australia Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 So I've been with my girlfriend *officially* for about 2months now. We dated for about 4 months before I eventually asked her to be my girlfriend and things have been going well since. One thing that has started to get on my nerves a bit is one of her friends. Whenever we go over to her friends for some drinks, her friend will ALWAYS bring up at least one thing about my girlfriends past. My girlfriend has mentioned this to her before saying don't bring it up because it's disrespectful to both me/her and I would NEVER expect my friends to bring up my past in front of her. Should this be bothering me? It's happened about 5x now and we're going to hers tomorrow for some drinks before heading out and I have a feeling it's gonna happen again. The fact of her past doesn't annoy me as I'm not angel myself, it's just frustrating because it's unnecessary in my eyes and I feel like I might snap at her so she doesn't do it again. Am I overreacting? I realise it's insecurity/jealousy to an extent but I feel like that's natural. What should I do? Should my girlfriend approach her again? I'm the type of person to easily remove myself from a situation I don't like and not go back but I don't want to do that to her friend. Any help would be grateful, thanks guys and first post!
Michelle ma Belle Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 If this is something she continues to do even after she's been spoken to then I would take it upon myself to shut her down the next time she decides to skip down memory lane. What we allow will continue. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 It's not really your place as the new SO to tell your GF's friend how to behave in that woman's own home. When she brings it up, change the subject. If that does not work, you can calmly ask her in sort of a snarky tone but not impolite why she always wants to talk about the past. After this, next time your GF suggests socializing with this friend, suggest alternative entertainment. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 It's not really your place as the new SO to tell your GF's friend how to behave in that woman's own home. When she brings it up, change the subject. If that does not work, you can calmly ask her in sort of a snarky tone but not impolite why she always wants to talk about the past. After this, next time your GF suggests socializing with this friend, suggest alternative entertainment. I don't think this has anything to do with where it's happening (in her own home). I mean, I don't think that is a reason for OP to not say anything. OP, I think you can respectfully ask her to stop doing this, and it doesn't have to be snarky. Stand up for your girl . 3
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 Okay, so this happens EVERY time you meet with your gf's friend. May I ask if she approves of your relationship with your gf? What does your gf say about her friend's feelings regarding this relationship? It seems to me, either she is going down memory lane and is truly unaware that she is introducing discomfort or she is intentionally doing so. If the latter, I would suggest to you that she does not approve of the relationship is trying to find ways to undermine it. Are all the anecdotes regarding her past relationships? Your gf's less than stellar behavior? Or are some funny, fun, harmless? 1
Author australia Posted November 3, 2017 Author Posted November 3, 2017 Okay, so this happens EVERY time you meet with your gf's friend. May I ask if she approves of your relationship with your gf? What does your gf say about her friend's feelings regarding this relationship? It seems to me, either she is going down memory lane and is truly unaware that she is introducing discomfort or she is intentionally doing so. If the latter, I would suggest to you that she does not approve of the relationship is trying to find ways to undermine it. Are all the anecdotes regarding her past relationships? Your gf's less than stellar behavior? Or are some funny, fun, harmless? Yeah from memory it has actually been every time. She does approve and seems happy for us but she is also one of those girls who has no filter (her parents are filthy rich and she lives off them). She shows me off and vice versa. I think because I'm a pretty composed guy and it takes consistency to get to me eventually. The quotes are usually along the lines of "oh, remember when we used to hook up with so many guys.. oops sorry *my name*" And at times she has attempted to refer things to her ex. She is an EXTREMELY extroverted girl which makes it even more annoying.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 Yeah from memory it has actually been every time. She does approve and seems happy for us but she is also one of those girls who has no filter (her parents are filthy rich and she lives off them). She shows me off and vice versa. I think because I'm a pretty composed guy and it takes consistency to get to me eventually. The quotes are usually along the lines of "oh, remember when we used to hook up with so many guys.. oops sorry *my name*" And at times she has attempted to refer things to her ex. She is an EXTREMELY extroverted girl which makes it even more annoying. Okay, so she is not trying to be mean. Yeah, I've know people like her. It's typically a constant battle and constant reminders are needed. You or your gf may want to have a brief conversation before each meet about that.
