Air my grievances first or just fade?

[todreaminblue]

always give aperson a chance to fix things ......always.....he might not be able to read you enough to know how close you are to ending it...so he will be blind to just how angry and upset you are and thats not fair to let him at least try to rectify the rift.

 

for me thats what a relationship is all about...honesty,fairness or justness,compassion and communication.......deb

[KBob]

To answer your question, no, he would never help me if I got sick. He'd leave. Same if I was to gain some weight, he already told me, and this doesn't only apply to me, but to any woman he may be dating.

 

I need nothing more than this to tell you to break it off with him. There's no way you can have a positive, caring relationship with this man if this is how he really feels about his partners.

 

What an a**hole.

[Back_Again]

OP: What qualities do you think that make you so irrationally attracted to him? Is he super charming when you are together in person? Does he have the so-called bad boy trait? I think it's important to identify the underlying reason for your irrational attraction.

 

I'm not quite sure...he is intelligent and can make very good conversation, which is something I haven't encountered too many times... and when he wants to be nice, he can be quite nice and romantic. Unfortunately this doesn't happen steadily or too often.

But most than anything, I'm afraid it may be the fact that he is someone you can't have entirely, because he never gives himself to anyone completely. He stays usually just out of reach, it's hard to explain...

 

But no, other than that he has nothing much to offer...he is self employed and can go months without a job, he works part time at a nightclub (yes, that's probably a huge part of why his relationships are fleeting, as he has a never ending supply of women at his disposal), he doesn't have a car, well let's just say he is not a catch.

[Back_Again]

always give aperson a chance to fix things ......always.....he might not be able to read you enough to know how close you are to ending it...so he will be blind to just how angry and upset you are and thats not fair to let him at least try to rectify the rift.

 

for me thats what a relationship is all about...honesty,fairness or justness,compassion and communication.......deb

 

Oh he knows i am mad, in fact I'm starting to believe he is pushing me away hoping I would end it myself.

You're right about what relationships are all about... unfortunately all the words you wrote are foreign to him. He is not an honest person, or fair, has no compassion for others (and is proud of that) and his idea of communication is that he is right and everyone else is wrong. Oh, and according to him communication is silly and pointless. I know you'll ask then why are you so stuck on him... I don't know, maybe I need some psychiatric evaluation at this point

[Back_Again]

I need nothing more than this to tell you to break it off with him. There's no way you can have a positive, caring relationship with this man if this is how he really feels about his partners.

 

What an a**hole.

 

He is an a**hole, he even admits it himself. He is proud of it. And since he is 50 years old, he will never change.

He was very nice to me though, while things were good and he was interested. Part of me thinks he made me a personal challenge to see if he could get me back, after having treated me like cr*p 6 years ago, and put up a nice guy act (which I totally believed because I wanted it to be true). But now his real self has resurfaced, and I am in the same position I was 6 years ago: hurt, rejected, humiliated.

[Back_Again]

I have not broken up with him yet, because I want him to do it. Why? So that he doesn't reappear months or years down the road, with excuses such as "the timing was bad", "I was afraid to get too attached to you because I knew you were someone I was not going to be able to break up easily", etc. I want him to tell me "I lost interest in you", or "we are not compatible", so that in the future he can't weasel his way back in my life (I don't trust myself that I wouldn't take him back!).

 

After not having contacted me at all this weekend, he texted me Monday morning like nothing was wrong, to see how I was doing. I asked him whether his silence over the weekend meant that I should take the hint that he was no longer interested, and if so, to just tell me and not do the fade.

His reply? "I just texted you now, didn't I? And yeah I know I didn't text you over the weekend". That's it! Nothing after that, no text or call in the evening. It feels like I'm having an affair with a married man, who can only text his mistress from work! No, he is not living with another woman, I know that for a fact, but is there another woman in his life? I bet there is, which is why he is making it clear he doesn't want me around (but is keeping me just in case he gets bored of her - which will happen, because this is how he rolls).

 

I did not reply to that text, and I assume he will not contact me anymore. So i guess this is it.

[Zahara]

Back Again, I believe you're trying to hide behind the justification as to why he should break up with you because you're afraid to let go. Making that decision and accepting finality is daunting. But your reasoning makes no sense. I think you've talked yourself into it because you're petrified of taking the next step.

 

And regardless of who breaks up with whom, if he ever resurfaces, you will NEVER WANT TO speak to him again because you KNOW you deserve better and YOU WILL NEVER WANT someone like him to ever have access into your life again. He will never be an option. So your justification/excuses are irrelevant.

