He didn’t get to ask the actual question, as I saw it and told him almost immediately, that I don’t feel ready for this and that I don’t want to lie to him by saying yes, even though when I was 19 it was mi biggest wish.

It’s probably 10 hours car ride in between us now and we saw each other only once since September. The weekend was nice, I felt happy, sex was very meh as always.

This week I cheated on him again. I told him immediately, he was angry, but told me that we can take a pause in our relationship and talk about it at Christmas. He inclined that we might break up, but he might also forgive me, as I am the love of his life.

I have no idea what to do. I have no idea if I actually want him to forgive me or just let me go. I did a lot of reflection on our relationship.

I miss his hugs, his advice, his laugh. I miss a lot about him. However, there can be days when I think about him in a very distant way and not miss him at all.

I always felt secure and safe with him. When we met, he was a generally sad, but positive person, but nowadays he’s mostly a grumpy man that is happy only when I’m around. I know that sometimes he can be a bit violent, he smashed some items when he was angry, but never in front of me. I could never be afraid of him. But I feel he changed a lot and I don’t know how OK I’m with this change.

Honestly, I feel like he is my best friend, I love him, but more in a friendly way. Not lover way. But isn’t that to be expected after almost 6 years of relationship?

Also I’ve been a total bitch to him. Cheated on him twice, emotionally manipulated him a lot of times, blamed him for mistakes that he couldn’t avoid in any way. White lies are definitely one of my sins in the relationship. That all happened while he was the epitome of loving man, never breaking his promises or my trust. Never lying to me (but maybe omitting a few times).

I have no idea what to do. He has been my life companion for a long time, but is it time to let him go? I don’t want to hurt him even more than I already did. But would that be with staying or leaving? Are my emotions actually manipulated by being on Erasmus that is known for causing this problems? Or has the distance actually made me realise the little faults in my relationship that I was trying to gloss over to not dissapoint anyone?

 

I would be grateful for any insight…. Thanks.

 

 

 

Please do this poor guy a huge favor and just end it. You don't want to be with him anymore but he's someone so familiar to you. Letting go of things or someone youve gotten so used to is never easy no matter how unhappy you are.

 

You will keep hurting him and damage him that when you two finally split up for good, he will need some serious healing to do.

 

Don't be selfish and let him go. Find yourself as well. Stay single for a while until you figured out what you really want. One thing is for sure, not a lifetime with him.

[act00]

It's hard to let go of such a huge, major person in your life, and it's scary. He's been a best friend and a punching bag, and he's just been around a long time, since high school. You are not interested in him in that way anymore. You don't enjoy the intimacy. You lash out and treat him poorly, and this is really your subconscious pushing him away. You understand your actions and behaviors, but you don't. Maybe there's a part of you that wants him to call it off, which is why you behave and treat him like you do. You've cheated twice, and it's clear you're interested in playing the field and meeting someone more compatible, but you're not letting him go. He's not letting go either...you need to do it.

 

A lot of change occurs between 17 and 25, and it's normal that people grow apart, whether it's a lover or a pal.

 

Do this guy a favor and let him go. You cling to the friendship and the fact he's just been a major part of your life. There will be a huge void that he used to fill, and this will be very difficult, but you'll fill those gaps and realize it's really better this way. This man deserves a devoted, faithful, and loving woman who treats him like a god, the same way you deserve such things from your man, and if the sex isn't doing it for you now, it's not going to get better later, especially after kids come along. This relationship is no longer what it was and it's time to move on.

[smackie9]

The reality of it is, cheating solves nothing, I mean NOTHING. You are being immature and your coping skills are terrible.

 

The issue with the relationship is that you two have grown apart because you became two different people. It's just that simple. The only answer was to breakup, not cheat. Snap out of and grow up. Break up and move on. Enjoy focusing on experiencing life, have fun, be single. Give yourself some time to figure out what you want and don't want in a relationship. It's pretty obvious you have some learning to do.

[BaileyB]

Well, you need to end your relationship with this poor guy so that he can be free to find someone who loves him and will be loyal to him. Why he has stayed with you this long, I have no idea...

 

And you, quite frankly, need to grow up. You need to develop some personal integrity and quit cheating on your partners before you are ready to have a mature, long term relationship.

 

You have a lot to learn about relationships and until you gain some more maturity, you have no business being in a relationship with anyone...

Edited November 4, 2017 by BaileyB

[warp123]

The only good thing youve done is telling him.

 

The rest is already said, let him go... He can go as low as forgiving you, but you should not let the relationship continue.

 

If you loved him enough you wouldnt have eyes for other men, and you have gone physical not only with one, but with more than one.

 

Erasmus is one of the most popular relationship breakers because of infidelities (distance from partner, immaturity and YOLO attitude), he should have been smart and stop the relationship.

 

At this age you are still young and constructing what will be the rest of your life, it wasnt very likely that you would stay together forever since this young. Focus on yourself and find a man when you are ready for a relationship with your studies finished and already established somewhere, you are not ready now.

 

Please, DO NOT CONTINUE THE RELATIONSHIP.

Edited November 4, 2017 by warp123

[Gr8fuln2020]

It is absolutely clear that this relationship is over and done.

[Alo]

Thank you all for the advice. I broke up with him today. It was hard, even though he was angry with me the whole week and didn't even wish to see me ever again, he begged to take it back, to overthink it. But I know I can't budge to it, it would just destroy us both.

The hardest part was breaking up over the phone, I never wanted to do anything like that But unfortunately we are too far away to do it personally..