Michelle ma Belle Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 It's not really your place as the new SO to tell your GF's friend how to behave in that woman's own home. When she brings it up, change the subject. If that does not work, you can calmly ask her in sort of a snarky tone but not impolite why she always wants to talk about the past. After this, next time your GF suggests socializing with this friend, suggest alternative entertainment. I have to disagree with this. If this was something that happened occasionally and wasn't anything worth a talking to, perhaps I might agree with you but that isn't the case here. This friend seems to bask in recounting on a fairly regular basis what sounds like inappropriate and unflattering stories from the past DESPITE having been warned not to. That's a problem, no matter if it's at her home or not. She's blatantly disregarding and disrespecting them both by not being sensitive to their feelings and wishes. It's not fair that the onus lands squarely on the OP to redirect conversation or step out of a room whenever this girl goes off. He needs to step up to the plate and let her know how he feels. Straight from the horses mouth. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 I still think it's incumbent on the OP's GF to shut down her friend. By sitting there silently, the GF seems to not mind. Perhaps the OP needs a new GF 1
coolheadal Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 So I've been with my girlfriend *officially* for about 2months now. We dated for about 4 months before I eventually asked her to be my girlfriend and things have been going well since. One thing that has started to get on my nerves a bit is one of her friends. Whenever we go over to her friends for some drinks, her friend will ALWAYS bring up at least one thing about my girlfriends past. My girlfriend has mentioned this to her before saying don't bring it up because it's disrespectful to both me/her and I would NEVER expect my friends to bring up my past in front of her. Should this be bothering me? It's happened about 5x now and we're going to hers tomorrow for some drinks before heading out and I have a feeling it's gonna happen again. The fact of her past doesn't annoy me as I'm not angel myself, it's just frustrating because it's unnecessary in my eyes and I feel like I might snap at her so she doesn't do it again. Am I overreacting? I realise it's insecurity/jealousy to an extent but I feel like that's natural. What should I do? Should my girlfriend approach her again? I'm the type of person to easily remove myself from a situation I don't like and not go back but I don't want to do that to her friend. Any help would be grateful, thanks guys and first post! It's called PAYBACK IS B### (### I inserting that in no word but not the type to be rude), is what the her girl friend is doing to annoy you both about your girl friends past. I wouldn't attend such a get together because of that. But it's your girl friend choice to do so not yours. Her so call girl friend will continue to do so. It's her place she can do whatever she wants too. Disrespect or not she going to do it, it's also call nick picking and being a biatch sounds just about right. It's drama, it's toxic and it's deadly.. Avoid at all cost if you can so she should also, what a friend like that jabberjaw backstabbing bitch!
BarbedFenceRider Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 I like Doni's and Michelle's points. What if the OP includes both of the ideas to address the situation. I would speak to my GF before hand and offer a "new" place to go and other people to see. And explain why. I would also not feel ashamed in the slightest that maybe privately and with tact, you explain to the "friend" that she is being very toxic and not conducive to the "friendship" with constant whore-talk. Lets be frank, If you did this with your buddies with the "girls" around...what would happen? Riiight. I am glad that the OP has the sense of awareness in the first place concerning this situation. Many guys would probably be oblivious about this or would be looking at this with a different lens. My personal view is that I would try to stay away from that person. Life is too short to deal with ugliness constantly. Your GF is way too accommodating.
coolheadal Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 I like Doni's and Michelle's points. What if the OP includes both of the ideas to address the situation. I would speak to my GF before hand and offer a "new" place to go and other people to see. And explain why. I would also not feel ashamed in the slightest that maybe privately and with tact, you explain to the "friend" that she is being very toxic and not conducive to the "friendship" with constant whore-talk. Lets be frank, If you did this with your buddies with the "girls" around...what would happen? Riiight. I am glad that the OP has the sense of awareness in the first place concerning this situation. Many guys would probably be oblivious about this or would be looking at this with a different lens. My personal view is that I would try to stay away from that person. Life is too short to deal with ugliness constantly. Your GF is way too accommodating. The so called friend really isn't a friend if she wants to destroy her girl friend relationships like that for what purpose revenge! 1
Author australia Posted November 3, 2017 Author Posted November 3, 2017 I've taken a mix of everybody's opinions and have taken them on board. I just texted my girlfriend practically that she is her friend and not mine and then she needs to draw the line at some point before I do. If it continues I'm more than happy to tell her straight and just remove myself from the situation. We will see what happens and I will try to get back to you all! Thank you again 3
coolheadal Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 (edited) I've taken a mix of everybody's opinions and have taken them on board. I just texted my girlfriend practically that she is her friend and not mine and then she needs to draw the line at some point before I do. If it continues I'm more than happy to tell her straight and just remove myself from the situation. We will see what happens and I will try to get back to you all! Thank you again Listen my friend it's not going to stop, you need to do something about it ASAP or A-SAP! I don't know why you both don't see this happening. How much verbal abuse can you both handle. That's what she is an abuser verbally. Not good my friend please take care of this matter now. Why subject both of you to this abuse. Not fair and it's unjustified! Negative energy (drains your soul and happiness from you makes you feel like crap inside) not healthy also. No one should have to go through this just not right.I can't stress this enough. But it's both of you to call it? Go and leave.. It it starts again which it will get up and just leave though the door you came in and just don't say a word... Edited November 3, 2017 by coolheadal
d0nnivain Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 Oh, please. This friend is impolite, possibly clueless, maybe malicious in that she hopes to break the OP & his GF up but she is not verbally abusive. To call the nonsense that she is pulling "abuse" dilutes the power of such allegations when made against truly malevolent actors. Australia -- I would have picked a medium other than text to bring this up to your GF. I would also raise the subject again in person before you walk into the friend's house tonight. I does need to stop but it will be better coming from your GF. If you alienate the friend, your GF may see you as the bully / problem here not her friend. diplomacy is needed as a FIRST strategy. 1
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