 

You've allowed yourself to be treated poorly for far too long. When do you empower yourself? When do you decide that your self-respect and dignity becomes your priority? Why have you placed your fate in his hands?

 

After everything you've said about this man and all he's done to you, you're still sitting and waiting for him to pull the trigger. I bet he'll circle back again because all you've taught him is that you'll accept and tolerate little to nothing.

Edited November 7, 2017 by Zahara

[MJJean]

I have not broken up with him yet, because I want him to do it. Why? So that he doesn't reappear months or years down the road, with excuses such as "the timing was bad", "I was afraid to get too attached to you because I knew you were someone I was not going to be able to break up easily", etc. I want him to tell me "I lost interest in you", or "we are not compatible", so that in the future he can't weasel his way back in my life (I don't trust myself that I wouldn't take him back!).

 

 

He can only reappear if you let him. End it formally, because I think you need to do that to make a clean break, heal, and properly move on. Once it's over, simply don't respond to anything from him, ever. That's all. The end. It really is that simple. Trust me, I've done it.

[Back_Again]

He can only reappear if you let him. End it formally, because I think you need to do that to make a clean break, heal, and properly move on. Once it's over, simply don't respond to anything from him, ever. That's all. The end. It really is that simple. Trust me, I've done it.

 

 

 

Well, it's over. He texted me this morning to say that clearly I am looking for more than he is giving me, so he will not contact me anymore.

I agreed.

 

 

I'm sure the sadness will hit me soon, but for now I am relieved, and so are my friends who couldn't stand him and what he was doing to me. I know I am way better off without him and his lies. He was setting me up to being his FWB, while he was going to date others. I know because this is what he did to the woman before me (if he even broke up with her, now I wonder if he was seeing both at the same time all along).

 

 

So this is it. Moral of the story: when someone is clearly a cheater, steer clear because he will do the same thing to you. And when someone shows you they don't care about you, believe them because it will never improve. When you discover a lie, leave because there are more to come. And never, ever take back someone who has already treated you like dirt in the past. Some people are just unable to love.

[Zahara]

Well, it's over. He texted me this morning to say that clearly I am looking for more than he is giving me, so he will not contact me anymore.

I agreed.

 

It would be in your best interest to block him. While the bold is all nice, these types will always return.

 

Don't put yourself at risk. Take active steps to block and remove him from ever having access to you.

[MJJean]

Honestly, I suspect he has been unwilling to text, call, and/or spend time with you when his kid is around because he's in a relationship, his kid knows his GF, and he doesn't want to be outed as a cheater, so I don't think he was "setting you up to be his FWB". I think you were his FWB. You were trying to have a relationship while he was trying to enjoy ego kibbles and NSA.

[Back_Again]

It would be in your best interest to block him. While the bold is all nice, these types will always return.

 

Don't put yourself at risk. Take active steps to block and remove him from ever having access to you.

 

 

 

Well, I worded my reply in such a way that ensured he will NEVER contact me again. I told him that he was not a good fit for me morally, intellectually or sexually (all 100% true to be honest), and since he thinks he is a very smart person I know this cut deep. I deleted his number, because I am that certain that he will never approach me ever again.

[Back_Again]

Honestly, I suspect he has been unwilling to text, call, and/or spend time with you when his kid is around because he's in a relationship, his kid knows his GF, and he doesn't want to be outed as a cheater, so I don't think he was "setting you up to be his FWB". I think you were his FWB. You were trying to have a relationship while he was trying to enjoy ego kibbles and NSA.

 

 

 

Yes, this is very possible. I mean, I am 99% sure he is in another relationship, and has been for quite some time. There were suspicious things happening every single week, one night per week he wouldn't call and then he'd give me idiotic explanations that made no sense (and no, I wasn't asking him for explanations, he would just offer them)...

 

 

But worst than all, I think his kid living with him was a lie itself! I strongly believe he wanted to end the pattern of having too much contact with me, so he could spend that time with someone else. I mean, this guy lies so easily, I would put nothing behind him... And also, where was the kid's stuff, clothing, personal belongings?

[Zahara]

Well, I worded my reply in such a way that ensured he will NEVER contact me again. I told him that he was not a good fit for me morally, intellectually or sexually (all 100% true to be honest), and since he thinks he is a very smart person I know this cut deep. I deleted his number, because I am that certain that he will never approach me ever again.

 

So there is no reason why you shouldn't be blocking him. The truth is you can't be certain because you can't get into his mind.

 

You think your words affected him? No. He is selfish. If he ever resurfaced, it will only be because he wants to use you as a benefit. He couldn't care less about what you think of him.

