maestrok Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 Dated for a bit over a month. Fun/smart/good looking guy. But saw several BIG red flags. I didn't see the point of discussing those points as didn't think anything would change by talking about the issues. Been 2 weeks not. I do miss him. But I just am very confused and I'm not so confident it would work out in the end. Maybe it will maybe not. So I don't want (and think best not) to contact him. help me resist this urge!!!!!
Trip2TheSky Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 Has he contacted you? What are the red flags? I can't give any kind of substantial advice or an opinion on this thread as written, but I am willing to give it my best if you care to add some more information.
Author maestrok Posted November 3, 2017 Author Posted November 3, 2017 (edited) He did constantly/crazy for couple days right after. Then stopped. Several red flags mostly stemming from different values/principles. The last blow that really pushed was that he still talks to his most recent-ex (who he broke up earlier this year) because he needs to make sure she's ok. I am not okay with a guy caring for the well-being of another woman (especially his ex). I didn't say much more but broke up with him soon after. Edited November 3, 2017 by maestrok
alterest Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 So, it's seems that you did the right thing. If he still talks to his ex and they broke up not long ago, he is just using you as rebound. Even if that's not the case, you already saw some weird stuffs from him.
Author maestrok Posted November 4, 2017 Author Posted November 4, 2017 So, it's seems that you did the right thing. If he still talks to his ex and they broke up not long ago, he is just using you as rebound. Even if that's not the case, you already saw some weird stuffs from him. Yeah - but definitely wasn't a rebound. he broke up with her and she was devastated/mad. he did date couple people before meeting me. pretty sure emotional baggage wasn't there but what do i know. i can only guess another's state of mind.
alterest Posted November 4, 2017 Posted November 4, 2017 Yeah - but definitely wasn't a rebound. he broke up with her and she was devastated/mad. he did date couple people before meeting me. pretty sure emotional baggage wasn't there but what do i know. i can only guess another's state of mind. Well... A rebound relationship is a relationship that we use trying to not face our pain. Doesn't matter if he date people before you. But I can understand him at some point, I am in something not so similar, but similar. The difference is that I don't want someone right now cause I still love my ex. You can't know what he is feeling. But even if he is feeling nothing, you still have those red flags. If you think that he doesn't care about her and think those red flags could be surpass, so give a shot and tell him everything that bother you. If you think that is futureless, then keep NC and you will meet someone new at right time. Just give some time to you.
Author maestrok Posted November 4, 2017 Author Posted November 4, 2017 If you think that is futureless, then keep NC and you will meet someone new at right time. Just give some time to you. I guess I'm just really sad that I thought after years of being single I had finally met someone great only to see all these red flags unveiling themselves every time we meet.
alterest Posted November 4, 2017 Posted November 4, 2017 I guess I'm just really sad that I thought after years of being single I had finally met someone great only to see all these red flags unveiling themselves every time we meet. Well... Everyone have red flags, some of them I can ignore, some of them no... Maybe it's same to you. Sometimes people seems pretty nice, but in intimacy they are not. And sometime those red flags appears because some problem in their lives.. So, they are not something that defines the person, only something temporary. We don't know what red flags you see, but you need to think about it and see if you can live with that and so on. My ex has depression, it used to be a red flag to me, but I can live with that and being supportive. But I accept it cause I know she is a great person and I love her so deeply. There are N factors to define where your red flags boundries starts and ends.
Author maestrok Posted November 4, 2017 Author Posted November 4, 2017 Well... Everyone have red flags, some of them I can ignore, some of them no.... Just wondering, let's say it were a rebound (whether he realized it or not) - is this a red flag that is only temporary and can be ignored? Should I have discussed this with him? As in ask if he could stop talking to her? etc?
alterest Posted November 5, 2017 Posted November 5, 2017 Just wondering, let's say it were a rebound (whether he realized it or not) - is this a red flag that is only temporary and can be ignored? Should I have discussed this with him? As in ask if he could stop talking to her? etc? You should not ignore that red flag. When someone uses you as rebound, there no interest on you. He probably still in love for her ex, so nothing good come from there. It hurts? Yeah, it hurts... But there's nothing you can do. You can try anyway, but the chances of success are pretty low.
Author maestrok Posted November 9, 2017 Author Posted November 9, 2017 You should not ignore that red flag. When someone uses you as rebound, there no interest on you. He probably still in love for her ex, so nothing good come from there. It hurts? Yeah, it hurts... But there's nothing you can do. You can try anyway, but the chances of success are pretty low. I think what bothers me the most is that I didnt give him a chance to explain... maybe I had misunderstood? Maybe i assume red flags when they are not really red flags? Im just so confused now ....