 

Again, avoid the risk and protect yourself. He once treated you like crap and he resurfaced only to put you back in the same situation.

 

I used the same excuses you are making and I only did it because somewhere deep down inside me I still held hope that he may return and validate me again.

[Back_Again]

So there is no reason why you shouldn't be blocking him. The truth is you can't be certain because you can't get into his mind.

 

You think your words affected him? No. He is selfish. If he ever resurfaced, it will only be because he wants to use you as a benefit. He couldn't care less about what you think of him.

 

Again, avoid the risk and protect yourself. He once treated you like crap and he resurfaced only to put you back in the same situation.

 

I used the same excuses you are making and I only did it because somewhere deep down inside me I still held hope that he may return and validate me again.

 

 

 

Unfortunately blocking will only send any calls to my v/m, but I would still get texts so that wouldn't accomplish much... besides I am more afraid of me contacting him myself in a moment of weakness, than of him contacting me... You're so right, it was all about validation. In the past I felt so inadequate that someone like him had given me the boot and wasn't interested enough to make things work, that when he came back I threw caution to the wind and forgave him and gave him a second chance - despite him obviously cheating on his then-girlfriend. I was seeking validation and was so happy I had another chance to get it. And I did, up until he got bored again and decided to throw me in the trash again

[Highndry]

Unfortunately blocking will only send any calls to my v/m, but I would still get texts so that wouldn't accomplish much... besides I am more afraid of me contacting him myself in a moment of weakness, than of him contacting me... You're so right, it was all about validation. In the past I felt so inadequate that someone like him had given me the boot and wasn't interested enough to make things work, that when he came back I threw caution to the wind and forgave him and gave him a second chance - despite him obviously cheating on his then-girlfriend. I was seeking validation and was so happy I had another chance to get it. And I did, up until he got bored again and decided to throw me in the trash again

 

Once somebody dumps you, especially if they did this, and you take them back they'll do the exact same thing again. They don't respect you and they never will.

[Zahara]

Unfortunately blocking will only send any calls to my v/m, but I would still get texts so that wouldn't accomplish much... besides I am more afraid of me contacting him myself in a moment of weakness, than of him contacting me... You're so right, it was all about validation. In the past I felt so inadequate that someone like him had given me the boot and wasn't interested enough to make things work, that when he came back I threw caution to the wind and forgave him and gave him a second chance - despite him obviously cheating on his then-girlfriend. I was seeking validation and was so happy I had another chance to get it. And I did, up until he got bored again and decided to throw me in the trash again

 

"Someone like him" -- what does that mean? Why was he on a pedestal in your mind?

 

We often romanticize and blind ourselves from focusing on who they really are but construct an idealized image. The latter isn't real and we stay longer than we should because we're holding on to hope that he may become this man we hope for him to be.

 

The way you described him -- why was your worth and adequacy dependent on someone like him?

[Back_Again]

Someone like him -- what does that mean?

 

We often romanticize and blind ourselves from focusing on who they really are but construct an idealized image. The latter isn't real and we stay longer than we should because we're holding on to hope that he may become this man we hope for him to be.

 

The way you described him -- why was your worth and adequacy dependent on someone like him?

 

 

 

Someone like him - with very little to give in every way imaginable (except for good conversation, but even that started repeating itself after a while and I heard the same stories over and over again because he forgot he had already talked about them lol).

 

 

As for your last question, that's some serious food for thought right there, and it's something everyone in my life has already asked me. I suppose I wanted his validation, because it's a rare commodity. He has such a poor opinion of people in general and talks bad about mostly everyone, that somehow it became important to me when he validated ME. I'm not sure, I think a psychologist may be able to help me figure it out (if I could afford one!).

 

 

Oh, and his job at the nightclub has always driven me insane, because it was never fun to see desperate women in need of ego boosts hanging on to him and making conversation. I avoided seeing all this by not going much, but I knew what was happening. And I knew he would be taking numbers, I mean come on, a known cheater with the temptation right in front of him... It had to be a reason why at 50 years of age he still couldn't give up that lifestyle, complete with smoking pot with his fellow coworkers and who knows who else after the club closed...

Edited November 7, 2017 by Back_Again

[Zahara]

Someone like him - with very little to give in every way imaginable (except for good conversation, but even that started repeating itself after a while and I heard the same stories over and over again because he forgot he had already talked about them lol).

 

In that sense, you have to start figuring out what your standards are in terms for what a relationship should and can offer you -- rather than just good conversation. I think moving forward it would be good for you to reflect on what you believe you truly deserve as well and constructing a boundary system -- what you will and won't accept/settle. If all he could give you was good conversation, then you need to start believing you deserve more and that a healthy and nurturing relationship requires a foundation substance.