HumanMachine Posted November 9, 2017 Posted November 9, 2017 I think what bothers me the most is that I didnt give him a chance to explain... maybe I had misunderstood? Maybe i assume red flags when they are not really red flags? Im just so confused now .... You’re confused? Imagine how he feels? You’ve ended it with him without explaining your decision. Not cool.
Author maestrok Posted November 9, 2017 Author Posted November 9, 2017 You’re confused? Imagine how he feels? You’ve ended it with him without explaining your decision. Not cool. But do I have the right to tell him what to do and not? so I cant tell him to change but im not okay with what he's doing then what other choice if any am i left with? And even if I ask - isnt there only one right answer? Would he really say no things are not over and im using you even if it were the case?
Zahara Posted November 9, 2017 Posted November 9, 2017 But do I have the right to tell him what to do and not? so I cant tell him to change but im not okay with what he's doing then what other choice if any am i left with? And even if I ask - isnt there only one right answer? Would he really say no things are not over and im using you even if it were the case? I would move on. I think you are second guessing because you have nothing else going for you in terms of prospective dates so you are circling back to him. He sounds like he is still emotionally tangled with his ex. Don't go there. Plus you said there were "several" red flags. Trust your instincts. 1
JimmyNYC Posted November 9, 2017 Posted November 9, 2017 maestrok. I have a lot of respect for you. In my opinion you absolutely did the right thing. I was in a similar situation, lots of red flags kept coming up. They didn't stop. Kept getting worse. I was 2.5 months in and I pulled the plug. I broke up with her. I posted about it recently. I've provided the link below. If you need to talk let me know. My email is under my public profile info. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/640122-did-i-do-right-thing-breaking-up-her
Author maestrok Posted November 13, 2017 Author Posted November 13, 2017 Ended up messaging him last saturday. I wrote "I really needed some time to think things through. It was a lot for me to take in at the time. I should've tried talking to you though. If you still want could we talk." Well he ignored me. Should I have said something differently? What would you have felt if you got this message? Im curious..
1fish2fish Posted November 13, 2017 Posted November 13, 2017 I read your entire thread but didn't see how you guys ended things. You had only dated a month. How many dates was that? Were you exclusive? Who stopped the communication? I'm gathering that when you saw the "red flag" you pulled away and didn't answer any of his messages without explanation. Your message probably confused the heck out of him since he had no clue why you disappeared, and since you didn't have the courtesy to tell him your concerns about his ex, why do you expect him to respond now? Let this one go and move on. It's done.
Author maestrok Posted November 13, 2017 Author Posted November 13, 2017 I read your entire thread but didn't see how you guys ended things. You had only dated a month. How many dates was that? Were you exclusive? Who stopped the communication? I'm gathering that when you saw the "red flag" you pulled away and didn't answer any of his messages without explanation. Your message probably confused the heck out of him since he had no clue why you disappeared, and since you didn't have the courtesy to tell him your concerns about his ex, why do you expect him to respond now? Let this one go and move on. It's done. I just messaged you. not sure if it went through. I don't expect anything. I'm just hoping for it ... what is the best I can now ... from guy's perspective? Can I say something more?
HumanMachine Posted November 13, 2017 Posted November 13, 2017 I just messaged you. not sure if it went through. I don't expect anything. I'm just hoping for it ... what is the best I can now ... from guy's perspective? Can I say something more? No you will come across as desperate. Time to move on. 1
Author maestrok Posted November 13, 2017 Author Posted November 13, 2017 No you will come across as desperate. Time to move on. are you a guy? have you ever given someone a second chance?
Author maestrok Posted November 13, 2017 Author Posted November 13, 2017 No you will come across as desperate. Time to move on. im not worried about coming across as desperate. im not. I just dont want to regret. I know the chance is slim. but i just want to know the best option (other than moving on). for the last time.
HumanMachine Posted November 13, 2017 Posted November 13, 2017 are you a guy? have you ever given someone a second chance? I’ve given plenty of chances, and received them. However everybody is different.
Author maestrok Posted November 13, 2017 Author Posted November 13, 2017 I’ve given plenty of chances, and received them. However everybody is different. what made you want to give some chances some not? Help me out... i didn't have courage then but ive really given this A LOT of thoughts. just dont know what to do or how to approach this.
HumanMachine Posted November 13, 2017 Posted November 13, 2017 what made you want to give some chances some not? Help me out... i didn't have courage then but ive really given this A LOT of thoughts. just dont know what to do or how to approach this. Let’s just say that if I could go back and not give a certain person x amount of chances then I would. Some people can see red flags and stay well clear, unfortunately I cannot.
Author maestrok Posted November 13, 2017 Author Posted November 13, 2017 Let’s just say that if I could go back and not give a certain person x amount of chances then I would. Some people can see red flags and stay well clear, unfortunately I cannot. my question was more in that why did they say or do that made you change your mind?
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