 

I suppose I wanted his validation, because it's a rare commodity. He has such a poor opinion of people in general and talks bad about mostly everyone, that somehow it became important to me when he validated ME. I'm not sure, I think a psychologist may be able to help me figure it out (if I could afford one!).

 

When you do not love yourself or do not see value/worth within yourself, you will desperately seek it from others. The fact that this guy treated you badly and was a known cheater, all that went out the door because you so desired to feel needed and wanted. When you have a healthy dose of self-esteem, you won't settle for scraps, especially from someone that was of poor character.

[Back_Again]

In that sense, you have to start figuring out what your standards are in terms for what a relationship should and can offer you -- rather than just good conversation. I think moving forward it would be good for you to reflect on what you believe you truly deserve as well and constructing a boundary system -- what you will and won't accept/settle. If all he could give you was good conversation, then you need to start believing you deserve more and that a healthy and nurturing relationship requires a foundation substance.

 

 

 

When you do not love yourself or do not see value/worth within yourself, you will desperately seek it from others. The fact that this guy treated you badly and was a known cheater, all that went out the door because you so desired to feel needed and wanted. When you have a healthy dose of self-esteem, you won't settle for scraps, especially from someone that was of poor character.

 

 

 

Absolutely! I know it's not going to happen again...

Funny enough, I have very solid boundaries when it comes to other guys. With him...for whatever reason, I bent all of them to the point of becoming a doormat. But in all fairness, there was no communicating with him. If I was down for some reason and looked at him for comfort, he would make me feel worse and tell me "but you know how I am, I am not the comforting/reassuring type, take it or leave it". Every issue I may have had with him that I brought up, he would turn against me and made it seem like I was the unreasonable one. This includes each time I confronted him about lies I had uncovered. Instead of apologizing, he would tell me "now I don't trust you, because you check up on me".

 

 

The more I write about this man, the more appalled I am that I didn't dump him a long time ago. But I couldn't, I was too weak to do so. I guess subconsciously I wanted him to do it, so I didn't have to live with "what ifs".

 

 

I am so glad for this forum, it allowed me to vent, I heard so many valuable opinions and it provided so much relief in a very tough situation!

[Back_Again]

I have one more question... I did something really, really stupid, I know that, but anyway...I sent him a text today to ask if at the very least he was ever my friend.

Back when we reconnected, a year ago, we were friends for a while (4-5 months, until he told me he ended things with the woman he was with). We talked pretty often and our conversations were lengthy (2-3 hours). We got really close, and learned lots about one another. I don't have too many friends or family, so this meant the world to me. I doubted a lot of things in our relationship, I caught him in many lies, I even suspected cheating...but the one thing I didn't doubt was his friendship. According to him, I was the only person he confided in about some very personal stuff, and I was the only person who he could be 100% at ease with and understood him. On his b-day, I got him a gift he had wanted most of his life, and he cried when he got it and told me I was special...and I believed it.

 

 

Now, with the callous way he dumped me and just shut me out, the question of whether he was in fact my friend or not was burning into my brain, so I had to ask it.

 

 

And...he didn't reply. Radio silence. An hour later I just said something to the effect of "I guess the silence means the friendship was a lie as well"...and again, no reply.

 

 

I already know it was a stupid move, please don't be too rough on me for that I miss the guy.

 

 

But my question is, his lack of response means that he wasn't in fact my friend? He was just pretending, so he could weasel his way back into my life (and pants)?

[Zahara]

I have one more question... I did something really, really stupid, I know that, but anyway...I sent him a text today to ask if at the very least he was ever my friend.

Back when we reconnected, a year ago, we were friends for a while (4-5 months, until he told me he ended things with the woman he was with). We talked pretty often and our conversations were lengthy (2-3 hours). We got really close, and learned lots about one another. I don't have too many friends or family, so this meant the world to me. I doubted a lot of things in our relationship, I caught him in many lies, I even suspected cheating...but the one thing I didn't doubt was his friendship. According to him, I was the only person he confided in about some very personal stuff, and I was the only person who he could be 100% at ease with and understood him. On his b-day, I got him a gift he had wanted most of his life, and he cried when he got it and told me I was special...and I believed it.

 

What is your definition of a friend? One that cheats? One that treats you like crap? Are these the values of a friendship? Truly, think about it.

 

Dumpees often hold on to "friends" because they're afraid to let go so "friends" is usually a lifeline that helps alleviate that fear of facing finality.

 

During the "getting to know one another" people are usually on their best behavior. What you had during that time with him when he was your "friend" was a show -- the man that treated you like crap -- that is who he truly is. Hence, not friend material. You need to focus on the reality as to who he truly is.

 

Now, with the callous way he dumped me and just shut me out, the question of whether he was in fact my friend or not was burning into my brain, so I had to ask it.

 

You had to ask a man that treated you like crap to confirm whether he was truly a friend?

 

And...he didn't reply. Radio silence. An hour later I just said something to the effect of "I guess the silence means the friendship was a lie as well"...and again, no reply.

 

He knows you are baiting him. He has never really cared for you. And he's SHOWN you -- first round and second round. So I am not sure what you're expecting him to give you.

 

 

I already know it was a stupid move, please don't be too rough on me for that I miss the guy.

 

Miss him but don't seek comfort in what hurts you. Manage those emotions by reaching out to people that care about you who can truly soothe you. He has no ability to take away your pain but rather add to it -- that is all he can do.

 

But my question is, his lack of response means that he wasn't in fact my friend? He was just pretending, so he could weasel his way back into my life (and pants)?

 

You already know this answer. What were you expecting from someone who cheats and treats women poorly and has a pattern of doing so? He treated you poorly the first time around. Then he came around again and you went back to him. What did you think he was doing when he was wooing you? He was roping you in. Men like him have no need for "friendships". Do you think a man that treats you like crap/cheats can suddenly come back as a man with integrity and decency and suddenly treat you with the utmost respect?

 

I think when you start taking responsibility for where you are, you'll start to let go and you'll start to see him for who he is and manage those irrational expectations.

Edited November 8, 2017 by Zahara

[Back_Again]

What is your definition of a friend? One that cheats? One that treats you like crap? Are these the values of a friendship? Truly, think about it.

 

Dumpees often hold on to "friends" because they're afraid to let go so "friends" is usually a lifeline that helps alleviate that fear of facing finality.

 

During the "getting to know one another" people are usually on their best behavior. What you had during that time with him when he was your "friend" was a show -- the man that treated you like crap -- that is who he truly is. Hence, not friend material. You need to focus on the reality as to who he truly is.

 

 

 

You had to ask a man that treated you like crap to confirm whether he was truly a friend?

 

 

 

He knows you are baiting him. He has never really cared for you. And he's SHOWN you -- first round and second round. So I am not sure what you're expecting him to give you.

 

 

 

 

Miss him but don't seek comfort in what hurts you. Manage those emotions by reaching out to people that care about you who can truly soothe you. He has no ability to take away your pain but rather add to it -- that is all he can do.

 

 

 

You already know this answer. What were you expecting from someone who cheats and treats women poorly and has a pattern of doing so? He treated you poorly the first time around. Then he came around again and you went back to him. What did you think he was doing when he was wooing you? He was roping you in. Men like him have no need for "friendships". Do you think a man that treats you like crap/cheats can suddenly come back as a man with integrity and decency and suddenly treat you with the utmost respect?

 

I think when you start taking responsibility for where you are, you'll start to let go and you'll start to see him for who he is and manage those irrational expectations.

 

Zahara, I wish I could have you live with me for a while, you would be amazing at making this horrible process of healing so much easier for me

Seriously, you are so right about everything you say. Of course the answer is right in front of me, but then I hear in the background all the things he used to tell me, about how he would always be my friend, I hear his voice and how sincere he sounded, and I feel like I lost my best friend!

 

I was full of insecurities throughout the relationship but he only knew a small fraction of them, and was always mad at me for having them. He could never understand why I was having them, and was unable to get it that the past and the way he had treated me then still affected me, and I was worried history would repeat itself. And it looks like I had a good reason to be worried!

[JuneL]

It does sound like you have been drawn to his "bad boy" qualities (though he's too old to be a boy ). It's probably a challenge to get someone like him to have a serious relationship with you, and that's perhaps why you're hooked?

 

I'm not quite sure...he is intelligent and can make very good conversation, which is something I haven't encountered too many times... and when he wants to be nice, he can be quite nice and romantic. Unfortunately this doesn't happen steadily or too often.

But most than anything, I'm afraid it may be the fact that he is someone you can't have entirely, because he never gives himself to anyone completely. He stays usually just out of reach, it's hard to explain...

 

But no, other than that he has nothing much to offer...he is self employed and can go months without a job, he works part time at a nightclub (yes, that's probably a huge part of why his relationships are fleeting, as he has a never ending supply of women at his disposal), he doesn't have a car, well let's just say he is not a catch.

[mortensorchid]

I think he's using that as an excuse. People will make the time for you no matter what the situation if they want to see you or talk to you.